Another dream...

I have written several times about my "Ayden dreams." I feel blessed to dream of him so frequently. Some people may think these are too precious to share, but I record them on my blog so that I can have them written down before I forget them.

Last night's was wonderful. It was much like the others. I held him throughout the entire dream. It was Ayden, Jeremy, and myself. We were at a get together at a friend's house. And much like the other dreams, we both knew he wasn't supposed to be there, but we held onto him as long as we could because we knew it wouldn't last. I remember walking up to the party holding him, and there were so many people there with their kids....most of them babies. And I remember feeling so happy because my arms weren't empty. Everyone was so happy to see Ayden. And, as usual, he was his smiley, happy self. He leaned his head against my cheek as he did so many times when I held him. He smiled, cooed, and laughed. And throughout the entire dream, Jeremy and I were trying to figure out what we could do to keep him with us. It was as if the setting was 2 weeks before we knew he would be leaving us, and we were planning for the 25th....trying to figure out how one of us could stay home with him....or if one of us could pick him up early from daycare right before we knew it was supposed to happen.....thinking of everything we could to prevent it from happening so we could keep him with us.

Then, the party ended, and we all got into the car. Then, I looked behind me, and his carseat was empty. In the dream, I just sighed....

But today, I've walked around with such a heavy heart. I just miss him so much. And I would give anything to have him back, just for an hour.....just to hold him one more time.

We did another interview yesterday. Our last interview, I hope. This one was more personal because it was done at home, and the guy interviewing us "knew" us. The questions were hard to answer.....remembering Ayden so personally was hard. It just hurts. And it's not a pain that just goes away. It always comes back. It isn't temporary, and it never will be. I will look at our future children and always see the one who is missing. Our family will never be "whole." We'll always be without Ayden, and that realization is painful.

One day, though, we will be a whole family. I pray often that our future children will learn from this and that they will decide to be believers as well. Only then can we all be promised to be a whole family again. I like to think that our future children will know Ayden somehow. I don't know how that works, but I like to think he gets to meet them before we do. He'll always be the oldest....the big brother, but he'll also always be the baby of the family.

I was doing well until today. Just happens that way sometimes. It helps to have times like this when I just breakdown and let myself feel it all. Missing him just hurts so badly.

Thank you all for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I hope you all have a safe and Merry Christmas. I like to visualize Ayden celebrating the birth of Christ....right there with Him....wow. I wish I could see it.

A friendly visit

You all remember my friend, Amber.

Amber has been a part of my life for almost 22 years. We met when we were 5 years old, and we have been the best of friends ever since. I'm so fortunate to be able to say that I am still friends with the people I have considered my best friends for most of my life. My friend Ashley, and I, have been friends since we were 6, and Kristina and I have been friends since we were 14. I would consider these 3 my life-long friends. You know...the friends you can go years without seeing but then when you meet again, you just pick up where you left off. I know that not many people can say that they are still friends with people they met that long ago, so I consider myself very blessed.

Amber has been in town for a few days to visit some family for the holidays. So, I took advantage of her visit, and I kidnapped her for a day. She spent yesterday and last night with us, and it was just like old times. We did the usual reminiscing about the old days and laughing about all the crazy stuff we did back then. Amber and I were/are quite the duo. We just click, and you see it right away with us. It's obvious that there is a history there....and a good one at that.

Amber spent the day with me, my mom, and my sister. We just went various places around town....and I may or may not have driven them all out into the country to see "my" house...again. Amber loved it.

After that, we went back to my house and we tackled one part of our "list." We watched some iCarly episodes - specifically the pilot episode. Here's why: when we were in elementary school, Amber and I had a pretend TV show where we would talk about whatever we wanted and just do crazy stuff. Usually, we bantered back and forth with our nemesis, the fictional Jack Hunt. We were trying the save the chimps (yeah...I don't know....). Anyway, when I first saw the pilot of iCarly, I immediately thought of us - and I remember actually saying, "That's US! That's me and Amber!" The similarities are really bizzare. If you've ever seen the show, I would be Carly and Amber would be Sam. This may be a teeny-bopper show, but it's just so cute. I love it. Anyway, we have put together this list of things for us to do when she gets out of her school/training she is in right now. One thing on the list was to watch the iCarly pilot, so we did, and Amber is now a convert. She definitely sees us in this show.

After that, Amber tagged along with us to a Christmas gathering at Jeremy's parents' house. Without getting too detailed, his parents have been taking care of a little girl in our family while custody issues get straightened out. It appears that things will get straightened out this week, and she will be going home. Last night was a way for all of us to have Christmas with her before she has to leave. I'm glad Amber got to meet her; she immediately took to Amber....the big kid.

When we got home, Amber and I settled in for a scary movie. As kids we always set ourselves up. Both of us knew how scared we were when it came to scary movies, but we just couldn't help ourselves. I had asked her if she had ever seen the movie, 1408. It came up because I had just heard Karen Carpenter's "Merry Christmas, Darling" and I told her how that song creeped me out because all I could ever hear when I heard her voice was, "We've Only Just Begun" which is the creepy song in 1408. After saying that, she had to see the movie. I succeeded in scaring her. And, as I remember her doing so many times when we were younger, Amber talked to the main character throughout the entire movie - "Don't do it!"; "Just go to sleep!"; "Stop doing that!"; "Just leave, you idiot!." It was great - just like old times.

Sadly, I had to take her back to her Uncle's this morning, which is her old house from when we were kids. So, we walked around the house, remembering how things once were. It was like we were kids again. Here we were, the dynamic duo, walking in to find her parents and grandparents and uncle....much like we would have if we were 20 years younger. I miss the days when things were so simple....when we didn't have a care in the world....when we set out in reckless abandon....testing our limits and knowing no boundaries. Then, we grew up. Such is life, I guess.

As I said in the post I wrote about Amber - we all need an Amber in our lives. I'm glad I have the original.

Slowing down

Deep breath.

I've been taking a lot of those lately.

It seems like the past few weeks have flown by...especially with the whole break-in craziness. No new news on that, by the way. Still hoping something will turn up.

Other than that, I just haven't felt much like writing. I'm usually good about updating the blog, but I just haven't felt like doing anything on my computer recently. I've been reading a lot, so I guess I was way into the books I was reading. I wasn't going to confess, but I will....I have been reading the Twilight series.

I'm so embarassed.

I started reading the first book just to see what the big deal was. So many of my students LOVE the Twlight saga, but I just laughed....I mean, really, vampires? So, I shrugged it off and decided I was too old for it. Then, I saw the first movie. It was okay...I liked it....I saw the appeal. I understood why my high school students love it. When the 2nd movie came out, I saw it, too. I had already seen the first....might as well. I actually laughed out loud at the end of it. It was so melodramatic, but sadly, it did draw me in.

So, I bought the first book.....read it in a week. (I know, many people read them in a day....I'm not a quick reader, plus....I have a life)

I skipped the 2nd book...first because they didn't have it at Target, 2nd....I had seen the movie, so I got the idea behind it.

I started reading the 3rd book, read it in a week.

Moved on the the 4th book.....read it in 4 days. It was by far, the best of the series.

So, I became hooked. I see why people like it so much. I'm not going to be crazy about it like a lot of people are. At first, I did not enjoy the writing style. The author used a lot of the same adjectives....I got tired of that. However, the writing definitely got better with each book. So, now I'm am expectantly waiting for the next movie. Sigh. Now my students will want to talk Twilight with me. That's okay, though. I'm just glad they're reading. It's much better than some of the other trash out there. I picked up the novel, Precious, the other day in Barnes and Noble. All I'm going to say is that I will not be reading that book. As an English teacher, I can't bring myself to do it. First, the language is too much for me. Second, the "writing" is made up on sentence fragments and slang. Now, before people think I'm being all judgemental. No, I'm not. I get what the author is doing. Again, I'm an English teacher. I have a bachelor's degree in English and a Master's in Library Science. I know a lot about writing styles, and it's just that - this author's chosen writing style for this novel. It is written in first person, and the language and writing is relative to the character speaking. I just can't bring myself to read it....the content, language, all of it....just not for me.

Like you really care to have my opinion. Just "thinking outloud".

We are in the process of getting our house on the market. We went and looked at the house I posted on a week ago. I was hoping that I would hate the inside so the decision would be a little easier. Sadly, no. Loved it. It was super cute, and it has SO much potential. We could add a master bath to it, finish the upstairs...which would give us another 700+ square feet, and we just love the location. However, our house has to sell first....and we'd have to be sure we could handle in incurring costs that come with an older house.

I have faith. It'll all work out....whichever way it's supposed to.

Hope you're all doing well. I promise not to stay away as much anymore. I do have another book to read, though, but this one is for school. I assigned Pygmalion for my seniors' as their independent reading, so I need to re-read that and get my assignments together for it. I'm thinking about having them act out a scene and do a character analysis. Many of my students read my blog, so let me answer a question for them real quick. YES you HAVE TO act out a scene. YES you may have a partner, but only ONE. If I have an odd number of students, someone will have to go solo. You can do it. I know how creative you guys are....I'm looking forward to it!

Okay. We're having a movie night, so I'm off for now.

Thank you all for continuing to remember us in your thoughts and prayers. I wish I could say so much more than just thank you, but it's all I can give. We have been so blessed by you all. We are continuing to hang in there....still having good and bad days. We just want to live as we would have taught Ayden to live, so we're focused on that and living to make him a proud little boy.

People continue to amaze me

So, today, I did my first ever news interview. Had I known I was doing an interview today, I would have dressed much differently. This morning, I got up and got ready. I babysat today, so I knew wearing something really nice probably wouldn't be the best idea for comfort and cleanliness reasons. So, I threw on an old sweater and put my hair up. I did, at least, put makeup on. I was right about my clothing choices because the baby just let all of his bodily fuctions go today. I had to laugh... He pooped on me, spit up on me, drooled on me, and then sneezed on me quite a few times. He definitely thought it was funny, so how could I not join in. I asked him if there was anything else he would like to share with me today. I think he's saving it for another day. If he wasn't so darn cute.... He makes the day fun, so I'll take all of it anyday.

Anyway, I got a voicemail this morning from the local news station. They wanted to do a story on the recent break-in in conjunction with the bigger picture of Ayden's passing. I was touched that they would want to help us in this way. We are very humble people, so we never expect help or this kind of kindness in anyway. So, over the past few months, as help continues to come or provisions continue to be made, we remain in awe of the kindness people have so graciously shown. It has truly been a blessing. So, whoever called the news station about us and our story - thank you. Thank you for allowing us to tell Ayden's story one more time. And thank you for giving us an opportunity to get the word out about the break-in.

You would think that since I'm teacher, I wouldn't get nervous about speaking in front of crowds or on camera. With students....no, not a problem. I'm in total control. With peers or parents, or a large viewing audience, I'm a total wreck. So, when you see the video and see that my voice is trembling throughout the whole thing, you'll see my nervousness. Nerves combined with talking about my sweet Ayden....I'm surprised I was able to keep my composure at all. Here is the link to the story. You'll see a video camera icon - you can click on that to see the actual video. Please ignore my southern accent. You always sound worse to yourself when you watch yourself on video. I never realize how southern I sound until I watch myself.

http://www.witn.com/home/headlines/79454672.html



This week has been a better week compared to most. I have felt hopeful and encouraged. I know that this is not a turn for the "better" because I know that bad days will return. There is no "better" or "easier" with this, but I do believe the days will begin to become more tolerable. But it has been good to experience a more "up" week. I think the break-in forcing me to rebuke satan inflicting fear and panic has brought about this uplifting spirit I've had this week. I refuse to let him win by making me afraid and unsure. I know where my ultimate protection lies...protection from ALL things, and even in the midst of suffering, I know God is with me. He may have to deal with my doubt from time to time...especially on the bad days....but on days like today, I know he is glad to see me fully trusting Him.

Facts about Ayden...

I received an email recently. Thank you, by the way, to those of you who email us and share with us your thoughts, emotions, ponderings, kindness, compassion, sympathy, prayers, etc. I'm not good at all at getting back to people. However, please know that I DO read every, single email, and then I mark each one as "unread" so I can go back and respond. Sadly, it takes me a while...sometimes a long while. But, I promise you, I read them ALL, and they all bring comfort.


One email in particular struck me. First, I was just humbled that during her busy day, we came to mind, and she went on to make a mental list for me. Many of you share with us how often we come across your minds and how often you pray for us. Again, it humbles me so much because I know how hectic life can be and how hard it is to think outside of our own selves...our own "box." I know, I do it all the time. So, thank you all so much. This person included her list, and I wanted to share it. She called the list, "Facts about Ayden'"



Facts about Ayden:

--Ayden can see God clearly now, face to face. He can hug him, and kiss him and follow him around. How wonderful it must be!


--Ayden is lacking nothing!


--Ayden is completely whole.


--Ayden has lots of company and new friends to romp around with and he gets to meet people who have never met him before, but always wanted to. For example, great-great grandparents and such.


--Ayden's family misses him...terribly


--Ayden's death left a hole in many lives, and at the same time, perhaps, has made many lives whole by bringing people to God.


--We believe in God's plan....always


--God is up to something......always


--Ayden's death has brought the image of God into greater focus and caused the rest of us to examine our own mortality and time with our children and family.


--God is keeping his promise to you...eternal life WITH Ayden.


--Ayden will be invited to the most awesome birthday party ever in a few days (the birthday of Jesus.)


--Your baby is home....right where he should be and where you will get to join him sometime in the future.


I was so touched by this. And she's right, and I loved that she called them "facts" because a "fact" is TRUE. To know that Ayden has touched the lives of so many, and hopefully for the better...and for an eternity's worth of change....that is so awesome. Ayden will share Jesus' birthday with Jesus himself....wow....wow. I hadn't thought of that. All I had thought of was that we were going to spend Christmas without Ayden; this brought me a new perspective. I continue to be so proud of the goodness Ayden's life spreads and brings about....even now. So proud of my sweet boy.

Our pastor spoke today about allow the Spirit to fill you to overflowing. He commented on how many of us let the Spirit in when it's convenient for us, or we just let Him trickle in here and there. He encouraged us to live with Hope because if we are believers and filled with the Holy Spirit, we should not be walking around as if we have no hope and no joy. I am having trouble with one of those two. Hope....I have in abundance. Joy....I'm working on that one. I know God understands, and I know He is preparing me for Joy that will astound me. I just hope it comes sooner than later.

I'll leave this post with a few new additions to Ayden's Name Gallery. Keep sending them in! You guys are creative! http://melissatsao.squarespace.com/

If you look hard enough, you'll find some photos from Ayden's newborn session. Melissa is my former college roommate and one of my best friends of all time. She does amazing work with a camera. She is a Christian, and she has a heart and a true talent for her work. Check her out.

Thank you all for these! They're great! They aren't in the official gallery yet, but they will be soon. Keep sending them in!

Quick update

We were able to get serial numbers for all of the electronics that were stolen: Xbox, video camera, and my sister's Wii. Hopefully, having the serial numbers will help. I'm just hoping and praying that whoever it was that was involved will slip up somewhere and give themselves away....somehow.

I spent a lot of time today trying to clean up finger-printing dust. For future reference: the stuff gets everywhere. We've had it caked on our feet, socks, and shoes since last night. I think I got almost all of it off the laminate flooring, However, when I tried to get it off the carpet......that didn't go so well. Dark black streaks started forming each time I pulled the vacuum cleaner over it. So, we tried using some carpet cleaner to get it up. That helped a little, but we ran out. So, we had to use what we had.....which was oxyclean. It helped a little also, but we still have some dark patches on our carpet. I guess we'll have to get a steam cleaner and see if that will work. Anyone else have any ideas?

Mentally...emotionally...I'm hanging in there. I've honestly tried to block a lot of the emotions that could have rushed in: fear, worry, anger, helplessness, etc. In four months, I've experienced two of my biggest fears, and I'm still left wondering "why?" I just don't get it. Jeremy commented that he felt like a modern day Job and that I shouldn't be surprised if his skin was covered in boils in the near future. It's funny, but it's honestly how we feel right now. We feel as if we're just waiting to get hit with something else.

I think I've tried to block a lot of the emotions mentioned above because I know that is what satan would love for me to allow to come into my mind. After all of the madness of yesterday, I got a moment to myself, and I spoke to satan, simply saying, "You will not win. I won't let you get inside my mind right now. I refuse to be afraid." I can't say I was completely fearless; I did sleep with pepper spray and my tazer sitting right next me on my night stand, and Jeremy had a box cutter with him. We had a scary moment last night. It was 2am, and all of a sudden, I hear the doorbell ring, and I sit up quickly....heart racing...and I grab my tazer. Jeremy didn't hear it the first time, but he heard me sit up. The doorbell rang again. He heard it that time, so he got up and went to the door to look out the peephole. In the meantime, I have my tazer in one hand ready to go....Tucker in the other....and I'm looking out our window to see if anyone is in the backyard. We left the lights on outside, and we left Gracie out of her pen. We thought that the burglar had come back to have some fun. It turned out to be our neighbor. She had seen that Gracie was out, which is unusual, and after everything that happened, she was afraid something had happened to us. Needless to say, we ended up sleeping late this morning because sleep was not so easy last night. I had actually stayed up until about 1:45, reading and watching TV because I just couldn't sleep. So, I hadn't been asleep long when all of this happened. We let Tucker sleep with us last night, which I believe he enjoyed thoroughly. He's hard to sleep with, though, because he likes to be right up against you, and if he hears any little noise he starts growling and barking. He did well last night, though.

Tonight will probably be much like last night. We are already looking into houses that are for sale in the area. We know we won't be able to even look into new places to live until ours sells, but it's nice to know what's available. With the next house, here is what we want:

- Small, cozy, preferably a bungalow...cute farm house style (which means older)
- AWAY from town and the crazies that live in town (I know there are crazies out of town, too)
- Location: Close to the memorial park where Ayden is, or on the outskirts of the county (again...away from town)
- Not a lot of neighbors - preferably not even in a subdivision
- No fence because although they offer privacy, we now know that people can jump them and kick in a back door with no one in sight.
- An affordable price range

Here is one we LOVE (<-- click "love")If only it could stay out there for us long enough for someone to take our house off of our hands. It's everything we want. It meets every criteria on our list. It will probably be taken well before we can even think about it, but something like it is sure to come up. I'm still going to cross my fingers for this one, though. Something good has to happen soon right?

Well, so much for a quick update. Thank you all for your kind comments and continued prayers. We truly appreciate it so much.

When it rains......

Well, we walked into the house this afternoon to find out that someone had broken in.

The door had been kicked in:

They were kind enough to close the door back. How nice.

This is how some things were found:

Xbox, video camera, Wii.....all taken:

Emptied out my jewelry box and took all the jewelry that was sitting out on top. One of the small jewelry boxes on top had picture of Ayden in it, and they took that.


They stripped the pillow cases off of our pillows and stuffed everything in them.

The frame from the door:

I don't have much to say about it. I'm just disgusted. Disgusted with everything. I'm thankful that nothing of Ayden's was taken or disturbed. Our pets are okay. Everything they took can be replaced except for a few things. The did find some cash that we had saved up to help pay for our plots in the memorial park where we have Ayden. We pay for those monthly, so we had kept the cash around so we could have it available. The video camera had been used once, and it has a video of Ayden's arrival home from the hospital. I'm trying not to be upset about that because that memory is so clear in my mind. And now I'll be extra certain to keep that memory clear. We had been wanting to sell our house for this very reason. Our neighborhood isn't terrible, especially our section, but things like this have happened a few times. But they aren't common. We do have an alarm system, but it happened to be the one day we forgot to set it before we left. I'm honestly just glad neither one of us was here, our pets are okay, and they didn't do as much damage as they could have. Given our circumstances, I almost feel like, "What else can happen that hasn't already happened?" I guess that's why I haven't reacted as I would have expected.

It is creepy to know that someone, a stranger, has been in your house....seen your possessions....knows what the inside of your home looks like....knows of possible vulnerabilities. Just makes me sick.

I just pray conviction over the person/people who did it. If they only knew the home they chose and the circumstances behind the family they violated.....