Yesterday, Collen turned 3 months old. Every single day with him is an absolute blessing. I love watching him grow, develop, and hit new milestones. Just yesterday, I watched him discover that he could bring his hands together at his chest. I watched him do it for the first time! I was amazed that I was witnessing that. I know...it's not that big of a deal...but to me every part of him is a big deal. Before I became a mother, I never understood what the big deal was about a baby laughing, or clapping his hands, or cooing. Then, I had my own child, and when Ayden laughed for the first time, I was in tears. Every time he smiled at me, my eyes would well up, and I couldn't help but become a little emotional because he was smiling....at me. Now, to watch Collen hit those same milestones....the fun ones...the ones where they begin to interact with you and you can witness them learning so much so fast....it's amazing.
Then, I get sad.
Yesterday, as I rejoiced at 3 months with Collen, "28 days" flashed through my head.
We always tell people that Ayden was 4 months old when he passed away. That's not entirely true, but rounding up is easier than saying he was 3 months and 28 days old.
So, I look at Collen at 3 months old and can't help but wonder...."What if I only have 28 days left?" or..."What if today is my last day with him?" These are normal, natural fears that every mother has. Our life's ambition is to protect our children and keep them safe. But I couldn't protect Ayden from SIDS, and I can't protect Collen from it, either. So, fear creeps in. I'm getting better at rebuking fear, though....he doesn't have as strong a hold on me as he used to.
I was reminded yesterday, though, as "28 days" flashed through my mind that it's important that we never take a single second for granted.
Those 3 months and 28 days with Ayden were so wonderful. I will never, ever forget a moment of it. I will forever cherish those days with him.
The next 28 days will be momentous around here. When Collen reaches 3 months and 29 days, we're in new territory. We'll move forward with him as he grows (Lord willing...), and Ayden will still be there....3 months and 28 days. Yes, it's sad. Yes, it's tragic. But sometimes, when we are most saddened by our loss, we find a sweet comfort in knowing that we will always remember Ayden as a baby. Although that wasn't our plan at all; we wanted to see him grow and raise him and be with him for a long, long time - we find a bit of solace in remembering him as the beautiful, sweet, cuddly, chubby little baby that he was. I don't know what he looks like now. I like to think that when we're reunited, I'll get my 2nd chance with my 3 month and 28 day old baby boy, so until we're together again, I'll imagine it that way.
Although I'll do my best to fight it, the next 28 days will be very anxious ones around here. If you think about it, say a little prayer for us....for peace and assurance and that we remain faithful in trusting God.