Thoughts from Dad

I'm often asked what my best memories with Ayden are. It has always been a tough answer. I didn't have a particular memory that I could really point to...until I looked across our house last night into the living room just before heading to bed. (We have an open floor plan where the kitchen, dining area and living room all connect). I stood in the kitchen and looked across to the recliner on the far end of the house. Then it hit me...my favorite memory with Ayden was what would have been this morning...

As I type, Lindsay is in bed. She is not a morning person and I am not much of a late night kind of person. The deal we made was that Lindsay would generally take care of Ayden in the night when he woke up or needed a diaper change or needed to be fed (although I did take a few feedings for her). The trade off was that days I was not working, I would get up in the early morning (sometimes 5 or 6, the occasional 4 o'clock early rise or the blessed 7 am wake up time) and take Ayden with me into the living room and take care of him so she could stretch out and sleep.

Ayden and I would go change his diaper...a time he LOVED...especially if it was a stinky diaper...that was HILARIOUS to him when I would give him the shewwwwwww wheeeeee!!! noises. Then it was time to eat. Then he wanted to sit up for a while and play. He would sit on my knee or on my lap and we would do whatever entertained him. He would smile and laugh so much in the mornings. We had a lot of talks about whatever...I would talk and he would "respond" and give me a piece of his mind sometimes...just babbling up a storm. Then after about 2 or 3 hours, it was morning nap time. We'd wrap up in the blanket and lay back in the recliner and drift off to sleep.

The other trade off was that on mornings we both began heading back to work and on Sunday mornings, I would get up and get my shower while Ayden slept in with mommy for a little while. Then I would take him to get him ready for his day while Lindsay got up to get ready. We would go and change the diaper, was him up real good, play a little bit, get him dressed and by that time Lindsay would be ready (she always got ready a little faster when her LITTLE man was waiting for her...I never quite had that effect on her). I am thankful that my last memory with Ayden was that morning as I got ready for school...it was a morning like the others...I got my daddy time in with him.

Jeremy

Trying to find hope...

I haven't been able to write much lately. I know I have posted every day, but I haven't posted anything of real substance. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm struggling. So many of you comment on my honesty and that you appreciate it. It's truly not in my character to be so open. However, one trait I've gained through all of this is honesty. I can't pretend this away. I can't pretend I'm okay when I'm not. So,when people ask how I'm doing, I respond honestly. If people want my honest response to any given question, they get it. One piece of advice I'm constantly given is to do what is best for ME....and I do. The hard part is when what's best for me doesn't quite match up what is best for Jeremy or others, but that's just something we have to work through.

I often read a blog titled Bring the Rain. The author, Angie, is truly inspiring. She has taught me so much about grief and the ups and downs that accompany it. She has recently learned that she is pregnant once again, and I'm so happy for her. Her post today spoke to me. God wants me to find hope. I try to find hope daily. Some days it is harder to find than others, but it's there. Hope will grow stronger with each day..... I can't really pinpoint the hope I have for the future, but I think more than anything, I just hope for joy to return to our lives. I tell myself that I can find true joy in Christ and His presence in my life. That's easy to say, but in this situation, it's harder to live those words than you can possibly imagine. I know God wants me to make him the center, even now, and I know He wants me to just give my burdens to Him. Again, easier said than done. I'm working on it, but it's going to take a while....

I'm trying to look forward to Thursday, but when I think about it and build myself up for it, I just become overwhelmed. I'm to the point where I just want to get through it and it be over. Thank you all for reminding us that we will be in your prayers. Your words are so encouraging....thank you so much. I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving....and remember what is most important.

Name Gallery Slideshow

I have been getting a lot of contributions to Ayden's name gallery. Again, you guys are awesome! Thank you so much.

If you do not see your picture, I wasn't able to get it on the slideshow because it was not in a jpeg format. I have tried to convert them, but I'm THAT tech savvy. If anyone knows how to convert a word document to a jpeg....I welcome that advice because I'd love to be able to share all of the pictures you have sent.

I have gotten them all, and they're so great! I never realized how much of a blessing they would be, but they've truly brightened my days, and the past few have been really hard. Thank you so much.

Take a look at the slideshow of pictures we have so far....

Make a Smilebox slideshow

I love my students...

One of my students sent me this photo last night:

Her name is Whitney, and she is truly one of the sweetest girls. Whitney is the mastermind behind, "Ribbons for Ayden" and she helped organize the candle light vigil on October 15th in honor of Ayden and all of the babies who have been lost to SIDS, infant death, or pregnancy loss.

Today, my students are preparing butterflies for a christmas tree. The butterflies were sold in honor of Ayden for SIDS awareness. The money they raised went to support First Candle. I believe the christmas tree will be in the Greenville Convention Center. That was the orginal plan. Wherever it is, I hope to be able to get some pictures to share with you all.

I am blessed to teach such a wonderful group of kids. I am so, so proud of them.