Traces of Ayden

2012-02-05T14:39:00.000-08:00

I had one of those dreams last night that you wish to never wake from. My night had been filled with random dreams....random people and situations....and then I heard a familiar voice coming from "the next room.". It took me .5 seconds to realize who it was. No one else in the world has that voice...it was my daddy. In my dream, I ran down a flight of stairs to find my dad smiling at me and saying, "Hey, sweetie." I jumped into his arms and held on for dear life...sobbing the entire time. Of course, the dream faded away, and I woke up, but the last image I had was of me, being held by my daddy. I knew exactly where this dream had come from. Since October 21, the little girl in me (the little girl in most all women) has longed to be back in daddy's arms again. Because daddy just makes it all better. It's hard to find the comfort that only dad can bring when he isn't here to give it.

Sigh....I haven't been myself all day.

I promise all of my posts won't be so sad and depressing. This moment...although not "real" was too precious not to write down. This is a season of life that I am working through, and as sad as it is...and I am...there a many moments of joy. I promise to write about those soon. Thank God for continuing to bring light and happiness into our lives when we feel surrounded by stress, sadness, and loss.

What I miss...

2012-02-01T17:09:00.000-08:00

I am currently in that 2nd phase of grief over the loss of my Dad.
I think it is because the holidays are past and the craziness of all that has slowed down. Life is now back to "normal" but definitely not normal. The moments in my day when I miss him most are the afternoons....when I would either call him or get a call from him....and the evenings when I would likely call again to ask my mom something and hear him say, "Rita....it's your eldest...". I miss his contagious laugh and smile. I miss the comfort of his hugs and the reassurance of his voice. Most of all, I miss having my DAD....I miss that connection. I miss being Daddy's girl and knowing that even when I didn't understand myself, he did. I am still taking it day by day, and if I am honest with myself....I am really struggling. To say I miss him doesn't do the pain justice. It's just hard. The one thing that brings me joy is that he and Ayden are together....making up for lost time. What a beautiful image...

still here....I promise.

2012-01-30T17:50:00.000-08:00

Oh how I miss blogging. I promise to be better. I will post very soon!! I have some good material....just be patient with me!! Be on the look-out....new post coming soon. In the meantime, I am keeping up with the blogs I read and keeping everyone close in thought and prayer.

Love,

"Melmo"

2012-01-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

Oh boy, 16 months is such a fun age! Collen has quite the personality, and he seems to do something new every single day!

We are loving watching his personality blossom. He is quite the social butterfly. He loves to say, "Hey!" to people and "Bye Bye" when they leave. He will repeat almost anything you try to get him to say. He is very verbal....really "talkative" - although it comes out as jibberish most of the time.

He is saying so many things:

"Melmo" - Elmo
Da Da
Momma
NaNa - which is banana and NaNa (Jeremy's mom)
Juice
Eat
No
Yes
Mess
Gross
Yuck - "uck"
Truck -"uck"
Sock - "ock"
Shoes - "oosh"
Hot
Light
Octopus - "Pus"
Football - "butt-ball"
Ball
And all sorts of animal sounds!!

He says even more than these, but I can't remember them all!

I need to get some updated pictures on here for you guys to see. I take so many pictures on my phone...I really need to start using my camera again.

I am enjoying watching him learn and finding out what interests him. He still LOVES books. He now really enjoys puzzles and riding on his cars. He also enjoys his Sesame Street playset he got for Christmas. Anything that is hand-held, like a figurine or a toy car...he loves! He has also, just recently, become interested in coloring. He doesn't quite have the attention span for it, yet, but he will sit and color for a little while (supervised of course....we don't leave him unattended for very long at all!! He gets into mischief pretty easily!). He has also taken an interest in watching particular tv shows - namely Sesame Street/Elmo's World. He also enjoys the Winnie the Pooh movie and Curious George.

This week, we have noticed a huge change in his sleeping patterns. Over our Christmas break, he slept all night long... 8:30 - 6:30 in his crib, and then he would move over to our bed to finish out the last 2 hours. It was heavenly!! Now that we have gone back to work and back to our routine, he hasn't slept well at all. I don't know if it's the change in routine again (he slept fine with this routine before) or teething or a new phase of separation anxiety. Whatever it is...it has us all exhausted. He is waking up at night (usually about 3 hours after we put him to bed) just screaming and inconsolable! We considered night terrors, but he is soothable once we hold him. But once we go to put him back in the crib, he's screeching and screaming so loud!! He sounds terrified!! And we don't have the heart to leave him in his crib crying like that. So, we let him sleep with us. We know this is bad practice, but we have to get some sleep!! This has gone on for the last week with no end in sight. Tonight, he wouldn't even go down as he normally does. I watched Jeremy (on the monitor) trying to lay him in the crib, and he just cried and cried. Eventually, Jeremy took the matress out of his crib and put it on the floor so he could lay next to him (I had almost done this the other night...). I'm watching now and it seems Jeremy has fallen asleep...haha. Anyway, I'm wondering if we should convert his crib to a bed and see how that goes. Since he likes our bed so much...I'm thinking it may make him feel more comfortable?

Never a dull moment, huh?

You Hold Me Now

2012-01-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

Our worship team has been playing a new song lately. I remember hearing it, for the first time, over the summer. It caught me completely off guard, and I sobbed through the entire song. Jeremy didn't even have to see my face to know I was about to fall apart....and he ever-so-sweetly put his arm around me and held me through the song. The song is "You Hold Me Now" by Hillsong. It, like so many other songs about Heaven, obviously bring Ayden to mind. And now...my dad. Worship, and music in general, was difficult for me after Ayden passed away because the words to each song had taken on a whole new meaning. I would look around at people singing wondering if they truly meant the words they were singing....did they really bless the name of the One who gives AND takes away? After Collen was born, worship became a little easier. Music had begun to ease back into my life, and I was able to sing and listen without breaking down so much. Then...my dad passed away. And the cycle started over again. It's not quite as hard as it was before, but worship still triggers the emotions...especially when I imagine my dad singing those songs...in full on worship...as I loved to see him. I miss watching my dad worship. I miss dad...period. And now, I have 3 things propelling me to Heaven - Christ, Ayden, and my Dad...and this song brings all of that to the surface. I love everything about this song, and I hope that one day I can actually sing it instead of sobbing through it.

Here are the lyrics:

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace

All my fear is swept away
In the light of your embrace
When Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails

When Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day

When the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name

No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now

Another Christmas...

2011-12-26T21:05:00.000-08:00

As I've mentioned in the past, the anticipation of the holidays - especially the firsts without a loved one - is worse than the actual holiday.

Leading up to Christmas, I had no idea what the day would hold emotionally for everyone. I knew that I would be okay because I would be distracted by Collen. This was our third Christmas without Ayden. The first and second were super, super hard. I fought back tears and held a lump in my throat through the entire day both years. This year, Collen kept us so distracted, it was hard to focus on the loss we were feeling. But it was there. When we gathered together as a family and I looked at Collen playing...imagining the 2 and a half year old who should be there also...running around...excited about Christmas and spending time with family. I never forget that there should be another excited child in the room....never.

My dad's absence was greatly felt. When it came time for the blessing for our meal at my grandma's (my dad's family), my dad always spoke the prayer. This year, my uncle stepped in - as it should be - and through tears and a broken voice (and heart), he spoke a beautiful prayer over the family. Candles were lit in memory of our loved ones in heaven. It was hard to see that extra candle on the table this year - my father's candle. Not hearing his voice, his laughter....not seeing him with Collen...was very, very hard. But like I said, Collen was a great distraction for all of us. We had to be strong and watching the joy on his face was enough to keep us joyful and mindful of our blessings despite our pain. I "heard" my dad there with my family as my uncle responded to Collen's jibber-jabber with "You did?!" - my dad ALWAYS said that to Ayden and Collen when they would coo...or speak that baby jibberish. I sat next to my uncle purposefully. I needed to feel the presence of a big, daddy body next to mine. I needed to loop my arm through his, as I would my dad, to help me feel closer to him again...especially at Christmas. My uncle is a lot like my dad in demeanor and even stature...so it helped (if that makes sense...hope it does). We all had our moments where we broke - and that was okay. It helps me to see others hurting. I know that sounds terrible, but don't misunderstand my meaning here. When I looked over and saw my cousin crying....knowing that his dad's sadness and tears (my uncle) triggered his tears...triggered the loss he feels...it helps me to see that because it shows me that they miss him, too. My mom,my grandma, my uncles, my sister, DJ, Jeremy, and myself aren't the only ones missing him. The extended family members miss him...neighbors miss him...friends miss him...people he met a handful of times miss him. It just helps to know he is not forgotten. Just as I've said in the past with Ayden - it would hurt me more to feel like people forgot him. And people continue to remind me that Ayden is not forgotten. And my dad won't be forgotten either.

Collen's Christmas was filled with family, fun, too many gifts to count (he is absolutely blessed beyond belief!), joy, laughter, and so many smiles. It warmed my heart to spend this Christmas with him. Last Christmas he was 4 months old. I was excited but full of fear. 4 months will forever be a milestone of fear for me - it's the one Ayden missed by 2 days. We thought we were in the clear. We thought we were past the "peak" time for SIDS. And like most parents, we thought it could never happen to us. Last year, I was operating on auto-pilot...surviving...praying fervently for each day to come and go and allow me to keep my baby. We have now seen a 2nd Christmas with Collen. This Christmas was much more relaxed. I allowed myself to enjoy it and revel in the twinkle in his little eyes on Christmas morning. Even if he didn't really understand, he knew he was surrounded by those who love him most in the world (and in Heaven...I believe his big brother, PaPa, and Great PaPa and Grandpas were there, too.) I made it a point to fully immerse myself in this experience with Collen. 1. because I didn't want to wallow in what we were missing. I wanted to dwell on our blessings and all the joy we still have in our lives. 2. I know better than most that I'm not promised another day with my child. So, I make it a point to do my best to never take a single second for granted. It can be gone in the blink of an eye.

My mindset has evolved over the past 2 and a half years. Yes, I miss Ayden. More than anyone could ever imagine. He is my first born, and I will forever share a bond with him that I won't share with any of our other children. I was his mother first. I felt his kicks and jabs first. I loved him first (don't confuse that with "most" because I love he and his brother equally and just as fully). I found my purpose as a mother through Ayden, and I am a better mother today because of him. And my heart was shattered when he had to leave my world. I have experienced the entire realm of grief....and have gone through the cycle numerous times. I find that now, I am a point where I can say, "I'm okay." I know that Ayden is safe. I know that he is okay. I know that I will be with Ayden again. He's waiting for me, and each passing day is one more step closer to him. My purpose, now, is not to dwell in the loss and the grief, but to live my life so that I can be joined with him again...and so that his brother and future siblings (if there are to be any) will also join him in Heaven. This life is full of loss. I don't like it. It's hard to accept. But, if you're able to find hope...you can face loss head on knowing that it is only temporary. Ayden isn't gone forever. My dad isn't gone forever. We have only been separated for a short time. If I look at it that way, facing the hard days here aren't so daunting.

I hope you all had a blessed Christmas. I know that many of you had difficult holidays due to loss and missing loved ones. I pray that you find comfort in your memories and that you are able to find hope to help you through. God bless.

"Christmas" Movies

2011-12-21T22:53:00.000-08:00

I think everyone has their list of movies that are their "must-sees" for Christmas. I thought it would be fun to share mine with you. Comment with your must-see Christmas favorites!

1. Meet Me in St. Louis - starring the incredible Judy Garland. This is my #1 must-see! I try to watch it every year on Christmas Eve. It puts me in the ultimate Christmas Spirit. Beautiful movie....one of my all-time favorites!

2. The Family Stone - I watched this one early this year because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it at Christmas time this year. I love this movie for so many reasons! Mostly because I love Claire Danes, Diane Keaton, and Dermot Mulrooney! :)

3. Elf - This is one I have to watch while wrapping gifts. Never gets old!

4. A Christmas Story - We don't have cable anymore, so I never get to see the 24 hour marathon! haha, but I do manage to catch glimpses while we're visiting family. Fa ra ra ra ra!

5. Lord of the Rings Trilogy - According to my sister, these are "Christmas" movies. Every year for the past few years, we have bunkered down and watched the trilogy together. Last year, (I believe) my sister, myself, and my dad attempted to watch all 3 together. It never happens because one of us always fell asleep, but we shared a common bond with these movies. We love them and enjoy breaking them out at Christmas!

6. The Nativity Story - Let's not forget the reason for the season! I love this movie, and it will become a movie we watch together each year at Christmas to remind us of the true reason we celebrate not just at Christmas, but throughout the entire year. Celebrate the birth of Christ and the sacrifice He made for us!

What are your must-see Christmas movies?

I promise I haven't fallen off the face of the earth...

2011-12-20T18:54:00.001-08:00

....I have just been incredibly, unimaginably busy. And, to be quite honest, a little lazy. We recently joined the world of smart phones, and my poor laptop has been neglected. That, and the power cord for our computer died, so all we had for a little while was our phones. Blogging, from my phone, takes forever.

I really haven't had much in the way of writing material. Life is life. And I'm struggling with that. I had a job interview about 2 months ago, and I was so excited about the opportunity. It fit me so perfectly. I had made it to the top round of candidates - narrowed down from 16 to 4. I was honored to have made it that far. The interview went very well. Then the waiting game began. And I waited, and waited, and waited. Then got the dreaded rejection email. :( I did inquire about what I might need to do in the future to better my chances and was told that the only reason I was not their top choice was because the other 2 they hired had more experience - one being a lead mentor teacher and another with administration experience. Hey, I can't argue with that....they definitely have more experience. However, had one of them not accepted, I was next on the list. I'm trying to remain encouraged, but (in my whiniest of little girl voices) "I really wanted that job!"

So, on I go with my 8th graders. I just finished The Hunger Games with 2 of my classes. They absolutely loved it! Every single day was a thrill because they were so eager to read and learn more. Most of them had read the entire series before we finished the first book as a class. They couldn't quite grasp the idea of "studying" a book....they wanted to zip through. They did, however, revel in the purpose, characterization, and symbolism. Go figure!

I plan to read Night with them next as we go into our non-fiction unit. I know it's typically reserved for high school, but I'd rather go with something I'm familiar with. Plus, I know they'll enjoy it. My 10th graders always do.

I'm beginning to get the hang of middle school. I don't hate my job in any way. I don't leave work unhappy every day. And I love the people I work with. I love my kids (I said love...I do love them. Liking them all the time is a different story.), and they seem to really like me. High school is still where I feel most comfortable, though.

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We had our first family Christmas gathering without my Dad this past weekend. It was more than obvious that he wasn't there. My dad had a big presence. His spirit and laughter could fill an empty room with just him alone. When you were with him, there was just a fullness to the space around you that only he could create. I kept looking around the room at my family...noticing the places my dad would have been sitting. The ones (everyone) he would have made a point to talk to. My mom's family has been through a lot this year. My cousin lost her husband unexpectedly 5 weeks before my dad also unexpectedly passed. She has two young kids. So, we were all feeling the loss of two good men in our family. It was our most somber, relaxed gatherings yet.

With the holidays approaching, not getting the job, and just the hustle and bustle of work and trying to do it all....I had a rough week last week. I hold a lot in regarding my grief for my dad. I don't talk about it much. I talk to my mom, but with her I hold back because I don't want to upset her. However, I know how important it is to have those honest talks where you just let it all out. The day I found out I didn't get the job, more than anything I just needed to talk to my dad. Other can reassure me and encourage me, but it usually takes my dad saying "those things" for me to begin to believe them. Life hasn't turned out at all like I thought it would. That has been the hard realization I've been struggling with lately. I hadn't told anyone I had been feeling this way or thinking this way because I felt so guilty about it. Jeremy picked up on it (of course he did! I forget how well he knows me...) and has been so great about being sensitive to me needing space or just letting me talk when I feel like it. I have felt guilty because with everything I had to be thankful for and happy about.....I just haven't felt happy lately. I don't like what life has given me to deal with. I'm without a son. I'm without my dad. Who else will I have to lose? I hate to even think about it. I watch Collen and just ache thinking of the possibility of him not being here. Or Jeremy....can't even go there. I just have to keep repeating, "This is not my home. This is not my home. This is not my home."

Thank goodness for Christmas break. I chance to relax, process, recuperate, and prepare for another year.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. I have gotten your comments and messages. Thank you so much!

A different perspective

2011-11-24T16:21:00.001-08:00

I've looked at life through a whole different point of view since Ayden passed away. After losing Ayden, I became very guarded. I was scared to love..fully. To put my whole self out there again. Because, what if I did, and I lost someone else. Then, I began to realize - in this life, there is loss. Period. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. All the more reason to approach life and loss with hope....doing your best to muster up all the hope you can find amidst the pain.

When October rolled around and we had gotten past the 2 year mark (August 25th), I began to look at the coming holiday season with more joy than I had felt in the past 2 years. I was hopeful....looking forward to finally experiencing a somewhat "normal" holiday season. One of so much happiness....so much joy....new perspective. Then, October 21st reared its ugly head. And it all fell apart all over again.

BUT....because of our loss, I have approached the loss of my Dad much differently than I expected. At first, I was completely torn apart. I felt so lost....so down....I begged God to take me HOME...."take me to Heaven because I can't do this anymore....I can't go through life constantly waiting to lose something/someone else." Then, I began to think about my Dad and how he would approach this. How he would tell me to treat his death. My dad would be more upset with me if I continued to dwell...continued to focus on the loss...because that would mean I wasn't focusing on the joy he is experiencing right now. The joy that is to come when we meet again. After we lost Ayden, he was the only one I would really listen to. I've always valued my dad's opinion and advice (well...except during my teenage years....because when you're that age you "already know everything" right? But even then, I did consider what he was telling me...), and I know that he knew I needed him. He knew I needed his sound advice....even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. And yes, there were times when I was frustrated with him because I didn't understand how he had been able to move forward (or seemed to), but he did it because we all needed him to be strong for us...to hold us up...and he knew we needed a hopeful perspective. And...that was my dad. Always hopeful....because there's no reason we should live this life without hope.

Over the past few weeks, I've struggled. Today was hard. But I didn't show it. As I've said, I've kept this loss more private. I'm not sure why. In a way, I guess it's my way of sharing my pain with my dad....in the moments when I'm alone with my thoughts and memories....alone with his words, laughter, smile, and wisdom running through my head. In those moments, I'm with my dad, and we're sharing our time together...just the two us....moments which were so very special to me. That's when I break down. I was determined to approach Thanksgiving with a grateful heart. I don't want to be angry and bitter. I just want to live with hope. To me, letting myself get bitter and angry is letting this world win....because I would be clinging to this world, this life, a life that is going to pass away and is not guaranteed to any of us. This is not my home, and it is not my son's home...or my dad's home....this is not where I will spend eternity with my God. That doesn't mean I'm not sad or hurting....because I am. So much. I was doing okay today until Jeremy's uncle hugged me - he's about the same height and stature as my dad. When he squeezed me....and held on....my heart broke. I have missed that more than anything....to be in my father's arms was the safest I ever felt. And now, I realize I have a heavenly father who wants me to look to Him for that safety and security....He wants all of my hope to be in Him. I'm so glad he understands our hurt and our pain and our questions. He can take every angry moment or bitter blame we throw at him. He knows our sorrow, but He always knows where our Hope should be, and I am determined to give him all of my hope.

Aside from all of the loss we have experienced these past 2 years - Ayden, my Dad, and just last weekend....my sister's dog (you might say, "It's a dog." But Paisley was more than a dog to all of us....especially my sister. She was there for my sister at her lowest moments and she was our hope for my sister during those times....her absence is felt greatly!)....I still have so much to be thankful for. I have lived a blessed life - A savior who loves me unconditionally, wonderful, Godly parents who I credit so much for me being the person I am today, for the values I hold, and for my faith, a loving husband who adores me, two beautiful boys with bright blue eyes who have made my life complete, a sister and a best friend all in one, wonderful family who love me and have shown me what family should be, a supportive and compassionate church family who never fail to amaze me, friends who have stuck by me through it all, a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothes to wear....every basic necessity, and nothing but wonderful memories past, present, and to come, and most of all....hope for a future with no more pain, no more tears, and a reunion that is beyond my imagination.

And while I certainly don't like the circumstances that have been allotted to me, and I would never have greeted them willingly, they have given me a new perspective....a new focus. And for that, I am grateful.

Forgetting...then remembering....stinks.

2011-11-15T15:37:00.001-08:00

Obviously, I haven't been keeping up my blog as I should. I wish I had more time to devote, but time is scarce these days. I was already behind at work when everything happened with my dad, then I took a week off, and I became even more behind. Not saying that I really care....I did what I had to do to take care of myself and my family. So, I'm slowly but surely catching up....definitely slowly.

Lately, I've been having those typical moments after loss....when you forget. I would talk to my dad on the phone every couple of days - either on my way to work or on my way home. On my way to work this morning, I had some down time after dropping Collen off and then driving to school. I had the sudden urge to call my dad...my mind was saying, "You haven't talked to Daddy in a while." My common sense kicked in just behind that thought with the obvious answer as to "why". Those moments are hard. When, for a split second, you forget that that horrible event ever happened, and then you're quickly reminded and hit with it all over again. It happened again on my way out of work. I was walking across the grass to get to my car, and I saw all these little holes in the ground...like an animal had tunneled all these little holes, and just as I was thinking, "Daddy would know what made these...." reality hit me again. ugh...

I've dreamt of my dad twice, and I have to say, it is quite comforting to see him there. When I'm awake, I feel very lost without him. Then, when he shows up in my dreams, everything feels "right" again. In my last dream, he was lying on the couch at he and my mom's house. I was so overcome to see him because I've missed him terribly. In my dream, I went over to him and knelt down....laying my head on his chest....just sobbing. He said, "What's wrong, sweetie?" And I answered, "I miss you, Daddy." And I think I remember him saying, "I know you do" in that tone of his that would say - "I know you're sad and upset, but everything is going to be okay." Oh, how I miss that voice and tone.....it brought such peace and calmness into my life.

28 years with someone is a short span of time when you're looking at the big picture. But, 28 years of memories, routines, traditions.....that's a long time to build a life with a person....to build such a secure and meaningful relationship. And now that that is gone, so abruptly, it has been very hard to get used to.

The grief I am experiencing through this loss is much different than losing Ayden - as it should be. Losing your child is probably the most tragic loss anyone can ever experience. It's not natural...it isn't expected. Now, I certainly didn't expect to lose my dad at 28, but my heart was beginning to prepare itself for his loss. I knew it was going to happen, and Daddy has been trying to prepare us for years now. But, as much as you anticipate it and try to wrap your mind around life without someone you cherish, you're never ready when it happens, and it hits hard. I haven't expressed my grief emotionally very much this time. I've held a lot in. A lot. Instead of feeling overwhelming pain, I've felt more of an overwhelming sense of confusion....feeling very lost and uncertain about everything.

I've been very open about how loss has affected my faith and relationship with God. No doubt, I've gone through a lot of questioning. A lot of doubt. A lot of wondering.....about everything. All the "what ifs" take over because you can't help but consider them. At first, I would push it all away....shocked that I would even think that way....that I would even doubt! Then, I realized, it's normal...and it has actually made my faith deeper. I've had to search my heart and really own what I believe.....really get into scripture and theology....and decide what I believe in the hardest of situations. I still have a long way to go, and before this, I felt like I was finally getting somewhere....finally getting to solid ground. Although this did spur the questions again, my foundation is much stronger. And I have my Dad to thank for that because whenever I questioned....whenever I doubted....he was one of those voices of reason....one of the people who helped me keep my faith. But, now, I understandably feel a little lost now that that is gone....but luckily, I can hear his voice still....telling me to keep leaning on the Lord.

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We are taking a much-needed family vacation this weekend. We've never gone on a trip where it was just the three of us. We decided to take advantage of the last little bit of warm weather left and take Collen to the NC Zoo. I haven't been in a very long time. I'm really looking forward to it! We are planning to take our time...taking Friday and Monday off...and just spend time together as a family. Please pray for safety as we travel.
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I know so many of you continue to think of us and remember us in prayer. Thank you, thank you, thank you! It means so, so much...especially when I just can't find the words to pray sometimes. I know God knows my heart, and he knows our hurt.....He knows what we need. I'm so thankful for that.

Back to work

2011-11-03T18:30:00.000-07:00

I meant to write about Monday on....well...Monday, but this week has gone by very quickly. And here it is, Thursday night, and I'm staring the weekend in the face (thank God!).

Needless to say, going back to work Monday was not easy. It's amazing how quickly you get out of the groove...especially when teaching. It was as if I was meeting my students all over again. Most of them, though, were very gracious and sympathetic. A couple of them actually had flowers sent to me during class (I was holding back tears at such a kind gesture from middle schoolers!). Of my 3 three, a majority of them were extremely sympathetic and cooperative. But, you always have those few.....the ones who can just ruin it all. I choose to ignore them and just focus on the ones who make it worthwhile.

I did not teach on my first day back. I had planned to. I had notes ready to go. But, I just couldn't get my "teacher voice" going. I needed to my legs back under me. So, I did what every good teacher does - we watched a movie. It was Halloween....so why not? And I chose two movies that were both based on literary works. For my advanced group: The Count of Monte Cristo (they LOVED it!!) and for my standard groups: Because I knew it might keep their attention more - The Others (based on Henry James's The Turn of the Screw). My 2nd group loved it, and I loved watching them squirm when that suspenseful music started to play. My 3rd group...well, they're my challenging group. We survived it....and that's an accomplishment.

I have gotten back into the swing of things, and being back at work has been a good distraction. It's just strange, though, because I feel like I have a split personality. All day, I'm in teacher mode, but my grieving side....the daughter who desperately misses her dad....tries to push through all day. And I have to push back in order to keep my composure. On the outside, it looks like I'm handling it all well, but on the inside.....I'm not. Once school is over, and I'm in the car on my way home, I'm breaking down.....the emotions surface....and I'm a meltdown waiting to happen. It definitely takes a toll on you when you have to handle it this way.

I'm so used to picking up my phone on the way home and calling Daddy....or him calling me. I miss that so much. That's what I have missed the most this week....hearing his voice. It is becoming more real, which is just plain hard. But, I am able to find comfort in knowing that my dad is up there in heaven....with Ayden. They're together. 2 friends have made allusions to butterflies this week....both mentioning my dad and Ayden together represented as those butterflies. It's such a sweet image.....warms my heart a little bit. I also find comfort in knowing that my dad is worshipping....boy is he worshipping!! I loved to watch my dad worship the Lord. For his memorial service, we chose the song, "How Great Thou Art." There was no question in my mind what had to be sung at his service because that song IS my dad. As a child, I remember watching my dad sing this song....belting it out....raising his hands...and tears rolling down his face. He meant every word. He was always in awe of God. He taught me to be in awe of God. We shared so many interests - nature, weather, animals (birds in particular), the Universe (he and I loved looking at the constellations, planets, pictures of galaxies and stars), and we would talk about the return of Christ because the book of Revelation always fascinated us. I'm really, really going to miss sharing those things with him because those were things that I shared only with him.

As the song was sung at his service, I sat with my eyes closed....taking in every word. It had been a while sing I had last heard the song, but I knew most of it by heart. I hadn't realized, until that very moment, just how perfectly it fit my dad.

Stanza 1:
O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all
The world Thy Hand hath made,
I see the stars,
I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy pow'r throughout
The universe displayed;

Refrain:
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!

Stanza 2:
When through the woods
And forest glades I wander
I hear the birds
Sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down
From lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook
And feel the gentle breeze;

Refrain:

Stanza 3:
And when I think,
That God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die,
I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross,
My burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died
To take away my sin.

Refrain:

Stanza 4:
When Christ shall come,
With shouts of acclamation,
And take me home,
What joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow
In humble adoration
And there proclaim,
"My God, how great Thou art!"

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that joy filled my father's heart in the moment that he met Christ face to face. My prayer is that, here on earth, I can be half the person and believer my dad was every single day.

The fog is lifting...

2011-10-30T18:47:00.000-07:00

Me and my family have spent the past week in a literal fog. I know I, personally, have been deep in denial that it all actually happened. That my dad is gone. It just wasn't real......

....until we came home. We have spent the past 9 days at my parents' house. You would think that would make it more difficult, but ironically, it has made it a bit easier. Even though Daddy's absence was clearly felt, it was easy to pretend that he was just in another room....out of sight....about to pop in at any moment. We had gotten so used to him being gone on business or in his office working, so we were used to him making a short appearence only to go back to work or to lie down.

Jeremy and I came home today. I have to go back to work tomorrow after being gone for a week. I absolutely dread it. I know getting back into a routine will help, and it's exactly what Daddy would tell me to do, but it scares me. I'm worried that my students won't be patient with me....and that one little thing will put me into a meltdown.

Speaking of meltdowns. As I said, I was okay, for the most part, until we came home. Jeremy had a coaches' meeting, so he left as soon as we got all of our bags and stuff into the house. It was just me and Collen....and a house I hadn't stepped foot in in a week. I was quickly overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done: cleaning, straightening, unpacking, schoolwork, planning, bathing and feeding the baby, putting him in a crib he hasn't slept in in over a week (he slept with me....hard transition). A meltdown came, and it came quickly.

My dad has always been my constant. When things were turned upside down and I was sure that life was never going to be the same again.....he was always there. He could calm nerves and ease my worries. At a young age, I dealt with anxiety. I would wake up at night crying, not sure of why I felt so anxious and worried....I just was. Daddy would come into my room and sit next to me. He would calm me down, talk to me, and pray for me. He would stay with me until I fell asleep. I cherish those moments with him.....stolen moments, just me and Daddy. I have a great relationship with my mom....I know I don't talk about it much, but she and I do have a wonderful relationship, and I go to her for so many things. However, with Daddy....I never had to explain myself....he just got me. I guess because he and I are so much alike. I would do anything in the world for my Dad. I was a bit more stubborn with my mom (sorry mom ;) I guess that's how mothers and daughters are, though). Daddy has always been the one person who made life stable. And now, without him, I feel completely unbalanced. No one can fill the Daddy-sized hole in my heart. 28 years of memories. 28 years of nothing but wonderful, treasured memories.

I've tried not to think about everything Collen will miss out on. I can't let my mind go there, yet. Collen adored my dad. All anyone had to do was be in a room with them for 2 minutes and the connection was clear. My dad is the one person Collen would go to over ME...his own mother! As long as Pa Pa was in the room, no one else mattered to Collen. He would light up at the very sight of Daddy. Collen is blessed with two great men for grandfather's, but I hate that he will only grow up really knowing one of them. I know what he's missing out on, and I ache for what he's missing. He won't go without knowing about his Pa Pa, though. We'll tell him all about him and be sure he knows how much his Pa Pa loves him. Collen is a lot like me....in personality and looks....and that means he's a lot like his Pa Pa. I love that....

I was telling my mom yesterday that out of all of us, I know Daddy was the most ready to go. Meaning....he was happy to be here while he could be, but if it was his time to go....he wasn't going to argue. I knew that, and the human side of me feared the day it would happen. Aside from losing a child and losing my husband, losing my daddy was at the top of my list of most-feared things. But, I knew that I couldn't have him forever, and I knew that given the opportunity, he'd go willingly. I'm thankful that we didn't have to watch him in a hospital....waiting. I'm thankful that he went quickly and peacefully. And i'm thankful that he is where he longed to be. He talked about it daily. I know he was so ready to get to Heaven and worship our God. Our loss is certainly Heaven's gain.

And as my mom said, "The world is just a little emptier, and the sun doesn't shine quite as bright anymore." And anyone who knew my dad, would agree.....it just isn't the same anymore.

I know I say it all the time - Lord come quickly.....

Back to where it all started...

2011-10-27T06:45:00.000-07:00

Starting the grief process all over again is very strange. I'm conflicted because I know what my dad would be telling me to do right now, but my heart may burst from the pain of it all. My dad was always very real with me....verbalizing reality to me whenever he could. "You know I won't be here forever. You have to accept that." He would explain to me and my sister where we could find the insurance information or how he wanted things done. I remembered my dad saying, "Don't make a fuss over me. I don't want to be dressed up." He never gave himself credit....for anything.

When 450 people showed up to his service, at 2 on a Monday afternoon, I was not surprised in the least. Wherever my dad went, he touched lives. Just being around him, you could feel the grace flowing through him. He was never quick to judge...always considering others before himself. He was a bit old-school about some things, but for the most part, he kept his opinions to himself. He was "Heaven-focused." It was all he talked about. I knew that I wouldn't have my daddy with me forever, but I didn't like thinking about it. He made that difficult though, because he was always talking about Heaven....about Christ's return....about the day when he would finally make it. I'm more selfish...I guess. I need my dad for so much. When I needed a reassuring word, a vote of confidence, or just a "Hey, sweetie" I would call my dad. When Jeremy needed help with anything around the house...or going to pick up something...I'd call my dad. My dad loved Jeremy. He loved being able to hang out with his "son." And as Jeremy put it at Daddy's service, "It's not often that your father-in-law is one of your best friends." Daddy was a friend to everyone he met. I spoke to a perfect stranger yesterday - a lady my dad found while working on genealogy (one of his passions) - and she spoke to me about how much daddy had touched her life in the very short time she had known him. When you met my dad, you were met with kindness, acceptance, grace, humor, and love.

I've been walking around the past few days wondering how the earth is still spinning without this man. How has life continued without him? It shouldn't be possible. I find myself wondering how in the world I'm able to get up and put one foot in front of the other, and I'm met with "because that's what he would want you to do." Daddy would tell us, "Girls, I'm okay. Don't you worry about me. Just take care of your mom." I know he's okay, but I'm not. I never would have imagined that I would lose my dad at 28. It still isn't real. We are still operating under the "daddy's coming home any day" mode (since he travelled a lot for work). But, days pass, and he still isn't here.

I spent the first couple of days after he passed feeling extreme anger. I had the compulsion to kick things, throw things, break anything I could. Since I've experienced grief....the full process...I guess I skipped a few parts of the process. I sat through the decisions and arrangements unable to speak....just not wanting to accept it. I wanted to run out and get as far away from all of it as I could, but I knew I had to be there. I'm the oldest. I'm the one who has to stand up and keep things moving. And I will because daddy would want me to.

Thank you all for your kind comments, encouraging words, and your prayers. Please keep them coming. We definitely need them.

desperately in need of your prayers

2011-10-22T10:38:00.001-07:00

Our family received devastating news yesterday. My dad passed away unexpectedly while at home. The EMS suspected a heart attack. Needless to say, we are all shocked, hurting, broken, and devasted. I saw my dad last weekend - spent practically the whole weekend with he and my mom. He helped Jeremy and Jeremy's dad put Collen's swingset together. He acted goofy as always...with his bubba teeth in. He helped me get Collen ready for bed and just ooohed and aaahhed over his "little man." I gave him an extra hug...as I always did...just in case. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a Daddy's girl. I've always been called "little Thurman" because I am so much like my dad - in looks and personality. My dad is the first man I gave my heart to, and he taught me that trusting my heart with somone wasn't something to take lightly. And that if I felt the same magnitude of love for another man as I did my dad....then I had found the right one. I never felt so close to that love until I met Jeremy. I knew my dad would approve. And he did. He loves Jeremy so much and is so, so proud of his "sons." He loves Megan's fiancee as well....thinks the world of the two men his daughters gave their hearts to. My dad was/is hopelessly devoted to my mom. He thought the sun rose and set with her. I've watched him many times look at her or talk about her with such adoration. They are best friends....such a great team. It doesn't make sense that he's gone. It is more real to me now than I think it would have been had we not endured such tragedy before now. After losing Ayden, the only thing holding me up was that I still had Jeremy....and I still had my dad. They are both rocks in my life. And now, I'm without my firmest, hardest rock. My voice of reason. My dad whose hugs and reassuring words make everything okay. I never imagined I'd lose my dad at 28....he was too young (58) and seemed so, so healthy. We (and he) had no idea.... My dad was/is a devoted Christian. We know he is in Heaven glorifying the Father. It's all he's ever talked about, especially since he lost his dad. He couldn't wait to get there. Then, after we lost Ayden, it was all he could ever talk about - it was the one thing he looked forward to. He said to me the other day, "I feel like it's going to be soon. Very soon, we'll be there with Jesus....and my dad....and Ayden." He was talking about the return of Christ, of course, but the fact that he said that....just hit me really hard. I have been hard on myself since I hadn't talked to my dad since Sunday, but as a friend of mine so graciouslly put it, "Lindsay, you didn't need to." Which is true....Daddy always knew what I was thinking. We could finish each other's sentences, and he knew what I was going to say before I said it (and vice versa). He was my best buddy, and I always wanted to be like him. I like to think I've gotten close over the last 28 years, but no one....NO ONE can top Thurman Tyson. There's not another like him on this earth. Please pray for our family, especially my mom. We are being strong for Daddy, but it's incredibly hard. Obviously, our hearts are broken and they will be for a long time. But we know that Daddy is where he wanted to be. For that, I rejoice for him, but I ache for our loss.

12/13 month pictures!

2011-10-16T17:51:00.001-07:00

Everyone needs a good belly laugh....

2011-10-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

....even 13 month-olds.

I wish I had captured it in video form, but I didn't. So, I will at least record it here.

Collen is definitely becoming more and more independent with each passing day. It's fun watching his personality develop....seeing the things that make him "Collen."

Up until now, he hasn't been a big laugher. Now, though, he giggles and laughs at pictures, children, us, animals, books, TV shows, and himself. It's so funny to watch him get tickled....to see his sense of humor.

Tonight, mine and Jeremy's parents were here helping put Collen's swingset together. We were leaving to grab some supper, and Jeremy's dad was walking out with Collen. He had a rag/hankerchief that he kept swishing in front of Collen's face. Collen thought it was hilarious! He kept giggling and giggling until he finally let out a squeal....bent over...and just let out a big belly laugh! It reminded me of grown ups who bend over and slap their knee because they're laughing so hard. To see such a little person do it....it was just priceless.

Hopefully, I'll catch it on video soon because really....who doesn't love a good baby belly laugh?!

2011-10-13T18:39:00.000-07:00

When Great Trees Fall
by Maya Angelou

*Thanks, Megan, for posting this on your blog. Hope you don't mind me swiping it and using it here!*

When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker downin tall grasses
,and even elephantslumber after safety.

When great trees fallin forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly, see with
a hurtful clarity.

Our memory,
suddenly sharpened,
examines, gnaws on kind words
unsaid,promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to them,
takes leave of us.
Our souls,dependent upon their nurture,
now shrink, wizened.

Our minds,
formed and informed by their radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold caves.

And when great souls die, after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always irregularly.
Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored,
never to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be better.
For they existed.

Goodnight Prayer

2011-10-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

I prayed with/for Ayden every night as he was falling asleep, and I would say the "traditional" nightly prayer:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Yeah, very ironic.....and just plain hard to read those words. This was the prayer my parents taught me, so I carried it on to our first child....not even knowing he would live that prayer. Although I meant them when I prayed them, those words haven't been on my lips since the last time I prayed them for Ayden.

When Collen was born, I knew I couldn't bring myself to say that prayer over him. I was too afraid - even though I know I shouldn't have been.....but how could I not be? So, I sought out a new bedtime prayer. For a long time, I just said a generic prayer. Then, we went to visit my former pastor - a man of God I respect so highly. He was the minister at mine and Jeremy's wedding, and he cried and rejoiced along with us on that special day. He is such a strong man - so sound in his faith. After our visit with him, he said a prayer over Collen:

May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May His face shine upon and bring you peace.
May He be with you when you are asleep and when you are awake.
And may the Lord watch over you all the days of your life.

I had him write it down for me, and since that day, it has been the prayer we have spoken over Collen every single night. I didn't realize that the first two lines were from Numbers 6:24 until I read it for myself. I love that....because these words were spoken by God. God's blessing is in each word.

So, if you're a parent who has a lost a child and you have gone on to have another - if you're struggling with prayer for that child - this is one that brings so much hope and peace.

Blessings to you all....

Ayden Brooks

2011-10-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Ayden,

I often write about meeting you in my dreams. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but in a way I am thankful for that....it makes the dream even more vivid and memorable. It is a treasure I can cling to....grace from our Father. I truly believe He gives me these glimpses as a way to help me bide my time....until we're together again.

Today, I was napping with your brother. I slipped into a deep sleep and began dreaming. I thought it was real....I hardly ever sleep so soundly! In my dream, I was watching a video of the two of you. You were both around the same age....about 10 months old. I was amazed to see my boys together...side by side. The two of you were doing what all brothers do - playing/wrestling together. Throughout the dream, I had the biggest smile on my face, but as usual...I kept wondering how it could be. How were the two of you together? And then, again as usual, I decided that didn't matter....I would cling to the moment as long as I could. It was beautiful to see the two of you together.

And then, of course I woke up, and I realized it wasn't real. I quickly closed my eyes again, praying to continue the dream. There you were again, but this time - it was you and me, sweet boy. :) I was holding you, marvelling at your beauty (you truly are/were a gorgeous baby....), and giggling about your pudgy rolls and porcelain skin (traits you surely got from me!). You were all smiles, as usual, and so was I. It was one of those moments within a dream that you pray you never awake from. But, of course, I did.

My heart has been heavy lately. I miss you....I always miss you....but I have moments when "missing you" feels like my heart being ripped out all over again. I have described grief as an ocean, with waves that sometimes come as small ripples and then at other times come as tidal waves, crashing relentlessly. I still experience those crashing waves from time-to-time. Not as much as I did in my earlier stages of grief, but I want mothers/parents out there to know that although the waves don't hit as often.....they still hit. The pain remains. And as the years pass, I expect the waves to continue to come. I've done a lot of, "I just want him here" and "Lord, please come quickly" lately. The prospect of Heaven is more urgent with each passing day....the opportunity to finally be with you....to finally be a whole family....it is always on my mind. I long for that day.

This time of year is hardest for me because I am taken back to the days, weeks, months after passed away. That was the lowest I have ever been. The closest I have ever felt to being completely without my senses....just numb and vacant. The holidays are hard. Music continues to be difficult for me. I still can't bring myself to hear the songs we played at your celebration service. It hurts too much.....still. It probably always will.

I want you, and others to know, that although your physical absence is felt....you are not absent from our lives and our hearts....and our love. You are remembered every second of every day. You are a very present part of our lives, and we live our lives differently because of you. Our steps are more cautious, more considerate, more purposeful, more deliberate. There is no question what our ultimate goal is: to be in Heaven with Jesus and you. There is no question of our hope, and we do our best to live that hope and let it shine through us each and every day.

We love you, Ayden. We know you know that. We know you are okay. We know you are safe...and waiting. And we are waiting (im)patiently to be with you again. 4 wonderful months with you.....and life here without you.....joy and heartache....all to experience eternity together. Lord, come quickly.

13 months and on-the-move!

2011-10-08T20:46:00.000-07:00

Somehow, 13 months came quickly....and it's close to being past us! Collen seems to continue to follow his trend of slower physical development vs. faster mental development. I attribute that to his very large head, which he most definitely got from his genius-Daddy. ;)

He has always reached verbal/mental milestones very quickly and physical/motor skills milestons a bit slower than average. I'm think he'll have my coordination (meaning: lack-of). He said his first word at 7 months, yet he didn't start walking until 13 months. I guess I always thought the two types of milestones happened at the same times, but I'm learning that is not always the case. I, personally, have loved that he was a late roller, sitter, crawler, and walker. It gave me more time with him as a "baby"....so cuddly and needing mommy. Once he started walking, he didn't look like a baby anymore! It was immediate!! It seemed like overnight, he became a little boy....*sigh*....so sad for mommy. However, I am LOVING this age! He is so funny and interactive, and now that he can interact, we can ask him to "bring us a book" and he will! Or, we can say, "Eat your chicken"...and he knows which thing on the plate is chicken! He is a pro at the few signs we have taught him - "more", "all done" and "please." We're still working on "thank you."

Last week, he was wearing 12 month clothes comfortably. This week, we're moving into 18 month clothes! So crazy how fast they grow! Collen is definitely getting into his "chunking up" stage again. He'll get chunky, then gain some height and slim down, then he'll get chunky again. I love the chunky stage. :) So cute!

We are finally making some headway in the sleeping department. Out of nowhere, the other night, he "asked" to be put in his crib. Before that, I would either rock him to sleep or stand over his crib....waiting for him to fall asleep as I rubbed his back, hair and face (which can take a long time....). Then, the other night, I was rocking him, and he reached over and patted the side of the crib and grunted as if to say he wanted to get in there. Ever since then, he has gone to sleep (still with one of us having to stand by the crib) and has slept ALL night. Typically, he would wake up 2-3 times, eventually to end up in our bed out of sheer exhaustion our part. Now, he seems to be sleeping until 5ish, and then he sleeps the remaining 2 hours of his sleep schedule in our bed. 13 months.....whew.

We are having so much fun with Collen! We love watching him learn and being a part of his learning experience! He is such a sweet child with a very friendly disposition. Praying it stays that way as we get closer and closer to age 2!

Here are a few 13 month highlights....

Walking to Daddy after the football game. When Ayden was born, this was one thing Jeremy couldn't wait to experience. He has waited 2 and a half years for this moment. We both had tears in our eyes as we witnessed a dream coming true.

He LOVES to be outside...exploring and learning!

Beep! Beep!

We'll definitely be saving this one....

Catching up

2011-10-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not doing such a great job of updating my blog these days. I have my reasons, which definitely include laziness, too little time, and pure exhaustion.

It's not that I'm lacking in quality information to write about....I just don't have a lot of time. But, tonight, on this beautiful Saturday night, I am MAKING time!

I struggle a lot with the purpose of my blog. I have a lot of readers (if you're still sticking with me!) who came to my blog after Ayden passed away: grieving mothers who could relate to the anguish and felt less alone by reading the words of another hurting mother; friends and family who just wanted to be connected to me without having to constantly ask me how I was doing; countless others who came across our story and followed our story as prayer warriors and quiet encouragers. Now, 2 years have passed since Ayden went to Heaven, Collen was born, another chapter has been added to our story, and although our hearts are less broken than they were.....we are still a family living with loss. We are affected by it every day. But our lives do not revolve around that loss as much as they once did.

So, I struggle....because I want to be sensitive to those who have also lost a child....looking for hope, strength, and encouragement. I don't want to flood my blog with images of us that make it appear that we have moved beyond the grief....updates on Collen and how happy we are that make it seem like we have everything we ever wanted.....images and information that I know (because I've been there) are difficult for grieving mothers/parents to read and see.

*Sigh*

I do my best to be sure I update my blog with both information about our life with Collen and how life with a child after loss is...difficulties and joys. And I also try to continue to update on our loss and how we continue to cope. As I've said, the loss of a child isn't something you move past. Not saying you move past any type of loss....but this type is just different. There's no closure to it....
It boggles my mind that people actually ask grieving parents why they can't get over it!! Or tell them they need to get over it. Really?!

Anyway....I will continue to do my best to update my blog....with Collen AND Ayden posts....because my heart beats for both of them. <3

Speaking of my boys....see the following (actually they will post above/before this one in blogger's order) posts about them both. :)

READY.....

2011-09-29T19:45:00.001-07:00

....to spend my entire weekend with this sweet little boy. :)

13 months old is officially my favorite age so far. LOVING every second!

Mommy fail...

2011-09-26T18:02:00.000-07:00

There are moments in parenthood that you try your best to avoid. As a mom, I am super cautious and overly paranoid...at times. I plan every moment of an outing in my head and do my best to make it go according to "plan." Haha...you're laughing...yes, it almost always doesn't go to plan.

And it never fails that when it seems like it is going too smoothly....a hiccup is about to present itself.

This brings me to this morning:

This story is retold in dramatic fashion as my speech and presentation were clear and calm, but my mind was frantic!!

We were up getting ready for work. Collen had slept in his crib all night long (waking up twice) and woke up in his crib at 7am. Wonderful start to a Monday morning!! It looked as if we were going to early/on time for once! Bags were packed, food was ready for daycare, baby was dressed, milk was ready to go. On our way out the door, I let Collen hold my keys since my hands were very full. I got everything in the car, got Collen into his seat; he still had the keys. I switched them out for his sippy cup and threw the keys into the front seat. Shut the door....walk over to the driver's side....and let out a long, "Nooooooooo!!!!" and then a few, "No! No! No! NOOOOOOO!!!" The keys...and Collen....were locked inside!!! On the outside, I appeared to be calm....on the inside, I was panicking and becoming irrational! I ran (and I don't run...) to my neighbor's house....who I've never met. I bang on their door....determined that they ARE going to answer....if it means I have to bang on every window, door, surface of the house!! They come to the door to find me standing there, blurting out, "Hi...I'm your neighbor...I've locked my keys in the car, and my son is in the car!! My phone is in there, too!! I need to call someone!!" They were very gracious and quick to respond...finding a number to a locksmith, which didn't work because they were closed. So, I called 911 and explained the situation....and quickly grew frustrated because I didn't understand why the year and model of my car mattered.....and why the age of my child mattered....and why I was left being told, "Someone will get there as soon as they can." WHAT?! I leave them with my neighbors' number and go back to my car to wait. At this point, Collen has realized that something isn't right. At first, he laughed me playing peek-a-boo with him, but then he became very upset that Mommy was outside and he was inside....and not understanding why mommy wasn't taking him out of the car. So, he soon became a crying mess...and I was trying my best not to join him and just remain calm for his sake. 15 minutes later, a sheriff arrived and got the doors unlocked. Collen was pretty much traumatized....poor thing. He sniffed all the way to daycare because of the hard crying he had been doing. :( And then he wasn't too happy when I dropped him off. Poor thing....such a rough morning for a Monday.

Lesson learned: Get a spare key for the car.

Ugh.

Women of Faith

2011-09-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

I am currently attending the Women of Faith conference in NC!!

We got here late, but we were able to go to the night session. Wow....amazing!! The theme of the weekend is that none of us are perfect, and God doesn't expect us to be perfect. So, why do we push ourselves to be perfect and then grow so disappointed with ourselves and our "poor performance?" As long as we are living for our Lord, spending time with Him, making Him a part of our every day lives.....then we're okay. He never said we had to be perfect. He just wants us to love him and live for HIM. I think that's a small request considering the sacrifice He made for us.

A lot of wonderful women are here presenting. We heard comedian Ken Davis tonight - HILARIOUS! Then, we heard Natalie Grant sing - she sang the song Held - I cried like a baby. Held is a song that so many recommended for us when Ayden passed away. 2 years later, it is still very difficult for me to listen to music. The loss is still so raw and fresh....I guess it always will be to a degree. I'll never stop missing him, thinking about him, loving him.....so music is likely to always affect me. I knew she would probably sing this song....and always, when she gets to the part about "when the sacred is torn from you life" - yeah....that's how it felt to lose my baby. All that was sacred and right with the world was gone in an instant. Yet, God continued to hold me through it all....as He held Ayden in His arms.

I'm looking forward to the morning session and just spending time with women of faith....soaking in the goodness of our Lord. It has been refreshing.....I needed this.

Smell Memories

2011-09-18T14:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever caught a whiff of something and it took you back....way back....and you could pinpoint the exact moment you first smelled that smell???

This weekend, I traveled with my parents to celebrate the life of my cousin's husband. The service was this afternoon. It was a beautiful memorial to Chris, his life, the person he was. It absolutely broke my heart to see my cousin and her two children being addressed....a young widow and two children who no longer have their daddy. I found myself in the position that I'm so many were in when Ayden passed away - I had no idea what to say. So, I said nothing. I had not been to a "funeral service" since Ayden's, and it took me back to feelings and memories I haven't visited in a while. I remember people speaking to me....so many words....so many condolencs....but the ones who just looked at me, with tears in their eyes and pain their hearts....and said nothiing....those were the ones who touched me the most. And I realize now why they didn't have any words. Nothing I can say can fix this. Nothing I can say can bring Michelle's husband back....or those kids' daddy back. Please pray for this family. They have a long road ahead of them.

I haven't forgotten the odd title of my post...

This weekend, as I said, we've been traveling, so we have been out of our normal surroundings. You know how people come to your house and say, "Oh, I love the way your house smells?".....but you can't smell your own house? Well, you can't until you're away from it, and you smell it on your clothes, in your luggage, on your linens. It is then that you can put a scent with yourself. I know this seems weird and random....stick with me.

....it has been 2 and a half years (almost) since Ayden was born. It has been almost 2 years and one month since I last smelled him. You know...that sweet, wonderful baby smell that is so unique to your baby? This weekend, I caught a whiff of Ayden. It was ever so subtle and a mixture of scents that were surrounding me....my clothing mixed with Collen's, the smell of a sterile bathroom (reminded me of the hospital), the leather of the seats in the rental car, and various other scents. All put together, I was taken back to the day we took Ayden home from the hospital. His scent, even now, is so distinct, and I was overjoyed that after 2 and half years, I knew...as soon as I smelled it...that I was reminded of my child. The connection is still there....

Picture of the week....

2011-09-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

Some days, it is incredibly hard to believe that this is my reality.

I pray that they share a bond like no set of brothers has ever shared before.

Update

2011-09-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how coherent my last blog really was. I woke up this morning vaguely remembering that I actually did write a blog post last night....and I remembered typing that I yelled at my students. ahaha....mainly because I was thinking, "Oh, they're going to think I'm such a jerk!" because I didn't explain why!! I had taken Nyquil before bed last night, and I think I was slipping into my Nyquil-induced coma as I was typing.

I have three wonderful groups of kids. Really, all of them are wonderful in their own ways. However, when you put some of their personalities together, it's a whirlwind of attitudes, conflicts, and NOISE. I have one group that doesn't stop talking from the moment they walk in to school to the moment they walk out. I don't know how they don't exhaust themselves. And their talking gets them in trouble....with me, with themselves, and with each other. My one really rowdy group is made up of kids who just haven't been disciplined. They've been allowed to do whatever they want...whenever they want....and getting loud and yelling is how they know to get their way. Yeah...that doesn't work for me. They learned this week that I won't tolerate any of it. I expect more, and they hate it. One day, though, they will learn why I demand so much of them. Looking at these kids, I see high school students I have taught who have come to me at the end of their senior year saying, "Thank you for being tough on me and for pushing me. It made all the difference, and I wouldn't be here if you hadn't." Right now, though, they just see a mean teacher who doesn't let them get away with much. And that's okay with me. :)

Sad news - my cousin's husband did pass away last night. I don't know details other than that he was in liver failure, and they had tried everything they could. His kidneys began to fail 2 days ago, and last night, he went "home." I honestly can't begin to imagine the pain my cousin is feeling. She married her best friend - literally. Whenever she had guy problems, she went to Chris....and he had loved her for such a long time, but he knew he couldn't tell her until the time was right. Finally, the time came....and she was so happy. They have two beautiful children who are 7 and 5. I can't bear the images of pain and heartache on those little faces. I can't bear the thought of the pain my cousin is feeling. I know I have felt tragedy and heartache....I know what it is like to lose someone you love with every ounce of your being. But I don't know the pain of losing a husband, and I know that losing Jeremy would crush me...absolutely devastate me. When I look at my life - I see him. When I look at my future - I see my Jerms. No one else. He is my soulmate, helpmate, and the man I have devoted my life to, and I really can't imagine life without him. (A friend of mine asked me recently - how do you really know when you're in love with someone? And I told her, "When you can't imagine life without that person. When the thought of losing that person...not having them in your life...brings you unbearable pain....I think that's when you know.) My cousin is 41 (I'm pretty sure) and much too young to be a widow. And her children are much too young to lose a father. My heart breaks for them. Please, please say a prayer for them....that they will be able to find comfort and remember all of the good times together....and that they will grieve with hope.

A quick bit of Jones family news: Collen is walking!! WOO!! He's a week away from being 13 months old, and he is getting closer and closer to being a full time walker every day!

He still prefers crawling as his main method of getting around, but he'll let go and take a few steps here and there. He's definitely becoming more secure with the idea!! He's so proud of himself!

And, I never updated on Gracie. SHE'S HOME and SAFE AND SOUND!! She had walked close to 8 miles or so. She walked up to someone's house - and they happened to be dog rescuers who volunteered with the animal shelter. We had put out flyers and someone from a neighborhood called and said we should check out a flyer at the gas station closest to our house - that a flyer with a lost dog's picture had been posted - and that the lost dog looked a lot like Gracie. I raced down there, and sure enough, it was Gracie!!! I went to get her right away, and now she's back and secured into the backyard. No more escaping....unless she digs out. It's such a relief to know she's okay and to have her home. We all missed her so, so much.

I'm so glad this whirwind week is over. I'm praying for a better week next week. If not....I'm looking for a new job! This stress is wearing me out - I have a fever blister and a cold - and it always happens at the beginning of the school year. Lack of sleep, stress, and a lot of burnt energy does it to me every time.

Y'all have a good weekend.

What a week...

2011-09-15T18:40:00.001-07:00

Sorry blog world. I have been terrible about updating my blog lately. And I have been in desperate need of some writing therapy, but time...these days...isn't something I don't have a lot of.

Let's break it down:

New job = new content to learn and plan for, new resources, having to plan all new lesson plans and read up on material I have never read so I can determine what I will teach and in what order, stress because I've never taught this grade and I don't really understand middle schoolers and what they need as far as learning goes (I'm picking it up as I go...and I hate that!), trying out said lessons...hoping my kids are receptive and actually learning something they didn't already, balancing duties with teaching and deadline after deadline quickly approaching (and I'm way, way behind!!), and trying to wrangle a very, very loud, rowdy, disrespectful bunch of students (only one class). A lot of time, energy, and tears have been put into this past week, and I feel so beaten down.

I have caught my first cold of the school year. To be expected, I guess. Collen caught it, too, so we are sharing a cold...fun times. The only thing that works for me when I have a cold is Nyquil, but that means Jeremy has to get up with Collen when he gets up in the middle of the night (yes...he's one...and he still gets up...several times). I, apparently, slept through a very long night last night with Collen. Poor thing(s)....

On the other side of things - please pray for my cousin, her husband and their family. Her husband's liver is failing, and it is looking like he could pass away at any time. Words can't begin to express the heartache I feel for them all. I hurt for my cousin for losing her husband, and I just ache and hurt for their children - 7 and 5 - who will lose their father much, much too young. It's just not fair. I don't understand it.... Please pray for them to find comfort and peace in such a difficult time. Chris has been my buddy since he and my cousin got married. He always shared my love of old movies, and we would often talk about musicals and good, good music. He always encouraged me and made me laugh....I always loved being around him. He completes my cousin like no one else can, and I can't imagine the pain she is feeling...knowing that her time with him is so limited. Please, please pray.....I know they will feel them.

I hope you are all doing well and have had a good week. I'm trying to keep a positive perspective. Although, this week, a very negative point of view has crept in. I have yelled at my students...I have lowered my expectations....and I have been very impatient. Love is not any of these things (although, I realize there has to be structure and discipline in a classroom), and I'm hoping that I can get to a point with one class where they can actually see that I do care about them....and that they can understand why I'm so hard on them. For now, we're going to have to push through with frustration and tough love....ugh...such a hard job. But very rewarding in the end...

My sister is engaged!!

2011-09-10T18:28:00.001-07:00

Congratulations Megan and DJ!! We are so happy for you. Collen already considers DJ his uncle, but now we can make it official. :) Thank you, DJ, for making my sister so happy!! We love you guys!

12 Months Old

2011-09-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

I apologize that this post is long overdue. I have felt so terrible about not getting this one done on time. I mean...come on...it's his ONE YEAR post, and I'm lagging behind on it! Bad, bad mommy. In my defense....Collen's birthday was on a Monday. On Tuesday, he was sick with a high fever. (He's definitely my child. You can almost always count on me being sick around my birthday and major holidays) I picked him up early from his babysitter's house because he had his 12 month appointment that day. She told me he had not been acting like himself....was very lethargic....and seemed very, very warm. She hadn't been able to check his temperature, but we were both certain that he was running a fever. I got him home, took his temperature - 102. When he runs a fever, HE RUNS A FEVER. There is no "low grade" with him....it's always high. They gave him his shots anyway (I don't, for the life of me, understand why they did that). On top of the fever and shots, he had 5 teeth coming in. Whew.... So, we(I) spent that week cuddling, snuggling, sleeping with, and medicating a sick, sick boy. At one point, his fever got up to 104. I took him to the doctor, and as usual....a virus. Not a thing to do except Tylenol and let it work its way out. So frustrating....and leaves me feeling helpless. :( Needless to say, I couldn't get a good picture of him that week. THEN...school started....and Hurricane Irene hit. We stayed with my parents for 2 days during the Hurricane because of Collen being so sick. We knew our town was expected to get hit worse, so we wanted to be sure we could get to an ER if we needed to. THEN....school was out, we were all a little lazy and enjoying time together....school started back...craziness again...getting back into the routine...and now, we are finally getting a rhythm going.

All of that to present to you, his 12 month picture:

12 Month Stats:

Weight: 23lbs 7oz (50%)

Length: 30 1/2 inches (75%)

Head: 49cm (95%)

Things Collen is doing:

Words he is saying: "Hot", "Juice" ("jzooce") - He tries to mimick other words. He had tried to repeat "Gracie", "hurts", and "ouch." He used to say "no, no" all the time, but for some reason he has stopped saying it?? And he doesn't say "see" anymore. Not sure why he let those two go...."no, no" was so stinkin' cute!

Teeth: 8 teeth! Up until 2 months ago, he had 3 teeth. In 2 months, 5 new teeth!! Luckily, he doesn't complain about teeth much at all. They don't seem to bother him (thank God!).

Sleep: He still wakes up during the night, but we are making progress. Last night, he only woke up once (opposed to the usual...5 times a night....then him ending up in our bed) and stayed in his crib until he woke up for the day!! We had been having major issues with separation anxiety, but now that he is getting into a routine and loving his babsitter, we have seen an improvement. :)

Walking? Not yet....but we're getting close. He takes a few more steps every day and is gaining more and more confidence and balance.

Clothes - He can still wear most 12 month clothes. Around the waist, 12 month fits with a little room to grow. However, getting it over his hips is the hard part. In shirts, 12 month is too small, so we stick to one piece outfits right now while he's in between. 18 month clothes are becoming more and more comfortable.

Favorites: Elmo, any toy he can push around the room, any toy that can function as a "car" and can be pushed around while making car sounds, chicken nuggets, green beans, any kind of fruit - especially strawberries and blueberries, pancakes, sweet potato, milk, any dog or cat, kids...loves to watch them, "reading" books. He doesn't have much interest in TV, but he loves books!! He likes for us to read them over and over while he turns the pages.

I am loving this age!! The transition from 11 months to 12 months was tough for him and us - I think it was more because of routine changes than anything. But now that we are all into a new routine, I am seeing so much about this age that I LOVE!! He is so interactive and playful. He and I like to chase each other around the house. I'll chase him one direction (as he crawls as fast as he possibly can!!!), and then he'll chase me back. He's becoming more interested in actually playing with his toys....as they were designed to be played with. It's amazing watching him learn something new every day!!

Being the parents of a SIDS baby, reaching the one year mark was incredibly momentous. I think we all felt a little relief knowing that he is 99% unlikely to be affected by SIDS. But, we are still guarded. I think we always will be. We know it's impossible to protect him from everything and anything, but we sure are going to try to protect him from as much as we can....

I am so thankful for this time we've been given with Collen. Being a parent is so rewarding. It's hard work....but to see that little face and know that he loves me more than anything...even Elmo...just melts my heart. We love him so, so much and couldn't be more blessed to have him in our lives.

First Steps!

2011-09-04T19:32:00.000-07:00

He still prefers crawling as his main mode of transportation, but we're getting closer! You'll have to turn your head to watch it....haha...can't rotate it.

where has 2 weeks gone?

2011-09-02T18:34:00.000-07:00

Where have I been? Here are some phrases that sum up my last 2 weeks:

Started back to work
Having to relive my first year of teaching.....feeling like I am barely keeping my head above water
Hurricane Irene - fortunately we had very little damage
Charger for computer crashed....waiting for new one to arrive
Collen transitioning to daycare
Collen running 103+ degree temp for a week
Collen cutting 5 - YES FIVE- teeth
12 month shots while teething and running a fever

To sum up the past 2 weeks in one word: exhausting.

And now our dog - Gracie- is missing and I am heart broken :( I am praying she will come back.

Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.....and for always remembering Ayden.

Once my computer is working again, I promise a one year old pic of Collen!

August 25, 2011

2011-08-25T18:28:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Ayden,

Facing today may not have seemed difficult for me on the outside looking in, but I fought back tears all day. I couldn't fight the tears, though, when I told my first group of students about you. I had looked at my watch and realized that it was only minutes from being 2 years, officially. They were touched by your story, and I was relieved to share you with them....it was a way for me to be with you today. I talked about you throughout the day, and I remembered our wonderful times together. Of course, it's difficult to face today without thinking about what happened, but I was able to focus more on our future....together. Each day that passes is a day closer to you....what comfort I find in that!!

It was so hard to go back to work today. I was missing my boys. I wanted you in my arms, and I wanted your little brother in them as well. I wish so much that I could see the two of you together. I feel robbed of so many things. I feel heartache and joy at one time, and I find myself balancing grief and happiness a lot these days. To say I miss you doesn't even touch the longing I feel for you each day. I still watch families and wonder.....what could have been? I still ache when I see a little boy the age you should be. I watch them play and giggle and being such boys....and I just miss you. I miss the future we could have had together here, but I find hope through imaging the future we will have for eternity. I constantly ask Jesus to return quickly....tomorrow would be great.

I love you more than ever. The love and adoration I have for you continues to grow with each passing day. I am so, so proud of you....my first born. I will forever acknowledge you. You made me who I am. You showed me the absolute bliss that motherhood is and the completion that exists between mother and child. I know that while you were here (and even now) I loved you recklessly....with every ounce of my being. Losing you didn't change that. I love you and you brother in that same way.....no holding back, loving you both fully and deeply. It is the most amazing thing I will ever experience.

This day will never be easy. So many people were thinking of and remembering you today. Prayers were lifted for our family. You might have heard some talk of it up there...maybe? You are so loved...it's awesome. God has touched so many lives through you, and we are so, so proud of you for that. We are probably the proudest parents a kid could ask for!

Wait for us....we will see you soon. We'll be the ones racing to get to you!

Love always,
Mommy

2 years...

2011-08-24T18:57:00.000-07:00

2 years ago, tonight, I kissed him goodnight for the last time.

2 years ago, tomorrow, we had to say goodbye.

Missing my Ayden so, so much.

Tomorrow is another August 25th. Another first day with students while I'm away from my child. Another reminder of the tragedy we lived through and continue to live each day. A reminder of the big brother who should be here.

Hard to believe it's been 2 years. It feels like I've lived an eternity without him already.

He's ONE!! Happy Birthday Collen!!

2011-08-22T19:18:00.001-07:00

Today, Collen is a year old!!! It was surreal to wake up and see my little baby boy...and realize he's been with us for an entire year! In any other instance, a year wouldn't seem like such a long time, but it has flown by so quickly! We've learned so much about Collen over the past year. He has taught us selflessness, how to play again, the importance of laughter, and the genuine love that only a child can share with his parents....and vice versa. He is such a delight, and we consider him to be a blessing and a miracle! God brought Collen into our lives at the perfect time - a time when we needed him the most, and he has brought light, laughter, and joy back into our hearts and our lives.

I'll update tomorrow with his 12 month "Collen-isms." Until then, enjoy some pictures from his birthday party (we went with a sock monkey theme!!) and his birthday!! He had a wonderful party and did brilliantly the entire time! He loved his cake (which was by far the healthiest birthday cake I've ever seen! Score for mommy!!), and he seemed to truly enjoy the friends and family who were they to celebrate such a special occasion!

The party was held at our church in the youth meeting area - "The Loft." It was the perfect place for a birthday party!

Eating lunch

And now...the cake!

"Mmmmmm!!! Mom and dad have been holding out on me!"

Opening gifts. He was more interested in playing with the other kids who were playing with his gifts. ;)

Happy Birthday!!

Shortly after being woken up by mommy...snapping pictures and exclaiming, "Happy Birthday!!!"

Mommy's boy...

Day One: We survived.

2011-08-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

Today was the dreaded day - the day Collen and I would be separated for an entire work day.

Leading up to today, I did all that I could to ignore the fact that it was around the corner. Last week, I had some half days where I had to attend orientation, so we used that as an opportunity to get Collen used to his babysitter. Overall, he did well, but there was definitely some crying when he got dropped off and some resistance on his part. Going into today, I had a terrible feeling that it was going to just blow up....and I would have to walk away and hope that he did okay after I left. Thankfully, his babysitter is super, super patient with him and understands that this is a big transition after staying home with mommy for a year. Plus...he is hitting the height of separation anxiety - one day he'll be okay, the next....I can't be further than 2 feet from him without him losing it. I realize it's part of the age (and I'm so, so, so thankful to reach this age with him. I'll take the clinginess and getting up several times a night any day....at least I have my baby.) so I'm trying to be very patient with him and get him through this phase.

Last night, I was a nervous wreck. I was making spaghetti for some friends of ours, and I was standing there crying as I was stirring the sauce (haha....it was a sight). Luckily, I was alone for this, so no one had to witness my near breakdown. I told Jeremy that more than anything, it's fear. I'm reliving 2 years ago....to the day. We started back on the 17th. Ayden was put in day care. We had to face the transition. We had gotten adjusted and feeling good about it all......and then, the 25th. He was gone. It is more than traumatic, and I have no idea how I'm not on medication right now to calm my nerves. I'm so terrified of losing Collen. It is my ultimate fear, and I know that my heart couldn't take it again. However, my rational side keeps saying, "There's no point in living in fear. God's plan is in place, and you...His child...has to accept that He is in control." (that's hard to swallow sometimes...)

So, this morning, we tried to do everything as normal as possible. Luckily, I didn't HAVE to be at work until 8:30 (when school starts back officially, it's a bit earlier), so we took our time getting up. Jeremy and I both got up and got ready before Collen woke up. By 7:15, he was still asleep, so I had to wake him up to get him ready, give him his milk, and let him wake up a little bit. I got him to the babysitter's house by 8, and since I had some time, I stuck around for a few minutes to make sure he was comfortable. Well, we walked in....and I could tell that he immediately felt at ease. He was looking for the dog and pointing out things he remembered from last week. As soon as he hit the floor, he was crawling around, playing, looking for the dog. I was shocked. I waited until the right moment to leave - he was at the back door pointing outside for the dog, so I said "bye bye", he waved, and I know he saw me walk out - and he didn't shed one tear.

But, I did. :( I was so relieved and so thankful that he jumped right in and did so well. But my heart just hurts. I miss Ayden so much, especially on days like today when I'm remembering dropping him off and not knowing that I had so little time left. Remembering his face as I said goodbye for the last time (I can still see it so, so clearly). I keep telling God, "I can't do it again. I just can't. I won't survive it." So, I took a lot of deep breaths, and just kept moving.

Once I got to school, it was nonstop for the rest of the day. Middle school is going to be a HUGE transition for me. I'm used to the freedom of high school, and now I'm going into lining up my students, designating locker visits, taking them to lunch, etc. Wow!! Such a different world! I already love my TEAM and the grade level colleagues for the 8th grade, though, so I have a very positive outlook for this year. It's going to be a lot of work, but I'm excited about something new. I do, however, miss my AG family terribly. I miss my friends, and I miss my kids. My heart is always with my AG family.

So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your prayers. All day, I've just kept repeating, "PRAYER WORKS!!" God showed us so much grace today and brought me so much peace. What a mighty God we serve!! He bring comfort, healing, and peace in the moment when we need them the most. I pray for an even better day tomorrow.

Sometimes it just doesn't seem real...

2011-08-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

As time continues to push us forward, our memories with Ayden remain in the past. That has been one of the cruelest parts of this loss....the fog that time brings...the memories becoming more like a dream than a reality. I find myself looking at pictures of Ayden and thinking, "He was really here. We really experienced that. We lived through tragedy. He's mine....and I held him, kissed him, love him so much." I know it's true; I have the vivid, clear memories...as if it was yesterday....but some days, he just seems so far away. And I hate that.

Nearly 2 years later, I still want my baby back. Although I've grown to accept this life as a life that I must live without my child, it doesn't mean I don't think about him, ache for him, weep for him...oh no...I think I cry harder now than the first year without him. I long to know the child who was taken from me too soon....to hear his voice just one more time...to see those bright, blue eyes..and that smile that he smiled just for me.

One day, I'll hold him in my lap forever....and I hope we can have conversations like this one again: (some people have trouble seeing this one for some reason. If you can't...I'm so sorry...)

August

2011-08-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

It's here.....the hardest month of the year. But, now, also one of the happiest months of the year. I spend the month of August going from dread to joy, sadness to elation, devastation to excitement.

It's enough to throw your emotional and mental state completely out of wack.

Here's what this August holds for me:

1. The 2nd anniversary of Ayden's passing away

2. Facing August 25th - another 1st day of school, another day like "that" day...leaving my baby while I go to work...reliving every second of "that" day....praying I never have to repeat it. (I will be SO glad when school doesn't start on August 25th...)

3. Leaving Collen after staying home with him for a year.

4. A new job, material I've never taught before, and age group I've never taught before, a school I'm not familiar with, and new coworkers/people to get to know. Lack of comfort and familiarity...no assurance of support (yet).

5. Planning Collen's first birthday party...amidst starting a new job and trying to get organized for that.

6. Football season - a lot of time without Jeremy. And when things are changing and the routine is disrupted....all I need is stability, and it's tough without Jeremy here to hold me up and calm me down when I'm stressed.

********************************

So....August is a tough month. It's hard because I feel like I face this month as two people - part of me dreads it, the other me is so happy to see it because it marks a year with my sweet Collen!

I always said that God made this the month of Collen's birth for a reason. When I became pregnant, and I realized he would be born in August, I knew it was part of His plan. A way for me to embrace this month for the sorrow and joy it brings me all at one time. And now, facing another August 25th....another first day of school....I keep shaking my head and saying, "Ok, God. I know you wouldn't make me face this if You didn't have a purpose." I truly believe He's trying to give me a positive August 25th this year....to show me that this day will end differently. (Deep breath....at least I hope so.)

I find myself feeling very on edge lately. I know it's because of everything all happening at one time, and I know I'm not in control. I can't stop time. I can't keep August 25th from coming around on the calendar. I can feel the panic creeping in, but I push it away....it isn't going to help anything. But then I wonder....wow...I bet medication would be niiiice right now. I've actually been taking over the counter sleeping pills just help me fall asleep. If I don't....I lie there with my mind reeling....making list after list.....answer questions and talking myself out of the stress. 2 hours later, I might fall asleep. (I've always been this way....my dad would have to come comfort me in the middle of the night because I'd lay there and cry....and I didn't know why....I was just worried and anxious. I've learned how to channel it now and calm down.)

Needless to say, August is a big month for us. I'm so thrilled to celebrate Collen's FIRST birthday this month.....and remember 4 beautiful months with our sweet Ayden. But, it is certainly bittersweet to face the 25th and mark the day we had to say goodbye.

Pray for us this month. This year, especially, this is a month of huge transitions and new routines....and once we're able to get into a new routine, we'll be breathing easier.

Update of an update...

2011-07-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for continuing to send in your suggestions and recommendations! I have some great ideas to go on as far as novel studies. Whew....such a relief to know that I was on the right track.

Definitely going to do The Giver; it's a part of our 8th grade supplementary collection, so I take that to mean it's for the 8th graders to study.

I'm thinking I'm going to do The Lord of the Flies, and most definitely Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry.

If my grant will go through (you can help here: SPEAK - If 15 of you gave $10 each, my students could get a class set of this book!), I will be teaching Speak at the end of the school year.

I'm most definitely teaching The Hunger Games - got a class sest through Donors Choose (the same organization I went through for my Speak "grant.") I'd love to get more of this novel....at least 2 more class sets, so my kids can actually take them home and read them. One day..... Just thrilled to have gotten the class set I asked for!! Can't wait to teach this one!!

I know I'll be teaching The Diary of Anne Frank for sure. I love teaching about the Holocaust...can't wait to dive into that with them.

I think it's going to be a good year. :) I hope I can make them as excited about all of this as I am about teaching it!

Oh....and if any of you have resources....send away!! I'd love to take a look at what you have! :)

Thank You!!

2011-07-23T19:38:00.001-07:00

Thank you to those of you who responded to my last post! You have been so helpful!! If anyone else has opinions/advice, I'd gladly welcome it all!

I agree that Hatchet seems too young....I picked up at Barnes and Noble after seeing it on the Summer Reading table. I tried to find middle school summer reading lists, but couldn't find any. I'm assuming some of these books were just taken from the Accelerated Reader/Battle of the Books lists for the county. Anyway, it looked like a "boy" book, so I thought I'd check it out. Maybe I'll just hold onto it for when Collen can enjoy it.

I was kind of happy to hear that The House of Dies Drear might not be the best choice. I'll save it for a desperate moment. I started reading and thought, "Who in the world wrote this?!" It was so hard to follow. Whew....probably taking that one off the list.

And for the reader who said her kids read Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry, you have no idea how incredibly happy you made me!!! I LOOOOOVE that book. Quick tidbit about me: This is one of my all time favorite books. I read it for the first time in the 5th grade. I fell in love with the characters, and I went on to read it at least once every year afterwards...through high school. I will definitely be adding this one to my list!

I'm also considering The Lord of the Flies. Have to check into that one a little more closely. If anyone else has any suggestions....I'm all ears!

Calling all middle school teachers!!

2011-07-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

I'm working on putting together some novel units for my 8th graders. Since I have never taught 8th graders....and really don't have a clue as to their interests....I need some help!!

I know some of you out there are teachers....and you may happen to be middle school teachers!! I need some tips on some good novels/reading material for 8th graders. The text book I'm working with is....well...horrible. So, I'm trying to pull what I can from that, but it's torture for even me to flip through.

So far, I know I am going to teach The Hunger Games. Here are also some other possibilities for novel studies:

Speak
The Giver
Hatchet
The Secret Life of Bees
The Diary of Anne Frank
The Pearl
The Pigman
Hoot
Anthem
Many Waters
The House of Dies Drear
The Fire Next Time
Milkweed

I'm having a hard time determining whether or not these books are too young...too advanced...which I realize I can't really know until I meet my students and get an idea for myself. But...not being around 8th graders and just not knowing what will and will not work for them....it's making me nervous and leaving me feeling very unprepared.

So, if any of you out there have taught 8th grade....especially 8th grade Language Arts....I'd LOVE any advice/tips/resources you want to give me.

One thing I am learning is that I'm going to break my teaching down a lot more than I did while teaching high school. I have a whole year with this kids instead of working with semesters, so I'm going to have to work on breaking it all down....stretching it out....and I'm actually looking forward to this! I can actually spend time on poetry or drama....take my time explaining things instead of rushing on to the next unit.

I'm trying not to feel to overwhelmed. I just want to get as much done as I can now...so I don't have to come home with so much once school starts.....in a matter of weeks. (ugh)

Please pray for Tripp

2011-07-20T18:11:00.000-07:00

I've been following Tripp's story for the past 2 years. I learned about Tripp through Jonah's mommy - Patrice. You can find her blog, here: http://patriceandmattwilliams.blogspot.com/

Jonah and Tripp have a rare skin disease known as EB. EB can take several forms....some not too severe and others, extremely severe. It can cause breathing problems, eating problems, and pain that no child should ever feel.

Please, please say a prayer for Tripp and his mom, Courtney. EB parents live with the reality that they will likely outlive their child (unless their child has a less severe form of EB). I know we have experienced the unimaginable...the death of a child. And while that is the hardest, most painful thing I think anyone can go through, I think watching you child in pain, suffering, and not being able to doa whole lot to help is just as hard....I can't imagine it....and I find myself in tears reading the blogs of these moms....just hurting for them and their babies....wishing I could take it from them.

Here is a link to Courney's blog - http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/2011/07/i-think-hes-known-it-all-along.html?spref=fb

Please keep all the EB kids in your prayers.

It's really over....

2011-07-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

My sister and I are 17 months apart in age. Growing up, you would have thought this would be so cool....sisters and best friends. Mmmm....not quite the scenario for us. Megan and I were very different growing up. We butted heads...a lot...and didn't have much in common. She was a cheerleader; I was a band nerd. She's tall, thin, blonde, gorgeous. I'm shorter, stocky, brunette, she says I'm pretty... The friendship part of being sisters wasn't so easy for us when we were younger. And if you had told me then that my sister would be my best friend when I was 28, we both would have laughed in your face.

NOW - she is my confidant...my best friend...my rock (I rely on her TOO much in tough times....but when I'm at my lowest, there are only 2 people I want - Jeremy and Megan)....I love her more than she will ever, ever know. We are still very different in a lot of ways, but I love our differences, and I love that she is true to herself and the things that make her unique. Like her sense of humor that can get her in trouble sometimes.....I have to step in and reign her in before she says the wrong thing! haha Then again, she serves as my translator at times when I'm not bold enough to speak up for myself, she'll step in and speak for me. (Love her for that!)

Anyway, before I get too mushy gushy....this post isn't about me and my sister and our wonderful relationship (I'll save that for another time). This is about one of the things we share a common LOVE for - Harry Potter. For the past few years, whenever the newest Harry Potter book or movie came out, we geared up....we were pumped...and we shared those moments together. We read the books together...compared ideas, revelations, and the moments that made us say, "What?!" When watched the movies and compared notes as we watched...whispering, "That didn't happen in the book!" or "I love how they did that!" or shared GASPS of anticipation at the moments we knew were coming.

Sunday, when we got back from the beach, I left Jeremy to do bed time, and I met up with my sister and her boyfriend for the final Harry Potter movie. We had been looking forward to this moment all year long. Seriously....we counted down the months and then days.... Normally, we'd be there on opening night or the night before for the midnight showing, but it just didn't work out this year.

The movie was beyond awesome!!! It had been a while since I read the book, but my sister just finished reading it again. I asked her several times during the movie, "Did that happen in the book?" So she would explain differences and we would quickly discuss the moments that were just amazing! (We're not those people who talk through the whole movie....just so you know :) We just like to be on the same wavelength)

In short....the movie was fantastic!! It brought the series to an end so perfectfly, and what I remember of the book....the parts that stood out as key....were all there. Jeremy picks on me because I have this "crush" of sorts on Snape....not really snape, but Alan Rickman. Believe me....it's not a physical attraction, "I think he's hot" kind of thing....haha....I just think he is a magnificent actor. I would say it's more of an admiration than a "crush." I have loved Snape's character from the beginning because I knew there was good in him.....I had a feeling he would play a large role up to the end, and I was not disappointed! I won't give anything away because I know some of you haven't seen it yet, but I'll say....Snape is even more my hero now! :)

It's so hard to believe I won't be going to see a new Harry Potter movie in the future. It's one of those series that has been so exciting to be a part of. No matter you age....you're never too old to enjoy Harry Potter. I've always been drawn to the science fiction/fantasy genres, and I love anything that piques my imagination and brings the story to life. I fell in love with this series because it was just magical (even aside from the literal magic of the story)! Unfortunately, I have not read ALL the books; I've read all but 2 of them. One day....I'll catch up on those.

I wonder if anything will ever top Harry Potter? I seriously doubt it. I have loved watching the story progress, the characters change and grow, and ultimately seeing how it all came together in the end. If you've never read the books -- uumm...what are you waiting for? And if you haven't seen the movies....at least see those!!

I am typically drawn to young adult fiction - I think because that the age group I teach. I try to get into fiction that is more "my age" but I've always been young at heart....and I'm a sucker for adventure, action, and the battle between good and evil...all common themes in young adult fiction. If you would like some suggestions of good books to read...I've read the following and really liked them:

The Percy Jackson series
(a bit young for me, but I liked the link to Greek Mythology, so I kept reading, and it's a really good series)

The Hunger Games Trilogy
(Seriously, if you haven't read it, GO GET IT NOW!!! It is awesome!! I'm teaching it this year, and I can't wait! So rich in themes, symbolism, and inspiration. I've heard they are getting started on the movie.....CAN'T WAIT!!)

The Twilight Series
(I don't know many people who aren't familiar with it, but again...if you haven't read it....get out from under your rock and read it!!)

Speak
(I am reading this book right now, and I love it. I'm hoping to teach it, but I'm waiting on my grant to go through for the purchase of the books. If you would like to help with this, click here)

Glow
(This is a new book, coming out in September. It has been compared to The Hunger Games, and it seems very intriguing as far as the story line and idea goes)

So, if you haven't gotten by now that I am a complete nerd.....now you know. I didn't read much during my adolescent years, so I guess this is my way of making up for lost time. I'm glad that I'm drawn to this type of literature, though, because this is the kind of literature my students will find interesting, and if I can get them reading....and enjoying it....then I'm doing my job.

As far as books "my age" I love the classics.....definitely anything by Jane Austen. One of my goals for the summer was to read Frankenstein, but I'm not sure I'll get to that one. I also love historical fiction - namely british history. I always said I was born in the wrong country....I was meant to grow up in the English countryside. I am not big on romantic stuff at all, which is why I have never read anything by Nicholas Sparks. I know...crazy...but I just can't get into them. I don't do lovey, dovey, sappy romance. I love the movie, The Notebook, but I refuse to read the book because I'm afraid it'll make me hate the movie. I can't get into mysteries and thrillers because it's hard for me to read about murders....abuse...things of that nature (I say that, and I just recommended The Hunger Games to you....).

All in all, I am so sad to Harry Potter come to an end, but I'm excited about what is to come for kids (and adults) to enjoy and be inspired by!

Collen's first beach trip!

2011-07-18T17:26:00.000-07:00

We took a short beach trip with Jeremy's family this week - from Thursday to Sunday. We went to Myrtle Beach in SC, and it was so nice to get away and call another place "home" for a few days. There's something so exciting and refreshing about going off and staying somewhere different.

We were looking forward to this because it was Collen's first time seeing the ocean and experiencing the beach! He absolutely loved it! His favorite part was the water. I would stand him up and walk him through the water, and normally, when I hold his hands and walk him, he immediately wants to sit down, but this time - he was walking so fast I couldn't keep up with him! I guess he loved the feel of the sand beneath his feet! Once he starts walking on his own, I'll have to stay ahead of him because he'll be running for the water!

He travelled well, but he's definitely a lot more antsy in the car than he used to be. He was able to sleep a bit in the car but would become very unhappy if he was woken up on the ride. I shared a bed with him while we were there, which is what we usually do when we go out of town. He hates the pac'n play, so we ended up pulling a matress into our room, and the plan was for him to sleep on it alone, but I got nervous about him being over there all alone without a monitor, so I slept with him. He's a mover...so I got smacked a few times and rolled into/on top of, but once he was deep in sleep, he slept fine. Fun times....

We'll be doing this again with my family next week. We were able to get a good preview of how he will handle the beach, being outside, how naps should work, how outings work, and just how a baby at the beach is over all!!

Enjoy some pictures of Collen's first beach trip!

WORN OUT!

Quickly approaching crashing...

2011-07-13T21:00:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have felt non-stop. Literally....every single minute of the day has felt consumed. Between chasing Collen around/playing with him, getting the new job squared away, doing everyday household stuff, tending our garden and canning/freezing what's coming out of it, visiting friends, packing for vacation (going to the beach Thurs - Sun.)....church...errands...bills...etc.

Time has just escaped me.

And I apologize to my faithful few readers....if you're still there...stick with me. Don't give up on me yet.

I can see a crash coming soon. If I don't get a break, soon....and just breathe....it could get ugly. I felt it today. Pressure...the busyness of getting "it all" done....it takes a toll and I found myself folding blankets and almost near tears. And I said to myself, "What in the world is wrong with you?! You're just going on vacation, and Collen is going with you!" I realize now that it was just because I was tired. I am tired. But, I keep pushing on. That's what mom's do right? And I do it with a smile on my face because there's nowhere else I'd rather be and nothing else I'd rather be doing.

I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your summer. I'm dreading the end of summer....and the first day of school....and of course it's on August 25th. Please, God, let them choose another day to start school on next year. I have no idea how the first day is going to go, and that scares me. But....I'll worry about that a little later.

I have a whole blog I want to write about the loss of a child....and just what it does to you and how it stays with you.....and just how the big picture is changed, forever. I have to get my thoughts together on that one, but it's been on my heart for a while now.

Ok....off to bed. Sorry I was all over the place on this one. Definitely feeling scattered and frazzled these days. :)

Busy, busy...

2011-07-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

Such is my life these days. When Collen started crawling, he didn't stop! haha He started crawling one week; the next week - pulling up. Now, he's cruising around the furniture and standing - unassisted - for a few seconds at the time. And boy is he FAST! We have to baracade him into the living room or else we'll find him playing in the dog and cat's water bowl.....or headed for Sinatra's room (yuck...do NOT want to find him playing in kitty litter)

(Sidebar: Did I mention Sinatra (our cat) had to have a tooth extracted? I noticed he was not closing his mouth....and drooling quite a bit. Called the vet; he said it could be something very serious; took him in; had to pay an emergency fee (ugh); found out it was a rotten tooth; did a chest xray to be safe due to his wheezing (another fee); it was determined that he is a monster cat who, at 22.5 lbs, needs to get his lazy butt up and lose some weight, but he's going to be just fine.)

Anyway, I don't have much time to sit down and collect my thoughts these days because I'm having to make sure Collen isn't getting into anything he shouldn't. Most of his toys are in our living room, and on any given day you can find said toys strewn all over the living room (I love it!). We love getting down there and playing with him, chasing him, reading him books, and making him laugh.

It's so hard to believe he'll be a year old next month! A YEAR!!! I'm so, so excited to reach this milestone with him, and at the same time, I'm pleading with time to just sloooow down a little. He's getting so big, and so, so independent. But, he still needs his mommy and daddy....and can't get enough of that.

I'm not excited, though, about going back to work. I'm excited about a paycheck...but not so excited about having to spend my days away from Collen. I believe it is safe to say that I will be teaching at EB Aycock Middle School, here in Greenville. I will be teaching 8th grade Language Arts, and I'm really looking forward to something new. However, I will miss my AGHS family terribly. I can't begin to imagine starting over at a new school....with new people...new students...a new community. But, there's something really exciting about a new start. :) Teaching jobs around here have been few and far between, so I consider myself extremely blessed to have this opportunity! I have already been hard at work getting grants set up for books for my students. The library at our school has an okay collection, but some of the books aren't age appropriate, so I'm working on getting an updated selection. So far, I have gotten a class set of The Hunger Games (SO excited about teaching this book!). And I'm also working on getting a class set of the book Speak.

While we're at work, Collen will be staying with a wonderful lady we were introduced to by some good friends of ours. At first, we were going to put him in a daycare. He is very social, so we knew being around other kids would be great for him. However, the opportunity for one-on-one care became available, and the cost is much cheaper than the day care (although....NO price can be put on his care). We met with Ms. Anne and immediately felt at ease with Collen staying with her during the day. We plan to put him in daycare when he's 2, but in the meatime, this is going to be a great fit for all of us.

We have a couple of beach trips lined up in the coming weeks. Looking forward to that and just getting away. I'm terrified of how badly it's going to mess up Collen's schedule and routine, but we will adjust. He's very adaptable, so I'm sure he'll do fine....I hope.

Just wanted to give you a quick update to let you know i'm still here....just running around a little frazzled...but I'm here. :) Soaking up every last second of the time I have left staying home with Collen. I won't even go there today. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

Here are some pictures of our mobile little boy:

Reading his favorite book - over, and over and over. :)

He likes to kiss EVERY picture

We've been teething this week, and I introduced whole milk just to see how he would handle it. I don't know if it was the teething or the milk, but later in the week he had some pretty bad diaper rash. After bath time tonight, he spent some naked time in his room to "air out."

The boy loves an IPad...and think it's his. We have to hide it from him if we want to use it, or else he's demanding that it be given to him.

Standing up, waiting for Grandma :)

I met my Ayden in my dreams....

2011-06-25T18:41:00.000-07:00

Since Collen was born, I haven't dreamt of Ayden. I used to dream of him quite frequently. After Collen was born, the dreaming either stopped (due to lack of sleep and time to actually get into a dream state) or became about Collen.

Last night, though, I saw my Ayden. I've said in the past that I'm not one of those that puts a lot of stock in dreams. I don't see them as ways to receive messages (although, I don't entirely disbelieve that either) or to reach an enlightened moment. Dreams, to me, are blendings of the days events, emotions, and the thoughts that have been heavy on our minds. Ayden has been on my mind a lot lately, so I wasn't surprised when he showed up last night.

As much as I absolutely love dreaming of him, it is so incredibly hard. I remember the dream vividly because this time, he stayed with me. In every single dream I have had of Ayden, since he passed away, I haven't gotten to keep him. I've watched him slip through my fingers every single time. And I wake up heart-broken once again and just hurting....

Last night's dream was reminiscent of past dreams. He was in the hospital, fighting for his life. The doctors were giving me little hope, but I refused to believe them. I knew that he just needed me. He was lying so still....breathing but not responsive. It seemed like days passed, and I was still sitting there watching him....believe they were wrong. Then, the next thing I knew, he opened his eyes, sat up, looked at me and smiled, and said, "Momma." As I reached or him, I woke up. Tears flooded my eyes because it always happens that way....so close....I could feel him...and in this one, all I had to do was reach out and touch him....but I was too late.

I'm sure many of you wonder "where I am" in all of this these days. It's been almost 2 years. We've gone on to have another beautiful child who has helped ease the pain and bring joy back into our lives. BUT the hole is still there. The Ayden-sized hole is still in my heart, and nothing can fill it.

There are a lot of mothers who read my blog who have experience our same loss, and they see hope in us and where we are. But I want them, especially, to know that while we aren't in the deep, dark hole of grief anymore, the pain is still there. I doesn't go away. It begins to lessen, in a way, but I don't go a day without feeling it. I still cry and hurt for our loss. I still utter the "what ifs" and the "why me...why him?" But, I have to say, God has done a lot of work on us.

When we first lost Ayden, I remember thinking...."how in the world does a nonbeliever get through this?" I was barely hanging on....but I knew I still had hope to cling to. I had the promise of Heaven and an eternity with my son. But HOW does anyone get through this without that? A lot of healing has happened over the past (almost) 2 years. A degree of healing I never, ever thought possible. I imagined not being able to get out of bed for years....not being able to face friends with babies....not ever being happy again. I didn't think I'd ever laugh again....or smile. I invited the grief in, and I wanted to hurt until I couldn't breathe.

Losing a child is the most traumatic, life-changing, heart-breaking thing anyone can experience. Time does not heal the wound....it magnifies it until you are forced to face it. And nothing you can do can change it. Nothing. (That was the hardest part for me...I lost all control) Please know that you don't have to face it alone.

I've met so many families over the past 2 years...families who are walking this walk right alongside us. They are so special...and their children are always on my heart. I can watch Collen play and make friends, but I also know who some of Ayden's friends are, too. :) I think of you all so often, and I pray that your journey is becoming lighter....filled with a little more joy...and that you can somehow find hope and cling to it.

Double Digits!

2011-06-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today, Collen turned 10 months old! I say it with every milestone, but I really can not believe he's already 10 months old! It's incredible just HOW MUCH a baby changes in 10 short months!

These days Collen is:

- Crawling up a storm! He loves to take off and then laugh and laugh...waiting for one of us to chase him.

- The week after he started crawling, he started pulling up. Now, he's pulling up with ease and cruising around the furniture. Today, I watched him move from one of his stand-up toys to the ottoman without help! (Slow down, buddy!!)

- He isn't showing an interest in walking at the moment, but I have a feeling he'll be walking by his first birthday. Those legs are still pretty wobbly right now!

- Such a character! For a while, I wondered if he would ever show his sense of humor. He would laugh at something a few times and then be done with it. That is no more. He laughs at so many things these days....usually whatever he deems humorous. He'll sit alone, playing, and just crack himself up. It's hilarious and so adorable!

- Developing a distinct personality. He definitely has his preferences on things, and he will let you know if he is not happy with something. It baffles me that kids already come wired with impatience and short tempers (because he certainly didn't learn any of that from us!). We're starting to have to use discipline to teach him boundaries and expectations - like not touching things that could hurt him and not throwing a fit when we take something away. Parenting becomes hard so early on....but I know it's for his own good.

- Speaking his own language. This week, Collen developed this language of his very own. You're all probably familiar with the jibberish that babies speak. Collen can be persuaded to get into a conversation by having his jibberish spoken to him. He will join in and talk right back. I've tried to get a video of it, but he's more interested in the camera at that point.

As far as where he is physically, he weighs somewhere around 22.5 - 23 pounds, and he's probably close to 30 inches.

He still LOVES to eat! He'll eat pretty much anything that's put in front of him. When we go out to eat, we used to (still try to) feed him before we ate, but once we're eating, he thinks he should be eating, too. So, we save snacks (puffs, yogurt melts, crunchies, etc.) for when we're eating so he's kept occupied. He gets 4 bottles of formula a day (6 ounces each), and of those bottles, he probably gets a total of 20 ounces. He has better things to do than drink his milk...

He loves to play, play, play. And if it all of a sudden goes quiet, you can usually find him with his books. He opens them and points at the pictures....talking to himself or laughing at the pictures. He is a child after my own heart. I hope he loves to read as much as I did as a child.

Collen loves animals - especially dogs. He and Tucker have become friends...sort of. Tucker tolerates him and lets him pat him and "hit" him without even flinching. I've been pleasantly surprised by Tucker. :) Gracie is still too big to play with Collen. She gets too excited when he's around, and she just wants to lick him all over. He likes to look at her from a distance and gets so excited when she comes into view.

It's so strange that in 2 months we'll be celebrating his first birthday! We have tentative plans in mind but nothing set in stone, yet. I know it doesn't need to be over-the-top, but we have so much to celebrate! Every day with Collen, these days, is something new, and we're loving watching him grow and learn and just be Collen. Just when I don't think I could love him anymore....I do. He brings so much joy to our lives. Thank you all for keeping up with us as Collen grows and for continuing to pray for us and praise with us!

Happy Anniversary & Happy Father's Day

2011-06-19T18:33:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately, these pictures are not in the most organized of order, but I'll caption as I go.

Jeremy and I celebrated 6 years of marriage on Saturday! Married for 6 years, and in September, we will have been together for 11 years! So hard to believe it has been that long. We have been through so much together....more than any couple could ever imagine they would face. And what I love about us is that we know each other so well....we don't have to speak to know what the other would say...do...think...in any given situation. We just know. I love that we have a friendship that keeps us laughing and silly. And we have a relationship that keeps us grounded. We know what we expect from ourselves in our marriage. We know the standards we set for ourselves on the day we said "I do." It has become second nature to always include each other in decisions....to discuss issues....to be forthright and communicate with each other about anything at all (that part has gotten easier as the years have passed). We aren't perfect by any means, but I think we're doing pretty good, if I say so myself! God has blessed us beyond belief. Losing Ayden was obviously our most diffcult moment, and our marriage grew stronger through it. It forced us on our knees and required us to lean on each other. So far, we have two beautiful boys thanks to these 6 years (11 years), and they are definitely our most prized possessions. Just talk to either one of us about Ayden and Collen....you'll see our eyes light up and shine at the mere mention of them. We've learned a lot about life...love...loss...and enduring through it all...growing stronger, together. I look forward to many, many more years!

This year was Jeremy's 3rd Father's Day. Last year, our second Mother's and Father's Day, was undoubtedly the most difficult year. The year before, Ayden had just been born. Our first parents' day celebrations, and we were over the moon in love with our new bundle of joy. Our lives had changed in an instant. The two of us...who were once a couple of kids in love...had become parents! And then, we faced every parent's nightmare. The next year marked all of the firsts....without Ayden...including Mother's Day and Father's Day. God had blessed us with another baby on the way, and on those days, we held tight to Collen....feeling every nudge and kick...believing God for His faithfulness and His promise to bless us and see us through the good and the bad. And now....we've celebrated our third Mother's Day and Father's Day. The days are certainly still bittersweet; they always will be. The child who made us parents is no longer here to celebrate with us. However, Collen - the child who reminds us daily to never, ever take a single second for granted....to lean on God even when you don't want to....to love with your whole heart even when it is the most terrifying thing you can imagine - he has made this 3rd year so incredibly special!

Jeremy is a wonderful dad. I always knew he would be. We met when we were 17, and as any typical girl does....I dreamed of marrying him and starting our family. And I wondered what kind of dad he would be. I watched him with kids, and he was a natural....always playful and joining in with their games. I sighed a huge sigh of relief, knowing he would be such a wonderful dad! And I was right! I've never seen Jeremy more complete than when he's holding one of his babies. He adores his sons, and I absolutely love watching him with them. Ayden and Collen are blessed little boys to call him their Daddy!

I have been blessed to have wonderful men in my life - my grandfathers, my dad, Jeremy's dad, my godfather (no picture of him...unfortunately. He passed away when I was 14), and Jeremy. I could extend that list out even more, but I'll keep it to the pictures I have....

This is my grandpa "Grandaddy" - He adores all of his grandchildren and great grandchildren. Ayden holds a very special place in his heart. And he absolutely adores Collen and the time he gets to spend with him. He has taught me the value of family and the importance of forgiveness. He is known for telling funny stories and passing down stories and funny sayings he learned from his parents and grandparents. He is best remembered for THE CLAW! Happy Father's Day Grandaddy!

This is my dad - Thurman. I love this picture of Daddy and Collen...so sweet.

Jeremy, holding Ayden soon after he was born. I'll never, ever forget the absolute joy of that moment.

Jeremy, holding Collen soon after he was born. Such relief filled that room the moment he made his appearance. Relief...joy...renewed faith...and so much love.

Jeremy likes to have face-to-face time with his boys. I love these pictures.

Jeremy and Ayden enjoying some eskimo kisses.

One of my all time favorite pictures of the two of them. Always brings me to tears.

Jeremy and Ayden - his first week of life. Jeremy couldn't hold him enough.

And this handsome guy is my dad! This was on my parents' wedding day in 1974. This my favorite picture of my dad....I just had to share. I was blessed with the most awesome dad a girl could ask for. He played with me and my sister, taught me how to play softball, taught me how to fish, encouraged every interest I had (even the weird ones), taught me to love Christ and to follow Him, and he showed me what a godly man should be and what to look for in a husband. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have had the childhood that I had. I know how blessed I am, and I am forever grateful for all that my parents have done for me, my sister, and me and Jeremy. My dad was the rock of our family....the kind of spiritual leader, husband, and father that God intended for all of us to have.

Daddy and Ayden (and Tucker). He loves his grandsons so, so much. I've only known him as a dad. Now, seeing him as a grandpa, I'm seeing a whole different side of him. I respect his advice and his encouragement so much. I could write a whole post about my dad alone. I just hope I've made him as proud of me as I am of him.

And this is Jeremy's dad, Calvin, and Ayden. I couldn't find a picture of him with Collen (although, I know I have one somewhere!) Jeremy's dad is a hard-working, loving man. He is incredibly tender-hearted behind his manly-man exterior (he tries to be tough, but he ain't foolin' me! :) ) From day one, he welcomed me into their family with open arms....always treating me as if I was his own daughter. I love our heart-to-heart conversations - although they don't happen often because he is a big softie....and I can't stand to see those crocodile tears welling up in his eyes. Jeremy's dad loves his grandchildren so, so much. You can see it so clearly. He is the proud grandpa of 3 boys and soon-to-be a little girl (Jeremy's sister is pregnant...due in August), and they have him wrapped around his little finger.

Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful, beautiful men in my life. I love you all, and I am so incredibly proud of the examples and role models you are. I pray that we have many more Father's Day celebrations together!

I wonder.

2011-06-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

Hey sweet boy,

I think about you every day. Saying that I miss you doesn't even begin to express the longing and aching of my heart when my arms are missing the weight of you....and when I just need to see your smile.

I write a lot about your little brother. Oh, he's something, Ayden. The two of you would be such good buddies. I look at Collen and can't help but wonder what you would have been like at 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, 2 years and 2 months? Would you and Collen have the same silly, goofy personality? Would you be protective of your brother? Would you be his hero?

I only got 3 months and 28 days with you, but it was enough to learn so much about you. I think you definitely would have been silly. You already were so funny! But I think you would have been contemplative.....and quiet(er) than your brother. When you were with us, I imagined you older, and I could see you as the kid who could sit and play alone for hours.....content and so laid back.

It breaks my heart that all I can do is wonder. I see the kids in your Sunday school class and i wonder if they will ever feel your absence....will they realize that there should be one more playing and hearing the Bible stories? I wonder if people will begin to forget you....erase you from what they consider the Jones family....when they think of us, will they remember you?

On the outside, Mommy and Daddy seem okay these days. We can be seem smiling and shining with joy. But if they were to look deep inside our eyes...they would see the hurt. They would see just how incomplete our lives feel. We live an ordinary life, but buddy your absence is felt every day. I go through each day never feeling as if i am 100% here.....every part of me feels the loss....it feels the absence of the little boy who should be here. I dint have to wonder if that will ever change....it won't. I don't want it to. A mother is forever connected to her child....even when he is physically gone. It's a remarkable feeling...but I still feel you with me....subtle nudges of Ayden.

Some days I ache for you so much that it just hurts. I can physically hold Collen and snuggle and kiss him when I just need that baby love from him. But when I need my Ayden love, my arms are empty....and my heart just bursts. Some days it's just so, so hard. I have learned to live with the pain and exist between grief and hope, but some days it catches up with me....and I just need my Ayden.

Today, I need my Ayden. I wonder so much if God tells you about us....about your brother.....about all the people who love you. I wonder if you think of us. I wonder how long it will be until I see you again.

Every day that passes, the distance between our time with you and our life now continues to grow. Two worlds....two existences...two lives that can't quite seem to co-exist. But every day that passes is a day closer to you. I find such relief in that one truth. One step closer, every day.

I don't wonder what that day will be like.....I already know that I will run as fast I can and scoop you up in my arms (no matter how big or small you may be) and I will finally be whole again....with my Savior and with my baby. Death has no hold on me. I don't fear it....I don't welcome it....but I rejoice in the promise that will result. Until then, me and your dad have to guide your brother and show him the love of Jesus....and pray, and pray, and pray for him and his salvation. One day, we will have such a family reunion.

Me time and bugs...

2011-06-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm not well acquainted with the concept of "me time" these days. I don't mind it...I really don't. In fact, when I do happen to be away from Collen, I feel like I'm missing one of my limbs...I literally have to stop and gather my thoughts because I actually have time to slow my brain down.

The most time I've spent away from Collen has been 2 hours...maybe 3. And he has always been at our house, being kept by Jeremy, grandparents or Aunt Megan. Jeremy's only "guy time" with Collen has been spent at the house...because I have been hesitant about letting go and letting them venture out. I know...I'm too paranoid. But seriously...Jeremy AND Collen out on the road together...if something happened - that's my whole life...right there...gone. It's not realistic to think that way, though....just have to trust they'll be okay. So, today, I was desperately needing some "me time." I mentioned to Jeremy the other day that I would love to just be able to sit...alone...and be able to just think, watch a movie from beginning to end, and relax. (Even saying that triggers my "selfish" red flags, but I know everyone deserves me time...even ME.) Jeremy mentioned meeting a friend and his son for wings, so I sent them on their way, asking Jeremy to text me when they got there so I knew they were okay. I must have kissed Collen 20 times before they left....

I got myself ready (ready enough to go through a drive thru), and went to Bojangles. Came home, put in My Girl, and enjoyed a movie. It was nice to just sit....clear my head...and just be. My Girl, however, is not the best choice of movie for me...considering our situation....and right as the really hard part was coming up, Jeremy and Collen walked in. So, I stopped the movie and decided to save my "good cry" for another day.

I think we should schedule in weekly Mommy "me time." :)

In other Jones household news....we have bugs. And not just any bugs...roaches. Ugh....it grosses me out just to type that. Every time we see one, I say, "HOW did it get in here?!?! And don't tell me from outside!" Apparently, though, we might have a problem on our hands because Jeremy found baby ones today....YES babies!! All day, I have felt like bugs have been crawling all over me. It makes me feel so dirty. We are not dirty people, and our house is definitely clean....and we don't have much clutter, so it baffles me that they've chosen our house. We've called some bug people, and they're coming on Monday. I can't stand a bug, and I certainly can't stand a bug in my house! Tonight, no bug sightings....luckily. ugh.

Hope you are all enjoying your weekend. :) If you haven't....schedule yourself some me time and do your body and your mind some good.

Do you really want to know?

2011-06-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

As many of you have probably noticed (or maybe you haven't?)....I haven't been posting much lately. Well, as much as I adore spending every minute of my day with Collen....I somehow doubt that you really want to hear about that all the time. We really don't get out all that much. If we do, it's too run errands, but these days I have had to limit our outings due to heat and my knack for spending money whenever we leave the house (I need a job, people....seriously...still haven't heard anything).

So, I thought (for my own records and perhaps your interest/boredom) I would detail a typical day for us. I know you're just burning to know what goes on around here.

(The times have been approximated)

6:15: Collen wakes up. Put him in bed with us; he sleeps until 7:45 on.the.dot.

7:45: Bottle (6-7 ounces) and breakfast - some kind of oatmeal or fruit/rice cereal

8:15 - 10:00 - play time - plays on the floor in the living room, getting into whatever he can. He likes to explore these days. I usually play with him and try to do any cleaning/straightening that needs to be done. Or I catch up on emails, facebook, and blogs. He entertains himself well, so this usually a good time for quick internet usage.

10:00 - 11:00: nap time. I usually lay down with him. I must go to bed earlier....

11:00 - 12:30: More play time. We play all sorts of games....hide and seek, peek-a-boo, read books, play with toys, take Tucker out to potty, watch Sid the Science Kid, and I may get some more cleaning and such done.

Between wake up and lunch time, I have probably changed 2 poopy diapers.....and have 2 more to anticipate throughout the rest of the day. Anyone else's baby poop this much??

12:00 - 1:00 - Somewhere in here, he gets another bottle (6 ounces, but usually only takes 4), then lunch time. A serving of a green veggie and a serving of a fruit. Usually gets some yogurt melts or veggie crunchies and water in his sippy cup.

1:00 - 2:00: More play time. This is when I am likely to attempt a shower (if it's a day when Jeremy is gone all day - thank you, God, for summer break! So nice to have him home Tues. and Thurs. mornings...and all day Friday). For this to work, I have to put him in the exersaucer long enough to get a shower, then once I'm out, he's ready to get out of it. So, he sits on the floor in our room and plays/explores (supervised of course!) while I get ready.

2:00 - 3:30 or 4:00: nap time. I lay down with him until he falls asleep (I know....I need to break this habit, but really....it's just me and him here all the time....and it works for him. But we'll have to change this once day care comes into the picture). I either use this time to quickly check email again (to find no job prospects), do some light cleaning, pick up toys, maybe watch a movie (with captioning....haha....our tvs have the captioning on all over the house), read, etc. I have been known to indulge in a little nap of my own as well....

4:00 - 5:30: More play time. We may run errands during this time or take a bath (if we just need to change it up), got get the mail, check on the garden outside, clean up, definitely get some more play time in. Around 4:30, he gets his 3rd bottle of the day (6 ounces...might drink it all).

5:30 - 6:00: Dinner time. An orange veggie and a fruit or yogurt. I've tried him on the stage 3 veggies, but he does not handle the texture/chunks well. So, we're still on stage 2 for the most part. He actually prefers whole, solid foods. So, I have been cooking him carrots until they are super soft and slicing them. He loves it! I cooked a sweet potato the other day and just scooped the inside out, mashed it up, and served. He loved that, too. So, maybe he just wants to skip the 3rd stage and move to the 4th. He still only has 2 little teeth (the top ones look close to coming in!!), but he's learned how to use those jaws!

6:00 - 7:30: This is when we may venture out (with Daddy) to run errands, go to a softball game, go out to dinner with grandparents/friends/just us. If we're home, Collen plays while we eat our dinner. And we usually end up on the floor with him and just play and play. :) This is also the typical time frame for bath time and the nighttime/before-bed routine.

7:30: He starts winding down. We brush his teeth, get his pjs on, and then it's me and him in the recliner for a story, a bottle, and a little rocking. I've been reading the Little Boys Bible Story Book for Moms and Sons to him. So, we read a bible story - he usually points at the pictures. Then he gets his last bottle for the day (6-8 ounces - usually takes it all...especially if he's super sleepy). I give him his paci, snuggle him all I can, we say our good nights, and then I put him down in his crib (awake). We recently got him one of those baby aquariums, and he LOVES it. It has really helped him self-soothe to get to sleep. I usually stay with him until he seems drowsy enough....he likes for me to hold his hand, stroke his face and hair, and rub his belly. Lately, though, I've just stood by his crib while he watches the aquarium and drifts off the sleep. Really...that thing works for us! Typically, he's asleep within 5 minutes of putting him down.

8:00 pm - 6:15 am: Sleeps, tosses, turns, wakes up between 1-5 times during the night. I think his top teeth are bothering him right now; he cried out in his sleep about 4 times last night, but went right back to sleep. Last week, he only woke up once a night. This week....about 3-5. So, I'm thinking we'll be seeing teeth soon. :)

-- During this time of night, Jeremy and I can be found cleaning, straightening, washing bottles, putting up dishes and laundry, catching up on facebook/news/emails/football stuff (J...not me..haha), and some nights we'll watch a movie. This is also when we're able to catch up with each other - talk about our days and such. I usually don't go to bed until midnight (why I said I must go to bed earlier). Before bed, I read for about an hour....then drift off to sleep....and wake up whenever Collen needs to be soothed.

That's a typical day for us. Pretty boring, but I'll take boring any day!

9.5 months and crawling!

2011-06-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

Collen is finally crawling!! Time to baby proof the house!

What are you reading?

2011-06-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

About 2 weeks ago, I decided to take on the monumental - but rewarding - task of reading through the Bible. From Genesis to Revelation. I realized....here I am... 28 years old and I have never read the entire Bible! Sad....such a shame. All I have ever known of the Old Testament has been what I learned in Sunday school or what I have read in a sermon on Sunday mornings. I had never actually read it and studied it for myself.

So, I began to read. I was ( and still am) so motivated and excited to read God's word! Even the begats....and all those measurements for the ark, table, altar, lamp stand, and tabernacle.....and priest garments. Whew...just got through all of that 2 nights ago. I am into Leviticus now, so I am reading about what kind of offering to give for sins. It is really interesting....and a bit repetitive at times. But I am approaching it with the spirit of excitement and learning.

At the same time, I am also reading The Color Purple. The English teacher in me had been craving some literature, and I had just watched the last episode of Oprah ( if I had been alone, I would have been boo-hooing!) and I realized I had never read The Color Purple! So...I took on that task as well. So far, it is an interesting read.....very interesting.

I am so excited about reading through the Bible! It's definitely a goal I know I will accomplish!

What are you reading?

Randoms...

2011-06-02T17:14:00.001-07:00

Not much going on around here this week. The drama for the week was taken care of with Collen's imitation of monkeys jumping off the bed on Monday. He is doing just fine and is acting like his same silly self. The little bruise on his face started fading Monday night and today you can hardly see it. So, so thankful that it wasn't any worse than that.

This week, my focus has been job hunting....again. I've sent about 25+ emails out to principals and such...expressing my interest in a job...any job...I'm capable of doing pretty much whatever they need. At this point, I'd teach Math if they'd let me (they'd have to be as desperate as I am....). Out of the 25-30 emails I sent, 2 people have responded - both with, "Thank you, but at this time we do not have a position available, but we will keep your information on file." Hey...at least they responded. There are a few positions I feel good about, but the outlook is grim around here for teachers. It's sad.

With the budget cuts going on, I'm hoping and praying to find something. I'm trying not to worry, but it's tough when I'm looking at our savings dropping every month....and that's our supplemental income. After it's gone....I don't even want to think about it. That's why I have to find a job. We have enough to make it to September...maybe October. I'm trusting that God is going to handle it. He has the right place chosen for me....He just has to work out the timing. I'm not above looking for a part time job, but I really want to get back into teaching or using my masters and working as a school librarian. As teachers, we need all the income we can get. Collen's insurance will change in August, so that's going to be extra money we'll have to find from somewhere, and with him getting older we could use the extra money.

On a happier note, Collen has officially spoken his first word. You all heard it with the "Momma" videos, but he is now...for real...saying Momma and associating it with me. And you have no idea how happy this Momma is to be hearing that little word coming out of his mouth! It melts my heart. Now we have to work on Da Da.

We planted a garden a few weeks ago. It's actually growing really well! It has been HOT here this week. Upper 90s all week long. I don't do hot very well. I'm not a summer girl. I don't like summer wardrobe. I'd much rather be in jeans and nice, comfy sweater than covers all the lumps and bumps motherhood has provided me. I hang out in a lot of dresses and skirts...sometimes capris. No shorts for me. And I don't do tank tops....and rarely a lot of t-shirts. I'm already wishing for fall.

Football has started up for Jeremy...summer work outs and practices. This means our schedule is flip-flopped. He is here during the day (most days) and then at school in the evenings. Not sure how supper is going to go...I don't like cooking for one, but I'm trying to stay motivated with the idea of left-overs. He does have Fridays off, which is great. It has taken some getting used to have him here during the day instead of later in the evenings, but Collen sure does enjoy it. My mom has been here with me this week, so we've enjoyed ourselves. I hope she'll make it common occurence!

I met a blog reader today - at Target. Isn't there where you normally see people who you know/who know you? Always nice to meet someone who is praying for us and reading about our ordinary )well...not-so-ordinary if you think about it) little life.

That's about it. Been a pretty quiet week. Please, please pray that something comes along on the job front. Pray that I'll leave it to God and trust Him to work it out. I tend to stress out....and I can feel it coming. Just trying to pray against it. Hope you are all having a great week. Friday is almost here!

What. A. Day. {or....lesson learned from a scary situation}

2011-05-30T18:04:00.000-07:00

I had one of those Mom moments today - one of the scary ones. One of the moments that make you feel like the absolute worst mom in the whole world.

Collen takes most of his daytime naps in our bed. And almost every time, I lay down with him. (The perk of being a stay-at-home mom) Today, I had to get a shower because we had plans for the afternoon. Normally, I would have taken my shower earlier in the morning while Collen was playing, but he decided to take an early morning nap, and seeing as I was pretty exhausted, I napped with him. So, as he was napping, I decided to take my shower. I've done this many times....pinned him in with pillows...and he's been fine. I know this is not the smartest of decisions, but up until now, he hasn't been all that mobile. Well...today...he got mobile...and he took a tumble off the bed. :(

I was in the shower and heard this thud, then a sound...that I thought was the dog barking. But my intuition said, I don't think that's Tucker. I rushed out of the shower....to find the bed empty and Collen on the floor crying his little heart out. I was crushed...and just terrified, but somehow, I managed to stay very calm because I knew I needed to calm him down to check him out. I picked him up and sat him on the bed, wiped his tears, and hugged him close to me to make him feel safe. He calmed down, and I looked him over. Nothing broken....nothing hurt, except for a little bruise on his cheek bone. A few minutes later, he was back to his normal self...being silly and sweet. I put a cold cloth on his bruise and proceeded to stare at him for the next hour...haha. Seriously, I just sat and held him or watched him play and just stared at him...waiting for a sign that something was wrong. I called my sister, who is a NICU nurse, and she came over and checked him out.

He seemed fine, but with our history being what it is, "seems fine" wasn't enough for me. So, off to the ER we went (it would happen on a holiday!) to get him checked out just in case. Jeremy met us there, and I imagine that the three of us were experiencing a lot of deja vu we did not want to remember. I had avoided the ER for almost 2 years....because this was where I last held Ayden and had to say goodbye. It was hard to walk through those doors and remember it all....having it all come flashing back. But, I was on a mission....so that helped keep me distracted.

Collen went in to see the triage nurse pretty quickly...they weighed him and checked his vitals. Then we sat down for the loooong wait. We ended up being in the ER for 4 hours total. Collen did fantastic!!! He played, watched people, made loud noises (hehe), drank a bottle, took a nap (at this point, I was pretty sure he was okay...), and woke up and played some more. We went back, and he was checked out by a nurse and 2 doctors, and word spread about the cute little baby in the ER. The doctors checked him out, and reassured us that he was going to be fine. So, I went home feeling a little better.

I feel awful, and I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. But, it's hard after we've experienced....because in my mind, I'm supposed to be overly cautious....I'm supposed to keep him from ALL harm and ALL possible accidents. I know that isn't possible. Believe me....I know it isn't realistic. But, after losing Ayden, I try to keep Collen as safe as I possibly can...even it if seems like I'm being irrational or paranoid. And then, I let him sleep on our bed....unsupervised. ugh....all I've been doing all day is shaking my head and thinking, "How stupid can you be?!" He has napped in our bed like this for months, and the thought has occured to be every time...that he could fall...but he hasn't, so I assumed he'd be okay. So mad at myself right now. And what makes it worse is that I almost put him in his crib. I had my hands out, ready to pick him up and put him in there, but I decided not to since he was already sleeping so well. ugh...

So, lesson learned. If he's going to sleep in our bed, I'd better be laying down with him. If not, he goes in his crib. I know it happens to all of us....but when it really happens...it's so scary.

Since I didn't see it happen, I have a theory. I think he woke up and sat up (he has JUST started doing this...like in the past day or two), and I think he was trying to get the remote on the night stand. Then I think his hand slipped, he hit his little face ( ugh...makes me sick thinking of it), and then fell...but he would have fallen onto a pillow that was on the floor by the bed...and then rolled off the pillow. So, I'm going to go with that scenario and be convinced that he fell on the pillow....because it makes me feel a little better.

Okay....I took a loooong time to tell this story. Needless to say, it has been a long day. I'm so glad he's okay....and as the days go by and I'm assured that he's okay, I'll begin to forgive myself. A big thank you to my sister for dropping everything and coming to check on him and then going with me to the ER. She's so awesome. And thank you Lord that it wasn't worse....

*sigh*

Owen.

2011-05-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

Collen was almost an Owen. I loved that the name means Little Warrior. I needed my 2nd baby boy to be a fighter.....because we sure were fighting to keep him with us. We were determined not to lose another child, which is foolish, really, because that decision isn't up to us. But we still needed to feel that fight within us. Ultimately, we decided on Collen, but I still love the name Owen. Perhaps if we have another boy someday....

This is about another sweet baby boy named Owen. Owen is a new friend of Ayden's (I imagine all the children in Heaven are best buddies). Owen is the brother to 3 other little boys...two of which are a part of his threesome. Owen is part of a set of triplets. One afternoon, Owen was laid down in his crib. He rolled to his stomach, and was found unresponsive. His heart was able to be revived, but he wasn't waking up. Owen has fought a long, hard fight for the past week or so, but he is now sitting at the foot (or perhaps in the lap) of Jesus.

When I first heard about this story, my heart broke and tears flooded my eyes. I hate this. I hate that some parents have to experience the death of their child. I hate that death touches children. It hurts most when I think of that....that my child experienced death....and that someone elses's child experienced death.....and someone elses's child WILL experience death. It's one of those things I grapple with so much. I still ask "why"....all the time. I never expect an answer, but I just can't wrap my mind around it. I try...but it's hard to be 100% resolved to just say, "God knows why...so just let it go and trust that He knows best." It's just so hard. I want my son in my arms. I want Owen to be with his parents and brothers again. I want Caden to know her brothers. I want Mark to know his sisters. I want Julius to smile at his Mommy again (happy birthday to Julius tomorrow!) I want all of the people I have met through my blog and our experience to have their children back with them.

Please, please take time to pray for the Bissing family. Here is a link to Melissa's blog. http://bissingfamily.wordpress.com/ She write so eloquently and is able to bring words to feelings I couldn't even begin to express. Her tribute to her son is beautiful. Owen is beautiful. His story is reaching and touching so many. His story has touched me deeply. Please lift up their family as they are facing funeral arrangements, having just held Owen for the last time, and now facing the service that is coming up. Pray that they can find rest....even when the last thing they want to do is to stop moving because once you're still, the pain is just too much to bear. Pray that they can find peace...the peace that only our Father can provide at this time. Pray that they are kind with themselves and allow themselves to grieve....in their own way, and in their own time. Pray for Owen's brothers as this has to be confusing and difficult for them. And continue to pray for families who have lost a child. Years can go by following the loss and it might seem like things are better....but that's only on the outside. The pain doesn't fade. The loss leaves a gaping hole....a void that can never be filled. Life is never the same after this.

Collen goes to the mountains

2011-05-28T18:43:00.000-07:00

This past week, Collen and I tagged along with my parents to the mountains of NC. My dad had to go up for business, so my mom and I (and Collen) came along to do some sight-seeing and shopping. Jeremy and I lived and worked in the foothills for a year, so we have friends up there that we like to visit whenever we're there. I was able to go back to the school we taught at and visit with a few people. It was an exam day, so I couldn't visit too long, but it was so nice to give hugs and introduce them to Collen. The last time we visited was right after we lost Ayden - there were a lot of hugs on that visit too and a lot of well wishes and kind words. It was nice to go back with Collen and share our joy with our mountain family.

Collen did very well with the travelling! I was impressed. He got restless from time to time, but once he settled down and took a nap, he was fine. He ended up taking most of his afternoon naps in the car, or in his stroller, and he did so, so well. At night, he slept with me. I bought a bed rail/guard as a precaution, and it turned out to be a smart purchase. He rolls all over the place, so if he wasn't bumping into me, he at least had that guard to prevent him from meeting the floor!

It was nice to get back home to Jeremy. We missed "da da" so much! And I missed my bed....and Collen's crib. I love sleeping with him and getting those middle-of-the-night snuggles, but I sleep so much better with him in his crib. :) It was great to get away for a few days. Staying home...every day can seem like groundhog's day...the same thing over and over again. It was great to be able to get a shower without worrying about what Collen was doing. I was able to eat a meal while it was hot! It was nice to have some help. I love doing it all for Collen, but Mom needs a break sometimes, too.

It was nice to spend time with my parents. We definitely had some laughs and have some fun stories to tell...over and over again. We made some fun memories. :)

Here are some pictures from Collen's first trip to the mountains!

One of many "car pictures"

At the park with Grandma "Ya Ya"

Hi Mom!

Playing with a football from one of the ladies at school!

The dining area in the restaurant was reserved, so Collen had his first "bar meal."

It's not east to fit 4 people into one frame...but here we are!

Checking out the toys at the general store

He wasn't too sure about these bears...

Sweet boy....just love him to pieces!

Sink baths are fun!

9 Months Old

2011-05-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

Collen turned 9 months old on May 22! It's so hard to believe we're already at 9 months! Collen is doing so many things these days....

Here are the 9 month stats:

Weight: 21 lbs 13 oz (75%)
Height: 29 1/8 inches (75%)
Head: 48cm (97%)

The doctor was a tad surprised at his head circumference because it jumped since last time. Why do the doctors have to come in and make you all nervous? She wanted to re-measure to double check because she was just a little concerned. Turns out he just has a big head. I went home and measured again, and I got 45cm. The doctor had me so worried....and it's still an afterthought...but he's healthy and developing well, so I'm trying not to worry.

As far as milestones and development go, here are the new things he is doing these days:

- He mimicks sounds and actions like clapping, nodding his head, making sounds.

- He is saying, "Ma Ma" "Da Da" "Naa Naa" "Ba Ba" "Wa Wa" "Ya Ya" "Dit" (?) We just recently have started trying to teach him "No" by shaking our head and saying, "No, no, no, no...". This is where the "naa naa" came from. He will repeat it over and over after us.

- Pointing at the light. He loves to find the light....wherever we are!

- Sitting alone and pulling himself into a seated position (woooo! So thrilled about this one!)

- He can pull up on us if he's holding onto one of our shirts, but he isn't pulling up on furniture yet. He can get himself up on his knees but then just sits back down on his bottom. He still isn't crawling, and I'm not sure if he will. He'll get into a crawling position and then just sit back on his bottom or flatten out onto his belly. He prefers to get around by rolling or scooting on his bottom.

- Feeds himself. He loves to feed himself his puffs, crunchies, anything we let him....

- Dancing/bouncing - I love when he does this! It's so, so cute. If the mood strikes him, he'll bounce and bounce to music that comes on the TV.

- His funny face - I wish I had a picture of it. He scrunches up his nose and pulls his upper lip up and breathes through his nose really loudly. We have no idea where he got this from, but it's hilarious! He has quite the personality, and he isn't afraid to show it.

- He can still wear some 9 month clothes, but we have to put him in 12 month pajamas because his legs are too long for 9 month. He's pretty true to size with most of his clothes.

- He is sleeping through the night, but he still wakes up 3-5 times a night. When he wakes up, it's only for a minute....long enough for me to find his paci and give it back (he is starting to figure out how to pick it up and put it in his mouth himself)...reposition him...pat his back/rub his head...and he's back to sleep. Last night, he woke up ONCE (woo!), then he was awake at 7am....played a little while, drank a bottle...then went back to sleep from 8-10.

He's getting so much better at sleeping and napping. He is still sleeping in our room, in his crib. I have no idea when we'll move him. I keep thinking I'm going to decide to move him within the week, and then a week goes by....and he's still in our room. He does well with the current setup, and so do we, so I guess that's why we haven't been in a big hurry. Plus...I still like being able to keep an eye on him while he's sleeping. I know I can't watch him forever, but I'm always going to be fearful. I'm getting better with each passing month....feeling less stressed and less worried...but it still creeps up.

I say it all the time, but Collen is such a blessing. I look at him and just can't believe he's mine. I watch him breathe and I'm so thankful for the air in his lungs. He is happy and healthy and has such a huge personality. We absolutely love being his mommy and daddy, and we're so thankful that God chose us for him....and him for us.

New Blog Design

2011-05-24T06:02:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Someone asked if I re-designed my blog myself. No...no, no, no. haha I like to think I'm good with a computer, but not THAT good. An anonymous blog-reader deserves the credit. He/she contacted Designer Blogs, and they, in turn, contacted me telling me that a blog-reader had purchased a gift certificate for me to change my blog up (after I posted about wanting to change it up and include both of our boys). So, thank you - anonymous blog-reader. :) I'm so humbled by your generosity!

**********************************

Don't worry! You're in the right place! Don't close out your screen!

My blog has a new look, and I love it! I still need to work on the sidebar, but I really like the new look!

And I did change the name of the blog....so it's no longer "Keeping Up With the Joneses." With the turn that our life has taken, I thought a new name was in order. I wrote about this title a while back and how although Ayden is no longer with us here, we still see traces of him everywhere we go. Every day...in special moments....and passing glances...Ayden is always with us. There will forever be traces of Ayden in our life.

The verse that I chose for the top has become one of my absolute favorites - because through our grief and over the almost-2-years of learning to live life again....HOPE has been the one thing that kept us going. And I want to share that hope with every person I meet! Because of Christ and His sacrifice, we can live with hope...the hope of Heaven; the hope of meeting our loved ones again.

Thank you all for sticking with us over these past 2 years. I'm still in awe that anyone actually reads this little blog of mine. Thank you for sharing Ayden's story with your friends, loved ones, and perfect strangers! We are so thankful for you all....your prayers...and your encouragement on the bad days...and the good days.

Have a wonderful day!

I dreamt of you...

2011-05-20T13:44:00.000-07:00

...and you were so beautiful.

You were out of that burden of a chair....and you were walking. WALKING! I haven't seen you walk for years....my first memories of you are of you walking, with so much spirit and courage, facing ALS like a warrior.

The night of my dream, I was reliving your death and everything I wished I could have done. You told me you wanted me to be there, and I wasn't. I had a newborn and couldn't be there. I wish I could have hugged you and told you it was all going to be okay. I wish I could have held your hand one more time. I wish I could have seen you pass into glory and triumph over this life and meet our Savior in Heaven.

In my dream, you were walking around as if you were looking for someone. I found you and hugged you so hard! You sat in my lap (haha...you would have found that humorous) and told me how scared you were, and I just kept telling you everything was okay. That we were all okay. We cried together and I told you everything I wish I could have done for you, and you told me it was okay. I miss you, my sister. I miss you, my friend. I miss our talks. I miss hearing your voice. I miss feeling your strength by just standing in your presence. Someone was at church the other day in a wheel chair like yours - I did a double take because for a second, I forgot. I was sad for a moment....but I can never stay too sad for too long....because I know where you are - I know you are basking in the glory of the Lord - and I know you are whole. I've never known what it meant to rejoice in death, but Jill....the day you went home....I found the ability to rejoice for you. But it's still hard, and we all still miss you so, so much. Our human hearts hurt because you're missing from our lives, but our souls know we will be with you again.

Love you, Lady. :)

Beautiful friends

2011-05-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

We met Lori and John at Nancy and Dave Guthrie's Respite Retreat. We've kept up with them ever since, and they will soon be moving nearby! Their story was featured on their local news. Please take a minute to watch and hear their story and read about their sweet Matthew and their precious Luke.
They are an inspiration, and through God they have touched so many lives with their story and the blessing of Matthew - and now Luke.

After 10 years, couple gets pregnant through IVF, ends tragically, they try again

Collen says "Momma"

2011-05-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

I had to let him fuss just a litle bit to catch him saying it, but here it is - Collen saying, "Momma!"

Oh, how I have waited to hear one of my children say Momma. It was one of the things I most longed for after we lost Ayden....I would never hear him say "Momma" or "Da Da." Now, to hear Collen saying it...it's the best thing I've ever heard.

He only says "Momma" when he's getting sleepy or is fussy and wants to be picked up....so you can be sure that he was picked up and cuddled as soon as I captured him uttering that precious word!

And here are some more videos just for the fun of it!

Be on the look-out....

2011-05-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

....the new blog look is coming SOON!

I've seen a preview, and I'm loving it! It looks very different, and I like that it's simple, clean, and elegant. I've really enjoyed the look my blog has had for the past year, but change is good, and it was time for a change.

To the mystery blog-reader who made it possible - thank you :) The new blog brings two times in our life together - life with Ayden and life with Collen and how we are living as parents to both of our boys while Ayden waits for us in Heaven.

Can't wait for you to see it!

Collen's Quirks

2011-05-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

I was looking at Collen today, and I thought, "God's sense of humor shines through in this child." Because Collen is a goofball. Those who know me would say, "Umm...he's yours isn't he?" Excuse me.....Jeremy is quite goofy, too, I'll have you know.

As he is about to turn 9 months old, Collen's personality is really shining through these days. He makes us smile...and how can you not when that little smile is shining right back at you? He makes us laugh countless times a day. And he's showing us so much about himself.

He's quite the individual, and we're learning that he has some pretty interesting quirks. Here are just a few:

- No matter what is going on....playing, eating, crying, tantrum (yes, those have arrived..small ones)....if this commercial comes on TV, he stops what he's doing and watches - eyes glued to the screen and sometimes he will mumble like he's singing along.

JG Wentworth Opera

(Sorry you can't watch it here; for some reason, it won't let me embed it...)

We were having trouble getting Collen to take his bottle yesterday, so Jeremy played the video for him on the computer, and he stopped fussing....watched the commercial, and drank his bottle. I have no idea why he loves it so much.

- He holds his ears when he is sleepy and falling asleep.

- When he is sleepy, he has to be able to touch one of us....and keep his hand on us. If one of us moves, with eyes closed, he'll reach out...grasping for one of us. (This is usually in the mornings when he ends up in our bed or if I'm riding in the backseat of the car with him.)

- He has to hold my hand to be able to fall asleep for his naps.

- He is an incredibly light sleeper (I am also) and wakes up several times during the night. (Tons of fun....but it's okay. :) I don't mind being able to check in on him through the night)

- He finds amusement in the littlest things. This morning, he wanted to play with a pair of his socks. We watched as he yelled is absolute joy and glee about those socks! We walked out of the house on our way to church with him carrying his sock, in his mouth....like a puppy dog.

- Although he finds amusement in many things, he is not easily humored. He will laugh at something 3 times, then it isn't funny anymore. We'll try to introduce it again a week or so later...nope...still not funny.

- He kisses me, but he will not kiss Jeremy.

- He LOVES the hairdryer. We have to dry his hair because it takes too long naturally, and he gets so excited!!

- He kisses himself in mirrors. :) "Kissing the baby..."

- When presented with a musical/noise-making toy, he has to look at all sides of it....and will most likely play with the back or bottom of it instead of the part that is supposed to entertain him.

- He will hold his bottle to play with it, but he will not hold it to feed himself.

- If we have a cup with a straw, he expects to be given some of the drink through the straw. We only do this with water....he loves it.

- He likes to put his mouth on our knees....and our toes. We highly discourage the toes, but sometimes he sneaks it in.

- When someones hand is held out in front of him, he will lean in expecting you to help him make a "wa, wa,wa,wa," sound. Then, he will do it himself because it's just so entertaining!

I'm telling you...he is an interesting child. He seems to learn something new every day. He's perfecting dancing these days, and he's getting so close to being able to pull up. He will get himself up on one knee while playing, but still no crawling.

He's a delight, and we love him more and more every day. :)

Just thoughts...

2011-05-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

After we lost Ayden, I didn't think I would ever smile again. I didn't want to smile, laugh, enjoy the things I used to enjoy. For the longest time, I did everything outside of our old routines because I didn't want anything to feel comfortable. I had to feel the pain and the grief to feel alive....because it was the only thing I could feel. I had a difficult time with worship when we went to church because the words to the songs would just cut so deep....and I take worship seriously...if you don't mean the words, don't sing them. And it wasn't that I didn't mean them....it was just hard to find out where I stood with it all. The same God I was singing to and praising was the One who allowed my son to pass away....the One who allowed us to face such tragedy...the One who knew this would be my life before I was even thought of. It's a lot to process, so it took some time for me to come back into "normal" - whatever that is. I guess you create a new normal and life just pulls you along with it. And that's where we are now....moving along...living in the new normal but perfectly aware that our "normal" is not typical.

Pieces of the old Lindsay still come out....more with each passing day. I smile, laugh, and worship (still through tears a lot of the time....) and have come to a good place...a good balance. Time and patience and just letting God work on me brought me further than I ever thought I'd come. And a little boy named Collen...he gets a lot of the credit, too. Grief is still very much a part of my life. Ayden is a part of everything we do....he is always with us. The love and connection I share with him is still so real and alive....and it grows stronger every day.

Normal is no longer possible when you've experienced such a loss. For the first year, I walked around lost....feeling like I'd never feel like I fit anywhere again. Life has a way of pulling you along whether you like it or not, and as time passes, you develop new routines and new ways of making it through the day. I still deal with a lot of fear....especially when it comes to Collen. I am terrified of losing him. And it's hard not to bargain with God...to plead for Him to protect Collen even if it isn't His plan. But I know I can't do that. I know that I have to accept God's plan as His will. It's beyond my understanding, and it is not for me to question. Where we are now is where God wants us to be. Now, I may not always like that, but again....it's not in my control. And I'm at peace with that.....most of the time. It's still a work in progress....always will be I guess.

I didn't plan to share all of this. I actually came here to share some of Collen's quirks with you, but this just sort of spilled out. Check in to my next post for the intended information. :)

I pray that those of you who are experience loss and tragedy will be gentle with yourselves. There is no magic button that fixes it all. It takes time, and time can not heal this wound. It will be with us forever. But you find a way to live with it....you find a way to keep moving. Let yourself grieve. Deal with how you and your beliefs have been affected. Cling to hope, and seek peace. It's hard. It will leave you feeling beaten. You'll experience plenty of "one step forward, two steps back" moments. You have to let yourself go through the process and find your balance. And your "normal" is just that - yours. Hold on.....just hold on.

Collen's Easter Photos

2011-05-11T18:01:00.000-07:00

We had Collen's Easter photos done a few weeks ago by our friend Lauren. She is a talented photographer and a great, great friend. Lauren did some photos of Ayden when he was 4 weeks old, and she also took pictures for us at his memorial service. She is a very close friend, and she was and has been such a comfort and reassuring voice through losing Ayden, the grief, and welcoming Collen into our lives. It's such a blessing to have such friends in your life...and we've been blessed with a lot of them!

I think the Easter photos turned out beautifully! We decided to do them in Ayden's garden at our church's playground. It's a place where we as a family feel more complete, and it's somewhere we want Collen to connect with his brother.

Take a look! I couldn't include them all, but these are some of my favorites. I can't believe how big he's getting! The little stinker is trying to pull up these days.....and he learned how to dance today. :) Never a dull moment, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My third Mother's Day

2011-05-09T17:27:00.000-07:00

My first Mother's Day was May 2009 - Ayden had just been born and was only a few weeks old. Needless to say, I was in heaven! Having a healthy, sweet, perfect baby boy to share my first Mother's day with was the cherry on top of the perfect little life we were living. Ayden taught me so much about being a mother....in 4 short months....he taught me so much. The connection between mother and child is indescribable. I remember the moments Ayden and I shared...just me and him...when I would get lost in those moments...almost like we were one person existing together. That's the best way I can describe it. Being a first-time mother is very different than subsequent children. The connection is still there, and it is still strong, but doing it all for the first time....feeling it all for the first time...it's amazing. I knew what he needed; I knew how to soothe him, comfort him, make him feel safe, and I knew how to make him smile, laugh, and coo away. That first Mother's Day was so, so special, and I'm so thankful that I got to spend it with Ayden.

Me, my mom, and Ayden - Mother's Day 2009

May 2010 - My second Mother's Day. Last year was a hard year...to say the least. Ever holiday was our first without Ayden. This was my first Mother's Day without him. It seemed so cruel to face a holiday meant for mothers when my child wasn't there to share it with me. I found comfort at that time in my pregnancy with Collen. I was 5 months pregnant with him, and feeling every kick and jab was a happy reminder of the joy to come....a reminder that I was still a mother. I was a mother to a beautiful baby boy and his little brother on the way. Still, it was difficult to face that day without Ayden, but I spent that time so thankful for him and the joy he brought to my life as a mother. Ayden changed me in so many ways. Losing him changed me in many more ways. In his life and his death, he has taught me so much. Last Mother's Day was a time of reflecting on it all...the good, the bad, what was to come....and trying to see goodness beyond the grief and the tears.

May 8, 2011 - My third Mother's Day. This year, Mother's Day was definitely bittersweet, but it was so much better than last year....emotions-wise. This was my first (technically second) with Collen, and boy did he make it such a great day. I spent a lot of the day (amidst the rushing around and visiting with family) reflecting on the past three years and how thankful I am that God blessed me with my two boys. Mother's Day will always bring with it a sting of pain...as most holidays do. I look at pictures of me and Collen, especially our Mother's Day picture, and I always see the little boy who should also be there....the big brother whose blue eyes should be shining back in those pictures.

But then I wonder....would his little brother be with us if God's plan had not been carried out. Very complicated to think about. I try not to ponder it too much, but it's a reality we can't deny.....

I feel a lot of guilt at times when the happy days far outweigh the sad ones. When I get so caught up in our present and how happy we are again.....that I don't break into tears when I think of Ayden. But I think that has a lot to do with time....and understanding the loss and working through the grief....and living in hope rather than dwelling on the loss. There are still hard days, plenty of them, and I know the guilt is more of my own doing than being true to what should be.

Who knows what next Mother's Day will bring. I look forward to sharing many, many more with Collen...telling him all about his brother and the day he made me a mother for the first time. Telling him about everything his brother taught me about being a mommy...so he can understand why I love then both so, so much.

My mom, me, and Collen - Mother's Day 2011

"Mother's Day is a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back ~ Erma Bombeck

Another day further....another day closer

2011-05-05T18:43:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I used further in the right context there. I know, what kind of English teacher am I? I also don't use lay, lie, and laid in the correct context....always having to look that one up. And apparently, I end my sentences with prepositions....

The other day, we had a scare with Collen. It was nothing....I think, but it terrified me. We were driving home; he was asleep in his carseat; all of a sudden, we heard this gasp and then a loud, scared cry afterwards. Whatever it was, it scared Collen terribly. More than likely, he had a little too much saliva in his mouth (he was sucking on his paci), he swallowed it while breathing....it "went down the wrong way" and it caused him to gasp. But....we don't know for sure. My first thought (fear) was that he had stopped breathing for a moment, realized it, and then gasped for air. Needless to say, I went into silent panic mode. I tried to hide it, but images of Ayden flashed in my mind, and I was re-living August 25th all over again.

Some nights, we don't put Collen's apnea monitor on because he falls asleep before we can get it on him. That night, oh....he wore that monitor, and he's worn it every night ever since. We're slowly phasing the monitor out because he is moving around a lot more in his crib, and I really don't like that cord being in the crib as he's becoming more mobile. Most nights, he stays away from it, but some nights he gets turned completly around to the end of the crib that the cord is on.

Anyway....

I went to bed that night watching him like a hawk....wondering what had happened....was it just
"one of those things" or was it somethiing that I really needed to be concerned about...something we needed to watch? When you've lost a child to something that is such a mystery....there's no such thing as worrying over nothing.

Since then, he has seemed fine. He has slept fine, and he hasn't had any more "episodes."

As I said, that one little moment took me back to Ayden and everything that happened. It seems like so long ago, yet it hasn't even been 2 years. I wish I didn't feel so distanced from it. Sometimes it all seems like a dream....as if I dreamed it all....as we move farther away from it, it becomes less real. And that makes me so sad....so, so sad. It's difficult, at times, for me to see myself as Ayden and Collen's mom. It's almost like it was two different existences.....two different lives. One life was really, really, incredibly happy. The other is still very happy, but not so innocent anymore....bruised and painful amidst the happiness.

It's hard to put all of that into words that really explain what I'm trying to say. Don't misunderstand me....I'm not forgetting anything....and I'm not becoming desensitized. But time keeps moving forward and as much as I don't want to sometimes....we keep moving with it. What happened is now left to memories. Vivid...hard...intense....memories. I don't relive the memories every day as I once did. They flash in when triggered by a comment...a question ("is this your first Mother's Day" being the most recent)....or news of another loss. Joy is back in our lives, so the hurt isn't a constant anymore. Most people would be glad of that, and I am...so happy to have joy back in our lives....but with grief becoming less intense, it feels like I'm letting it all slip away...letting the pain fade. I guess I just have to find the balance. I want to keep some of the pain because it helps me hold on to what we've been through....and it helps me feel connected to Ayden because joy and pain are intertwined with our memories of him.....but I also realize it's okay to let myself feel happiness again....without feeling guilty about it.

We have come a long way in 21 months. We have learned how to keep moving, even when we didn't want to. We have learned how to rely on our faith even when we felt betrayed by God. We have taken a leap of faith in trusting God to bless us with another child....and balancing ourselves between fear and trust as we let God fulfill His purpose with this child as we asked Him to do with Ayden....even though we had no idea His purpose would mean living life without him. I still think of Ayden every day. I still hurt and ache in his absence. I still wish he was here. But I have come into the mindset of hope.....and living with the promise that with each passing day, we're one day further from the hurt and one day closer to Heaven and holding our baby boy again.

I am the proud mother of Ayden Brooks Jones and Collen Brooks Jones. I have two separate memories of motherhood with both of them, but they are forever joined as brothers. My boys have brought me joy beyond belief. Motherhood is a privilege and an honor. It's a hard job, and to have been chosen to take on the task is quite humbling. God entrusted me with the well-being of two beautiful boys (and hopefully one or more children to come), and I will, in turn, do all I can to be a mother who lives her love for the Lord, showing her children what it means to walk in faith.

Job Search

2011-05-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to go back to work after the summer. After we lost Ayden, I told Jeremy that I couldn't put another child in day care. So, when we found out we were pregnant again, we started saving up. We had to save enough to get us through a year, and somehow....we did it. We saved up enough to keep me home for a year.

Well, that year (and that money) is coming to an end in August. :(

So, I'm on a job search. The this is, though, I have no idea what I want to do. I have a bachelors degree in English Education (grades 9-12), and I have a masters degree in Library Science, and I am a licensed Media Coordinator (school librarian). I would LOVE to use my masters degree, BUT finding a media position is very difficult. It's one of those positions that once you get into it....you stay in it....until you retire. There are two openings in our county for next year, but I will more than likely NOT be considered for them. Why, you ask? Our county is cutting positions for this coming school year. Some of those cuts will be current media coorindators, and they have to place them before considering a "new employee"...which I completely understand.

So, my next option is to find a teaching position. But....with the cuts....do I really want to be faced with a classroom of up to 45 students?? The job cuts are going to drive up classroom sizes, and as much as I love what I do....with a pay freeze and being one person responsible for 45....it sounds incredibly daunting to me.

I've sent my resume to several principals....in our county and surrounding counties. I probably won't know anything, teaching-position-wise, until August because principals don't even know their budgets or allotments, yet.

I've also applied for other positions....one with the NC Department of Instruction (long shot, but I thought I'd give it a try). I've applied for a public library position as well as a position with the library at our local university. And I applied for a job in the city clerk's office as deputy clerk. I think I would actually like this position; I hope and pray they at least consider me. It would mean a 12-month job (ooohh...no summers off....hhhmmmm) but I like the idea of doing something different.

Really, I'll be happy to find something...anything with a salary that will help support our family. I wish teachers' pay was enough to allow me to stay home, but it isn't.

As far as childcare goes for Collen, we don't have anything lined up....yet. I would LOVE for my mom to come keep him during the day. She is still working, but could retire....if offered a lay-off package from her job. She's actually hoping for that (and me too), because she would love nothing more than to keep Collen for us. She would have an hour-long drive every day, but we'd work something out. She has her own room at our house as it is, so she could just sleep over a few nights a week. ;)

I know that everything will work out. God has a plan, and He's working on it right now. I'm trying not to stress too much. I'm so going to miss being home with Collen. If I did the online tutoring full time, I could still work it out, but it just isn't possible to do it full time. Collen requires too much of my attention. Plus, that pay would have us breaking even each month. We really need to be putting money into savings and having extra for emergencies.

Looking forward to seeing where God leads me next and being prayerful for His will and my obedience!

2011-05-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

I was hesitant to post my thoughts, but I figured....it's my blog....and I've felt strongly about it since the news came out, so here I go. Short and sweet.

When I first heard the news....that Osama had finally been brought down....my reaction was not one of excitement, rejoicing, or celebration. Yes, I might have felt a bit of relief....who wouldn't? But I kept hearing the word "jubilation" being used (a word I use and love in relation to God....seemed so unfitting in this situation)....news about people gathering to celebrate Osama's death. All I could think was, "God must be shaking his head at all of this.....saying, "When are you going to get it?"

I understand that I have my own beliefs that may not necessarily be someone elses's beliefs, and that's perfectly fine. I'm happy to agree to disagree and go on as if nothing happened. This is just how I feel about it all.

I feel hesitant to celebrate the death of a man who more than likely didn't know God. A man who, as evil as he was, was loved by God just as I am. It saddens me.

Yes, I know what Osama Bin Laden did. I remember every moment of September 11, 2001. I remember the fear I felt and the anguish on the faces of the families who lost loved ones. Osama's death brought justice and closure to the lives of those families.

I can't really word everything I want to say, and I know that a lot of probably don't see my point of view. And that's okay. :) These are just my thoughts. A friend of mine posted two scriptures today that I'd like to share. They struck me - they are verses I've read so many times, and as soon as I read them, I thought, "This is just what I was looking for to put words to what I was feeling."

"...I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live..." Ezekiel 33:11

"Do not rejoice when your enemy falls." Proverbs 24:17

I am proud of our troops. I am proud of our country. I am proud to be an American. I am proud to be a child of God.

My prayers are with our troops, their families, our country, and our freedom. My prayers are also with foreign missionaries and christians abroad who could be targeted as a result. Retaliation is a looming fear....

I've been trying to grasp my beliefs and thoughts on all of this since I heard the news, and as a Christian, this is where I stand.

Here's a blog that I thought worded it all so eloquently: http://www.johnstumbo.org/blog/index.php?/archives/243-Obama-Gets-Osama.html

"That's all I got to say about that."

Ayden's 2nd Birthday {In Pictures}

2011-05-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

8 Months Old (a little late)

2011-05-02T05:46:00.001-07:00

Collen is EIGHT MONTHS old!!

It's so hard to believe we're already at the 8 month mark....and getting closer to one year old every day.

At 8 months old, Collen seems to be learning so many new things! Here are a few of the new things going on with Collen:

- He will clap his hands when prompted to.

- When we say, "Where is the light?" He looks up (even outside) for the light.

- He will give Mommy kisses....and sometimes Daddy. :)

- Collen can feed himself puffs, butterbeans....pretty much anything that fits in his little hand.

- He's getting closer to crawling, but I'm thinking he may just skip it altogether. He'll get on his knees but quickly go down to his belly.

- Sometimes he will "wave" bye-bye.....it's still kind of random.

- He is experimenting with all kinds of sounds. He hasn't put "da-da" together, yet, but he's saying - da, ba, aahh, ooo, wa, ya.....pretty much any vowel sound and he likes to add a "t" sound to the end of a lot of his sounds.

Collen is still a good eater when it comes to solids. We've worked out a good routine for formula, and I'm getting him to take about 20 ounces a day (woo! That's a triumph!).

He has recently started sleeping much better at night. Most nights he wakes up once or twice just for a paci replacement and to have his head rubbed, then he goes right back to sleep. He usually goes to bed around 8pm, and then he wakes up ready to play at 6:30! He used to sleep until 8.....these early mornings mean a struggling mommy.....but I love our morning playtimes.

This week, Collen has really begun to show his individuality. He can throw a tantrum in a second if you take something away that he shouldn't have....or if you lay him down when he doesn't want to be laid down (ie - diaper changes). Whew....the kicking and flailing and throwing that head back.....I'm left saying, "Where in the world did this come from???" Hopefully, he'll get it out of his system now, and toddlerhood will be nice and cooperative. ( I know....wishful thinking) We're taking all of this in stride, though. He has to learn that there are boundaries, and that he can't have everything he wants. I just never thought he'd express himself so soon! :)

Collen is silly, friendly, and so loving. He makes our life so incredibly happy!! We love watching him grow and learn and grow into his little personality. We thank God every day for blessing us with this sweet little miracle. :)

Thank you

2011-04-27T19:19:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for your prayers, thoughts, emails, and messages as we remembered Ayden's birthday today.

We've seen so many pictures, already, of balloons going up in celebration of Ayden's birthday! I've read your emails, comments, facebook messages/comments, text messages, etc.

We are truly blessed to have so many wonderful, thoughtful people in our lives who love Ayden and join us in celebrating his life!

I've included a video....I just couldn't resist. This is from my friend Cari, who I met, through reading her blog and her own story of loss, after we lost Ayden. She has since become a dear friend. I had to include her video because it was too sweet not to. Thank you Cari, Andy, Caden, Rigg, and Ryder! And thank you all so much for joining us in remembering Ayden today....and always.

A birthday letter

2011-04-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

Dear sweet Ayden,

Happy 2nd Birthday sweetheart. I can hardly believe it has been two years. Two years since our lives were blessed by the birth of you, our sweet, beautiful first child. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I can recall everything - the events of the day before and the day of your birth, the smells, the excitement, the fear, and the elation. We prayed and hoped for you so, so much Ayden. I used to tell you that all the time...about how much we wanted you and loved you....even before you were born...even before we knew about you. You were already ours, and boy did God do an awesome job in choosing you for us....and us for you. We were a perfect match, werent't we buddy?

But, God didn't quite prepare us for the rest of the journey. Well, not in our minds, anyway. However, looking back, he was preparing us for the day He would take you home. We prayed so fervently over you, and we didn't waste a second we spent with you. God put it upon us to consider life without you, which made us live life with you without taking a single moment for granted. I can remember so much. So many memories are still fresh and vivid....like they happened yesterday. I remember your warmth as I held you for the first time, and that sweet...brand-new baby smell. I can hear your soft, airy coos as you would "talk" to me about your day and everything you were soaking in. I remember your laugh and how happy you ALWAYS were. And I remember our morning snuggles....just me and you....and the weight of you lying on my chest as you slept.

2 years is a long time to go without those things. 2 hours is a long time.....2 years feels like an eternity. I say it seems like yesterday, but at the same time, it seems like forever ago since I held you, kissed you, saw you smile.....and saw those big, bright, blue eyes. Some days, I feel like I can't go another day.....sometimes I beg Jesus to come back....to please make me whole again. I'm not "me" without you, Ayden. And that's so hard. But I know it's part of this.....this plan....this life. Sorrow fills this life, but joy is coming. And when it comes, you'd better bet I'll be running for you. I can't wait to hear about everything you've been doing. I imagine you up there....having a huge birthday celebration! I asked God to tell you how much we love you, especially on your special day, and to give you a big birthday hug from mommy and daddy. I ache to be able to hold you again....but knowing that you're in the arms of Jesus brings comfort to this mommy's heart.

Your little brother will know about you, Ayden. Oh yes....he will know all about you. And in turn, he will learn so much about the love we have for both of you. We love the two of you more than I ever imagined possible. This kind of love is scary....because we know too well that a parent's heart can be shattered, and the pieces never go back together again. But we want you and Collen (and any future siblings....possibly) to know that we are better because of you. This scary love.....this breath-taking love....it fills us to the brim, and it brings us so much joy because you're ours! You're our pride....our joy....our heart...our whole life. You're our purpose, and although our plan wasn't God's plan, and although we've had to endure the ultimate in pain and loss.....you were still here. You were born, we held you in our arms, we comforted you, we made you laugh and smile, and we love you, and we felt the love you have for us. What a gift! What a blessing! What a miracle!

And that love remains. You aren't with us physically, but we feel you with us every day. My heart knows you're here with us. There are moments when I feel you so close.....so close I think I could reach out and grab you. I grow more and more in love with you each day. That will never change. You'll always be my baby boy. You'll always be my Ayden. And I will share your story as long as I have breath. You're so special, Ayden. God's purpose for you is still being fulfilled, and I'm so proud to call you my son.

So many people are remembering you today. You are loved and cherished. It's amazing how many have been touched by YOU and God using your story!

We love you, Ayden. We miss you more than you'll ever know. I have a long list of "I wish"es for today, but I know you're having the mose awesome birthday celebration imaginable.

I will see you soon....

Happy Birthday sweet boy.

Oh, Lord....come quickly.

2 years ago...

2011-04-26T07:39:00.001-07:00

Ayden's journey began. I woke up this morning around 3am, just as I did 2 years ago. That morning, though, was such a special morning. It was my birthday, and Ayden had begun his journey! It was the best birthday gift I could have ever been given....sharing the day with my little boy, in anxious anticipation of his arrival. Would he be born on my birthday? Would we share this day for the rest of our lives? When, oh when, would I get to hold my little boy!? Well....we went through the day, celebrated my birthday, and still....no baby, yet. We finally made enough progress to get to the hospital that night, but as you all know....Ayden waited to be born on his own day, which is tomorrow, the 27th.

As I laid in bed, awake and reliving 2 years ago, I just couldn't believe where we are today. It's hard not to dwell on the sadness of it all - that he's not here; that we won't be celebrating with cake or presents or little friends; that Collen will never know his big brother as we know him. I've already shed tears today, and I'm sure plenty more will follow. But....even in the midst of the sadness, there is joy. Ayden was here. He was alive. He IS beautiful and such a sweet, sweet baby boy. He changed our lives, and he will live on with us forever. I laid in bed actually thanking God that I have the assurance of seeing Ayden again. He is living in glory, ultimate joy, and experiencing Heaven with our Father and with Christ. Oh, how I envy him. As much as I would love to have him here (you just don't even know...), part of me is able to see the bigger picture and be thankful that Ayden was spared from this world and the ugly, scary stuff that comes along with it. But, oh how I'd love for him to be here with me....to hug him, kiss him, learn about him, read to him, see that bright smile again.

We will be releasing balloons tomorrow as a family at Ayden's spot. It will be a serene day, but I'm looking forward to honoring and remembering Ayden on his day tomorrow. It's so hard to believe it has been 2 years....

Ayden in my belly....a week before he was born

The day my life changed forever (the first time)

Priceless gifts

2011-04-18T18:15:00.001-07:00

First....I'd like for you all to see just how big Collen has gotten SO QUICKLY! I can't believe how much he's doing these days. He's associating words with things - like when we say "light" he looks up at the light. When we say, "yay!!" he claps his hands together. He will pull your hand to his mouth so you can make him go "ba, ba, ba, ba." I promise you he said "light" the other day....in his own way....it came out, "aaa-tt"....but he was clearly saying it while looking at the light. He still isn't crawling, but every day I can see that he's getting closer.

Aaahh....I just love him to pieces. He's such a sweet baby. Collen happens to have a cold at the moment. Please say a quick little prayer that he gets over it quickly. His stuffy nose is interfering with sleep, and he wakes up crying....not understanding why he can't sleep.

NOW...on to the point of my post. This post is actually WAY overdue, and I really have no other excuse other than I just haven't been able to get to it.

Around Christmas-time, one of my former students came to visit, and she had a gift with her (and she brought me breakfast!!! She spoils me). I figured it was for Collen. I certainly didn't expect anything for myself. She gave me the gift and asked me to open it. What I found took my breath away. There, together, were my two boys in the same frame. Tears flooded my eyes to see them side by side....as they should be. She had had someone sketch both of them together from two pictures. It truly captures both of them so well....Ayden with his soft features - light hair, fair skin, sweet face and Collen with his bolder features - dark hair, darker complexion, and his sweet face as well. I will forever treasure this gift. I look at it often and take a moment to look at my boys side by side....something I'll never have in this lifetime, but I can have it this way at least.

A blog reader contacted me while I was pregnant with Collen saying she wanted to do something special for his room. She asked about his bedding/the theme for his nursery, so I sent her a link to the bedding we chose. We went with a sailboats theme with bold colors - navy blue, red, green, yellow. I had no idea what she was working on. She contacted me later in my pregnancy to tell me it was finished! It happened to be at the time when we were living with my parents while waiting for our house to close, so my sister went to pick it up. Megan (my sister) told me how beautiful it was and how it brought her to tears right there in the McAllister's parking lot. I couldn't wait to see it, but then again....knowing it would make me emotional...I was a little nervous.

When I opened the gift and found what was inside, I was blown away. It was so, so beautiful, and I couldn't believe how well the artist had captured the theme of Collen's room! She did such a great job, and it is now the main piece in the room. It's one of the first things people see when they walk in, and they always ask about it and walk over to look at it.

In the middle is a poem titled, "My Guardian Angel." The middle picture is a close-up of the poem; it should be readable. If it isn't, let me know, and I'll edit this post and type the poem out.

I LOVE this gift so much, and it is such a treasure. So many of you have been too kind. We've received baby gifts from many of you....some all the way from England! I have been humbled by your kindness, generosity, and love. You have walked this road with us through tragedy, hard days, good days, happy anticipation of a new life, and now our newfound joy in Collen as we continue grieve the loss of his big brother. We anxiously wait for the day when we'll all be together....when we'll never have to say goodbye again.

Thank you all for loving us so much! We love you right back!

Check out the pictures of the canvas below....

Where have I been??

2011-04-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

To my faithful readers (and to know that I actually do have faithful readers is just so humbling...).....I promise, I'm still here.

I was trying to fall asleep last night (takes a while....) and reviewing my day in my head....and I thought, "Wow...I haven't blogged in a while." I wouldn't say my life is so boring I just don't have anything to write about, but really....we're just doing the same old thing these days. Yesterday, I realized that Collen and I hadn't gotten out of the house for 4 days...FOUR DAYS!! No two people should be cooped up that long! So, we got out. Getting both of us ready is a feat in and of itself....he ended up getting a bath while I showered. (Hey...two birds...one stone...worked well) Because these days, he doesn't let me out of his sight without a major fit quickly following. *sigh*

We're still working on sleeping. It broke my heart to do it...I said I wouldn't....but I had to let him cry it out the other night. I felt like such a terrible mom. He wakes up several times in the night and it's just because he needs to know that I haven't left him. Usually, I'll pick him up, snuggle him a little, then lay him back down and he's good....he goes right back to sleep. Well, this one night in particular, that method didn't work. As soon as I laid him down, he was crying again. Mind you....this was after midnight, and I hadn't been asleep yet....I was more than tired and so ready to go to sleep. So, I finally laid him down and then laid myself down. He is still in our room (because he's still on the apnea monitor), so he was only a few feet away. I told Jeremy, "He's just going to have to cry. He has to learn how to sleep on his own." Really, at almost 8 months old, he's old enough to learn how to. So, he cried....and cried....and cried...for 20 minutes. It felt like hours. He sounded more mad than upset, but I knew that eventually, he would give up, and he did. He slept the rest of the night after that. Last night, he woke up around 9:45....same deal....had to let him cry....he let out 4 big cries, rolled over to his side....and went back to sleep. He didn't wake up until 6:30 this morning!!!! IN HIS OWN BED!!! I think we're getting somewhere people!!

Now, I have to tackle nap time. I'm going to go ahead and confess....he naps in our bed....with me next to him. A while back, when napping was our big issue, this was the only way he would nap. It didn't bother me, because it gave me a chance to rest. Well, now that he's older and associating more things....he needs to associate his crib with napping instead of our bed. :( This one is going to be tough because he naps so easily in our bed. I may have to tackle this one next week....ugh...dreading it.

This morning, Collen woke up with a fever of 101.3. He had no other symptoms, just a fever and acting puny. So, I called the doctor's office to get him in and have him checked out. I was sure he probably had an ear infection, and so was the doctor, but she checked him, and he was fine. So, not sure where that came from, but he's acting fine....playing and eating well....wants his mommy just a little more than usual, but who doesn't when they're not feeling all that well?

So, that's what's been going on in our little life. Aside from all of this busyness.....Ayden's birthday is on our minds 24/7. I keep forgetting that my birthday is coming up....people keep asking me what I want to do....and really, I don't care about my birthday. I don't know that my birthday will ever be all that important to me again....because now, in my mind, it's just..."the day before Ayden's birthday." He's not here for me to celebrate with, plan with, sing to.....get excited for.....the only thing I can do is honor him on HIS day....which means my day really doesn't hold weight anymore....because in my mind, I always go back to, "This day (my birthday) 2 years ago....I was in labor, anxiously anticipating the arrival of our first baby." When Ayden started his journey on my birthday 2 years ago....it wasn't my day anymore....it became his day...forever. And I'm happy with that. It's a connection we'll always share. It's hard....and my birthday is very bittersweet....but my birthday holds a dear meaning for Ayden and myself...something we'll always share. So, with that said....needless to say, my mind is moving in a million directions these days. Enjoying Collen and the huge blessing he is in our lives every single day.....oh, and looking for a new job for the coming school year (stressfull!!!)....and anticipating yet another birthday without my precious Ayden. It's enough to engulf even the best of multi-taskers.

Most days, I have moments where I'm completely shut off from what's happening at that moment...I kind of drift off....thinking about the fact that 2 years ago, he was born....and what he would be like now....and how desperately I miss him. Then, I come back and am back in the moment again. I guess it's my heart and mind's way of processing it...little by little. I hope you are all doing well. Spring break is almost upon us (next Thursday starts Jeremy's), and I'm so looking forward to having Jeremy home. Maybe we can actually get some things accomplished around here! (mwuahaha....he thought he was going to get a break.....ha!)

If you would, please pray for some dear friends of ours. One of my dearest childhood friends (he and I were Mary and Joseph EVERY SINGLE YEAR in the church Christmas play...for about 12 years) has just been deployed to Afghanistan for a year. He and his family are stationed in Alaska. Waiting for him at home are his wife and his 3 boys. I've followed their journey through his wife's blog and facebook postings, and I know...for me...how heart-wrenching it has been to anticipate this day alongside them....I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for his wife and his boys. They are faithful believers and they have carefully planned and prepared themselves for this, but even with the best of preparations....it's still hard. Please pray for his safety and the safety of those who have been deployed with him, and please pray for his family as well as the families of the soldiers he is serving with. Their service is so appreciated.

Collen's laughs

2011-04-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

Collen has a pretty cute laugh...if I say so myself. :)

He doesn't let it out often, but sometimes, I can get him going. This video is the tail-end of his giggles for tonight....then it fades into a little fussing. I get the best laughs out of him when he's sleepy, but then he quickly lets me know he's had enough. You'll get to see him give it back to me....and also wave bye-bye. :)

And...don't mind me....no makeup, looking tired.....just pay attention to the cute baby.

Figuring him out...

2011-04-08T06:47:00.000-07:00

I guess Collen is a typical guy already.....just can't figure him out sometimes. :) Thank you all for you advice and suggestions! I'm so happy to tell you that his milk intake has been much better the past few days. I'm not stressing over it.....just letting him cue me in when he wants it. I've been waiting to give him his bottle before nap times, and he gets his last big bottle before bed. He takes a bottle much easier when he's sleepy. There has been less fighting him....and more of him taking the bottle more willingly. I'm thinking teething may have had something to do with it because he is a lot less fussy these days, too. I'm telling you...if it's not one thing, it's something else! haha His sleep has been some better....woke up 3 times last night. That's the minimum. I think he's having some separation anxiety issues. He'll wake up and not go back to sleep unless I pick him up. I've tried patting his bottom, stroking his face, patting his back, but he's having none of that! But once I pick him up and snuggle him a little bit, he's back to sleep and will let me lay him back down - takes all of 5 minutes. He's got a thing for his mommy.... Thank you all again...so much!!! You definitely helped me feel less stressed, and I didn't feel so unusual after reading your experiences!

Has anyone else had this issue?

2011-04-04T18:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sure we aren't the only parents who have faced this issue with their infant, but it seems so backwards. Collen will NOT drink his milk. Well....he doesn't flat out refuse it, but he won't drink much of it...at all. I'm used to babies sucking down bottles like they're going to be taken away from them!! But ever since we started solids, Collen has been elusive when the bottle has been presented to him.

He is now on formula only. (:(....makes me sad) I tried to keep up, but my body just wouldn't let me. I was on Reglan, trying to boost my supply, but as soon as I stopped using the Reglan, it would drop right back down. For a while, I pumped and supplemented with formula, but then it became difficult to keep up with Collen and find time to pump during the day. So, I had to make the difficult decision to switch him over completely. I think it was harder for me than for him.

Anyway, so the formula doesn't seem to be disagreeing with him. He is on the Target brand of formula, and he actually does better with that than Similac (wooo...saves some major $$$!!) For awhile, he was doing great...taking 6oz per bottle, about 4-5 times a day. And that was with 2 meals a day of solids. For some reason, though, he just won't take in the volume he once did. I'm lucky if I get 20oz in him a day.

Usually, he will take about 5oz in the morning when he wakes up. Throughout the day, I offer him bottles in about 4 hour intervels, (with a snack bottle in the afternoon) and the most I can get him to take is about 3oz with each bottle. By the time 5 o'clock rolls around, he might have had 10oz...maybe 12. He will usually get a big bottle in (6oz) before bed. So, most days, he's getting anywhere from 18-22oz or so.

It's so strange to me, and the micromanager in me starts to become frazzled because I have a number in my head all day....a minimum (I believe the minimum he should be getting is 24oz)...and if hasn't reached the minimum, I start stressing out.

I'm trying to just go by his cues and feed him when he wants it. He isn't dehydrated, he has enough wet diapers, he has plenty of drool. Hopefully, this is just a phase, and he'll get back to taking larger amounts soon.

Still....I have never heard of a baby NOT wanting a bottle....crazy!! I tell him all the time, he's missing out on some good stuff (although, I have no idea how he drinks that stuff...yuck). I don't know if it's teething related or not. He doesn't seem to be bothered by teething, but then again....it's hard to really KNOW when they can't tell you what's wrong. But, if it's his top teeth, I would think it could be a factor because I would imagine those are tough.

He still isn't sleeping well. He wakes up several times throughout the night. I have toyed around with giving him a bottle later in the night....around 11 or so. That was when I wasn't able to get him to take a good bottle before bed. That seemed to help, but he still woke up 3 or 4 times. I'm hoping this is a phase, too....because I stay exhausted. He times it perfectly - as soon as I've gotten comfortable and almost asleep....he wakes up. Makes for a long night.

If any of you have experienced this or happen to have some insight....it's all welcome. :)

April is here.

2011-04-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

Just like *that* - it's April.

In 25 days, he would be celebrating his 2nd birthday.

We would be celebrating our birthdays together....just a day apart.

I would see him blow out his candles, run around and play with his friends, open the tons of presents he would have gotten, kissed sweet, icing-covered cheeks, and given big hugs to my big boy. If only he were here.

All of the would-have-beens are getting to me.

I drift between anger and extreme sadness....and just wishing he was still here.

It's incredibly unfair. I've never claimed to but completely into the whole "there was a purpose" outlook. Part of me knows, and tries to believe that, but the other part of me....the mother who lost her baby....the mother who had to hear the words no mother should ever be told....the young woman who lost so much innocence that day....that part of me just stomps and yells and says, it just isn't fair. I want so badly to just feel the weight of him in my arms again....to hear his sweet, soft voice (which is so different from his brother's deep, husky voice)....to cuddle him against my chest as he slept....to see that smile one more time.

I see pictures of my friends' children...pictures of their first, second, third year....birthday parties....documenting their lives. I let out a big sigh because all I have is 4 months. 4 months of pictures and videos. I'll never have another new picture or video of him. No update. Only 4 months....it's just not enough. Then again, 100 years wouldn't be enough....when it's your child. April is a hard month. And it only gets harder as the 27th approaches. I want to focus on celebrating instead of mourning, but that's easier said than done when the child you're celebrating isn't here to receive it all.

************************

Grieving has been strange since Collen has joined us. I continue to grieve; I'll grieve for the rest of my life. But, I haven't been able to allow myself to grieve as freely as I once could because he does occupy so much of my time. You know the saying, "Teaching is 90% performance."? Well, sometimes, parenting has to be performance. You have to put on a strong face, or a happy face (in the midst of whining, crying, fit-throwing), and you have to put on a calm face in the midst of worry or stress. I guess that type of performance is protection....but anyway...you get what I'm saying. I've had to comparmentalize my grief, so now when I let it out, it rushes out because it has been held back for so long. Those are hard, hard days.

A 2nd child doesn't fix anything...in case anyone was wondering. A 2nd child doesn't make it easier. But a 2nd child keeps you busy, and you're able to put your mommy skills to work....skills you definitely don't take for granted. Collen isn't Ayden.....not by a long shot, so I definitely feel his absence. In the mornings, when Collen is still sleeping, I lie in bed watching him and listening.....imaging hearing Ayden stirring across the house in his room. Wondering what life would be like with both of them and knowing it would be so beautifully complete.

*******************************

So, April is here, and it will push us forward whether we like it or not.

At least we're another April closer to being with Ayden again. In that, I can find some comfort.

Not so much going on...

2011-03-27T16:56:00.001-07:00

Have you ever gone through the day and at the end of the day you just feel beat up....exhausted....and then you look back over the day you really didn't do so much? Or at least, it feels like you didn't do so much. That has been my whole week. I have just felt so run down and I look over my week, and it was filled with a lot of playtime and attention for/towards Collen, running a few errands, not cooking much dinner, one day of cleaning, and lots of My So Called Life watching on Netflix (Anyone else remember that show from back in the day?!).

I go to bed every night feeling so wiped out, but it doesn't seem like I did a whole lot over the course of the day. I guess a little person sure can take a lot out of you.

Oh yeah, I guess it could be that this little person doesn't sleep well at night. I seem to forget that little tidbit. Collen has slept in our bed several times this week because he just won't get settled in his crib. He'll roll to his stomach, wake up and be mad; I'll give him his paci; he'll be appeased for about 20 minutes; then he's awake and crying again. This happens over and over and over again.....and boy is it exhausting.

My days (nights, really) are about to get even busier. I've started my online tutoring, which has been pretty good so far. I went into this thinking I was supposed to be tutoring 3rd-6th graders, which I thought, "Ok....3-6 grade math....I think I can handle that. Then, at my session yesterday, I get high schoolers....math....oh, and I freaked out. At the beginning of my session, I looked over the math work, and I see dun-dun-duhhhhh.....fractions. Not my strong point.....(well, any kind of math isn't my strong point....)

So, I run to get Jeremy (who is laying down with Collen as he's napping) and terrified, I say, "HELP ME!!!" So, he came into the other room and coached me as I tutored this student. ughh....my heart was racing the entire time.

Luckily, my next session was reading and 2nd grade math. I handled that one pretty well. :)

Jeremy is making out a quiz for me as I type this.....I've been practicing and brushing up on my math since my near heart attack.

I'll be tutoring every night now. So far, I like it, but even 2 hours of tutoring is hard to juggle with everything else going on. We'll see how long it lasts. The tutoring is seasonal, so once May rolls around, it may get slow, which I will gladly welcome.

********************

We've joined a new small group, which we are really enjoying. Right now we're doing the Five Love Languages. I've always wanted to go through that study with Jeremy, so once I heard this group was doing it, we made sure we joined in. It has been really interesting. I won't share our love languages here, but I will tell you that Jeremy is good at my love language, and I'm not so good at his. So, I guess I have more homework to do. I'm so glad to be back involved in a small group....a time of fellowship. My mom comes to take care of Collen so we can go, so she gets some grandson time and we get some social time with other grown ups. :) It lasts about 2 hours, which is about as long as I can stand to be away from Collen, so it works out well.

*********************

So, see....not much going on. Just enjoying life, spending time with Collen, watching him learn new things every day, balancing Collen, housework, tutoring, and life and trying to breathe through the craziness that comes with it all. So thankful for it all!

7 months old!

2011-03-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

Today, you're 7 months old!!

You are silly, funny, friendly, loving, smart, and happy!

You love food, but you are finicky sometimes. You aren't a fan of your bottle because it requires you to stay still for too long. You enjoy eating your baby food and practicing drinking out a cup with your sippy cup! Sometimes you even get the little bit of juice Mommy puts in there for you.

You are fascinated with animals, and you watch Tucker and Sinatra all day long. They are gentle with you, and Tucker even lets you pet him sometimes!

You are opinionated, and you can throw mini-fits at times....usually when it's time to put your clothes on. You'd much rather hang out in your diaper.

You jabber all the time. You are now saying:

-ba ba

-da da

- te te (the "t" sound)

-ch ch

-ca ca (you say this when Sinatra comes around)

-ma ma (only when you're really upset)

When we say, "Yaaay Collen!!" you clap your hands together.

And you're beginning to try to wave to people....you're starting to connect the waving movement with "hello or bye bye."

Your main mode of transportation is rolling. You haven't quite figured out crawling yet. You like to reach at toys from a sitting position and try to lurch yourself towards them. You're skipping putting your knees down and just diving for toys! I think you're getting closer, though.

Mommy knows all your tickle spots and she can get you laughing away sometimes!

You have the most adorable laugh, and we love to hear it any chance we can.

You are wearing 6-9 month clothes.

You probably weigh a little over 20 pounds, but surprisingly, you don't feel so heavy to me. My mommy muscles must be coming in.

You don't sleep so well. You're getting better at napping, but you wake up several times during the night when you wake up and realize you don't have your paci anymore. We're working on figuring this one out.....because we like our sleep around here. ;)

You're such a happy baby.

You're an absolute blessing in our lives, and we love watching you grow and change with each new day.

You're learning so quickly, and it's amazing how much you change in such a short amount of time.

We love you more than you will ever, ever be able to comprehend. And God loves you even more than that!! What a loved little guy you are!

Happy 7 months sweet boy. We love you so much thank God for you every day.

65 years

2011-03-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

65 years is a long time!! This weekend, we celebrated my grandparents' 65th wedding anniversary!

It was a surprise; my grandparents (or, my grandma) thought it was our annual girls' weekend. She kept wondering why the men were showing up! haha! My grandpa claims he knew what was going on. Either way, we had a huge gathering of family and friends and we celebrated with good food and a big cake, which I didn't eat one piece of! What's up with that?!

It was great to see my family, especially some of my cousins I don't see very often. Collen met some of the family for the first time, and of course he was a hit. He was so friendly with everyone and was very patient with being passed around from person to person. He got a lot of quality family time in, and I'm so thankful for that.

I wish I had pictures of the weekend to post for you, but I forgot my camera. :(

It was a great weekend and a good visit with family. And Collen is quite the little traveler....he just takes it all in stride. He did great!

Hope you all had a great weekend as well.

A handful

2011-03-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

Things stay busy around here. As Collen has gotten older, he has gotten more and more BUSY! He's a handful - always wanting to be doing something.....never just sitting still. He isn't crawling yet....and goodness, once he's mobile, I can't imagine how much he's going to get into.

It take this many toys to keep him entertained......for about 10 minutes.

But look at that happy smile! :) I'm his favorite play pal.

Hey, Mommy....I love you.

Sweet, sweet boy. I'm happy to give all my time over to him.....but thank God for naps.

Ditto.

2011-03-11T17:35:00.001-08:00

Right on the money.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

My thoughts exactly.

You hit the nail on the head.

Read here: http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com/2011/03/those-left-behind-prayer-request.html

Being left behind stinks.

Facebook link

2011-03-11T10:42:00.001-08:00

Here is the link to the Facebook event that my student organized. I'd love it if you would all join us on April 27th by releasing balloons in Ayden's honor!

A darker day

2011-03-10T18:38:00.000-08:00

You might not have known it if you had seen me today, but today....I was struggling.

Ayden's birthday is quickly approaching.

And I'm sad.

So, so very sad.

You'd think the first birthday would be the hardest, but his second is seeming to be harder. Last year was a fog. I spent the year numb and frozen in grief, just making through it each day.

Now, the grief is thawing a bit. Some days, if feels like a lifetime ago (as Jeremy stated today). Other days, it feels so close....like it was just yesterday.

I was lying in bed while Collen napped today, thinking of my Ayden. Missing him. Wishing that more than anything I could look forward to birthday hugs, singing happy birthday to him as he woke up that morning, watching him blow out his candles, seeing him open his gifts, and hearing him laugh as he played his little heart out. On Ayden's birthday, I won't have any of those things we mothers look so forward to. I will just have silence where there should be laughter. He won't be here to celebrate; and we won't celebrate as we would like to.

I was thinking about his 50th birthday (for some reason), and how I will be 76. Lord, please come before then. I really don't want to become an old lady.... And I was thinking, "How will I commemorate Ayden's birthday then? Will I send off 50 balloons?" The thought of 50 balloons and me at 76 trying to wrangle them all made me smile a little....but I thought, "How could I not STILL honor him even then. Of course I will! And maybe I'll be such a small old lady, those 50 balloons will sweep me up to heaven right then and there!" After 50 years, my heart will still be broken. I will still live life with someone missing....with a piece of me missing. Joy and happy moments will come, but they will still be experienced with a bit of sadness for the one who isn't there to share it all.

We plan to keep Ayden's birthday low key this year. Although, a facebook group has been started by one of my dear former students that has invited others to release balloons for Ayden's bithday. Such a sweet, sweet sentiment, and I love that so many have said they will be joining in! We will likely go to Ayden's spot as a family and probably some close friends, should they be able to join us, and release our balloons there this year. Or we may go to his garden again....not sure yet. I just want to spend that day together as a little family and remember our sweet boy and the joyous event that was his birth two years ago!! Was it really just 2 years ago?

I miss that little boy so much. I wish I could hug him....kiss him...snuggle him...see him smile...tell him how much this mommy loves him!

Come quickly, Lord....

A word to my followers...

2011-03-06T18:02:00.001-08:00

When I write, I don't really think about who will be reading the words I write. I know they will be read, but this blog has always just been an outlet for me. It didn't matter to me whether anyone read it or not.

But people DO.

And that humbles the mess out of me.

I read every single comment, and I think to myself, "Who am I to deserve such kind words, encouragement, and the sweet prayers of others?"

Thank you doesn't begin to express my gratitude. I have become connected with so many wonderful, life-changing people through my blog. And, as many of you so kindly tell me, (this is where I become so humbled and feel so undeserving) that through my blog your life has been touched or the life of someone else has been touched.....etc.

I've been sitting here for the past while just thinking of all of you and how you have changed my life. Your support, encouragement, goodness, and kindness have kept me going through really dark times. Your prayers have taken me through the good and bad days. And when you continue to tell me that you think of us or that you think of Ayden regularly....oh, it just touches me so dearly.

All I ever wanted was for Ayden to change lives. And he did that. He's still doing that. Thank you for reminding me of that so often.

I was reading Mary Beth Chapman's book, "Choosing to SEE." I'm still working through it. I had to take a break from it for a little bit so I could process everything. I'm getting to the part about when they brought Maria home. I believe it was Maria they were talking about when she said that they knew her name just fit her. When they heard her name, their hearts just felt so full and they knew she was their child. When I read that, chills just spread all over me.

Ayden's name was the same for us. I had considered so many names....as most girls do. But I remember putting Ayden's name together, and the first time I said, Ayden Brooks Jones out loud, I knew....that's my son's name. My heart felt so full of love for this little boy who didn't even exist....yet. God knew, even long before Ayden was born, that that name would touch me deeply. You can chalk it up to the fact that I was just planning for my first born and we all go through the process of picking names....the first is always going to be special. This is true, but Ayden's name was chosen years before we even began to plan for him. I considered other names, but I never let go of his....I knew our first child was going to be my Ayden.

As his birthday approaches, I can't imagine him at 2 years old. I feel like he would be such an easy-going child. He was so laid back and reserved but also such a happy baby. I think he would be a helper....always helping mommy and wanting to bring me gifts and surprises. I think he would have been a thinker....always contemplating things and thinking about how things work. He would have been big for his age, but I just can't picture him. In my mind, he'll always be 4 months old.

That's one thing Jeremy and I have always shared....we have never been able to imagine Ayden older than 4 months old. Even when we had him and we had those 4 beautiful months together....not once could we think to the future. We both thought it was weird because isn't that what parents do? Think about their child at 1, 2, 5, 10.....thinking about what that child will be like, what he/she will look like, what their mannerisms will be, etc. We can do that with Collen....easily. But with Ayden, we never could. Looking back, I think I understand why. God allowed Ayden to be born at a time when we could wrap ourselves up in him. We spent almost every moment of every day with him, and we spent every day living in the moment. Just soaking him in. I'm forever grateful for that. It has allowed us to parent Collen in the same way....and even deeper. If you have kids....I encourage you cherish every moment....every, single, moment. There's nothing more precious....nothing.

Anyway, I've veered from my initial purpose of this post.

Thank you all for becoming a part of our extended family and for continuing to keep us in your prayers...and most of all for remembering Ayden.

Love to you all!

"If I could fall into the sky..."

2011-03-03T17:41:00.000-08:00

Collen and I were meandering around the grocery store the other day, and a song began to play. I had heard this song so, so many times. I knew the words by heart, and I began to sing it to Collen. Then, I started to listen to the words I was singing to him....

Making my way downtown

Walking fast

Faces pass

And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead

Just making my way

Making a way

Through the crowd

And I need you

And I miss you

And now I wonder....

If I could fall

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by

'Cause you know I'd walk

A thousand miles

If I could Just see you

Tonight

It's always times like these

When I think of you

And I wonder

If you ever

Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong

And I don't belong

Living in your

Precious memories

'Cause I need you

And I miss you

And now I wonder....

If I could fallInto the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by

'Cause you know

I'd walk

A thousand miles

If I could

Just see you

Tonight

And I, I

Don't want to let you know

I, I

Drown in your memory

I, I

Don't want to let this go

I, I

Don't....

Making my way downtown

Walking fast

Faces pass

And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead

Just making my way

Making a way

Through the crowd

And I still need you

And I still miss you

And now I wonder....

If I could fall

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass us by

'Cause you know

I'd walkA thousand miles

If I could Just see you...

If I could fall

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by

'Cause you know

I'd walk

A thousand miles

If I could

Just see you

If I could

Just hold you

Tonight

Right there in the grocery store, I was thinking...."This sums up my grief....right here in this song." Walking through life, staring blankly ahead, holding onto precious memories of my baby boy. I still need him. I still miss him. And knowing that I'd do absolutely anything to see him, hold him, kiss him again.

A moment of clarity, in the produce aisle.

A better day

2011-03-02T19:07:00.000-08:00

Thank you for all of your suggestions!

And as Kathryn said, today he will take a fantastic nap....yes ma'am he sure did.

Granted....he took it with me right next to him, but that was an accident. I had every intention of getting up once he fell asleep, but the next thing I knew, I was waking up after falling asleep right along with him. He did, however, sleep for an hour and a half. The first half hour was on his own; then, he woke up. I was determined he was going to sleep longer because I knew he needed to. So, I laid him down next to me and just stroked his hair. He eventually drifted back off to sleep and slept for an hour.

Jeremy was home today (more on him in a sec), so we all went to a high school baseball game. Jeremy's school was playing "my" school (I still claim it even though I don't work there at the moment). When we left, my guys were winning! Both teams were doing really great, though. It was nice to get out and do something different. Collen loves to be outside, so he enjoyed himself.

Then, we came back home so Collen could eat and I could get dinner started. I draftd my mom to come help tonight since Jeremy's not the swiftest of movers these days. I needed her to help with Collen's nightime routine and helping him back to sleep during his several stirrings once he's down for the night. I ended up having to get him to sleep because he wasn't having any part of anyone else putting him to bed. My mom ended up cleaning, which was NOT my intention at all. I eventually joined in and was able to get some things accomplished. :)

Jeremy's ACL is fine. Thank the Lord! He might, however, have a dislocated or fracture kneecap. We're waiting for his MRI to be scheduled. Once he goes for the MRI, we'll know what we're dealing with. The doctor did say, though, that he didn't think surgery would be needed. Jeremy is walking better today, but he's still in a lot of pain if he turns his knee a certain way. I'm hoping and praying it heals quickly.

Thank you all again for your suggestions and advice. :) I really, really appreciate it!

My little daytime insomniac...

2011-03-01T18:56:00.000-08:00

Maybe you kind folks can help me...

Collen is a terrible napper. Terrible. Today, for example, I think he napped all of 1.5 hours....most of which were either in our bed next to me (our morning nap) or in my arms in the rocking chair.

Something's gotta give.

For a few weeks, I had Collen buying into napping in his pac'n play, which is also where he sleeps at night. I wanted him to associate his bed with sleeping. This worked until he changed his napping routine.

Typically, he gets up around 6:30 in the morning after going down around 8pm the night before. So, that's a total of about 10 hours of sleep...give or take. At 6:30, I change him, nurse him, then he goes back to sleep until about 8:30 or 9, then he's up for the day. Normally, this "nap" takes place in our bed since Jeremy has gotten up and left for work (I know....I probably need to put him back in his bed....but I do love this time with him.) After this, he's up and it's either time for a little play time or time to eat. I try to feed him his solids first because he eats those better when he's hungry, so he gets some applesauce with rice cereal or bananas...or some other fruit of sorts. Then, I give him his bottle, and we're good to go. Typically, he'll take another nap around 11ish, which could last anywhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours....if I want to achieve a long nap, I have to lay down with him....the entire time, which is getting old. I used to be able to lay him down, sleepy, in his bed, and he'd take a good one hour - two hour nap. His afternoon nap falls anywhere from 2pm - 5pm....he's never predictable....and I'm left most days on-edge just waiting for the cues, knowing he has to be getting sleepy because he's cranky and irritable.

The past few days have not been very fun. :(

He has been so fussy. Yesterday, he cried for an hour straight....inconsolably. He was fed, changed, comfortable, and he was sleepy, but he fought me all day long.

I'm lucky, most days, to get him to nap a total of 2 hours all day long. A child his age should be getting 13-16 hours of sleep a day. He just barely gets the minimum. This results in a tired, cranky baby and a strung-out, frazzled Mommy who just needs her child to sleep so she can regroup. My "me" time consists of the 5 minutes I get in the shower (if he'll allow even that!). He's also seeming to have some separation anxiety, too. He won't let me out of his sight. He'll play fine in his exersaucer or jumper for about 10-15 minutes, but then when I come into view....oh no....he insists that I pick him up....but then that gets old after a little while. He must constantly be entertained (he's just like me....oh, dear...) and he does not play well alone.

I'm not complaining at all. I know this comes with being a stay-at-home mom. He's going to be fussy, irritable, clingy, etc. I expected all of that. What I didn't expect was to have a daytime insomniac resulting in a very unhappy baby for the greater part of every day. He can be such a happy child, and I hate that he's spending so much of his time upset because he's tired but will not give in and take a good nap.

I try simulating bedtime as much as possible. I lay him down sleepy, turn the white noise on, give him his paci, and walk away. This works like a charm at night, and it was working well during the day until now. I'm considering making the room darker so it looks more like night time to him. Maybe I can fake him out.... Another problem is that he is an incredibly light sleeper. A little sniffle of the nose can wake him up. Sheesh...

I also think teething MAY have something to do with it, but he doesn't really act like his tooth is bothering him. Teething hasn't seemed to be particularly hard on him, so I'm not sure on that one.

I'm just at a loss with him as far as napping goes. There are much larger problems than this in the world, I understand, but our little world is being rocked by this right now. I need my baby to sleep and be rested so he can be happy....and I can be calm and collected.

If you've never spent the day with an incredibly fussy baby....try it sometime and see how your nerves are at the end of the day.

And to add to this, Jeremy has injured his knee. He think it's something with his ACL. He goes for an MRI in the morning, and I am praying that it's just a bad sprain. If he has to have surgery, he's going to be limited for some time, and I need my extra set of hands....my back up!!! He's the one who steps in so I can cook dinner, or clean up, or run errands. If he's out of commission, I'm going to be a frazzled mess really soon. I commend single mothers. You ladies are awesome! I don't know how you do it!! You've got to be superwoman because I can't imagine doing all of this on my own.

So, if you have any napping advice, I'm open to suggestions!!

More shabby chic additions!!

2011-02-26T18:41:00.001-08:00

Today, my mom, my aunt, myself, and Collen went on a road trip to visit The Nest. I am an avid follower of their blog, waiting for a post each week that details the new finds! For so long, I have dreamed of being able to go for a visit, but with a baby in tow, it takes an entourage to accomplish such a task. Since my mom is staying with me this weekend, off we went!

We picked up my aunt on the way and set off to our destination. Overall, for us, it was a 2.5 hour trip. Collen was perfect the entire day! He loves to get out and see new things and people. He napped in the car and later when we went to the mall for a visit to the Cheesecake Factory (banana cream cheesecake people....seriously....amazing!!!).

The highlight of the day? Meeting a blog reader as we got out of the car at The Nest! These lovely ladies were coming over to say hello to Collen, and the next thing I hear is, "Hey, I know you! I read your blog!" It's a small world....and it never ceases to astound me. It was wonderful to meet you ladies today!

Here are some of my finds for today! The buffet table and rolling cart are going to join us later when we can get Jeremy's truck up there to pick them up!

This will go under our TV!

(Anyone in the market for a like-brand-new entertainment center????)

This "cart" will go by our front door and have baskets that will

hold the dvds that will need a home after

the entertainment center is gone.

Love the lamp shade on this lamp!

A green sconce; a wall hanging for our bathroom, two bird hooks for the guest bathroom,
a weathered frame, lavender soap, and a measuring tape because I needed one for sewing (for all of $ 0.50 - the measuring tape)

And last but not least, this gorgeous mirror!!

It looks perfect above our fireplace.

I have sense replaced my Ecuadorian jugs on the right with a vase

of dried flowers as well as a collage of Ayden.

It was lovely to get out of the house and actually socialize. And Collen enjoyed the day, too, which made it even better! Then, we met new friends, and even saw some friends from church while walking around the mall. :) A wonderful Saturday! I hope yours was great as well.

If he could slap his knee, I think he would have...

2011-02-24T07:58:00.000-08:00

6 month stats

2011-02-24T07:16:00.000-08:00

So, I was a little off in my estimates:

Weight: 19lbs 4oz (75%)
Length: 27 3/4 inches (75%)
Head: 46.1cm (95%)

Doctor says he looks healthy!

Collen is beginning to understand that the nurses at the doctors' office are nice and sweet, so he flirts with them. BUT....he's also beginning to understand that when the man walks in (doctor), he's going to be poked, prodded, and eventually stuck. He was a lot more apprehensive with the doctor than usual - I could see it in his eyes....distrust. He wasn't confident that this person wasn't going to be scary, and boy was his intuition right. :( The shots were tough this time. He usually gets over them pretty quickly, and he still did compared to most, but those pitiful cries lingered a lot longer this time. He had a hard time staying asleep last night because his legs were so sore, so I gave him some Tylenol, and he slept soundly the rest of the night.....right next to me. I know...co-sleeping...not everyone's idea of a smart choice, but he needed his mommy close, so we kicked Jeremy out of the bed (sorry Jerms), and we both got some awesome sleep last night.

So hard to believe he'll be a year old in 6 short months!

6 months old!!

2011-02-22T19:12:00.000-08:00

Collen is 6 months old today! I can hardly believe it! Here are a few things about our big boy:

Weight: Has to be close to, if not, 20 pounds. (Check up tomorrow..)
Length: I measured 29 inches about a week ago

Favorite things:
- Jabbering (Ba Ba Ba and other noises)
-Rasberries!
-Sitting up (still with some help so he doesn't face plant)
-Watching Tucker and Sinatra....and any other animal
-Mommy and Daddy
-Eating (you'd think this would be the top, but he isn't a big eater these days)
-Still loves bath time!
-Laying down and kicking his legs all around

Favorite foods:
-Squash
-Sweet Potatoes
-Carrots
-Applesauce
-Bananas

He has tried, and also liked:
-Green beans
-Peas

I need to venture out with more foods, but I was waiting until his 6 month check up before going too crazy!

He's a happy baby, and he's so, so sweet!

Our first big milestone has hit - his first tooth is coming in!! He won't let us see it very often, but you can definitely feel it when he chomps down on our fingers!

Happy 6 months, Collen! We love you!