It's something that I already knew....something that has been rolling around in my head for months.....but when he said it, it just hit me. He said (this is not verbatim) that when our fear stems from a tragic event, we should consider the purpose - how does God want us to use this event to impact the lives of others. Perhaps whatever the tragedy may be, God allowed it to happen because He knew someone else down the road would experience that same tragedy and they would need us to be a source of comfort, encouragement, and hope.
I let that marinate for a while after he said it, and I thought, you know.....God has already used our loss to form bonds and friendships we would never have had otherwise. He has also used us and Ayden to spread His message of hope. Wow.... I am completely humbled by that. From a young age, I prayed for God to use me in some way. When we got married and began talking about kids, we would pray for our children....even before they were conceived....we would pray that more than anything, they would choose Christ and allow Him to use them as He saw fit. I remember sitting with Ayden many times telling him that God had big plans for him - that God was going to use him to change lives. I never knew it would be so true. So many people tell us how we've impacted them or inspired them.....and I never know how to respond. We didn't do anything. We aren't actively trying to inspire or impact anyone, but I guess God is, and if I can be a vessel, then that's what I'll be. Do I feel deserving of that at all? Nope. I'm no better than anyone else, and I most certainly have my flaws. But I do trust Him, and I know that His will is going to be done whether I like it or not, so I'd better just accept whatever He has in store for me.
Now, would I give all of that up to have Ayden back? In a second! I love the bonds we've made with people and the impact we've seen as a result, but more than any of that, I will always want my baby more. That's my selfish nature as a human and a parent grieving for her child. However, I can't change the circumstances, so I have one of two options - accept God's purpose in this and choose to let it work for His glory - or - shut down, dwell in sorrow, and never move past it. Some days, the choice is not as easy as it may seem, but I feel like we've done pretty well with option number one. We're trying to, at least....
1. There are 10 days left in the school year. TEN DAYS until I'm no longer employed. That scares me just a little.
2. Collen is mover and a shaker these days, and he definitely has a routine down. Active in the mornings and especially after lunch, then very calm from about 5pm-11pm. Around 11:30, he wakes up and moves all around, and then I'll feel him off and on throughout the night. I think he's going to keep us very busy. He is different than Ayden in this way. Ayden was very laid back, even in the womb....never very busy. He was more of a wiggler. Collen is a kicker, and he lets out some pretty hard kicks from time to time. He'll move from position to position....in one moment he'll be head down, kicking my ribs....the next moment, he's flipped to his side and he's kicking me in my side! Busy, busy boy. Ironically, his heart rate is lower than Ayden's. I don't remember Ayden being below 150...maybe 145....(I'm sure he leveled out...) but Collen's heart rate continues to level out and stay on the lower end of the spectrum. He lives up to the old wives tales.....Ayden never did.
3. In July, I will be a part of the Tar River Writing Project. If you've ever heard of the National Writing Project, it's a local extension of that. To be completely honest, I'm not sure why I thought doing this would be a good idea right now. I mean, I will be 32 weeks pregnant when it starts, and it lasts through all of July. Plus, I'm not teaching next year, so I won't even be able to apply all of the writing strategies we discuss and explore. However, I am looking forward to having something that will keep me busy. I'm hoping to make some connections with other teachers, learn a lot of new things, and possibly have some staff development opportunities as a result. It'll probably fly by and before we know it, it'll be August, and we'll be that much closer to meeting Collen.
4. I was told I'd hear back on my glucose test today, but I didn't hear anything. I'm taking that as good news! Woo!