I survived

I made it through the first day back at work....with students. It was such a nerve-wracking experience, but I don't think you would have known it from just seeing me or talking to me. My close friends knew how nervous I was and that I was near the breaking point, but I never let anyone else see it.

I think I'm going to have some good classes. I've taught a lot of them before. I had them as sophomores, so it was nice and comforting to see some familiar faces. I almost lost it in first period when I heard a comment a student made. I don't think she knew I heard her, but I said, "It's so nice to have you guys back in my classroom again." Very quietly, she said, "It's good to have you back."

Going back to work was such a frightening thought to me. I almost didn't go back. I wasn't sure I was ready, but I knew I couldn't just sit around the house and stay in bed for another semester. Not that I was doing those things out of depression. It helped me to be able to take my time and go at my own speed. Now, I'm at the mercy of someone else's time schedule, which is good, but of course it's stressful to me right now. It'll be good to get back into the routine though.

It was strange to walk down the halls this morning, mingling amongst the students, hearing, "Mrs. Jones is back! It's Mrs. Jones! Hey Mrs. Jones" I don't feel like anything special at all, but they seem to think I am. I hope I don't ever disappoint them.

Day two tomorrow....thank God for Friday.

Been awhile....

I know, shame on me. I haven't written in a while. Quite a few people have commented on my lack of blogging lately. I really just haven't had much to write about.....besides the obvious.

Today was my first real day back at work. Luckily it was a workday, and tomorrow is as well. Students come back on Thursday. I have no idea what to expect Thursday. I can see myself walking around in a fog all day.....not knowing how to act....not completely believing I'm really back at work....not ready to take it all on again. Another first day of school....I'm petrified, but can it really go as badly as my last first day? Nope. Nothing could ever be worse than that day. I'm just afraid of the deja vu of it all. I remember it all so clearly; I remember each moment with my students....I'll go through every step with my new students on Thursday. I'll be passing out bathroom passes....wondering....what tragedy is occuring right at this moment.

I can't let fear take over. I WON'T let fear overcome me.

I just hope my students will be gracious, kind, and behaved. It's going to be hard enough without having to deal with many discipline problems.

It has been weird being back. Everyone has been so gracious and nice. Not too eager to speak to me, but definitely not acting as if I'm not there. I think they're all trying to give me my space. I appreciate that. I'm not into much small talk, so most of the time, I can be found in my office working on something.....with a Judy Garland movie or Lucy episode playing in the background. (My close friends at work know that I'm in my "happy" place when they hear Judy or Lucy.....it's my way of calming down) I'm re-learning how to be a part of society again....how to be "normal" again....whatever that is. I don't think I'll ever be normal again. I'll never be the old Lindsay again. I feel like I'm forever jaded, tainted.....bruised.

People used to be amazed at how innocently I looked at the world....how optimistic of a person I could be. Sadly, I'm not that way anymore. I still have optimism....more than many who have walked in my shoes, but it's not like it used to be.

I'm still a work in progress, but with God's help....I've come a long way since August. I found myself singing along to My Fair Lady tonight, and I'm laughing again...genuinely. I'm most myself around my parents, my sister, and Jeremy. I think they're seeing some of the old Lindsay again.

I want to trust God fully again. I trust Him. I trust Him a lot. But I'm not sure I fully, 100% trust Him again. It's hard when you let yourself fully rely on God....give it all to Him....it's easy to say, "Your will be done" when all is well. But, when your worst nightmare becomes your reality, you're left looking at God wondering why He betrayed you....why He would do this to you after you gave it all to Him. I know that's the wrong way to look at it. I should trust Him fully and even more completely because in His eyes, His will was done. But it wasn't MY will for this to happen....to lose my precious baby boy. I never wanted that, but I wanted God to know I trusted Him with what was most precious in my life. And He allowed him to be taken. That's hard to grasp....it's hard to trust after that happens. So, I'm working on it, and I hope He's okay with that.

A good friend asked me recently, "So, how's life?" I'm not sure he knew what he was asking. And if I had been honest, I would have laughed and said, "Are you serious?" But I was glad he asked the way he did. He already knew the answer, but by asking that question, he caused me to think a lot about how I view life at the moment. When I answered him, I said, "Life is life. I'm living it one day at a time." That's all I can do right now, really. Just take on each day as it comes. I can't even begin to anticipate the following day because getting through the current day is a triumph. As I said, I'm working my way back to normal....back to being a part of society again. So, I'm living life as it comes.....and honestly praying every day that life here on earth will quickly pass. I'm not wishing it away because I know there are more memories to be made, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope for Christ's return every second of every day because sometimes, this life just gets to be too much. I'm more ready than I've ever been....

Well, I said I didn't have much to write about. I guess you ended up getting random thoughts that have been floating around my foggy brain. Sorry if it was hard to follow. I hope you're all having a good week. Continue to remember the people of Haiti. I wish I could be there helping right now.....

Take care.

Christ's Church - Cardboard Testimonies

A few pics from yesterday

I stole these from my friend, Lauren's, blog. Go on over and read her full post on yesterday's service.

She got a good shot of our "after" picture - when we turned our cardboard pieces over. As you can see....I was barely holding it together.

And if you look over Jeremy's right shoulder, you'll see the beautiful blonde lady who is in the wheelchair. I have mentioned her several times in my blog. She is one of my newest best friends - her name is Jill. Check out her blog and her story. She is at the top of my list of personal heroes, and I love her so very much. Jill has ALS, and it hurts to watch this disease continuing to take away from her, but as it takes away....Christ continues to replace what is taken by grace, hope, comfort, and perseverance. I have never been one to be in awe of many people because seriously....we're all pretty ordinary most of the time...but I am in awe of Jill and her husband, Cliff. They keep going....good or bad....they just keep going because they trust God and His promises. I know this disease will take Jill one day, and I will ache in her absence, but I will be so joyful knowing that she will finally be where she so longs to be!

Here is a group shot of everyone up on stage:

Hopefully, the video will be up soon so you guys can see the whole thing. I'll post it here once it's available.