Last night

After I posted the link on my last post, I couldn't settle my mind. I was in the bed, winding down for the night, when Jeremy came in and told me about the link between SIDS and Serotonin being on the news. Of course, I googled it to read about it. I had heard of this theory before; it came out this year around February. I read about the most recent findings and how they are pretty sure this is what causes SIDS deaths.

You would think I might find a little solace in possibly knowing "why."

It did the opposite. It sent my mind into a whirlwind because IF a Serotonin deficiency is what caused Ayden's passing, then that means it could have possibly been prevented. A Serotonin deficiency doesn't mean "it's inevitable"; it just means "there's a chance." We lost our son to chance. The idea of losing him to something that was unpreventable was easier to handle; this took me back into the early stages of grief all over again.

When Jeremy told me goodnight, I think he noticed that I was a little affected by all this. He asked if I was okay. I told him I was, but I should have said, "I will be." I laid there with my heart so heavy, tears in my eyes, missing Ayden and wondering if all of this means that he COULD still be here.

I was left with so many questions:

"If Ayden had a Serotonin deficiency, does that mean one of us passed it to him?"

"What about Collen? Can he be tested?"

"Can we be tested to find out if it's genetic?"

"Would Ayden still be here if had been watched a little more closely? If he had been found a few minutes earlier..." (I'm not implying anything against the daycare provider....I know she was just putting him down for a routine nap. There was no way of knowing...)

"Does this mean it could have been prevented? There was a chance of it not happening to him?"

"Why couldn't they have found out all of this way before now?"

"If this case study is based off of 35 infants, how solid are the findings?"

All of this has me watching Collen even more closely than I already was. I pay attention to his sleep/wake cycles, and I monitor his breathing. I'm scared to death to put him on his stomach (which luckily, he hates anyway) for fear of him learning how to roll over at such a young age (like Ayden did). I know he will be rolling over in the very near future; I know I can't stop him; I don't want to; but if it's a part of development that he doesn't reach early...I won't be upset. He has much less control of his head than Ayden did....so it terrifies me.

This also has be back-tracking, making note of Ayden's behavior and certain characteristics:

-He wasn't a heavy sleeper.
-He was easy to wake up; although, compared to Collen, he was a much heavier sleeper.
-He was ALWAYS content....rarely cried...very complacent. (Could this be a clue??)

And then I'm baffled because

-He had such a strong neck. He could hold his head up while on his stomach. Why did he struggle with that the day we lost him?

-He could roll himself back and forth with no problem. Why couldn't he do it the day we lost him?

-He just doesn't fit the mold of this study....makes it harder for me to accept.


It hurts to think that this could have been caught. This might have been prevented. Ayden could still be here....

Worth reading....

New research information on SIDS:

http://www.businessweek.com/lifestyle/content/healthday/642503.html

My question is: Will they now develop a test to perform on infants to gauge serotonin levels so an intervention can take place before the baby gets into a compromised position? If so, we could be looking at a huge decrease in SIDS cases...

I'd also like to know if parents are linked to the decrease in serotonin levels.

Missing Ayden so much...

I didn't know it would be like this...

A while back, I wrote about 28 days and how Ayden was 3 months and 28 days old when he passed away. Most parents mark weekly, monthly, yearly milestones. For us, it's a bit different. As I mentioned in that post, Collen is approaching the 3 month 28 day mark. He's 15 days from it to be exact. To say that it has made me apprehensive is an understatement. As of December 21st, we'll be in uncharted territory. All we've ever known is infancy up to 4 months old. And we've also only known the tragic loss of an almost-4-month-old infant.

I knew I would approach this milestone with quite a bit of anxiety, but I didn't realize it would be so intense.

I've awoken from nightmares...checking to make sure Collen is still here, because in my dreams, I'm fighting to save him, but reluctant because I'm so sure he's going to be taken from me anyway. I go through each day wound so tightly with anxiety....just wondering if today is the day he'll leave us.

For the most part, my optimism is able to overrule the anxiety and paranoia, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry myself sick at times.

I hate that my mind works this way now....that my heart anticipates more heartbreak. I lost so much when we lost Ayden...ignorant, blissful innocence being the main thing.

I'm putting every ounce of hope into seeing Collen turn 4 months, 6 months, 12 months, 24 months...18 years...50 years old. I know I'm not promised tomorrow, but I can hope for it....

First snow!

Here's what it looks like around our neck of the woods tonight:

We don't get much snow, so a sight like this is so exciting for us! I get so giddy when it snows! :)