28 days


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Yesterday, Collen turned 3 months old. Every single day with him is an absolute blessing. I love watching him grow, develop, and hit new milestones. Just yesterday, I watched him discover that he could bring his hands together at his chest. I watched him do it for the first time! I was amazed that I was witnessing that. I know...it's not that big of a deal...but to me every part of him is a big deal. Before I became a mother, I never understood what the big deal was about a baby laughing, or clapping his hands, or cooing. Then, I had my own child, and when Ayden laughed for the first time, I was in tears. Every time he smiled at me, my eyes would well up, and I couldn't help but become a little emotional because he was smiling....at me. Now, to watch Collen hit those same milestones....the fun ones...the ones where they begin to interact with you and you can witness them learning so much so fast....it's amazing.

Then, I get sad.

Yesterday, as I rejoiced at 3 months with Collen, "28 days" flashed through my head.

We always tell people that Ayden was 4 months old when he passed away. That's not entirely true, but rounding up is easier than saying he was 3 months and 28 days old.

So, I look at Collen at 3 months old and can't help but wonder...."What if I only have 28 days left?" or..."What if today is my last day with him?" These are normal, natural fears that every mother has. Our life's ambition is to protect our children and keep them safe. But I couldn't protect Ayden from SIDS, and I can't protect Collen from it, either. So, fear creeps in. I'm getting better at rebuking fear, though....he doesn't have as strong a hold on me as he used to.

I was reminded yesterday, though, as "28 days" flashed through my mind that it's important that we never take a single second for granted.

Those 3 months and 28 days with Ayden were so wonderful. I will never, ever forget a moment of it. I will forever cherish those days with him.

The next 28 days will be momentous around here. When Collen reaches 3 months and 29 days, we're in new territory. We'll move forward with him as he grows (Lord willing...), and Ayden will still be there....3 months and 28 days. Yes, it's sad. Yes, it's tragic. But sometimes, when we are most saddened by our loss, we find a sweet comfort in knowing that we will always remember Ayden as a baby. Although that wasn't our plan at all; we wanted to see him grow and raise him and be with him for a long, long time - we find a bit of solace in remembering him as the beautiful, sweet, cuddly, chubby little baby that he was. I don't know what he looks like now. I like to think that when we're reunited, I'll get my 2nd chance with my 3 month and 28 day old baby boy, so until we're together again, I'll imagine it that way.


Although I'll do my best to fight it, the next 28 days will be very anxious ones around here. If you think about it, say a little prayer for us....for peace and assurance and that we remain faithful in trusting God.



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6 comments:

  1. you know you guys will ALWAYS be in my thoughts and prayers. you are my inspiration and motivation while i'm on this journey through grief. it's always amazing to me as i read one of your posts how much you sound like me. all of your concerns for your collen are concerns that i've thought about for our future 2nd child (if we are blessed to have one). i know how scared you will be these next 28 days. i will be keeping you even closer to my heart during these next 4 weeks. ((hugs))

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  2. Now I'm in tears. And I'm praying in my own religion - which is Islam - that Collen stays with you for EVER here on earth!

    I wish it deep in my soul and I know, the "One" will take care of this little prayer for the next 28 days and even more!! :)

    Loves from Turkey,
    Esin

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  3. i absolutely love your blog!! you have a wonderful way with words. i honestly think you could write a book about your experiences in mommy-hood and all God has taught you about loss, redemption, and love. that would be a good job for a SAHM, huh :)?? thanks for letting us all get to know collen AND ayden--

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  4. Always in my thoughts and prayers!!! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

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  5. Of course, prayers, for comfort and protection.

    Reflections to 12 months ago, the emptiness in your life, the fresh heartbreak, Ayden in heaven, Collen just a prayer to God and now to today, Collen and his sweet smile and presence for the past 3 months. Yes, the emptiness and heartbreak are still there, always will be, but praise to God for the blessing of Collen that your heart would know new joy in the midst of the sorrow.

    And isn't that part of the Thanksgiving season: so much lost to come to the new land and yet still faith and purpose to give thanks. May we be as faithful as the pilgrims.

    I have to say, one more time, you have the most handsome boys.

    Happy Thanksgiving season to you and your sweet family.

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