Struggling

That's what I'm doing right this minute.

I'm going to try to convey what I'm feeling, but words are not adequate. If I could put into words how painful this is..... I don't even think those words exist.

It's moments like these when there is no end in sight. It feels like this is going to last forever. Words like "never" pop into my mind, and I find myself believing that I will never see him again, never hold him again, never be his mommy again.

I just miss him so badly. What a simple way to express how much this hurts. Today everything just came rushing back. Our time with him, how much I adore him and loved being home with him. Then my thoughts went to "that day". I don't talk much about it because...well who would? But I can't get the images out of my head. I wasn't even there, but I can see it in my head, and that just breaks me into a million pieces.

I know (well, desperately hope) that we will have more children. But they will never be Ayden. I will love them just as unconditionally as I love Ayden, but they will never fill this hole in my heart. They will bring happiness and joy back into our home and our lives, but the happiness and joy he brought to us will always be missing. I miss how full my heart felt when he was here. I miss how happy our home was. I miss his beautiful face - how I would just sit and look at him....never tired of looking at him....just taking in God's miracle in this beautiful child. And now he's gone, and on days like today.....it seems like I will never have him back.

It's so easy to say that this world is not our home.....this isn't forever....but explain that to my heart when one day without him feels like an eternity. I know he is safe, happy, content, joyful, but I'm not....and the one thing that can make me feel whole again can't come back to me. It's just so cruel. To be given someone so special to you. To have everything you ever hoped for in your child. To have your dream come true right there in your arms. And then....to have to live without him. How do you live after that? What kind of existence can there be?

I've just really been struggling lately. And believe me, I know what many people would say in response. Just lean on God....give Him your burdens....let Him carry it for you. Yes, I know all of that. I'm trying. And that's the best I've got right now. That's all I can give. I'm trying the best I can.

I wish this whole world could have known him because he truly is such a beautiful, happy child. I wish the world could have felt the sincere love and adoration I share(d) with him. I wish I felt as connected to God now as I did when I was thanking Him daily....sometimes hourly....for the gift we were given in Ayden. I was completely and totally aware of the miracle we had in him, but God still allowed him to be taken. I struggle with that......that we KNEW, and know, how blessed we were. We didn't take one second for granted, but He still allowed it to happen. I don't understand that. I know God's will is perfect and good. I know he is sovereign. But I don't understand how I'm supposed to be expected to see good in this right now.

I didn't write this for pity or for people to have something to read or comment on. This blog is my outlet, and the rest of you are just out there...reading it....I guess because I'd rather know someone is reading it than no one.

Thank you all for sticking with me....reading on "good" days and then days like today....that are just ugly and sad.

I love you Ayden. I'm amazed at how my love for you continues to grow daily. Although you aren't here with me to receive it, I know it is being sent to you above. I long for the day when I am allowed to join you. All I can pray for is for my purpose here to be fulfilled in its time, so I can join you once that time comes. I'd be lying if I didn't say I hoped for that time every single day. I miss you....more than words will ever possibly express. I know you're safe, but I will always be your mommy, so I will always want to be with you and take care of you. Eventhough it may not seem like it to me, I know that when I see you again, it will be as if we had never been parted. I love you, sweet, beautiful boy.

Still here...

I haven't posted in a few days. Not much going on around here...nothing new anyway. The fact that nothing new is going on around here is sad in itself because we should have a 7 month-old here to keep things fun and interesting all the time.

I'm going to try to not make this depressing.

Friday, Jeremy and I went to see The Phantom of the Opera in Durham. The travelling group is here for about 3 weeks. I have seen Phatom before. I saw it in New York when I was 14, so now as a 26 year old, I knew I'd look at with a new perspective. Since seeing it the first time, I have seen the movie several times and I have worn out the soundtrack from playing it over and over. I was afraid that I would be bored seeing it again since I already knew what was going on. However, I was the opposite of bored. I was so pulled into it the whole time, I think I forgot to breathe at some moments. A little known fact about me is that I love musicals....especially broadway musicals. I'm no expert by any means, but I love the excitement of them. After seeing Phantom the first time, I had decided that I was going to move to New York, get a voice coach, and sing on broadway....and one day be Christinne in Phantom. My voice is actually well-suited for her part. In my adolescent mind, that was a simple task and one that was completely sensible. It makes me laugh, now.

Anyway, we went to Durham, had a nice dinner and then went to the show. It started at 8, and it didn't end until 11:30. We finally got home around 1am. Fine with me....that is usually when I start to fall asleep. I was still wide awake, so I decided to watch the movie version of Phantom so I could compare the similarities and differences. My opinion: the show is better...hands down. Jeremy couldn't hang with me, so he went to sleep. I eventually fell asleep around 3:30 after finishing the movie. Needless to say, I slept in on Saturday.

The one thing that kept going through my mind while we were gone Friday night was the fact that we shouldn't have the freedom we now have to just go and do. I was focused on trying to enjoy myself, but in the back of my mind, I was incredibly sad. I hated that we could just pick up and go....and stay out late....because we have nothing to rush back to. I would gladly give up a night out....even one as nice as that one....if it meant I could have Ayden back. I don't want this freedom. I just want my child. I want to be "mommy" again.

Lately, I've felt hit from all angles. I go out somewhere....and there's a newborn, infant, or pregnant woman. I check facebook....someone else has found out they're pregnant or has posted new pictures of their baby. We visit with family....and the constant reminder of his absence is there. His pictures are up, but he isn't there. It seems like everyone around us is so happy and carefree, and we're just stuck in this hole....trying to crawl out...trying to find light somehow...somewhere. And when I begin to be able to crawl out, just a little bit, someone/something pushes me right back down. It's absolutely relentless, and sometimes I'm just too tired to fight back. This month, we will have been without him for as long as we had him. 4 months. It's just not right...

I said I didn't want this to be depressing, so I'd better stop there. I have actually had some really good days recently. The past 2 have just been down days. I expect them, though, and I would think something was wrong with me if I didn't have them. I know I can't change any of this, and I know that if Ayden was given the chance to come back to us, he wouldn't. I wouldn't blame him. I know he is the safest of places and that he is happier than he could have ever been here. That still doesn't take the hurt away, though....

Today I just want to kiss these sweet baby feet. I miss them so much. And I miss him....

Short but so sweet....

So, I haven't been so secretive about the fact that I have been using ambien to help me sleep. I can tell you, I am so glad I let everyone talk me into it. I have definitely needed the help falling asleep. However, I really don't like how groggy it makes me in the mornings. I will wake up around 9, but I won't get out of the bed until close to 11 because I'm so groggy. Well, I now have one ambien left. I didn't want to go cold turkey....take the last one and then the next night have nothing. So, I went and got an over-the-counter sleep aid, and I have melatonin in case I don't like the over-the-counter kind. I tried the over-the-counter last night, and it went okay. I woke up at 4 and I was wide awake, but I managed to get myself back to sleep. I woke up around 7:30, when Jeremy was leaving....went back to sleep....finally woke up around 10. From about 8-10, though, I was in and out of sleep....too groggy to actually get up. I need to start going to bed earlier; I think that will help. I'm not even going to tell you what time I usually go to bed....it's late.

I dreamt of Ayden all night long last night. I love dreaming of him because, in a way, I get him back for that short period of time. In my dreams, it was much like dreams I've mentioned before. I felt puzzled about why he was able to be there with me because I knew he wasn't supposed to be, but as with past dreams....I just went with it and took advantage while I could. I remember him being so happy.....and me being thrilled out of my mind. I just held him...the entire time....I never let go of him in my dreams. I remember a funny moment. I was holding him, and I looked at Jeremy and said, "When was the last time he pooped?" And then I looked at Ayden, and I said, "Well, I think you're going right now aren't you?" And it just came and came....and it was all over my hands. I remember just laughing and laughing, and Ayden was laughing too. At one point, we were around other people, and I remember them being so surprised to see him, but it wasn't an unnatural surprise; it was a super-excited, so happy that he's back kind of emotion. As I was finally waking up, I remember I wasn't holding him, but I could hear him....and as I woke up, all I could hear was his laughter. How sweet....but sad at the same time. I love having dreams about him, but they make me miss him more (if that's even possible).

Well, that's all for now. I have to start my day....

I don't want to do this....

Today has just been one of those days. One of those days when I get into a funk. One of those days when I'm up and down from one minute to the next. One of those days when my temper is short for the sole reason of just wishing my life was different, so I take it out on everyone else (they usually never hear me because it's all in my head). One of those days when I say to myself over and over, "I don't want to do this anymore."

The first part of my day was okay. I went to school for a little while to pick up some Graduation Project stuff to work on. I enjoyed seeing some of my students and colleagues. I'm getting better with "How are you" and "Are you looking forward to coming back", but I don't get "You look good." I get what people mean by that, I truly do, but I'm left wondering if they expected me to look terrible. It makes me a laugh a little.... Don't worry if you've said it to me - I really do understand what you mean by it. I've said it to people myself....but to be on the other side, it's just a little different.

After leaving school, I really didn't want to go home. I decided that since it was December 1st I would get some new flowers for Ayden's spot. It's funny - I have no desire whatsoever to decorate our house for Christmas. Last Christmas we were so excited. We had just found out we were having a boy, and we were looking forward to sharing Christmas with Ayden. How do you celebrate a holiday without your child? Especially this one? I figured that since I didn't want to decorate the house, I could at least decorate his spot. So, I went to the local pottery and picked up some silk flowers. As I was walking around, I just remember feeling so out of place....just lost. Here I am...26 years old....picking out a floral arrangement in memory of my child. I should be showing him the Christmas trees and the ornaments and the pretty lights. I was struck so suddenly that I almost had to leave the store. I took some deep breaths and just kept moving. I do that a lot. I picked out some really pretty red hydrangeas, some holly, and some small, prearranged bouqets. I looked for a "First Christmas" ornament to somehow put on it, but I couldn't find one. Want to experience depression? Look for a first Christmas ornament for the child who is no longer here.... I want him to have one, though....from us, and if it means putting it on his arrangement, so be it. I tried so hard to push the thoughts out of mind - the thought/reality that he has to experience his first Christmas away from us and that on days like today when I really just need to hold him and kiss him....I can't. Sometimes, when I'm buying things like I did today and I see the people around me laughing, buying decorations, smiling with their kids, I just want to scream at them.....and make them all stop and realize that it isn't that easy for some of us.

To make matters worse, it seems like everyone we know has kids these days or is pregnant or just had a baby. I know that isn't the case. However, it's hard to feel any other way. I look at some of our friends our age who have 2...3 kids, and here we are....our one and only child is gone. I don't in any way feel anger or jealously towards them. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't look at them and say, "Why? Why can't that be us? It was us....why did it have to change?" My cousin and his wife just found out they're having a boy. I'm happy for them....I really, truly am. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard. And I know they'll read this, so I have to say that I am in no way upset with them. I'm just upset with life and how unfair it can be sometimes. My cousin and I are really close, and we've always reached many of our milestones together. We are 6 months apart in age, so we are more like siblings. I hate that we both have to live with this now. They found out they were pregnant around the same time we lost Ayden. They didn't know how to tell us. I was proud of my cousin for calling me and telling me....and keeping it together. I truly am so happy for them, but I know they feel a little guilt. And I hate that. I hate that he and I will always have this memory......that he will look at his son and think of the one I lost. Christmas this year will be happy and hard at the same time....and probably a little awkward. Everyone around us tells us that they feel guilty that they have their kids while we have to endure this. I know I would feel the same way if it were someone other than myself.

I've spoken before about how isolating this is. On days like today, I feel so alone....as if I'm in this bubble....looking at the world from the outside looking in because I no longer fit into "normal". I walk around as an observer.....taking it all in and feeling every sting as I'm comfronted with what used to be my life. It's days like today when I forget that Ayden is in Heaven.....that he is where we all hope to be someday....that he will live in a perfect world and we will see him again. On days like today, I just want him back. I just want my baby back. I feel so weak and insignificant on days like today. Just beat down. I feel God trying to remind me....trying to push through, but I let the pain block Him out.

Have I mentioned lately how much I really dislike all of this?

Well, I do.