I don't want to do this.
I stood in Target...looking over toward the storage/organization section....knowing what I had to do. I never in my life thought that buying storage containers would be such a difficult, dreaded task. I made my way over, took a deep breath, and decided on the first ones I saw. I didn't need to stand there any longer than I had to. My mind raced...thinking that all the people around me saw was a pregnant lady buying storage containers. They had no idea that this woman was buying containers that would hold the clothing and belongings of her baby boy who was no longer with her.....that the decision she was having to make in that moment was a very difficult one....that the things going into those containers would be cute baby clothing that had never been worn....will never be worn by the one intended to wear it.....that each piece she would place into the boxes would evoke tears, pain, and so much loss.
In that moment, I realized that what I used to know as ordinary, will never be ordinary again. I can't even buy storage containers without it provoking a painful moment. I can't walk past a family of 3 boys and a baby girl without thinking...."if we have another boy, we will be parents to three boys....but one will be missing." One will always be missing.....therefore, what many people consider ordinary and common tasks will be the opposite for us....forever. When we're 50 and our friends' kids are graduating college...getting married...talking about their kids and their accomplishments....the sting will still be there - 23 years from now.
In my head, I just kept hearing..."I don't want to do this."
I went home, feeling strong enough to start on it. However, once I put the boxes inside his room, I just couldn't. I couldn't even fathom taking things out of the closet and off of the shelves. His room is the only room that has been left untouched. We've gradually moved things around in the rest of the house, but not in his room. Changing his room is going to feel like we're removing him.... it's the last room that is fully him....completely as it was when he was here. I can look at it and become flooded with so many happy memories. I'm afraid to change it because then the memories will change....become muddled....faint. I know this isn't much different than when a child grows older and a new child is brought in....changes are made....things don't stay the same. But, obviously, this is different.
I just wish someone would buy this house and solve this problem for us. I wouldn't have a choice then.
I too am dreading the day when Laynee's things must be packed away. We have no reason to put her things away and it scares me a little. Without something leaving me with no choice, I question if I'll ever find the strength to do it. Praying for you
ReplyDeleteKarol
Ouch. I can imagine because I've been imagining in my head...who will I ask to come help me? When will we do it? Couldn't we just leave his room his room and make the other guest room the new baby's?
ReplyDeleteWhy does EVERY * SINGLE * THING have to be so hard?
Lifting you up and sending you all our love!
PS--we were going to cloth diaper with Matthew--I spent WEEKS, literally researching...email me if you want any info...I actually have 36 sweet little newborn bumGenius diapers I was so excited to use...
we are fostering and hoping to adopt soon..I had to do this very thing a few weeks ago..I bought the containers months ago and they sat in her room for the longest time.. I called my SIL over and asked if she could help me, but there could be no tears, because once mine start, they are so hard to stop..she helped me, I went some place else mentally, talked about everything other than Ella not wearing these clothes, bows, hats, etc.. I would advise to do it earlier in the day..as the day turned to evening and I grew more tired, it became too much and we had to stop..good luck whenever you do choose to do it.. its certainly a very hard step..
ReplyDeleteI'm certainly not speaking from experience & cannot imagine how hard it must be to pack up the things that have also brought you the sweetest memories a mother could have. I think you need Ayden's little belongings in your life and I hope you will continue to celebrate his life with little Collen. Sharing Ayden's toys, clothes or bedding may seem impossible but you can celebrate each item with Collen- "this is your big brother's!" -Save those storage containers for all the toys you will accumulate. I think Ayden and Collen may have to share the room for now. As a mother, you will always need both your children close to you.
ReplyDeleteI know its hard. I've been and still continue to pack Austin's things up little by little. I haven't been able to remove everything and still open the door to his room everyday and wonder how sad it is that I no longer need those things. Why can't I be enjoying the same excitement that so many mommy's are experiencing? It's just not fair, but I know I have to keep a positive spin on it, and believe that our God has a bigger plan.... I'm ready to see it.... I'm praying your house sells. We have ours on the market too, We are ready for a fresh start... Thinking of you always,
ReplyDeleteLove
Kellie
HUGS!!! I am dealing with a similar situation. Bryson never came home from the hospital but it's still HIS room. We have so many gifts from the funeral and his short life that I just can't pack away. We live in a mobile home, so space is limited for us too. We did purchase a tall shelf to put all of his stuff on and it's still in there. There's not alot of room for it but I just can't imagine packing it away, and most of all, closing a lid on it. I hope to someday buy something that functions like a china cabinet to display it in so we can still SEE it daily. I pray peace for you through this. I pray God will provide a way that will help and be comforting. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteso true... so true. this is why i HATE family pictures... probably why i have so few.... there are always 4 smiles missing.... which makes my smile so much less of a smile..... you can actually see the change in my face with the first "family" picture after the first baby died.
ReplyDeletea mother's love grows and multiplies.... it is never divided.
packing away harceys things was one of the hardest things i have had to do. i couldn't sort through them so i just put everything soft in those vacuum bags and everything else into trunks. i cried at every item, i did it outside in the garden with the sun shining, my best friend and a bottle of champagne. we both cried all the way through it. i still have some things out that are harveys and don't need to pack it all away. the next morning though, i felt a lightness that i hadn't felt since he died, like i had just moved forward just ever so slightly. do it when you are ready, take your time there is no rush. leave the sorting till another time, it may take me years to look at it all again but i don't care, so long as its with me , lots of love, anne xxx
ReplyDeleteLindsay, Let me know if you want me to help you or even do it for you and Jeremy. Remember I'm here for you all the time. Love and Prayers, Aunt Tricia
ReplyDeleteWe actually chose to not pack things away. Bobby and Maya used "handmedowns" from Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander. As they outgrew items, of course, they were either given away (or I kept them if they held a very, very special memory) or packed up with the expectation of passing them on. But I just couldnt imagine packing their things up, and I loved the idea that, even though their siblings couldnt use those items, they could.
ReplyDeleteReading this brought tears to my eyes because I know exactly what you mean. The other day I had a relative say how great I looked for having two kids and it crushed me. I am a mother of three and she knows that, but somehow-despite holding my baby in her own arms- she forgot- but us mothers- we could never forget- our number is altered for all of time. But when we get to heaven we won't have to feel this way anymore and I take extreme comfort in knowing that.
ReplyDeleteSending love, hugs and prayers
Carrie B.
(www.citymom-countrymom.com)
My heart goes out to you Lindsay. We continue to pray for you and Jeremy. If I could by that house just to fulfill your wishes, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But we are not in a position to buy a house right now. I pray that someone buys your house soon. I don't have the words to say about you having to pack Ayden's things, because I am not in your shoes. But I imagine it's just as hard to do that as it was when he left this earth. Just know that you're in our thoughts and prayers daily.
ReplyDeleteLove, Lauren
I am so sorry if my comment hurt your feelings or stung in any way; it wasnt meant to. When I read your post, I thought that you were asking for how others handled packing away the things from their children who had passed, and I was sharing what we had chosen. In no way do I think your packing things up is a bad thing. I think you have to do what is in your heart, and what will make the days easier for you. Again, if I hurt your feelings, that wasnt my intent at all.
ReplyDeleteI would have commented sooner but as you already know I am slowww when comes to this type of thing.
ReplyDeleteMama is always here to help, Aunt Tricia and I would love to be there for you.
Love you with all my heart!!