tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17964874279373752632024-03-12T21:55:54.262-07:00Traces of AydenLindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.comBlogger537125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-29144621955617844622013-12-04T13:47:00.002-08:002013-12-04T13:47:31.246-08:00Blog Time OutHello friends,<br />
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Long time, no see, right?<br />
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I am so sorry for the silence. I have sat down to update my blog so many times, but then I just draw a blank and feel overwhelmed, and then I just walk away and plan to update another day.<br />
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3 months later...here I am.<br />
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I recently visited The Holiday Show at our town's convention center. Every year I look forward to The Holiday Show! Christmas is by far my favorite of holidays. The bright colors, the lights, the joy and wonder in the eyes of those around you. It is truly a magical season, and I love it!<br />
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While I was at the holiday show, I was stopped by a sweet lady who said, " I have followed your blog for years! So nice to meet you!" This doesn't happen as often as it used to (seriously...it started freaking me out for a while), but as usual...I was caught off guard, completely humbled, and fumbled through my words to say, "Thank you so much...how sweet!" I then went into explaining why I haven't posted anything lately. It's definitely not that I haven't had anything to post about. Our lives seems to stay so incredibly busy. I have really just hit a roadblock with my blog. I don't have the vision I once had. I'm struggling with the purpose of my blog today versus the purpose of my blog 4 years ago. 4 years ago, the purpose was clear. My blog was my outlet - where I expressed my grief and became completely transparent to those out there who might stumble upon my grief journey and the life of our sweet Ayden. Now, 4 years later....I just don't know where to go with it. Possibly because the past few months have held a lot of uncertainty...and a lot of self-reflection and soul-searching.<br />
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I want my blog to continue to be centered on Ayden. However, our lives are not centered on Ayden. Now, before you get huffy and say, "I can't believe she said that! Has she just moved on and forgotten him?!" No..no...no. Absolutely not. He is a part of every single day. However, he is not the center of our lives. Jesus is the center of our lives. And the past 8 weeks have shown me a lot about myself that I was not aware of....or maybe was aware but was just ignoring. I have spent the past 8 weeks in a book study with a friend from work (Emily -my twin - she has been featured on the blog before ;) ) She and I embarked upon a journey together...blindly. And I'm so glad we went into it not knowing how we were going to be slapped in the face (numerous times) while reading this book together. Several of you are probably familiar with Emily Freeman's book, <b>Grace for the Good Girl</b>.<br />
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In my 30 years of life, I have always been "the good girl." I didn't rebel. I never went to wild parties. I'm just going to lay it all out there - I've never had alcohol, don't use profanity, and am the ultimate prude. I was a leader in my youth group. I was told, very often, by the elders in my church that I was an example to the younger kids...that they were watching me. (pressure much?) I grew up with a mother who told me frequently that she prayed a strong conscience over me from day one and stressed upon me disappointment that would result should I go against the expectations set before me in my Christian upbringing. In no way am I begrudging my mother. (Her prayers worked, by the way, because I couldn't even look at someone the wrong way without feeling guilty!) This was a smart tactic on her part.....it taught me the value in having high standards and the importance of respecting my parents and more importantly - my savior and the unwordly life I am to live as a Christian. But goodness gracious....that's a lot of pressure on a kid. And I felt it early on. It was semi-self-inflicted, but also a reflection of my upbringing. I don't fault my parents for this at all....I think anyone who grew up in a Christian family, and was involved in church, can relate to the pressure and stress that comes from trying to be "perfect" when it just seems so impossible! So, you just try your best...and keep pushing through looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. <br />
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Guess what....it's a long tunnel. With no end in sight. So, now what?<br />
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Reading this book completely opened my eyes. Week one slapped me around like you wouldn't believe. I was blind to the masks I had been wearing. I began to question if I even knew myself at all. Was the 30 years of my life a total and complete lie? Was I that good at deceiving myself? I put the book down after the 2nd or 3rd week and just felt completely lost. Blank. Uncertain. Luckily, Emily felt the same way (that sounds terrible..haha!). In retrospect, it was good for me to feel so lost. It meant I was peeling back the layers and seeing what was underneath the masks. I gotta tell ya...for a while I was pretty crushed because I had no clue how to move forward.<br />
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After losing Ayden, and then my dad passing away, I got very good at masks. I can put up a wall in .5 seconds. I can keep the tears at bay with the flip of a switch. I can hold back my anxiety, panic, and worry with a "put together" face like a pro. However, reading this book....broke all of those masks. I can't tell you the freedom I feel in knowing that those masks are not necessary. They are a hindrance. And they do nothing but put my focus on ME rather than on HIM. The fear...the pain...the anxiety....I shouldn't be trying to hold that in or pretend them away because whether I like it or not...it's there. There's no quick fix for them. But I have a savior who says, "Give them to me. Rest. I will take care of you."<br />
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My usual response to that - "But...."<br />
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I haven't trusted God for a very long time. And especially not in the last 4 years. How do you trust a God who allows your baby to die? How do you trust a God who removes the one solid rock you have in your life by taking your Dad way too soon? How do I not move forward with life waiting for the next tragedy...wondering who I'm going to lose next? Wondering which of my children might be taken from me? Wondering if my husband will be taken?<br />
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"What if" tugs and pulls at me every single day. And it has weighed me down for so long. Too long.<br />
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This world is not perfect. It was created by God and it is wonderously beautiful. But we live in a fallen world where bad things happen to good people...and bad people. It's understandable to question - oh yes, it sure is! How can you not? But the root of it...is to just trust Him. Trust the He will see you through. Could He have brought Ayden back? Absolutely. Could He have given me 20 more years with my dad? Yes! But it didn't happen that way....as much as I wish it would have. Somehow this was a part of the bigger picture for my life. I don't understand it. I'm not particularly happy with it. But I can resolve myself to find peace and to allow the Healer to bring me comfort in the knowledge of His goodness, His grace, and in HOPE. <br />
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When we finished the book, Emily and I both felt that we were ready for this new step. A fresh start. Not allowing our past to determine the way we approach the future. It's going to be one step at a time, but I find so much comfort in knowing that I'm not stepping out alone. He will be (and always has been) right by my side. And all along He has been saying, "Lindsay, you don't have to do it alone. You don't have to be the one in control. Let ME guide you. Let ME walk WITH you. LET ME IN." And I'm so ready for that.<br />
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If you haven't read this book. Stop what you're doing, go to Amazon, and order it. NOW. It is life-changing, and one that I intend to read over and over again. It's something ALL women - mothers, daughters, wives, sisters, etc. can benefit from. Please, do yourself a favor and change your life by looking deep into yourself through the pages of this book. It's scary at first....but I promise you, it's worth it.<br />
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I've learned my idea of being a "good girl" and God's idea of a "good girl" are two totally differently things. I've been defining my life while HE should be defining my life. And from this moment forward, He is in control.<br />
<br />Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-91002558541824492512013-09-04T12:52:00.000-07:002013-09-26T11:07:34.537-07:00And just like that....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
...a whole year passes by, and our little girl is one.</div>
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To my sweet, sweet Charlotte:</div>
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Today, you are one. A whole year old! And what a beautiful, surprising, happy year it has been. And it has been all of those things because of YOU! On January 6, 2012, I was home from work with what I thought was the stomach bug all my students had been passing around. I decided to take little test just to be sure (sorry TMI already...) and to my SHOCK, I learned that another baby was on the way! My first reaction, "Whaaaatt?! I'm not ready for another baby! Collen wasn't even two, yet. We had planned on having another but definitely not so soon. </div>
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Once the shock wore off, and time went by, I began to get so excited about our new little one (you!). One of my fears - that you would be <b>a girl. </b>Why would I be afraid of that, you ask? Because girls are scary. Trust me. I was one, and I look back on my teenage years and wonder how my parents survived it. But do you know what I LOVE about you being a girl? Your sweet, tiny voice; your innocence; your beauty; that you will someday be my very best friend. What scares me - disciplining you and knowing that one day you won't like me very much; one day, you will probably break my heart. But all of that will be worth it the day you realize everything I (hope to) teach you about this world, life, treating others, making good decisions, being a woman of honor and integrity was because I love you and want the best for you (you will probably learn these things the hard way because by then I'll be too old to "understand" and you'll make your own mistakes only to realize mom wasn't so out of touch after all). But, all of that is for another day...</div>
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So, today you're a whole year old! The year flew by! I still find myself staring at you, drinking you in, in disbelief that you're really here. So much of this year is a blur, but when I let it all slow down, I can remember so many beautiful moments:</div>
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You're birthday - September 4, 2012</div>
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You share this day with several family members! Somehow, it has become THE birthday for Glovers. Since I'm part Glover, you count as one of them, too. ;)</div>
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You are most definitely a mommy's girl. From day one, you and I were inseparable. I would joke with people that I wasn't sure who was more attached - me or you! </div>
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You love your big brother! You love to watch him play, and he can make you laugh the biggest laughs! You think he is super cool. When Collen first met you, he was enamored. Having a new baby in the house didn't seem to affect him too much. He has had his jealous moments, for sure, but he has been so good about sharing his time with you.</div>
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We love you so, so much!! It must be fun to be the baby of the family.</div>
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You look a lot like Collen. A LOT. But, you - like Collen - share features with your big brother, Ayden. I see him in your smile and when you turn your head a certain way. Your ears remind me of his. And that nose...you and Ayden have the same nose. My nose. Bless your heart.</div>
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We've never worried about you standing your ground and taking care of yourself. You do that quite well. Too well sometimes because recently you've begun biting. You bit your brother out of frustration the other day. We are working on that one....</div>
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Always remember that you are beautiful. You are a daughter of Christ. He loves you MORE than we do. Can you believe that?? Sometimes I can't, but I know it's true; and if He loves you more than Mommy does....wow...that's A LOT!</div>
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You have, by far, been our easiest baby. Honestly, you didn't have a choice. Since day one, you have been laid back and so flexible. You fit your routine around ours, and you're happy almost all of the time. I love that you love life, and you love spending time with your family.</div>
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You are a lot like your daddy. You are contemplative, and I can already see the connection between the two of you. Lean on your daddy, baby girl. He will be your first hero. He will be your first love. He will be your confidant and your sounding board. Dance with you daddy, and always tell him you love him. Respect him and know that he has your best interest at heart. He will always fight for you, encourage you, guide you, and love you.</div>
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It is my prayer that you and your brother grow to become the best of friends. When we're gone, he will be all you have left of us. The two of you will need to stand together and find strength in one another. He will always be there for you. I promise you that. Even when he might not want to admit it, he loves you and will always love you.</div>
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Look at this picture of you and I. I love it because it's candid. It's REAL. Those smiles are not fake. On the tough days - the days when mommy is being "unreasonable" I want you to look back at this. You make me THIS happy every second of every day. You have no idea, none whatsoever, how my heart delights in you and your brothers. You three are my greatest gifts and accomplishments, and I thank God every single day for the three of you.</div>
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Have I mentioned that you are beautiful?</div>
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Learn your history. Your family history. Your legacy. Where you come from. Your roots; your heritage - that's what makes you, YOU. You have been fortunate to know three of your great grandparents on your mommy's side and one on your daddy's side. These individuals are the core of our family. They hold the secrets to a long and happy life. What's the secret? I'll go ahead and let you in on it. LOVE. Loving each other. Cherishing the present and living in the moment....then never taking those moments for granted. Love your family and make an effort to know them. This will make your life richer than you could ever imagine.</div>
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I loved dancing with my Daddy. I loved dancing with my grandfathers. I loved watching you "dance" with your Great Grandaddy. You won't remember this moment, but I will never forget it.</div>
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Your quiet nature is deceiving. You tend to stay very quiet...so quiet that I don't let you out of my sight very often because your quiet nature lends itself to mischief. You are busy and like to get into anything you can. You have all these toys, but you're not big on playing with them. You'd rather steal your brother's crayons and stickers or climb on the furniture. You're quiet, but your spontaneous. A combination of both of your parents. We're in trouble!!</div>
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You love life. And life loves you! You fill up a room just by being in it. Your smile is electrifying, and the number one compliment you always receive is about those big, beautiful eyes.</div>
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We love you so much Charlotte. We have been so very blessed to have you in our lives and we pray that we are able to celebrate many, many more birthdays with you! Happy Birthday sweet baby!!Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-69156161851283907132013-08-26T19:39:00.002-07:002013-08-26T19:40:49.702-07:00Yesterday - 4 years agoI was going to write this post last night, but I didn't feel like doing much of anything....except loving on my kids. That's all my heart wanted and needed yesterday....and every day.<br />
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4 years ago, yesterday, was the day our lives were changed forever. Sometimes, it feels like yesterday. Then, I find myself wondering if it actually happened...it seems like it happened so long ago. Then, that ache in my heart starts to grow and build and I find myself crippled once again. That's when I'm brought back to reality. It's a reality I would have never, ever chosen for myself. Who would? But, it's mine, and it's a part of every single day. <br />
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4 years later, and there is still not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Just like Collen and Charlotte run through my mind all day long - Ayden does, too. As the years pass, I don't expect this to change. <br />
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I don't know where I thought I'd be 4 years later. The last 4 years have felt like a lot of unexpected. At 28, I had experienced more loss than many people don't see until much, much later in life. At 27, the grim reality of life hit me - the rest of my life will be filled with loss. That's a dim realization; but it's the truth. But it isn't a perspective I like to carry with me daily; that would be incredibly depressing. I can't say I don't dwell on that, though. It's hard. Very hard. At 28, I had buried a child and then had to bury my dad....two people I thought I had many, many more years with....gone. Two people I never expected to lose. Through those losses, though, over the last 4 years, I've been able to shift my perspective from what I've lost to what they have gained.....not to look at the loss, but the blessing. Do I mean it was a blessing that my child passed away? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But the blessing for him and for my dad....they are in glory. They are not living in this fallen world. They are whole. And best of all...they're waiting for me. For my family. There is no goodbye....the pain is only temporary....a separation for now that will be no more someday (soon, I hope!). <br />
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With that said, and with that perspective in mind, it doesn't mean I don't miss them any less. Somedays, it's unbearable, and just functioning to make it through the day is about the best I can do. As many who are on this journey with me have said, the anticipation of the anniversary of "the day" is usually worse than the day itself. This has always been true for me. Friday was a terrible day. All week I had noticed my mood changing. The heaviness was settling it, and no matter how I tried to fight it, it wasn't lifting. It's strange how that happens....subconsciously, your grief starts to take hold as the anniversary nears. All of the emotions from "that day" start flooding back. Memories come back....and I still remember every moment of that day. I can still see his face when I dropped him off. I can remember, nearly word-for-word, the words from the voice on the other end of the phone. It is all still so clear. So as the day approaches, it hits hard. <br />
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Yesterday wasn't that bad. It was busy. I actually went home to help sort through of my grandma's belongings, and the kids napped at my mom's so Jeremy could catch up on work for school. So, my mind was busy with a lot of things. But my heart was with Ayden all day. Today, not so good. The day after is typically worse for me. 4 years ago, yesterday, I saw him. I have happy memories from that morning even though the rest of the day was a nightmare. But the next day, August 26th, began the journey I never imagined I'd be on. August 26th was my first day without my child. That was the day I woke up to silence, an empty room, toys...diapers...bottles....all to go unused. That was the day I had to plan my infant son's funeral. I had never seen a casket that small. I had to pick out the clothes he would wear. I had to come to grips with the fact that I would never hold him again. That was the day my new reality hit me, and my heart hasn't beat the same since.<br />
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4 years later, I still have "why" moments. It still doesn't make sense to me. He was fine. He was healthy. He knew how to roll over and had good control of his head. How did he just....die? I've accepted that I will never have the answers to these questions, and I don't ask nearly as much as I used to, but I think it will always be there. <br />
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Despite all of this, I have seen healing. God is amazing...let me just throw that out there. God and I have had some hard talks. I've blamed...accused...questioned...doubted...all of the above and more. There were moments when I thought I'd have to walk away from my faith altogether because I wasn't sure I believed strongly enough anymore. But I held on. I let Him walk me through step by step....and He was patient with me. Being a Christian is easy when things are good. This was the ultimate test, and I'm so glad my faith won out. I can look at my life and still say God is good. He has brought renewal to our lives. I still have tough days when I say, "Ok, Lord....give me some grace today. Just bear with me." I've had to look at my faith and question "Do I really believe this? When I read these scriptures and sing this worship music, do I mean it? Do I believe it in my heart?" The answer is a resounding YES. <br />
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This will never be easy. 4 years later, and I am still brought to tears at the thought of "that day" and all that we are missing without him here. The weight of the grief is not as heavy, but I continue to miss him more every day. Every day, we become one day closer to seeing him again. That keeps me moving....along with his two beautiful siblings who fill my days with laughter, purpose, and joy. Thank you to all of you who sent messages, texts, comments....just saying you were thinking of us and praying for us...and most all, remembering Ayden. He touched our lives in a way we never expected, and he continues to touch the lives of others. We are so very proud of Ayden, and we love him more and more each day. <br />
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Here are some photos of Ayden that are not the "typical" ones I post. <3 nbsp="" p=""><br />
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We love you, Ayden. </div>
<!--3-->Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-17841669106356346862013-08-22T06:17:00.002-07:002013-08-22T06:19:31.122-07:00Happy 3rd Birthday sweet Collen!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>To my sweet son:</i><br />
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<i> On the day you were born, we were full of anticipation, worry, joy, fear and hope. Your entrance into this world and our lives brought so much joy, so much renewal. You will never know just how much you changed our lives when we heard that little cry and saw your beautiful face for the first time. In that moment, we were healed. You won't understand that for a long time, but Collen...you are more than a blessing. You are a promise. You are our rock. We look at you and see the promises of our Lord - we see that He is faithful, and He is good. </i><br />
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<i>This is among the most beautiful moments of my life. Meeting my 2nd son....it was love at first sight. You reminded us so much of your big brother, but you had qualities all your own as well. You had dark, dark hair and more playful disposition. You are uniquely you...but you do share qualities with your big brother. One day, you will understand just how special that is! </i><br />
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<i>You stole our hearts from the moment we saw you. You grew so, so fast! We spent so much time just staring at you in awe. You were really here; we were blessed with another baby boy! We made it a point to soak in every moment and appreciate each day we were given. We continue to do this because we love you so very much, and each day with you is better than the one before!</i> <br />
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<i>Look at you at one year old! Boy was that a celebration! Again, one day you'll understand just how momentous that day was in our lives. In our minds we were thinking "we get to keep him!!" In your mind, it was "cake??? They're finally letting me eat cake!!" :) At one, you were doing so much! You were saying your first words (hot, ma ma, da da, pa pa) and mastering walking. You were so full of life and laughter (and still are!). </i> <br />
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<i>A year passed so quickly, and before we knew it, you were two! At two, you were so very smart and seemed to be soaking up everything around you! You loved puzzles, coloring, Curious George (you had a George birthday party at 2!), and reading. You were so very silly and filled our days with laughter! Mommy was still the one you clung to, and I held on tight to you, too. You had a baby sister on the way, and your life was about to change...for the good. :) We spent as much time with you as we possibly could because your days as the only child would soon come to an end. You were so excited about being a big brother! </i><br />
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<i>Today, you are three. I look at you and can still remember the moment I first held you. How can you possibly be three?? Oh how you've changed and grown in this past year! You continue to be full of life and personality. You love people. You don't know a stranger, yet at times you are shy. But you open up quickly and consider someone you just met a friend for life. I love this about you because more than anything else, I want you to love people....to show them love and always be a helper to those around you. You continue to love puzzles...we have had to get you more challenging ones, though, because you quickly master the ones that are meant for your age group. I have a feeling math will be one of your stronger subjects. You love to paint, create, color. You love to play with your cars, but animals continue to be your favorite! You've just recently become interested in superheroes. You've never seen a Spiderman movie/cartoon, but you know who he is, and he's your favorite! You also love Thomas the Train, Daniel Tiger, and Caillou. George is still a favorite as well. You adore your little sister, and you even let her play with your toys sometimes. She thinks you are super cool...she follows you around the house and laughs at all of your silly faces. I already see your protectiveness over her, and I pray that will continue to grow as the two of you get older. She's going to need you, buddy.</i><br />
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<i>Collen, you are so very special to us. You will never know just how full my heart is with love and adoration for you. You are my joy and my heart. You are one of my three greatest accomplishments! Each day with you brings abundant happiness, joy, and learning on my part as a parent. You are so much like your mommy - spontaneous, exuberant, a dreamer, and full of imagination! Daddy is your hero, and the bond between you two is so strong! You are Daddy's best bud, and I love seeing the two of you together. We love you so very much and are so excited to celebrate another year with you! Happy Birthday sweet boy! You're three!! I look forward to many, many more birthdays with you and thank God for you every single day.</i><br />
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<i>Love,</i><br />
<i>Mommy </i>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-79635128034549777572013-08-21T13:31:00.001-07:002013-08-21T13:31:53.361-07:00Our summer in pictures.....(post on a certain 3 year old's birthday soon to come...)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-67184392745843914772013-07-25T20:42:00.002-07:002013-07-25T21:12:30.141-07:00One more reason I'm longing for HeavenToday, my grandmother went to be with Jesus....and so many others she has been longing to see. Right about now, she is snuggled up to a sweet baby boy...making up for lost time; laughing and loving on my grandpa and my dad. <br />
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She hasn't been doing very well the past year. Her health had been declining and she had been in and out of a nursing home and the hospital. There were several things going on - liver failure and fluid on her lungs along with diabetes. A couple of weeks ago, we were called in to see her because she had been taken to the hospital with difficulty breathing. We all, including her, thought we would be saying goodbye that day, but she improved and seemed to be doing very well. Then, this past Sunday/Monday she started going down very quickly - disoriented, blood pressure and heart rate lowered. Yesterday, we were called in because it looked like her time with us was drawing to an end. We had been at the beach and were on the way home when we got the call, so we just kept driving to get to her and love on her all we could. I'm so, so glad we were able to be there. She wasn't able to talk much and was having a hard time breathing, but she looked me in my eyes and recognized me. She squeezed my hand and reached for me; she knew I was there. I knew the look in her eyes...that "I love you" look. I knew I was seeing my grandmother (I call her "MaMa") in her last moments, and my heart was heavy, but I couldn't help but breathe sighs of relief for her....and feel a twinge of jealousy that she was going home. She would soon be in the presence of the Lord and once again be with so many who have gone before her. 2 weeks ago in the hospital, she named every single person she could think of that she was looking forward to seeing! She was ready, and her tired body is no longer tired. She is dwelling in glory, and although I will miss her terribly, I rejoice for her and the reunion she is experiencing right now! <br />
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For 30 years, she was one of my very best friends. She and I have always shared a close connection. And she has always had me wrapped around her little finger. She taught me to value family and always put your family first. She also believed in Christ and had a strong faith. I loved to listen to her pray...so quiet and meek but strong and true. She and my grandpa had such a loving and funny relationship. They leaned on each other and depended on each other. She had the best laugh....gosh I will miss that. MaMa kept kids for many, many years....up until she was 76 years old. She played large part in raising me and I credit her with a lot of the traits that make me who I am today. I am very much like her....stubborness is probably the #1 trait I get from her! haha I used to love to sit with her and just listen to her tell stories. She could tell a story and fill it with such detail....you felt like you actually lived that experience. We would talk on the phone often....usually just to say I love you and "I just wanted to hear your voice." I called her recently for potty training advice....figured if anyone would know it would be her! I could go on and on.... I'm so thankful she was able to know all of my children. She always told me that Ayden was the most beautiful baby she had ever seen. She was enamored by Collen and Charlotte, and I'm thankful that we visited her often and they knew her well. She taught Collen one of his favorite little sayings. We say it every night at bed time - "A bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck." Then Collen will say, "Great MaMa says that." He loved her so very much - the feeling was definitely mutual on her end as well. <br />
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I realize with each loss that the rest of my life will be filled with losing those around me. That is a very somber and sad realization, but it is the nature of the world in which we live. If I didn't have hope and the assurance of eternity in Heaven...the knowledge of seeing my loved ones again....the world and the loss I have experienced in 30 short years would have crushed me by now. Please keep our family in your prayers as we come together to remember my grandmother - Barbara Tyson - and honor her memory. Here are some pictures of MaMa - one of the sweetest ladies I will ever know. <3 p=""><br />
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I have always, always thought my grandma was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen! I love this photo of her - this is actually her wedding dress. :)</div>
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Love birds then....</div>
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...and 50 years later.</div>
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MaMa with Ayden (above and below)</div>
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MaMa and Collen</div>
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My dad, MaMa, me and Collen</div>
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MaMa and Charlotte - PURE JOY in this photo! The last girl in the family had been my sister...27 years prior to this moment! </div>
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Me, MaMa, my sister, Megan, during a visit in the nursing home</div>
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Her 80th birthday this past April</div>
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<div class="heading passage-class-0" style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 15px; margin-top: 10px;">
<h3 style="color: #5c1101; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-weight: normal;">One heart beat - that's how it felt sometimes when I was with her. She will always be a part of me.</span></h3>
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<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></i></h3>
<h3 style="font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I was able to spend some time alone with MaMa last night. I was there with my Great Aunt (her sister) until after visiting hours. Leaving her was so difficult because I hated to leave her by herself. I stayed a little longer after my aunt left....just me and MaMa. I held her hand, stroked her hair, put some chapstick on her lips and told her I loved her...that everything was going to be okay. My voice was the last one she heard. Last night, I didn't know that would be the case and I certainly didn't think it would happen that way because I very rarely got to be alone with her. But I am so very, very grateful that I got that time with her...just me and her. As I sat with her, I read the verse below to her. It has brought me a lot of hope and encouragement lately. I repeated the end to her... "you will restore my life again." She is restored. She is rejoicing. She is fulfilled. </span></span></h3>
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<h3 style="color: #5c1101; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Psalm 71:14-21</span></i></h3>
<div class="txt-sm" style="color: #5c1101; font-size: 12px; text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">New International Version (NIV)</span></i></div>
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<div class="passage version-NIV result-text-style-normal text-html " style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">
<div class="poetry top-05" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 1em; padding-left: 2.6em; position: relative;">
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<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text Ps-71-14" id="en-NIV-14991" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; left: -4.8em; position: absolute; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;">14 </sup></span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">As for me, I will always have hope;</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1"></span></span></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-14" style="position: relative;">I will praise you more and more.</span></span></span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1">
</span></span></i></div>
<div class="poetry top-05" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 1em; padding-left: 2.6em; position: relative;">
<div class="line">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text Ps-71-15" id="en-NIV-14992" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; left: -4.8em; position: absolute; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;">15 </sup></span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">My mouth will tell<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14992B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup> of your righteous deeds,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1"></span></span></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-15" style="position: relative;">of your saving acts all day long—</span></span></span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1">
</span><span class="indent-1"></span></span></i>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-15" style="position: relative;">though I know not how to relate them all.</span></span></span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1">
</span><span class="text Ps-71-16" id="en-NIV-14993" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; left: -4.8em; position: absolute; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;">16 </sup></span></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text Ps-71-16" id="en-NIV-14993" style="position: relative;">I will come and proclaim your mighty acts,<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14993D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)"></sup> Sovereign <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span>;</span></span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text Ps-71-16" id="en-NIV-14993" style="position: relative;">
</span><span class="indent-1"></span></span></i>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-16" style="position: relative;">I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.</span></span></span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1">
</span><span class="text Ps-71-17" id="en-NIV-14994" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; left: -4.8em; position: absolute; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;">17 </sup><div style="text-align: center;">
Since my youth, God, you have taught<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14994E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)"></sup> me,</div>
</span><span class="indent-1"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-17" style="position: relative;">and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.</span></div>
</span><span class="text Ps-71-18" id="en-NIV-14995" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; left: -4.8em; position: absolute; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;">18 </sup><div style="text-align: center;">
Even when I am old and gray,</div>
</span><span class="indent-1"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-18" style="position: relative;">do not forsake me, my God,</span></div>
</span><span class="text Ps-71-18" style="position: relative;"><div style="text-align: center;">
till I declare your power<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14995H" title="See cross-reference H">H</a>)"></sup> to the next generation,</div>
</span><span class="indent-1"><div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-18" style="position: relative;">your mighty acts to all who are to come.</span></div>
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<div class="poetry top-05" style="margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 1em; padding-left: 2.6em; position: relative;">
<div class="line">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text Ps-71-19" id="en-NIV-14996" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; left: -4.8em; position: absolute; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;">19 </sup></span></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,</span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1"></span></span></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-19" style="position: relative;">you who have done great things.</span></span></span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1">
</span><span class="indent-1"></span></span></i>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-19" style="position: relative;">Who is like you, God?</span></span></span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1">
</span><span class="text Ps-71-20" id="en-NIV-14997" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; left: -4.8em; position: absolute; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;">20 </sup></span></span></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text Ps-71-20" id="en-NIV-14997" style="position: relative;">Though you have made me see troubles,</span></span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="text Ps-71-20" id="en-NIV-14997" style="position: relative;">
</span><span class="indent-1"></span></span></i>
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<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-20" style="position: relative;">many and bitter,</span></span></span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span class="indent-1">
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<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-20" style="position: relative;">you will restore<sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14997N" title="See cross-reference N">N</a>)"></sup> my life again;</span></div>
</span><span class="text Ps-71-20" style="position: relative;"><div style="text-align: center;">
from the depths of the earth</div>
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<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-71-20" style="position: relative;">you will again bring me up.</span></div>
</span><span class="text Ps-71-21" id="en-NIV-14998" style="position: relative;"><sup class="versenum" style="display: block; font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; left: -4.8em; position: absolute; text-align: center; vertical-align: top;">21 </sup><div style="text-align: center;">
You will increase my honor</div>
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<span class="indent-1-breaks" style="font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"> </span></i></span><span class="text Ps-71-21" style="position: relative;"><i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">and comfort<span style="font-size: 0.65em;"><sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-14998Q" title="See cross-reference Q">Q</a>)"></sup></span> me on</span></i><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>ce more.</i></span></span></div>
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<!--3-->Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-91765337145735695512013-07-19T20:01:00.002-07:002013-07-19T20:01:18.416-07:00The time I asked for a plane ticket for my birthday........and it was the best gift, ever!<br />
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Four years ago (next month), our lives were turned upside down and changed forever. I, personally, felt lost...as most would upon losing the most precious thing in your life. There was no one in our hometown that we knew of that had experienced the loss of an infant to SIDS. I'm not one to reach out to others, but even if I had wanted/needed to...there was no one. I began searching online...grasping for any source of hope and familiarity that I could find. It helped to read the stories of others; to read about their journey and see how far God had brought them; to see that there was hope and light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. <br />
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One of the first blogs I stumbled upon was <a href="http://andyandcari.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">To Bring Him Glory</a>. This blog is written by Cari, wife to The Captain and mother to three beautiful children. Her daughter, Caden, is with Jesus....and I'm certain a great friend of Ayden's. :) Cari and I connected quickly. I left a comment on one of her posts and from there, a correspondence began, and we soon started chatting on the phone every now and then. It was so nice to find someone who understood. Someone I could connect to. Another mother missing her baby. As time passed, we continued to keep in touch. We shared the joys of our children - she has had 2 boys since having Caden. We've also shared struggles....her husband's battle with cancer and the loss of my dad. She continues to be a source of encouragement, light, and hope. On days when I am just low...and not willing to open my eyes and see the goodness all around me, reading her posts just lift me up and remind of how good our God is - even when we aren't willing to see it.<br />
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For 4 years, she and I have said, "Someday, when we meet....." For my birthday, I decided I wanted to make that "someday" happen, so I asked for a plane ticket to Indianapolis. We set a date and planned a trip. I took Charlotte with me (because she and I are pretty much attached at the hip), and on we went to Indiana. Charlotte did remarkably well on the flights! She slept on one, and on our flight to Indiana from Charlotte, we actually got a row all to ourselves! She got to sit like a big girl and LOVED it! <br />
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We got to Indianapolis on Friday, the 5th and spent the weekend with Cari and her family. It was surreal to actually be there, face-to-face with one of my dearest friends whom I had never officially met! It was one of those moments when you just pick up and go with it....don't skip a beat....it's like you just saw each other the week before. That's when you know a friendship is meant to be. It was a weekend of just hanging out....eating leftovers (which Cari continued to apologize for, but I loved it because I was there to just be there with her....I had not a care in the world about what we ate!)...watching movies...playing with the kids...shopping and a trip to the Cheesecake Factory. I got to visit Cari's church, which was very much like ours here at home. I saw several parts of Indianapolis, which is a HUGE city. Wow!! I'm used to our little population of around 125,000....and they're looking at a million in population! I also got to meet some of Cari's friends - I tried to mind my southern accent around them so I didn't sound like too much of a hick. haha Cari got to hear some of it come out, though. ;) <br />
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Having a friend like Cari is such a blessing, and I'm so incredibly thankful we could make this trip happen. It almost didn't because my grandma had just been hospitalized and things were not looking good. However, she continued to improve....and I had changed my flight abruptly because we were certain she would not make it through the weekend. But, as she has so many times before, she toughed it out and improved! So, I had to change my flight back, which took several phone calls....a lot of pleading...and Jeremy finally telling a U.S. Airways manager/supervisor our entire story to get them to change the flight back without charging me again. (I know...I'm a lucky lady) THEN...July 4th evening...our dog went missing. She got spooked by the fireworks and ran through the invisible fence. So, off I went to Indiana worried about our dog. I was determined, though, that I was going on this trip! We had waited far too long to meet and actually make this a reality! God was looking out for us and allowed us to have a wonderful visit! And....our dog is home safe and sound. :) <br />
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Here are some pictures from our visit. I hope we meet up again very soon! God places people in our lives for specific purposes, and I'm so very glad he brought me and Cari together. <3 p=""><br />
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Here are some photos from the trip. I didn't take nearly enough. We were having too much fun!<br />
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Charlotte charmed everyone on the plane. There and back, she did amazing! So proud of my little jet-setter!</div>
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Enjoying some yummy food! Charlotte ate bananas for the first time and LOVED them.</div>
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The boys were in love with Ms. Charlotte. Having a big brother, she ran with it and made herself right at home.</div>
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A beautiful person inside and out. So blessed to call her my friend! Love you, Cari!</div>
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<br /></3>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-89842738844695278932013-07-02T07:12:00.000-07:002013-07-02T07:14:00.241-07:00Absent from the blog....but definitely not from life! What have we been up to? Well....some lazy days, some vacationing, working, football, and a little bit of everything in between. I've been fortunate in my new job to still get the summer home with my kids. My schedule is a little different since I do have to work some days here and there instead of being off for a big chunk of time. However, as of today, I have a whole month before I return to work full time. Again...very fortunate to have this time! I know so many moms would love to get the time I get, so I don't take it for granted one bit!<br />
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I could tell you everything we've been up to, but I'd rather show you. Here you go:<br />
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Our first vacation was with Jeremy's family. We spent a week in Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, TN. It was a nice break from reality, but anyone with kids knows that traveling with kids isn't really a vacation. At least I wasn't responsible for cleaning the house we stayed in. That part was nice...to just relax a bit and enjoy being together. I didn't take many pictures, but these were from our pool day. The kids have swim lessons starting next week, so this was a good practice. Collen is getting more courageous. Charlotte was ready to dive in head first...kept putting her face in the water. I'm learning I have to watch her....she's quite spontaneous and brave for her small size! <br />
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We signed the kids up for Kindermusik this summer! This was Collen's 2nd time, and he was much more comfortable and in his element. He loved it. He was the oldest one on the class, and I so loved watching him interact with his peers. When he's at home, he's full-force...100 miles a minute, but around his peers, he is very reserved....to the point of insecurity at times. I already see that we're going to have to be careful about being sure we build him up and positively reinforce him. I see SO MUCH of me in him. I know what makes him tick...and seeing him in this class just brought my suspicions to light. He is tender-hearted and sensitive....words will hurt him more than anything else, just like I am....my sweet, sweet boy. I love this about him, but it will be a task to be sure we aren't hard on him just because he's a boy and should have "tough skin." Going to fight that stigma now so it doesn't follow us and him! We have always encouraged him to be whoever he wants to be.....like what he likes...even if it means he isn't rough and tumble like other boys. He is Collen, and we love him and his sweet, sensitive, tender-hearted self. </div>
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Charlotte enjoyed music class as well! She hasn't had much time with babies her age, so it was nice to see her with other kids. She was stuck to me for the first couple of classes, but you can see in this picture that she got in there with the group and joined in like a champ. She's so quiet and reserved....yet she has no problem making herself heard. I think she had the loudest squeals in the whole class! I'm still learning her ways...what makes her tick....what she likes and doesn't like. She is a lot like Collen in her silly personality, but she is also very different. She is a thinker and an observer, much like her daddy. </div>
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We are getting so close to Collen being completely potty trained! I would daresay he is ready to say goodbye to the pull-ups and go to big boy undies, but he is still resistant to #2 in the potty, and I'm afraid of it leading to an accident....which would then lead him to regress. He's getting better about going by himself...he's even done #2 all by himself (without prompting). So, we're getting close! We continue to use positive reinforcement....even when it can be so frustrating after he's held it for 3 days in a row but continues to complain that he doesn't want to go. We've brought in a prize bag for #2. That has helped a lot! Dollar Store toys have become a staple in building up his confidence!<br />
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My sister moved recently. :( For the past 6 years, she's lived in the same town as me. She is my absolute best, best friend, and it has been tough to not see her every Sunday....or do dinners during the week. However, she's still working part-time at the hospital here, so when she works, she comes and spends the night with us! And she gets to enjoy snuggles like this.... These snuggles are coveted because Charlotte doesn't do this with many people. Aunt MiMi is a favorite in our household....our kids love, love, love her (and I do too!). They are so blessed to have her as an aunt and a friend.<br />
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Uncle J came and surprised us (well...he came to see Megan, really...) with a visit! Collen was SO excited! Next to Daddy, Uncle J is his 2nd favorite buddy!!<br />
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The dogs are enjoying being lazy this summer. We've had to board them a couple of times while being out of town. They did fantastic!! Got great reports and we were told about how friendly and sweet they were. No pics of Gracie...sorry...but the boarder gave us a picture from her pool party time. She looked like she had a ball! I bet she'd prefer us to go out of town more often! Scout is still getting acquainted with the family and how things go. She's still very much a puppy, so she is high-energy, but she's quickly learning when it's time to slow down and when it's okay to play. :) She is a sweet, sweet dog. She and I snuggled up and watched a movie this week. She's a party pooper....never makes it through the whole movie. <br />
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Collen has been very into dressing up and puppets lately. He loves cowboys, so it's not unusual to see him in this get-up as he runs around the house. He was being a pouty cowboy in this one.<br />
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Speaking of Charlotte's dare-devil nature...documentation of her first boo-boo. She started crawling and pulling up, so she's getting into more things and sticky situations. Her eyebrow met the table a few days ago. She cried for a minute then went back to playing. Not much phases her... <br />
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She enjoys feeding herself, too. We're working on solids....she's not a fan of the texture and tends to gag most of the time. She does well with puffs, noodles, and very soft carrots. :) She prefers baby food, still, over anything else.<br />
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Pulling up and cruising (this happened this week) <br />
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Loving the doggy...<br />
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She turned nine months on June 4th (a little behind...as usual). Her 9 month stats were:<br />
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Weight: 18 lbs 5oz (50%)<br />
Height: 29 1/4 in (90%)<br />
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Still tall and skinny. She does NOT get this from me. Lucky girl!<br />
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I am settling into my new job well. It was the right choice for me to make this move. That's becoming more apparent every day. I enjoy the atmosphere and the low stress (compared to teaching). I miss the classroom...a lot. I miss my co-workers at AGHS even more. But I'm starting to fall in here...feeling more comfortable and confident with my position. A lot of that has been because I've found a kindred spirit. I had to put this on here because it was just too funny. When I was hired, I kept hearing, "She looks a little like Emily doesn't she?" This is Emily. And we dressed alike this day (not on purpose). We've decided we were separated at birth. In some other universe, we are twins. She and I were cut from the same mold apparently, and we have become fast friends. Work is always so much more fun when you have people you connect with. :)<br />
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I still have a month left of my summer vacation. We have a beach trip coming up at the end of July. Expect the obligatory "first beach trip for Charlotte" pics to come soon. Football is in full swing and about to get even busier. The life of a football wife is always busy....I've gotten better at juggling it all, but I have loved having Jeremy home more this summer as he enjoys some of his break!<br />
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I feel like we're always on the go. I've had several blog posts I've wanted to write about some heavier things.....getting back to the core of my blog....but it takes a lot of energy and time to get those posts written. I'll get there. I'm making notes...writing down ideas. One day I'll transfer them. <br />
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Hope you are all well and enjoying your summer. <br />
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<br />Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-28632285967263813082013-05-30T08:34:00.003-07:002013-05-30T08:34:51.697-07:00Resources PageI have updated the Resources page on my blog. Look up above and click on "Resources" to find some helpful information for families experiencing the loss of a child to SIDS. I've also included some of the books that were immensely helpful to me in the early stages of our loss and grief. If you know someone who could use this information, please direct them to it. Losing a child to SIDS is a very isolating loss. It can make you feel so alone because it is rare and so much is unknown about SIDS. I remember grasping for any information...any answer I could get. I didn't get many answers, but I found a lot of hope. I hope this helps you.Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-69957331068514728752013-05-30T07:02:00.000-07:002013-05-30T07:16:06.150-07:00Mid-Week RandomsI tend to post a lot of the randomness that is going on in our neck of the woods, so why not do it on Wednesday when most of the other bloggers are sharing their random info?<br />
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Tomorrow is my last day of work for a little while. I am a 9 month employee with a 10 month option, and we did get a 10th month this year (thank the LORD!). That means I have to work 20 days during the summer months. I have already worked 9 of those days as of tomorrow, so I have 11 left. I will work a few days here and there over the summer and then go back to work full time on August 4th. So, it's almost like getting my summer off like when I was teaching, and it's wonderful for our babysitter as well because it keeps it consistent for her and the schedule we were all on when I was teaching. Works for everyone, which is wonderful! <br />
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We have a big weekend ahead of us because we are taking Collen to see..... <br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"> THOMAS!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;">He doesn't know he is going to see Thomas this weekend. I'm trying my best to keep it a secret, but I almost let it slip this morning! I'm so excited for him! He asked me this morning about riding a train, and I told him that maybe he would get to ride one very soon. :) Going to be a blast! We went to Tweetsie last summer while Miss Charlotte was still in my belly....so this will be her first trip on the outside. She's such an easy baby; I have no worries about how she will do.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;">I've been listening to Dr. David Jeremiah's sermons on the Antichrist. If you are interested, you can go <a href="http://www.davidjeremiah.org/site/radio.aspx?">here</a> to listen. It has been enlightening and informative....and it just has me ready to meet Jesus in the air...soon! This world is a scary, dark, ugly place. The news gets worse every single day. Some of the things the news reports now is just mind-boggling and terrifying. I try my best not to live with a spirit of fear and to trust that God is in control, but it is clear that Satan has a stronghold on this world. I'm ready to go. I came across this poem in one of Dr. Jeremiah's books, and I loved it...posted it on Instagram. It is so hopeful...and I'm all about hope!</span></span></div>
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Charlotte is very close to crawling these days. She has the "swivel" down to a science. We can put her down and in minutes, she's across the room, just by swiveling her little bottom, using her hands and legs, but never getting on her knees. She likes to put her hands down, lift that little bottom in the air and stand on her tip toes....almost like she's about to do a somersault! Sometimes, I think she's going to just stand up, but she's not quite there yet.<br />
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I love mornings with this sweet face. What did I do to deserve this little beauty? She steals my heart with every glance, and I look at her and think, "Please baby girl....don't break this momma's heart. But if you do...this momma won't ever stop loving you."<br />
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Collen...Collen...Collen. He is almost 3. How did that happen? He is so smart and just the sweetest, most affectionate little boy. He is in a phase where he loves to give hugs and kisses. I gladly take every single one he wants to give out. He went to a Mudcats (local minor league team) baseball game with Jeremy and Jeremy's parents last weekend. He had a ball, and of course Nana spoiled him. He came home with a hat, shirt, bat and ball....thank God for Nanas and Grandmas!! <br />
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Since starting my new job...and having a toddler and an infant....I haven't been able to decorate my house at all. When I started my new job, I took a pay cut since I started mid-year. It has been rough....but we're making it. This purchase seemed unnecessary, and it probably was, but they were marked down, and I knew they would be gone if I went back. So, I splurged a little bit and got this cute shelf and bunny to sit atop it. My home decoration style is shabby-chic with a flare of color and patterns (polka dots and checks). It's not at all the way I want it - I have go piece by little piece, but one day it'll all be the way I want it. :) Right now, I'm focusing on the people and the happy memories that happen inside out little home. The decorating can wait.<br />
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My sister recently moved. :( Her husband took a job with his family's business. I might as well advertise for him - if you're ever in Eastern NC and would like to sample some wine, eat some good food, or just tour the vineyards go on over to <a href="http://www.duplinwinery.com/" target="_blank">Duplin Winery </a>! DJ and Megan travel around to area festivals promoting Duplin wine; they even got married in the vineyards! Collen has been missing his MiMi and Uncle J, so we got together via FaceTime and Collen had a blast. He told them all about his day/weekend. Luckily, they are only a little over an hour away. We will just have to plan visits now instead of just dropping in. ;)<br />
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Collen loves his baby sister. He was so proud of her yesterday when she closed all the little doors on this toy. He had to show her how to open all of them so she could close them again. It was so sweet to hear him say, "Good job, Charlotte!! You closed all the doors! Now let me show you how to open them!" Just melts my heart... <br />
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And I'll leave you with an adorable picture of Scout. We are boarding her in a local kennel/doggy day care facility this weekend. She is going to have a blast! I'm praying nothing bad happens, but I've heard nothing but wonderful things about this place. She's going to romp and play and enjoy her time socializing. We are still getting used to Scout. We had Tucker for 6 years, and we had learned all his cues. We're still figuring her out, but she is doing a great job. She is very receptive to commands and listens pretty well (most of the time). She is a chaser, so we always put her on a leash. If she catches sight of a bird...she's takes off after it. She is so sweet and friendly and loving. I'm looking forward to many years with Miss Jean Louise (her full name...haha)</div>
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I'm looking forward to the summer at home with my sweet little ones. I'm so fortunate to be able to get this time with them. We have one big trip planned for now - going to Pigeon Forge, TN in a couple of weeks with Jeremy's parents and family. Aside from that, we have some Kindermusik classes to go to and both kids will be in swim lessons in July. <br />
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I hope you all have a great summer ahead of you! Make the most of every moment and make some lasting memories! :)</div>
<br />Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-69380273892330725812013-05-01T10:22:00.002-07:002013-05-01T11:23:01.828-07:008 months ago (on Saturday) {the unofficial post}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This little breath of fresh air came into our lives.</div>
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We had no idea how much we needed her in our lives. That doesn't sound quite right because it almost makes it sound like we were feeling a void of sorts. No...Collen was quite a fulfillment in our daily lives. We had no intentions of adding to our family anytime soon. But God had different plans. And boy was His timing perfect!</div>
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Charlotte Brooke,</div>
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How are you already 8 months old? My how time flies, indeed. You are such a gift to our family. A gift I never expected - a surprise I am so glad God blessed us with! I wasn't so sure about having a little girl. After two boys, I was afraid I would get it all wrong. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to give you what you needed....as I expected you to require some different kind of care or nurturing. Yeah, I didn't know what I was talking about. All worked up over nothing. Why? Because nurturing you...loving you...understanding you....has been like breathing for me. You are a much different baby than Collen was. You are an individual just as he is. Learning your personality has been so much fun. The interactions between parent and child....with two different children...has been fascinating to me. It keeps me in check and shows me that although you are different than your brothers....I don't have to love you differently. You respond just the same. :) To other moms, that might be a "duh" statement. Of course siblings are different....of course you love them both equally. Yes, this is true. I get it. But actually SEEING it....it's amazing.</div>
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We have not quite figured out which of us you are more like. Some days, you are stoic, quiet, and serious....much like your dad was as a baby. Other days, you are silly, funny, talkative and a bit moody....like your momma. Right now, you seem to prefer me over anyone else. Normal for an 8 month old, for sure. I don't argue about it at all because I think I cling to you just as much as you cling to me. The connection you and I share is beyond anything I ever imagined. I can't put it into words. You complete me in a way I never knew I even needed to be completed. </div>
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You are doing all sorts of fun things these days! You are sitting up like a champ. You love to sit on the floor and scoot yourself around on your bottom. You uses your legs and arms while sitting and maneuver yourself around in a sort of circle. You get to whatever you want to get to....no matter how you have to do it. Sometimes it's rolling, but most of the time, it's the slow, subtle scoot.</div>
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You LOVE to eat. You're an even better eater than Collen was at your age. I could never get him to eat meat (baby food meat), but you seem to love it! You do NOT like peas. That's the only thing you're picky about. Anything else goes. :) You're also doing well with bottles. You've been on formula since about 5 months old, and you're doing just fine with it. </div>
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You've recently learned to clap. When we say "Yaaayy!!" you clap those little hands together as an automatic response! You are saying "dada" and "baba." Sometimes, we think you're saying "baba" (brother) when you see Collen. But, now...we are trying to teach you "bye bye" and you will repeat the "baba" for that as well. ;) Yesterday, you opened and closed your little hand to mimic "bye bye." So awesome to watch you learn and mimic us! You also like to give kisses. Sometimes you catch me by surprise and will plant a big, wet kiss right on my mouth!</div>
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You laugh at the strangest things! None of our babies have been easy laughers. It usually takes a lot...and often it's something off-the-wall. But when you laugh, it is definitely one of the cutest things I've ever seen/heard. You have a raspy, throaty laugh. Not at all what you would expect from a sweet, baby girl. You have such a delicate, light voice....it's surprising to hear that deep, raspy laugh!</div>
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You love your brother and our doggies. Whenever Collen is around, you
want to see and know everything he is up to. He is such a good big
brother. He plays with you and even shares his toys with you (most of
the time)! He gives you a hug and a kiss every night before you go to
bed and tells you, "I wuv you Charwotte" And he means it. He loves you
so much. He is going to be a good protector for you someday, and I
pray that he will be an example for you....one of how a man should treat
a lady...and one that all other boys will have to measure up to. You
deserve that. And those doggies. You light up and get so breathlessly
excited whenever you see them! Scout...not as much. Gracie is the one
you adore! You don't get to be around Gracie much since she is outside
and is so big, but it's evident that she has won you over. I pray that
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You have a such a great personality. You're quiet, yet playful. You're serious, yet silly. You have such a gentle, sweet spirit about you that brightens every room you enter. People comment most frequently about your big, beautiful eyes (which right now seem to be mostly blue still, but there are hints of brown peeking through). You are a bright light in our lives, and we love you more than you will ever know!</div>
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God certainly knew what He was doing when He sent you to us. I'm just so, so glad He did because I can't imagine having a more perfect baby girl. :)</div>
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<br />Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-44365975659415970992013-04-30T12:19:00.001-07:002013-04-30T18:29:57.696-07:00These two...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>...keep me young, hap<span style="font-size: large;">py, smiling<span style="font-size: large;"> an<span style="font-size: large;">d grateful.</span></span></span></i></span></div>
Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-27600177983851526962013-04-29T10:42:00.001-07:002013-04-30T18:30:06.016-07:00Happy 4th Birthday, Ayden Brooks<span class="userContent">Ayden's 4th birthday was on Saturday. The weekend was a whirwind of events as my 30th birthday was on Friday, so we were between celebrating (which we mostly reserved for Sunday because I never really want to celebrate my birthday on my birthday. A lot of emotions....I'm just left feeling drained and just wanting to spend the evening in a quiet place not doing a whole lot.) So, I'm just now getting around to the birthday post.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent">Friday night, Jeremy's cousin honored Ayden at his girls' soccer game. He is a coach at a private school, and each year he honors Ayden on/around his birthday by gathering his players together and sending off balloons. This year, he made it a bigger event by having t-shirts made for SIDS awareness. Ayden's initials were painted on the field (you will notice the "J" is backwards in honor of all of those who have lost a child to SIDS). Then, they ended with the big balloon release. It was such an honor to be there, and I wouldn't have spent my birthday any other way.</span><br />
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They sure do make the tough days a lot easier to face</div>
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She loves her brother to pieces</div>
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Jeremy spoke to the team afterwards about hope and continuing to live with hope even when you face an uncertain future</div>
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You can see the t-shirts here</div>
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<span class="userContent"> I love seeing these balloons every year.</span></div>
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<span class="userContent">On Saturday morning, I woke early and posted the following to facebook as I remembered the morning of April 27, 2009. Still in labor...but so excited to meet my first baby.</span></div>
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<i><span class="userContent">Happy 4th birthday, Ayden Brooks. I see you
daily... In a passing Collen glance or a little Charlotte smirk. There
are traces of you in every breath I take. You are never more than a
heartbeat away and soon enough, I will have you back in my arms. I love
you, sweet boy. You continue to touch lives; we are so very proud to
call you our son.</span></i><br />
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Ayden made me the mother I am today. I don't take one single second for granted. I didn't take any for granted when he was with us either. I now know why I had such an urgency about me over Ayden. Every single day he woke up, I thanked God that he was breathing...alive. Each night, I prayed over him and told God that if He should need to take Ayden to let me accept that as His will and purpose. I have to admit, I can't bring myself to pray so unselfishly now.....but I still know that my children are not my own. But they are my precious treasures. I have an abundance of treasure in Heaven and in this world. But this world is fleeting, and I'm doing everything within my power to be sure ALL of our treasure is stored up in heaven whenever the time comes for all of us to get there.<br />
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On the morning of Ayden's birthday, we took Collen and Charlotte to a local event called "Touch-a-Truck." It was nice to get out as a family and enjoy being outside looking at all the big trucks! Collen loved the front loader - even got to make the bucket go up and down. He also loved the classic car. He ran around in the back of a food pantry truck and honked the big horn in the DOT truck. Poor thing wanted to get in the bouncy castle, but all the big kids were in there and I knew where that would lead. He would have gotten out quickly because there were just too many kids in there. All in all, it was fun...fun to just be together.<br />
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Later in the afternoon, we all got together as a family...cooked some burgers and hot dogs...spent time together and let the cousins play together. Then, as the sun started going down, we ventured out to Ayden's spot. This was our 4th year gathering together. The mood is always somber....yet uplifting as we are all <b>together</b> remembering our sweet Ayden. We decided to things differently this year and release lanterns instead of balloons. The lanterns were absolutely beautiful! Watching them lift into the sky....I got choked up...just watching them float up and away. There was a peace in that place...in that moment. Then, they floated out of sight. All week, I've just been in disbelief that it has been 4 years since I heard those first cries and held my first son for the very first time. 4 years since I experienced the most amazing event in my entire lifetime - becoming a mother for the first time. I remember the fear, anxiety, questions, stress, and overall feeling that I wasn't doing anything right....yet, our baby grew, and he smiled, and he loved, and he developed into the sweet, happy, silly little baby we will never, ever forget. 4 years doesn't seem like that long ago, but at the same time it seems like it has been so much longer. I feel so much older than 30. I guess that's what grief and loss will do to a person. But I keep reminding myself that as each day passes, we're one day closer to being together again.<br />
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Several friends remembered Ayden with us by sending up balloons with their families or singing Happy Birthday to Ayden and sending those videos and pictures to us. They will never know how much we appreciate that. To know that Ayden continues to be remembered. <3 all="" much="" so="" thank="" you=""><!--3--><!--3--></3><br />
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I still find myself in disbelief that this is our reality. But God has been good; He has seen us through and has allowed us to find hope in the darkest of times. I'm so thankful for the hope we have in Him and the patience He has with us as we walk through these tough times....when we question and doubt...and point a finger at him while we ask "why" over and over again. But when the light starts to come back in, He's still there welcoming us back and assuring us He never went away. He is beside us through it all and will see us through to the end.<br />
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</span>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-31039199717613041752013-04-22T07:22:00.001-07:002013-04-30T18:30:14.399-07:00I will know Ayden. And he will know me.<br />
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Saturday, April 27th, we should be celebrating a 4th birthday with a sweet, happy, special little boy. We will still gather to celebrate his birth - because boy is that a happy day in our history - but that little 4 year-old will be absent (in body). </div>
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This is the 4th birthday we have spent without him. I thought it might get easier, but this year has been even harder. I find myself near tears at any given point in the day because my thoughts are flooded with memories of my first born. The week leading up to his birth, the anticipation of meeting our first child - our first baby, the excitement and fear all wrapped up together, and finally the elation and joy of finally meeting him...seeing his face...seeing this little person who made me a mom. The first baby I snuggled, held close, and just breathed in while time stood still. </div>
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Nancy and David Guthrie hosted a Respite Retreat reunion this past weekend. I was so, so sad that we couldn't go. With work, 2 kids, and a tight budget, we just couldn't pull everything together to go. I saw updates throughout the weekend, though, of the reunion. The Respite Retreat was so healing for us and brought us into a healthy perspective in our grief.</div>
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This morning, Nancy posted a link to this letter written by John Piper to a woman who had recently given birth to a stillborn baby. His words resonated with me so deeply. And the words I bolded made my heart sink and leap at the same time. <i><b>I will know Ayden. God will see to that. And Ayden will know me. And Ayden will thank me for giving him life. Ayden will thank me for enduring the loss that he might have the reward sooner.</b></i> I can't bring words to how deeply that affected me upon reading it and comprehending the goodness, but also the ache (in this life), in those words. </div>
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I have pasted the letter below, but here is a direct link as well: <a href="http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/letter-to-a-parent-grieving-the-loss-of-a-child?fb_action_ids=4980890232753&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map={%224980890232753%22%3A167107113453296}&action_type_map={%224980890232753%22%3A%22og.likes%22}&action_ref_map=[]">click here</a> </div>
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Please think of us and pray for us this week as we remember Ayden's birth and the absolute joy we experienced the months, days leading up to it and especially the day of his birthday.</div>
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<blockquote>
<i>Earlier this year, a grieving mother, who recently
had given birth to a stillborn son, wrote to me asking for counsel and
comfort. The team at Desiring God thought this letter might be helpful
to some others, whether other mothers who have lost infants, parents who
have lost young children, or perhaps even more broadly.</i></blockquote>
Dear _____,<br />
This loss and sorrow is all so fresh. I hesitate to tread into the
tender place and speak. But since you ask, I pray that God would help me
say something helpful.<br />
<br />
First, please know that I know I don’t know what it is like to give
birth to a lifeless body. Only a small, sad band of mothers know that. I
say “lifeless body” because, as you made clear, your son is not
lifeless. He simply skipped earth. For now. But in the new heavens and
the new earth, he will know the best of earth and all the joys earth can
give without any of its sorrows.<br />
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I do not know what age — what level of maturity and development — he
will have in that day. I don’t know what level of maturity and
development I will have. Will the 25-year-old or the 35- or the 45- or
the 55-year-old John Piper be the risen one? God knows what is optimal
for the spiritual, glorified body. And so it will be for your son. <b>But
you will know him. God will see to that. And he you. And he will thank
you for giving him life. He will thank you for enduring the loss that he
might have the reward sooner.</b><br />
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<b>God’s crucial word on grieving well is <a class="lbsBibleRef" data-reference="1 Thessalonians 4.13" data-version="esv" href="http://biblia.com/bible/esv/1%20Thessalonians%204.13" target="_blank">1 Thessalonians 4:13</a>:
“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are
asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” Yours is
a grieving <i>with</i> hope. Theirs is a grieving without hope. That
is the key difference. There is no talk of not grieving. That would be
like suggesting to a woman who just lost her arm that she not cry,
because it would be put back on in the resurrection. It hurts! That's
why we cry. It hurts.</b><br />
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And amputation is a good analogy. Because unlike a bullet wound, when
the amputation heals, the arm is still gone. So the hurt of grief is
different from the hurt of other wounds. There is the pain of the
severing, and then the relentless pain of the gone-ness. The countless
might-have-beens. Those too hurt. Each new remembered one is a new blow
on the tender place where the arm was. So grieving is like and unlike
other pain.<br />
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There is a paradox in the way God is honored through hope-filled
grief. One might think that the only way he could be honored would be to
cry less or get over the ache more quickly. That might show that your
confidence is in the good that God is and the good that he does. Yes. It
might. And some people are wired emotionally to experience God that
way. I would not join those who say, “O they are just in denial.”<br />
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<b>But there is another way God is honored in our grieving. When we
taste the loss so deeply because we loved so deeply and treasured God’s
gift — and God in his gift — so passionately that the loss cuts the
deeper and the longer, and yet in and through the depths and the lengths
of sorrow we never let go of God, and feel him never letting go of us —
in that longer sorrow he is also greatly honored, because the length of
it reveals the magnitude of our sense of loss for which we do not
forsake God. At every moment of the lengthening grief, we turn to him
not away from him. And therefore the length of it is a way of showing
him to be ever-present, enduringly sufficient.</b><br />
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So trust him deeply and let your heart be your guide whether you
honor him one way or the other. Everyone is different. Beware of blaming
your husband, or he you, for moving into or out of grief at different
paces. It is so personal. And what you may find is that the one who
seemed to recover more quickly will weep the more deeply in ten years.
You just don’t know now, and it is good not to judge.<br />
May God make your grieving a bittersweet experience of communion with
Jesus. Matthew tells us that when Jesus heard that John the Baptist had
been beheaded, “he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by
himself” (<a class="lbsBibleRef" data-reference="Matthew 14.13" data-version="esv" href="http://biblia.com/bible/esv/Matthew%2014.13" target="_blank">Matthew 14:13</a>). So he knows what it is to go with you there.<br />
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We do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize. He was tested in every way as we are — including loss.<br />
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Grace to you and peace.<br />
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Affectionately,<br />
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Pastor JohnLindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-84550066872135332452013-04-15T13:58:00.000-07:002013-04-30T18:30:20.789-07:00Potty TrainingLast week - Wednesdayish? I dropped Collen and Charlotte off at the babysitter's house just like I do every morning. The babysitter had gotten a potty for Collen to use because he has been showing some interest at home and would use it sporadically. However, he would never go on his own or follow cues. He had gotten to the point, though, where he was conscious of when he needed to go and would tell us, but would go in his diaper before getting to the potty. The babysitter introduced the new potty to him, but he didn't seem too interested. I think because it was a different potty. So, he showed it to me and I made a huge deal about it - such a cool potty! The morning I dropped him off I left him with, "You can use the froggy potty whenever you want to, buddy! Use the potty and you get to put stickers on your chart!" Apparently, all he needed was my permission. The boy went to the potty and stayed dry all day. This followed us home where he stayed dry all night! We were amazed and so very, very proud. We had made it a point not to push him. Collen does not do well with pushing. It has to be his idea and in his time. Since that day, he has continued to use the potty...sometimes even all by himself. On Saturday, we had a little set back. Not sure why....he just didn't want to go. But on Sunday, he was back to using the potty like a champ - even used a foreign potty - the kiddy one in his Sunday School classroom.<br />
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Collen loves Daniel Tiger, and we have made a point of singing the potty song from DT around the house - even before he started showing an interest. It has become engrained in his memory. Such a cute song with great reminder of the pottying process!<br />
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So proud of Collen!!<br />
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<br />Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-6039659904073034212013-04-05T13:43:00.000-07:002013-04-30T18:30:27.464-07:00New LookAs you can see, I'm giving my blog a bit of a makeover. Sit tight. I'm still working on it, so if everything doesn't work perfectly right now....hold your horses....I'm getting there. ;)Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-63363643896805927792013-04-03T07:44:00.003-07:002013-04-03T07:46:14.508-07:00Collen's Day and Easter <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A couple of weekends ago, Jeremy and I organized a "Collen's Day." We had noticed that Collen had been acting out a lot lately. Much of it seemed to be his need for attention, and he was going to get it any way possible. So, we decided it was time to devote a day/afternoon to Collen. We took him to a local park where there are walking trails and little ponds and lots of nature to explore. He had a blast, and it was fun to spend time together....just the three of us. I sure missed my girl while we were gone, but I know it is important to spend that one-on-one time with your kids and show them just how special they are. :)<br />
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These are a little out of order, but you'll get the idea.<br />
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This was after our outing - had to go to Collen's favorite place. "Chic-fa-wee" (It's going to be a sad day when he pronounces it correctly. I love the "kid talk" I'll miss "yittle" and "weawwy (really)" </div>
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Us :)</div>
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Feeding the geese</div>
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He had to sit on all the animals. There was a dolphin, a whale, an alligator, and a dinosaur as well.</div>
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We had fun exploring. We saw a lizard - I tried to catch it, but the thing was just too fast!</div>
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Jeremy, myself, and my mom had Good Friday off, so we decided to trek to my grandparents house for a quick overnight visit. It was a rare treat because we got to see ALL of my mom's siblings! She is one of six, so we normally don't get to see everyone all together unless it's Christmas. Family is so very important to us, and I'm so glad Collen and Charlotte are able to make memories with their great aunts and uncles. These men and women are important parts of my life - it's awesome to be able to see them interact with my children. I can imagine it's surreal for them as well. Along with my aunts and uncles, of course we spent time with my grandparents as well. They are both 85/86 (? I can never remember) and still doing very, very well. I cherish each visit with them, and I'm so glad we were able to make this trip. I had been itching to see them!!</div>
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Collen swinging at Uncle Nelson's house</div>
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Charlotte getting quality time with Great Grandaddy</div>
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Uncle Nelson joined in on the fun</div>
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(My Uncle Nelson used to be a Civil War reenact-or (can you tell?) He was also in the film <i>Gettysburg.</i> His claim to fame - he walked into cannon fire. :)</div>
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Collen with Great Grandaddy</div>
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And with Great Grandmother</div>
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On the way home, we stopped at Aunt Tricia's house where Collen was just in time to dye Easter eggs. He loved it!</div>
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Collen petting Uncle Nelson's chickens</div>
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The whirlwind continued in our hometown for Easter Sunday. Regrettably, I don't have that many pictures from that day. It's always busy when all the kids get together. But we managed to get these at church Sunday morning: </div>
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We don't really do the "Easter bunny." It's not something I want to push very much. I'd rather just leave it as an Easter morning surprise and focus more on Jesus and the reason we celebrate Easter. Growing up, though, my mom always left an egg trail (and for some reason, I thought everyone got an egg trail. I'm now learning that not many people do this....haha....so many have said "what a good idea!" and I'm thinking "Doesn't everyone do this??") I decided Collen and Charlotte would also get an egg trail, so here is Collen following the egg trail on Easter morning at Grandma's house. </div>
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The goodies at the end of the trail:</div>
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We managed to get a good family photo while at my grandparents' house! Collen will actually "smile" for pictures now. </div>
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And this little lady is LOVING eating these days. She skipped over the "first foods" portion and moved right into the "second foods" portion. When I get time, I make her baby food, but working full time doesn't allow that all the time. Thanks to Gerber she's getting a good mix of babyfood. Her favorites right now are any of the fruits, green beans, sweet potatoes, and squash. She doesn't care for peas. She's growing and developing so much and changing weekly! <br />
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That's all that has been going on with the Joneses. We've been staying super busy! Jeremy is on spring break this week. I took Monday and Tuesday off to help him out with the kids and just be home. He's solo today through Friday, and I'm sure he's going to do a great job. :) They love their Daddy, so I know they will have a fun time together. <3 p=""><br /><!--3--></3>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-66920615692935523432013-03-15T11:03:00.002-07:002013-04-30T18:30:43.105-07:00Charlotte is 6 months old!Charlotte turned 6 months old March 4th!<br />
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She continues to be our breath of fresh air....just a sweet, beautiful joy. It amazes me how each child can bring something perfect to the family unit...the one thing that was missing but you never knew it was missing until it was here. You follow me on that? She was missing....and I never even knew it. I was okay to just have Collen. After losing Ayden, Collen had fulfilled me in ways I never expected! I had another boy....I had that mother/child connection again. I had a future to look forward to. I was okay to be a mom of boys and leave it at that. But God said, "Oh, no....y'all thought y'all had seen My work in your boys. You just wait until you meet this baby girl I have for you." She continues to be our beautiful, precious, most wonderful surprise. <br />
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And look what I finally got around to doing.....6 months after she was born. <br />
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I had realized that I hadn't done a birth announcement for Miss Charlotte. Mommy of the year, I tell ya. Since 6 months had passed I wondered if it was even in good taste to do one, but I did one for Ayden and for Collen, so it just would not be fair to our little Miss if we didn't do one. So, I put one together and just love it. Now, I just have to get them in the mail. Hopefully that won't take another 6 months to complete.<br />
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At her 6 month check up:<br />
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Charlotte weighed 15 lbs 8 oz (50%) and is 26.75 inches long (90%). So, she is tall and skinny! I hope she stays that way because she sure does not get that from me. Sounds like a Grandpa Tyson or a Whitley trait to me. She checked out healthy and happy and charmed the doctor through the entire visit. He tested her sitting up skills and standing; he was impressed with both. She's developing normally. Normal is good. I like normal. <br />
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We have started her a few solids. Started slow because she wasn't showing any interest at all. She was, however, becoming much more restless at night, so I knew she needed something other than milk. Also because she has her first tooth! So, we started small with rice cereal. She hates it. I moved on to bananas....surely she would love those. Nope. Not a fan. So, I tried apples....gagged. Carrots....those were okay but still not a favorite. I went to my last resort - the one food that was my fail-safe with Collen - sweet potatoes. She tolerates those, and last night even ate a helping with very little fuss. We're getting there, and she is sleeping much better.<br />
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Speaking of sleeping. This is what we do every night. She still sleeps in our room. Mainly because her room still needs to be finished - little things, really. We need another video monitor and just haven't been able to get/afford one. However, I know it isn't just that. I'm not ready for her to be out of our room. Collen was in our room for his first year. I just need to be able to open my eyes and look directly at her...touch her...make sure she's okay. So, in our room she stays until the right moment comes.<br />
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Pretty sure I've posted this one already, but I just had to post it again. She was just too precious in that dress and headband! She sure does love her Mommy!<br />
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So hard to believe she is 6 months old, but at the same time, it feels like she's been with us so much longer. I guess because she has been....at least with me. :)<br />
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<i>Thank you, Lord, for this wonderful, sweet, dainty blessing-of-a-little-girl. My heart didn't know it could love another child this deeply. So blessed to know what it is to be a mother - to carry a life (3 lives to be exact) and be a part of my/your child's entrance into the world. May the number of her days be <b>many</b> and may she live to know you and know how deeply and wholly she is loved.</i>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-44121205315667027172013-03-04T11:45:00.000-08:002013-03-05T05:52:19.482-08:00Overdue UpdateI'd be amazed if people still read my blog. My goodness....so sorry I'm terrible about updating. We continue to stay so very, very busy. My "free time" normally doesn't come around until about 10pm, and by then, I'm wiped out and can't even begin to process the day enough to get something coherent together for the blog. But, we're still here. And everyone is doing very well.<br />
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Here's what's been going on. Little bit of updates...little bit of random rambling:<br />
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*My new job is going great! It has definitely been a learning curve, but a good one. I feel like I'm finally gaining a grasp of my position and the duties that come along with it. Friday, we (myself and the other 2 coordinators I share an office with) conducted meetings with students who will begin their internships in the fall. It was such a breath of fresh air to be back in "teacher mode." <br />
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*Jeremy and I have started Weight Watchers. Normally, I would keep that secret, but y'all...losing weight is hard. I've never been super skinny nor do I expect to ever be super skinny. I would, however, like to fit back into my clothes a little better. After having 3 kids in 4 years, my body is just not how I would like it to be. More than appearances, though, I want to have energy to keep up with my kids and run around outside with them. I also want to instill healthy eating into our daily routine. So, I'm putting it out there! We're going to try our best to stick to it. I'm not one to exercise. Never have been. I'm sure I could jump on the 5K train and love it, but I just don't have time (I know...make time...believe me, I know). The only running I do is running after Collen. That counts for something, right? I've already used some great recipes from Gina's blog over at <a href="http://www.skinnytaste.com/">http://www.skinnytaste.com/</a>! I've told Jeremy he has to at least TRY whatever I cook. He is a pickier eater than I am, so I'm hoping he will be a good sport. ;) If you've never seen her site, go check it out. She provides WW points with the recipes, so you know how it fits into your plan. Her skinny taste chocolate chip cookies are WONDERFUL and GUILTLESS!! <br />
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*I want a new camera. I got a new digital camera for Christmas, and it's good. I really like it. But, it just doesn't capture those crisp, sharp, "professional-looking" pictures that I want. So many of my friends have DSLR cameras, and I see these beautiful, sharp pictures of their kids, and then I see my grainy, amateur-looking pictures that I take. It's a trivial thing - at least I have memories to capture. I just wish they could be nicer. I keep searching EBAY for deals....I haven't been successful.<br />
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*My 30th birthday is coming up. Oh. My. Word. 30! It wasn't freaking me out until now. I have a month and 22 days left of 29. My twenties were memorable, and so much is held in my twenties. College, losing my first grandparent, marriage, moving away, moving back home, got my Masters Degree, met some wonderful, lifelong friends when I became a Charger at AGHS, at 26 I became a mommy to the sweetest, most beautiful baby boy and then said goodbye 3 months and 28 days later, and then I went on to become mommy to two more beautiful children. I also said goodbye to my Daddy long before I ever expected to. My twenties have been a time of wonderful memories but also heart-breaking ones. Turning 30 seems like the beginning of a new chapter as I look behind at my twenties. I don't know what to think about my thirties. I'm praying they are good to me. Life, though, happens, and all I can do is roll with it.<br />
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*<a href="http://www.griefshare.org/">Griefshare</a> is going well. I think we're a little over halfway through. I'm discovering that I am at a healthy place with my grief, which is good. However, Griefshare has allowed me to get some new perspectives on how I've handled loss. Last night, we talked specifically about guilt and how we deal with the manner in which our loved one passed away. I haven't dealt so much with guilt. I've definitely played the "what if" game...over-analyzing every aspect of the situation with Ayden. I finally got to the point where I realized I couldn't change it. And if I could get the answer to those questions I kept asking, it still wouldn't bring him back and it wouldn't make me feel any better. I have struggled, though, with the manner in which Ayden and my dad passed away. I tend to dwell on their last moments. It runs in a loop in my brain. Although I never saw them in their last moments, my imagination takes over, and I imagine what it must have been like. That in itself is hard on my heart. Then, I begin to think about what was happening at that moment. Were they scared? Did Ayden think of me and want his mommy? What was the last thing my dad thought of? What went through his mind as the heart attack hit? Did he think of us? He was always so ready to meet the Lord, but I can't help but wonder if , in that moment, he said, "Not now, Lord. I need my girls....they need me."<br />
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One part of last night's study really hit me...one of those moments where I'm nodding saying, "Been there." A lady was talking about trying to understand her son's suicide. She said she read book after book. One book went through all of the symptoms and profiles of suicide victims only to end by saying, "But we truly don't know...." and she threw the book across the room. Anytime I read about SIDS or hear someone talk about "SIDS risk factors", I have that same reaction. No one knows what SIDS is. I used to get so angry when I would read about SIDS and search for answers, and continued to be bombarded by the "back to sleep"...."no bumpers"..."be sure it isn't too warm"...."no stuffed animals"...."breast feed your baby"..."let them sleep with a paci." and to go on to say, "These are just suggestions/tips to help prevent SIDS, but SIDS cannot be prevented." Then why make suggestions when it can't be prevented? Sure, those are good suggestions, but most of those would prevent suffocation....not SIDS. So much of the SIDS literature out there leaves parents believing, "If you follow these guidelines, you have nothing to worry about." We did all of those things and more, and it still happened to us.<br />
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I have spent a lot of time reflecting this week. A nearby military family lost their 8 month old last week to a tub accident. I had followed the story all week holding out hope that the baby would wake up, but Thursday they were told there was no brain activity. My heart hurt so badly for them. I spent the majority of the week reliving a lot of the moments we experienced leading up to Ayden's death and then afterward. I knew the fear they were feeling....the agonizing pain. I went back into the "what ifs" and "if onlys." Then I remembered something. A couple of months before he passed away, I noticed a trend with Ayden. When he would fall asleep, and get into a deep sleep, he would sometimes gasp for air. It would scare me so badly. This happened on multiple occasions. I am a light sleeper, so I would always hear, and then snatch him up as quickly as possible. When Collen was born, I made sure I was diligent about watching him when he slept...looking for similar signs. He had one episode like this. Just one. Charlotte, in her 6 months of life, has never done this. Remembering this made me wonder if it could have happened at those moments. There is a theory about a misfiring in their brains...where the baby gets into a very deep sleep, and that one time, something doesn't trigger them to breathe, so they never take that next breath. I have thought that theory was the most likely since I first read it, but now that I've had time to process and really reflect, I'm beginning to think that that must have been what happened. I will never know 100%, and I certainly don't NEED an answer, but having an idea of what could have happened gives me at least a small understanding.<br />
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I've been doing a lot of "loss processing" over the past few weeks. Even processing our losing Tucker....it has taken up until the past couple of days to turn the "loop" off in my mind. Every morning I would wake up reliving the morning he was hit. The fear in his face and the absolute helplessness I felt. I was hysterical, and I just kept telling him, "I'm so sorry, buddy. I'm so sorry this happened." Beating myself up. Wishing I had insisted that I let him out, but I knew if my mom let him out it would save time. Beating myself up again about not getting him a collar to keep him in the yard. I've seen myself go through the same grief process with him - denial, the anger...."Why did he have to go in the road. He knew better! He knew he wasn't supposed to do that!" ....and then the explanations you give yourself, "He's a dog. There's only so much you can do. A dog is going to do what it wants to do." I miss that dog, and his loss is so painful because it could have been prevented. We know that. And those who want to point fingers and send me nasty messages please know I'm pointing the finger at myself. I'm punishing myself enough already...please don't add to it. But again, he was our dog and we knew him best. We did all we could to keep him safe within the limitations he gave us with his nervous nature and small stature.<br />
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I wasn't sure Griefshare was going to be good for me. I felt like it had been too long since the actually losses to jump into a study about grief. But it has proven to be really helpful. It has given me a clearer understanding of grief, and hearing other peoples' stories has helped me feel less alone (and crazy). More than anything, I have been able to feel more closely connected to God in these losses. I had begun to separate my faith and the losses because for so long I wasn't sure where my faith stood within them. I knew I believed in God. I knew I trusted God. I knew I loved God. I knew that He was in control and that His purpose and plan are good. But, it was hard for me to fit all of that into these losses that completely turned those beliefs upside down. It has been healing to bring the two back together.<br />
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Now that I've digressed...<br />
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I do have some pictures to share. I'm finding this is the easier method of updating everyone on the kids and what has been going on in our little part of the world:<br />
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Collen is such a happy boy! He's smart, too! He will be starting preschool in September. I'm interested to find out where he stands within his age/peer group. He amazes us every day with how well he is talking and communicating. He is very contemplative, but he gets frustrated very easily. We work with him a lot on patience and being calm. Most of the time, he is compliant, but we have had to do some time out sessions. He is quite the mannerly fellow - saying, "Please, Thank You, You're Welcome, Excuse Me, and I'm Sorry" at appropriate times. </div>
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This boy loves his sister. And she thinks he is the best thing ever!</div>
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Charlotte is 6 months old today!! She loves her daddy!</div>
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Sweet, sweet baby girl</div>
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I never, ever imagined my heart would be so complete by the presence of this little darling. She has brought more into my life than I imagined another child could. Ayden and Collen brought me more joy than I thought possible, but she has just added to it in such an amazing way! I can't put it into words, but you can see it in my face. She is such a light in my life. She is definitely a mommy's girl right now, but I know that will change. I'm going to soak it up as much as I can! I love the bond she and I share. It is truly remarkable.</div>
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I was napping with her the other morning, and she reached over and put her arm into mine. So sweet.</div>
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We don't get much snow, so when we do, we play in it all we can! Collen LOVED his first snow (it actually snowed the year he was born, but he was much too young to play in it!).</div>
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His gloves were too big, so he had to wear little sister's. hehe</div>
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Even Scout enjoyed the snow!</div>
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Charlotte got to come out and play for about 5 minutes, then she and mommy went back inside to get warm.</div>
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"May the God of hope fill you with all the joy and peace in believing,
so that the power of the Holy Spirit may abound you in hope." Romans
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My dad was a huge fan of genealogy. He had quite an extensive family tree put together for our family. It was daily thing for him. He would study and read and research our family lineage on both his side and my mom's. Some people saw it as a quirk, but he loved it, and I loved listening to him talk about it. Since he passed away, his ancestry information has kind of sat stagnant. I was looking at his Ancestry.com account and answering some emails, then I came across these photos. I love them! </div>
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This is my dad as a baby. I see a lot of Charlotte here...especially in the eyes.</div>
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These are my mom's parents, who are both still kickin' in their 80s. My grandmother caught that fish!</div>
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This is my dad's dad, my Papa. He grew up in a farming community (which is where I also grew up), and local farming has always been a part of our lives. </div>
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This is my mom at about 18. So many people tell me I look just like my dad, but I see a lot of myself in my mom. I thought this picture was just stunning. She has always been absolutely gorgeous! </div>
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This is my dad's mom, my Mama. We have been spending a lot of extra time with her lately. She has been in a nursing home since Christmas after she fractured her back from a fall. We try to take the kids as often as we can. It's definitely hard seeing her there, but she is doing great! Getting stronger every day!</div>
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Mama and her girls</div>
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This is Jeremy's grandma. We've been spending a lot of time with her, too. As we get older, we see the losses we are sure to experience in the coming years. We want to hold on to them as long as we can, but we know that that isn't the nature of life. So, we choose to make as memories as possible to hold on to. We especially want our kids to know their great grandparents and have pictures to look back on. These are precious moments and memories. Such a treasure. </div>
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This was taken a few weeks before my dad left us so unexpectedly. I just came across this photo the other day. I love this man. Those 4 words don't do justice at all to the dept of love I have for him. And with that love comes such a deep, deep, aching loss. He understood me more than anyone else in this world. He was my confidant and my hero. Many days, I feel so very lost without him because in our family unit, he was my other half. With the 4 now being three, it has felt so uneven. Thankfully, me, my mom, and my sister share a strong bond. We stick together and hold each other up. Daddy did that for us for so long, and through his example, we are continuing to do so. </div>
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And this baby boy is missed more and more every single day. We see him so strongly in Charlotte. She looks almost exactly like him. And they share the same quiet, gentle, sweet nature. I consider it a blessing to be able to see her grow and get a glimpse at what he might have looked like. My heart aches to have this sweet boy back in my arms. Come quickly, Lord Jesus. </div>
<br />Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-5298267779621851282013-02-15T11:47:00.000-08:002013-02-15T11:47:03.835-08:00Best Husband Award.......goes to Jeremy Jones!!<br />
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<iframe frameborder="0" height="800" src="https://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=10100979552406143" width="480"></iframe>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-45358923594697829302013-02-13T18:53:00.003-08:002013-02-13T18:53:16.141-08:00This Week This week has been a normal...but pretty big week around here. Check it out:<br />
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Collen calls Sesame Street "Mus Street." He likes to pull out all of his figurines (I'll be sure to get a picture of all of them next time because there are about 10 or so of them) and put them into their little Sesame Street scene/carrier/whatever-you-call-it. He can name every single one of them.</div>
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Right now, Collen is really into building. Mainly, he asks to build a store or a house, or in this case, a zoo. He loves to hold toys that will fit in his hand, so these animals are perfect for him. Grandma bought him some dinosaurs like this, and we play with them every single day!</div>
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He said, "'Countie' is a good friend."</div>
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A little late, but here is Miss Charlotte's 5 month picture!! One day, I'll have a top-of-the-line, professional camera, and take some awesome pictures. </div>
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She is just the sweetest thing.</div>
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Charlotte's new skill this week grasping for - and grabbing onto - toys or anything she can reach....like hair...pillows on the couch...the dog.</div>
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Look at them. I love this picture...even Charlotte's red eye. I'm so glad I captured them together like this. I laid Charlotte down with Collen while we said prayers, and she rolled right over and reached for him. She loves her brother.</div>
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Love the way she is looking at him.</div>
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Sooner than we had planned, but yes... we got a dog. I had been applying with rescue organizations with no luck. They won't allow you to rescue a puppy with small children in the house. However, my argument against rescuing an older dog was that the kids would get attached and then we would have to face another loss much sooner than expected. I'm not against rescuing an older dog - if it was just me and Jeremy, I'd definitely do that. But, you also don't know how an older dog will tolerate loud noises and the energy that comes with kids. I understand their reasoning. So, with all of that in mind, I wasn't really seriously searching, just seeing what our options were. Then, a co-worked told me about this little lady. She was living in a storage tub out in the cold. She had another puppy sharing the tub with her, but that puppy froze to death one night. Just a terrible situation. So, the person who rescued her told my co-worker, and my co-worker told us. We decided to at least meet her. She is the sweetest, cutest thing. We have no clue what she is a mix of (any ideas? We're thinking possibly sheltie?) And she seems to really like us. She loves to play and really loves to be in your lap enjoying a tummy rub. She is such a sweet, loving dog who seems very grateful to have a safe place to call home. We are working on house-training. The wonderful thing is, she WILL walk on a leash, AND she gets along well with Gracie. I'm so very thankful for both of these things. Tucker could not help that it was his natural nervousness that led us not to be able to use the leash, but Lord knows we tried and tried to get him to use it. With her, I was determined that she was going to walk on the leash no matter what. Luckily, she took to it fine. </div>
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Her name is Scout - or, formally, "Jean Louise Finch" You know I have to get literary with it!</div>
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Here are some videos for you to enjoy:
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Charlotte giving Daddy kisses:
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Being silly<br />
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Scout<br />
<iframe frameborder="0" height="800" src="https://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=10100978155410733" width="480"></iframe>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-74700301719446106802013-02-05T11:52:00.001-08:002013-02-05T11:52:20.026-08:00Time for an update<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So, life is incredibly busy. Hello Captain Obvious, right? I thought I could at least add some updated pictures for everyone to see. Charlotte turned 5 months old yesterday, and she is just blossoming. She is precious and such a happy, quiet baby. She will give you a piece of her mind at times, but most of the time she is a cool little cucumber.</div>
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Here are some pictures from the past few weeks. Take a look at what we've been up to. </div>
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Her favorite toy(s) right now - her feet. She has perfected grabbing them (and pretty much anything else you put within her reach) and chewing on them. Sometimes, she pokes herself in the eye. </div>
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Tummy time used to be dreaded, but now...once she's on her back, she's rolling to that tummy!</div>
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She's doing great with head control and seems to take some pride in her new skill.</div>
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I took Gracie to the vet today. She was due for some vaccines and just a general check up. We have been bringing her in on the cold nights, and she has done really well. Normally, she would get in her dog house where we have a heat lamp set up for her, but she's gotten to where she would rather hang out on the deck. On the cold, cold nights that just bothers me. So, we got her a coat to wear during the day, which is just super cute. I need a picture of that. And on cold nights, we bring her in. We also brought her in last night for a bath in the big tub. She surprised us and did so, so well. She's generally high-strung, and I had to literally tackle her and lay down on her to get her into the house. She wanted to run around and play when she saw me. My mantra through that ordeal (and if anyone had heard/seen the whole event would have become hysterical with laughter) was I. AM. STRONGER. THAN. YOU! Gracie looked at me like, "Woman...are you crazy?" In the end, I won and had to carry her inside to get her in the house. Going to the vet today was no different. I had to take her invisible fence collar off to get her into the car. Well, being the good dog that she is, she still wouldn't go past the "line." So, again....picked her up and carried her to the car. She was well-behaved in the car, and stayed with me on the leash while going into the vet. We went to a new vet today - a holistic vet, and it was wonderful! I wish I gone to them all along. We will be going to this vet from now on. We weighed her, and she is a whopping 64 pounds! I am a beast y'all...carrying her like I did! She did great through the shots, and checked out negative for heart worms. The consensus was that she is a sweet, healthy girl. The vet gave me natural tips on taking care of sore spots and treating them. I also had a look inside her ears and saw some white blisters he called my attention to. Know what the culprit was? Milk bones. Apparently, she has a food allergy to them. We don't give them to her often, but when we let her inside, we gave her one to keep her busy in case she became restless. I had no idea. So, we will go the organic route with her to keep her healthy. The vet guessed at her age - because we got her from the shelter and they weren't sure either - and he believes she is around 4.5 - 5 years old. Overall, I was very impressed with Gracie's behavior and so happy to hear that she is healthy!</div>
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At 5 months old, Charlotte has discovered her tongue. Collen did this exact same thing at this age. It's a Tyson trait as my Dad and I also did/do this. I love seeing those little things that carry through. When she gets frustrated, she'll use that little tongue to blow raspberries!</div>
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She is getting so, so big!!</div>
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Collen is in love with his little sister. He loves to greet her each morning and calls her "Chardy" (which sounds a lot like "shawty" when he says it, which just makes us giggle). He gives her hugs and kisses and tells her he loves her all the time.</div>
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"I want to hold your hand, Mommy." - no sweeter request has ever been made. I'll hold his little hand for as long as he will let me!</div>
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GDiapers bundle for sale!!! $275 for all of this. Medium/Large covers with cloth inserts and disposable inserts. Also 12 unused extra small diapers with liners and inserts. Plus two Honest Company swimmers thrown in as a bonus! This is a steal people!!</div>
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Sitting with her Nana. I love her expression!</div>
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Hanging out with daddy!</div>
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The surreal part of my new job. Seeing my name on a placard - working at my alma mater. I'm loving my new job and enjoying doing something different. I miss my teaching friends and my students, though. The transition has been smooth, and I'm hoping to stay in this position/department for a very long time!</div>
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I visited Ayden's spot yesterday and caught a rare sight at the memorial park. Those who visit these places often will notice the rare sight right away. What do you NOT see?? </div>
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Tents. There was not a tent in sight over the entire place. I said a quick "Thank you Lord" for sparing area families from hurt- even if just for one day.</div>
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There's a glimpse into our busy lives! Hope you are all well. Off to a meeting!</div>
Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-29615544799570262862013-01-25T18:18:00.004-08:002013-01-25T18:18:31.841-08:00I needed this little guy's pep-talk today :)If this doesn't cheer you up on a sad day, I don't know what will!<br />
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Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-67995494744949879132013-01-24T19:21:00.001-08:002013-01-24T19:26:27.265-08:00Tucker<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I'm getting really, really tired of saying goodbye. </div>
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This morning was a normal morning. Everything was going just as it always does. My mom stayed with us last night, so she was helping me get out the door this morning. She let our little dog, Tucker, out for me. As she went to let him back in, she opened the door to hear him yelping. He had been hit by a car. Tucker has never/would never walk(ed) on a leash. When you put it on him, he would freeze...not move at all. When we moved into this house, we were worried that this would happen. We had considered a shock collar. We have an invisible fence for Gracie, but she is bigger and can handle the collar. I was afraid that with Tucker being so little, the collar just wouldn't be good for him. Plus, it's likely he wouldn't have moved with it on either. So, we knew we would just have to take our chances. Most of the time, he was good about not going across the road, but others....he was a typical dog. He liked to explore...especially if he caught the scent of another dog. This time, he wasn't so lucky as the other times he dodged cars. </div>
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Obviously, we feel terrible. We feel like we should have done something to prevent it from happening. But - he wouldn't go in the backyard because Gracie is there. And as I said...no leash...and the collar seemed to extreme for such a little dog. </div>
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When I realized what happened, I ran out as quickly as I could. My mom managed to get him off the road, and I covered him with a towel. He was able to move himself with his front legs, and as soon as I got to him, he scooted himself right underneath me and rested his head on my leg. He could not get close enough to me. He just looked at me with those big brown eyes....as if to say, "Please don't leave me. I'm so scared." At that point, he was quiet and breathing heavily. I had already called Jeremy and told him to get home. I stayed with Tucker until Jeremy got there. My mom got his kennel and he got himself into it with very little help from me. He has always been such a tough, strong little guy.</div>
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I decided to take Collen and Charlotte to their babysitter's house. Collen was asleep through it all, so he had no idea what had happened. I preferred to keep it that way, too. Once I got to the emergency vet, the vet explained that his injuries were extensive. He said he could possibly go in and do repairs, but it would mean numerous surgeries and a lot of money.....and Tucker would probably never have use of his back legs. We knew that his quality of life would be miserable if we took that route, so we made the very difficult decision to have him put to sleep. I don't know how many times I told Tucker I was so, so sorry that this happened to him. I know these things happen, but when they happen to you.....it's just awful. This was my first experience with seeing the aftermath of a dog being hit...one of my dogs...and it honestly traumatized me a bit. He was so brave, and he stayed so calm. I don't know what to believe about pets/animals and heaven, but I know they are mentioned in Isaiah in an image of Heaven. If he is there, my dad has his best buddy back with him. Tucker and my dad shared such a bond. Tucker loved visiting my parents' house because he loved my dad. Even after my dad passed away, I could tell that Tucker wondered about him....he would look for him and could always be found in daddy's room.</div>
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Jeremy and I got Tucker in 2006. He was born July 2, 2006, and we got him as a little puppy. He has always been such a loving dog (with us). He was very leery of strangers or people he didn't know well. He has been known to nip at people. He never knew he was so small....because his bark was so big. He saw himself as our protector, and when Collen was born, he took on being Collen's protector as well. We were worried that Tucker would not do well with Collen because he normally did not do well with kids. However, he took to Collen quickly. He liked to watch him and smell him and give him kisses. As Collen got older, Tucker would eat any food Collen dropped on the floor. And just recently, Tucker began giving Collen hugs....and Collen would gladly return those hugs.</div>
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We are going to miss our little buddy so much. He was the best snuggler....you could always find him snuggled under a blanket, especially if one of us was using one...he'd come running to get under it with you. He loved a ball and would chase it as long as you threw it for him. He would give hugs on demand and was so eager to please us. He listened well and obeyed us as a dog should. The unconditional love of a pet is truly amazing, and it creates a bond that is not easily broken. And when it is broken by something like this, it breaks the heart in ways you never knew possible. Is this loss comparable to others? No...but no loss can compare to another. Loss is loss...and it hurts.</div>
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Collen has only asked where Tucker's bowls are since he noticed they are missing. He has not asked about Tucker, though. We don't plan on telling him anything unless he does ask. At 2, I know he won't understand, so in this case, ignorance in bliss. Please pray for us as we try to get back to another "new normal" without our little guy. Gracie has been a light today, and I've given her so many hugs. She's the only fur-baby we have left. Collen and Charlotte have kept us busy and made us smile and laugh. I will continue to count my blessings....our family is healthy....our kids are with us....we are being provided for. Things like this rock your world and knock you down for a little bit, but the memories will remain, and Mr. Tucker will never be forgotten.</div>
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snuggled up with me</div>
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Letting Collen hug him</div>
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I'm going to miss his cute, sweet face</div>
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And this little boy will miss his buddy....</div>
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Love and miss you, Tucker...my sweet companion.</div>
Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1796487427937375263.post-71610605373080480382013-01-09T18:59:00.001-08:002013-01-09T19:00:17.221-08:00Grief: 3 years, 5 months, 15 days....and counting.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I think a lot of people look at me and think, "She's doing great! She has gotten over the tragic loss of her son. Good for her." That couldn't be further from the truth.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yes, I've moved forward with life.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yes, I've had 2 more beautiful children.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yes, I smile and laugh and joke.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But inside....the hurt is still there. Very much so.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I was driving to church Sunday and listening to the Christian music station. It took me 3 years to really listen to music again; especially music that I knew could surprise me and send me into a breakdown....like contemporary Christian music. Sunday, though, I felt strong. I was ready to hear any song that would be difficult to hear. I could handle it. Then the following song came over the radio:</span><br />
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3c3c3c;">I'm gonna wrap my arms around my Daddy's neck</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3c3c3c;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3c3c3c;">And tell him that I've missed him</span></span></i><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3c3c3c;">Cue the breakdown.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3c3c3c;">I continued to listen to the song, which is Mercy Me's "When I Finally Make it Home." Tears streaming down my face at the picture and sounds of Heaven. All I could see was Ayden and my dad...I imagined what they are seeing...what they are hearing....the voices of the angels. I was awestruck and so, so sad. But not so much sad for our loss....sad for myself. I want to be there so, so badly. I heard a preacher once say, "If you're not homesick for Heaven, you need to get your heart right." As each day passes without Ayden and without my dad...this world becomes more and more foreign to me. For a while, after losing Ayden, I wondered why I felt so disconnected. Then, I realized it was because a piece of me was no longer in this world. It was beyond....it was "home." I just wasn't there <b>yet.</b></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3c3c3c;">So, 3 years, 5 months, and 15 days later....the grief still hits. This week, for some reason, has been a week of a "wave." The waves of grief don't come as often as they used to, but they still come. I expect them, and I even welcome them. Grieving has become second nature to me. Sure, the unrelenting pain has lessened. I have been able to continue with my life. However, after 3 years...it still isn't easy. It never will be. This week, I have been distant. I have conversations, but I'm not "all there." My mind drifts and lingers on memories. Tears flood my eyes as I remember his smile, his laugh, his snuggles, his sweet sighs in the middle of the night, his big hands, and his gentle demeanor. 3 years later I still tell God that I don't understand. I still say, "I wish...." and "If only..." In 30 years, I expect to still do the same.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3c3c3c;">It has been 1 year, 2 months, and 20 days since my dad passed away. I have not processed this loss well. With Ayden, I took a semester off of work. I was home alone...a lot. I was able to face grief head-on and really FEEL the loss. I went through each step of grief and really had a chance to process it all in a healthy way....and in my own way. When my dad passed, it was another unexpected loss. My life was incredibly busy...and would soon be busier with a new baby. I had not time to let it sink in...let it process. I still struggle a lot with my dad's passing. You would think that being through the loss of a child, I could handle this pretty easily...already knowing the steps. I've learned that you grieve differently for each loss you experience. Losing a child can't compare to losing a parent. The two are completely different and require different approaches. Thankfully, our church is hosting a GriefShare class. I plan to attend so I can finally have a chance to process this. I have been terribly broken over the past 3 years. I hope I can find some healing through this class.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #3c3c3c;">Time doesn't ease the pain. It doesn't erase the event or the memory of it all. Time only passes, and in my case...I encourage time to pass as quickly as it wants. As time passes, I'm closer to the end and my ultimate goal. I only pray that as time passes, I do my best to raise my children in such a way that they are with me in the end so we can all be together in glory.</span></span>Lindsayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07289549963275047672noreply@blogger.com7