Merry Christmas Sweet Boy - We love you so much.
Another dream...
I have written several times about my "Ayden dreams." I feel blessed to dream of him so frequently. Some people may think these are too precious to share, but I record them on my blog so that I can have them written down before I forget them.
Last night's was wonderful. It was much like the others. I held him throughout the entire dream. It was Ayden, Jeremy, and myself. We were at a get together at a friend's house. And much like the other dreams, we both knew he wasn't supposed to be there, but we held onto him as long as we could because we knew it wouldn't last. I remember walking up to the party holding him, and there were so many people there with their kids....most of them babies. And I remember feeling so happy because my arms weren't empty. Everyone was so happy to see Ayden. And, as usual, he was his smiley, happy self. He leaned his head against my cheek as he did so many times when I held him. He smiled, cooed, and laughed. And throughout the entire dream, Jeremy and I were trying to figure out what we could do to keep him with us. It was as if the setting was 2 weeks before we knew he would be leaving us, and we were planning for the 25th....trying to figure out how one of us could stay home with him....or if one of us could pick him up early from daycare right before we knew it was supposed to happen.....thinking of everything we could to prevent it from happening so we could keep him with us.
Then, the party ended, and we all got into the car. Then, I looked behind me, and his carseat was empty. In the dream, I just sighed....
But today, I've walked around with such a heavy heart. I just miss him so much. And I would give anything to have him back, just for an hour.....just to hold him one more time.
We did another interview yesterday. Our last interview, I hope. This one was more personal because it was done at home, and the guy interviewing us "knew" us. The questions were hard to answer.....remembering Ayden so personally was hard. It just hurts. And it's not a pain that just goes away. It always comes back. It isn't temporary, and it never will be. I will look at our future children and always see the one who is missing. Our family will never be "whole." We'll always be without Ayden, and that realization is painful.
One day, though, we will be a whole family. I pray often that our future children will learn from this and that they will decide to be believers as well. Only then can we all be promised to be a whole family again. I like to think that our future children will know Ayden somehow. I don't know how that works, but I like to think he gets to meet them before we do. He'll always be the oldest....the big brother, but he'll also always be the baby of the family.
I was doing well until today. Just happens that way sometimes. It helps to have times like this when I just breakdown and let myself feel it all. Missing him just hurts so badly.
Thank you all for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I hope you all have a safe and Merry Christmas. I like to visualize Ayden celebrating the birth of Christ....right there with Him....wow. I wish I could see it.
Last night's was wonderful. It was much like the others. I held him throughout the entire dream. It was Ayden, Jeremy, and myself. We were at a get together at a friend's house. And much like the other dreams, we both knew he wasn't supposed to be there, but we held onto him as long as we could because we knew it wouldn't last. I remember walking up to the party holding him, and there were so many people there with their kids....most of them babies. And I remember feeling so happy because my arms weren't empty. Everyone was so happy to see Ayden. And, as usual, he was his smiley, happy self. He leaned his head against my cheek as he did so many times when I held him. He smiled, cooed, and laughed. And throughout the entire dream, Jeremy and I were trying to figure out what we could do to keep him with us. It was as if the setting was 2 weeks before we knew he would be leaving us, and we were planning for the 25th....trying to figure out how one of us could stay home with him....or if one of us could pick him up early from daycare right before we knew it was supposed to happen.....thinking of everything we could to prevent it from happening so we could keep him with us.
Then, the party ended, and we all got into the car. Then, I looked behind me, and his carseat was empty. In the dream, I just sighed....
But today, I've walked around with such a heavy heart. I just miss him so much. And I would give anything to have him back, just for an hour.....just to hold him one more time.
We did another interview yesterday. Our last interview, I hope. This one was more personal because it was done at home, and the guy interviewing us "knew" us. The questions were hard to answer.....remembering Ayden so personally was hard. It just hurts. And it's not a pain that just goes away. It always comes back. It isn't temporary, and it never will be. I will look at our future children and always see the one who is missing. Our family will never be "whole." We'll always be without Ayden, and that realization is painful.
One day, though, we will be a whole family. I pray often that our future children will learn from this and that they will decide to be believers as well. Only then can we all be promised to be a whole family again. I like to think that our future children will know Ayden somehow. I don't know how that works, but I like to think he gets to meet them before we do. He'll always be the oldest....the big brother, but he'll also always be the baby of the family.
I was doing well until today. Just happens that way sometimes. It helps to have times like this when I just breakdown and let myself feel it all. Missing him just hurts so badly.
Thank you all for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I hope you all have a safe and Merry Christmas. I like to visualize Ayden celebrating the birth of Christ....right there with Him....wow. I wish I could see it.
A friendly visit
You all remember my friend, Amber.
Amber has been a part of my life for almost 22 years. We met when we were 5 years old, and we have been the best of friends ever since. I'm so fortunate to be able to say that I am still friends with the people I have considered my best friends for most of my life. My friend Ashley, and I, have been friends since we were 6, and Kristina and I have been friends since we were 14. I would consider these 3 my life-long friends. You know...the friends you can go years without seeing but then when you meet again, you just pick up where you left off. I know that not many people can say that they are still friends with people they met that long ago, so I consider myself very blessed.
Amber has been in town for a few days to visit some family for the holidays. So, I took advantage of her visit, and I kidnapped her for a day. She spent yesterday and last night with us, and it was just like old times. We did the usual reminiscing about the old days and laughing about all the crazy stuff we did back then. Amber and I were/are quite the duo. We just click, and you see it right away with us. It's obvious that there is a history there....and a good one at that.
Amber spent the day with me, my mom, and my sister. We just went various places around town....and I may or may not have driven them all out into the country to see "my" house...again. Amber loved it.
After that, we went back to my house and we tackled one part of our "list." We watched some iCarly episodes - specifically the pilot episode. Here's why: when we were in elementary school, Amber and I had a pretend TV show where we would talk about whatever we wanted and just do crazy stuff. Usually, we bantered back and forth with our nemesis, the fictional Jack Hunt. We were trying the save the chimps (yeah...I don't know....). Anyway, when I first saw the pilot of iCarly, I immediately thought of us - and I remember actually saying, "That's US! That's me and Amber!" The similarities are really bizzare. If you've ever seen the show, I would be Carly and Amber would be Sam. This may be a teeny-bopper show, but it's just so cute. I love it. Anyway, we have put together this list of things for us to do when she gets out of her school/training she is in right now. One thing on the list was to watch the iCarly pilot, so we did, and Amber is now a convert. She definitely sees us in this show.
After that, Amber tagged along with us to a Christmas gathering at Jeremy's parents' house. Without getting too detailed, his parents have been taking care of a little girl in our family while custody issues get straightened out. It appears that things will get straightened out this week, and she will be going home. Last night was a way for all of us to have Christmas with her before she has to leave. I'm glad Amber got to meet her; she immediately took to Amber....the big kid.
When we got home, Amber and I settled in for a scary movie. As kids we always set ourselves up. Both of us knew how scared we were when it came to scary movies, but we just couldn't help ourselves. I had asked her if she had ever seen the movie, 1408. It came up because I had just heard Karen Carpenter's "Merry Christmas, Darling" and I told her how that song creeped me out because all I could ever hear when I heard her voice was, "We've Only Just Begun" which is the creepy song in 1408. After saying that, she had to see the movie. I succeeded in scaring her. And, as I remember her doing so many times when we were younger, Amber talked to the main character throughout the entire movie - "Don't do it!"; "Just go to sleep!"; "Stop doing that!"; "Just leave, you idiot!." It was great - just like old times.
Sadly, I had to take her back to her Uncle's this morning, which is her old house from when we were kids. So, we walked around the house, remembering how things once were. It was like we were kids again. Here we were, the dynamic duo, walking in to find her parents and grandparents and uncle....much like we would have if we were 20 years younger. I miss the days when things were so simple....when we didn't have a care in the world....when we set out in reckless abandon....testing our limits and knowing no boundaries. Then, we grew up. Such is life, I guess.
As I said in the post I wrote about Amber - we all need an Amber in our lives. I'm glad I have the original.
Amber has been a part of my life for almost 22 years. We met when we were 5 years old, and we have been the best of friends ever since. I'm so fortunate to be able to say that I am still friends with the people I have considered my best friends for most of my life. My friend Ashley, and I, have been friends since we were 6, and Kristina and I have been friends since we were 14. I would consider these 3 my life-long friends. You know...the friends you can go years without seeing but then when you meet again, you just pick up where you left off. I know that not many people can say that they are still friends with people they met that long ago, so I consider myself very blessed.
Amber has been in town for a few days to visit some family for the holidays. So, I took advantage of her visit, and I kidnapped her for a day. She spent yesterday and last night with us, and it was just like old times. We did the usual reminiscing about the old days and laughing about all the crazy stuff we did back then. Amber and I were/are quite the duo. We just click, and you see it right away with us. It's obvious that there is a history there....and a good one at that.
Amber spent the day with me, my mom, and my sister. We just went various places around town....and I may or may not have driven them all out into the country to see "my" house...again. Amber loved it.
After that, we went back to my house and we tackled one part of our "list." We watched some iCarly episodes - specifically the pilot episode. Here's why: when we were in elementary school, Amber and I had a pretend TV show where we would talk about whatever we wanted and just do crazy stuff. Usually, we bantered back and forth with our nemesis, the fictional Jack Hunt. We were trying the save the chimps (yeah...I don't know....). Anyway, when I first saw the pilot of iCarly, I immediately thought of us - and I remember actually saying, "That's US! That's me and Amber!" The similarities are really bizzare. If you've ever seen the show, I would be Carly and Amber would be Sam. This may be a teeny-bopper show, but it's just so cute. I love it. Anyway, we have put together this list of things for us to do when she gets out of her school/training she is in right now. One thing on the list was to watch the iCarly pilot, so we did, and Amber is now a convert. She definitely sees us in this show.
After that, Amber tagged along with us to a Christmas gathering at Jeremy's parents' house. Without getting too detailed, his parents have been taking care of a little girl in our family while custody issues get straightened out. It appears that things will get straightened out this week, and she will be going home. Last night was a way for all of us to have Christmas with her before she has to leave. I'm glad Amber got to meet her; she immediately took to Amber....the big kid.
When we got home, Amber and I settled in for a scary movie. As kids we always set ourselves up. Both of us knew how scared we were when it came to scary movies, but we just couldn't help ourselves. I had asked her if she had ever seen the movie, 1408. It came up because I had just heard Karen Carpenter's "Merry Christmas, Darling" and I told her how that song creeped me out because all I could ever hear when I heard her voice was, "We've Only Just Begun" which is the creepy song in 1408. After saying that, she had to see the movie. I succeeded in scaring her. And, as I remember her doing so many times when we were younger, Amber talked to the main character throughout the entire movie - "Don't do it!"; "Just go to sleep!"; "Stop doing that!"; "Just leave, you idiot!." It was great - just like old times.
Sadly, I had to take her back to her Uncle's this morning, which is her old house from when we were kids. So, we walked around the house, remembering how things once were. It was like we were kids again. Here we were, the dynamic duo, walking in to find her parents and grandparents and uncle....much like we would have if we were 20 years younger. I miss the days when things were so simple....when we didn't have a care in the world....when we set out in reckless abandon....testing our limits and knowing no boundaries. Then, we grew up. Such is life, I guess.
As I said in the post I wrote about Amber - we all need an Amber in our lives. I'm glad I have the original.
Slowing down
Deep breath.
I've been taking a lot of those lately.
It seems like the past few weeks have flown by...especially with the whole break-in craziness. No new news on that, by the way. Still hoping something will turn up.
Other than that, I just haven't felt much like writing. I'm usually good about updating the blog, but I just haven't felt like doing anything on my computer recently. I've been reading a lot, so I guess I was way into the books I was reading. I wasn't going to confess, but I will....I have been reading the Twilight series.
I'm so embarassed.
I started reading the first book just to see what the big deal was. So many of my students LOVE the Twlight saga, but I just laughed....I mean, really, vampires? So, I shrugged it off and decided I was too old for it. Then, I saw the first movie. It was okay...I liked it....I saw the appeal. I understood why my high school students love it. When the 2nd movie came out, I saw it, too. I had already seen the first....might as well. I actually laughed out loud at the end of it. It was so melodramatic, but sadly, it did draw me in.
So, I bought the first book.....read it in a week. (I know, many people read them in a day....I'm not a quick reader, plus....I have a life)
I skipped the 2nd book...first because they didn't have it at Target, 2nd....I had seen the movie, so I got the idea behind it.
I started reading the 3rd book, read it in a week.
Moved on the the 4th book.....read it in 4 days. It was by far, the best of the series.
So, I became hooked. I see why people like it so much. I'm not going to be crazy about it like a lot of people are. At first, I did not enjoy the writing style. The author used a lot of the same adjectives....I got tired of that. However, the writing definitely got better with each book. So, now I'm am expectantly waiting for the next movie. Sigh. Now my students will want to talk Twilight with me. That's okay, though. I'm just glad they're reading. It's much better than some of the other trash out there. I picked up the novel, Precious, the other day in Barnes and Noble. All I'm going to say is that I will not be reading that book. As an English teacher, I can't bring myself to do it. First, the language is too much for me. Second, the "writing" is made up on sentence fragments and slang. Now, before people think I'm being all judgemental. No, I'm not. I get what the author is doing. Again, I'm an English teacher. I have a bachelor's degree in English and a Master's in Library Science. I know a lot about writing styles, and it's just that - this author's chosen writing style for this novel. It is written in first person, and the language and writing is relative to the character speaking. I just can't bring myself to read it....the content, language, all of it....just not for me.
Like you really care to have my opinion. Just "thinking outloud".
We are in the process of getting our house on the market. We went and looked at the house I posted on a week ago. I was hoping that I would hate the inside so the decision would be a little easier. Sadly, no. Loved it. It was super cute, and it has SO much potential. We could add a master bath to it, finish the upstairs...which would give us another 700+ square feet, and we just love the location. However, our house has to sell first....and we'd have to be sure we could handle in incurring costs that come with an older house.
I have faith. It'll all work out....whichever way it's supposed to.
Hope you're all doing well. I promise not to stay away as much anymore. I do have another book to read, though, but this one is for school. I assigned Pygmalion for my seniors' as their independent reading, so I need to re-read that and get my assignments together for it. I'm thinking about having them act out a scene and do a character analysis. Many of my students read my blog, so let me answer a question for them real quick. YES you HAVE TO act out a scene. YES you may have a partner, but only ONE. If I have an odd number of students, someone will have to go solo. You can do it. I know how creative you guys are....I'm looking forward to it!
Okay. We're having a movie night, so I'm off for now.
Thank you all for continuing to remember us in your thoughts and prayers. I wish I could say so much more than just thank you, but it's all I can give. We have been so blessed by you all. We are continuing to hang in there....still having good and bad days. We just want to live as we would have taught Ayden to live, so we're focused on that and living to make him a proud little boy.
I've been taking a lot of those lately.
It seems like the past few weeks have flown by...especially with the whole break-in craziness. No new news on that, by the way. Still hoping something will turn up.
Other than that, I just haven't felt much like writing. I'm usually good about updating the blog, but I just haven't felt like doing anything on my computer recently. I've been reading a lot, so I guess I was way into the books I was reading. I wasn't going to confess, but I will....I have been reading the Twilight series.
I'm so embarassed.
I started reading the first book just to see what the big deal was. So many of my students LOVE the Twlight saga, but I just laughed....I mean, really, vampires? So, I shrugged it off and decided I was too old for it. Then, I saw the first movie. It was okay...I liked it....I saw the appeal. I understood why my high school students love it. When the 2nd movie came out, I saw it, too. I had already seen the first....might as well. I actually laughed out loud at the end of it. It was so melodramatic, but sadly, it did draw me in.
So, I bought the first book.....read it in a week. (I know, many people read them in a day....I'm not a quick reader, plus....I have a life)
I skipped the 2nd book...first because they didn't have it at Target, 2nd....I had seen the movie, so I got the idea behind it.
I started reading the 3rd book, read it in a week.
Moved on the the 4th book.....read it in 4 days. It was by far, the best of the series.
So, I became hooked. I see why people like it so much. I'm not going to be crazy about it like a lot of people are. At first, I did not enjoy the writing style. The author used a lot of the same adjectives....I got tired of that. However, the writing definitely got better with each book. So, now I'm am expectantly waiting for the next movie. Sigh. Now my students will want to talk Twilight with me. That's okay, though. I'm just glad they're reading. It's much better than some of the other trash out there. I picked up the novel, Precious, the other day in Barnes and Noble. All I'm going to say is that I will not be reading that book. As an English teacher, I can't bring myself to do it. First, the language is too much for me. Second, the "writing" is made up on sentence fragments and slang. Now, before people think I'm being all judgemental. No, I'm not. I get what the author is doing. Again, I'm an English teacher. I have a bachelor's degree in English and a Master's in Library Science. I know a lot about writing styles, and it's just that - this author's chosen writing style for this novel. It is written in first person, and the language and writing is relative to the character speaking. I just can't bring myself to read it....the content, language, all of it....just not for me.
Like you really care to have my opinion. Just "thinking outloud".
We are in the process of getting our house on the market. We went and looked at the house I posted on a week ago. I was hoping that I would hate the inside so the decision would be a little easier. Sadly, no. Loved it. It was super cute, and it has SO much potential. We could add a master bath to it, finish the upstairs...which would give us another 700+ square feet, and we just love the location. However, our house has to sell first....and we'd have to be sure we could handle in incurring costs that come with an older house.
I have faith. It'll all work out....whichever way it's supposed to.
Hope you're all doing well. I promise not to stay away as much anymore. I do have another book to read, though, but this one is for school. I assigned Pygmalion for my seniors' as their independent reading, so I need to re-read that and get my assignments together for it. I'm thinking about having them act out a scene and do a character analysis. Many of my students read my blog, so let me answer a question for them real quick. YES you HAVE TO act out a scene. YES you may have a partner, but only ONE. If I have an odd number of students, someone will have to go solo. You can do it. I know how creative you guys are....I'm looking forward to it!
Okay. We're having a movie night, so I'm off for now.
Thank you all for continuing to remember us in your thoughts and prayers. I wish I could say so much more than just thank you, but it's all I can give. We have been so blessed by you all. We are continuing to hang in there....still having good and bad days. We just want to live as we would have taught Ayden to live, so we're focused on that and living to make him a proud little boy.
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