Fear Less

Our pastor has started a new sermon series entitled, "Fear Less." Last Sunday was the first installment. Tough doesn't begin to describe that sermon for me....

Let me, first, put it into perspective for you. Before the sermon was the baby dedication/parent commitment. 11 families were up on that stage. But all I could think was, "There should be twelve." We should have been up there, holding Ayden, experiencing that moment with him. Instead, we were sitting in the crowd....looking on....so longingly, wishing that could be us. I made it through the ceremony without crying, but that took some effort.

After that, the set of songs that we sang were all songs that are difficult for me. It's hard to worship when you feel beaten with every song. That's terrible isn't it? I mean, they're worship songs. I'm meant to worship my God - a God I completely believe in - I'm meant to sing those words from my heart. But when your heart is broken and those words suddenly take on a heavier weight and meaning, it can become too much. So, I did not make it through worship without crying. In fact, I don't know that I stopped crying throughout the rest of the service.

We had our break in between for communion and offering....still crying....

Then, Tim began the message. I don't remember the message word for word, but the main point of it was that in life we are faced with many fears and many circumstances that place these fears in our lives. He ran through certain scenarios like cancer, loss of job, divorce, and then he went to the one that struck a chord with me - being told, "We did everything we could for him. There's nothing more we can do. We can't save him." At that point, I was a mess....borderline sobbing. I looked around that room wondering how many people there have actually had to hear those words....to face that reality directly....to have those words spoken in reference to someone who was your whole world. I know many of us have lost loved ones, yes, but in this case I'm thinking of a parent, spouse, sibling, or child. If you narrow it down, not that many people in that room could say they know - first hand - the weight that those words carry and how haunting they can be.

Anyway, that sermon was mostly about the reasons we fear and the hope we have in Christ in defeating these fears. I wish I could elaborate more, but I spent most of that sermon clouded and just trying to stay in my seat. I remember that it was a great message, though, and I have been thinking about it all week.

Today was better. I think because I knew what the series was about, so I was little more prepared. Also, we had a guest speaker, and while he was great....he wasn't Tim....and I just love to hear Tim preach. He has a way of relaying the message on a level that speaks to me and what I need at that moment.

I always knew that God used the words "Do not fear" or "Do not be afraid" pretty often, but apparently, He uses them very often in His Word. Aside from "Love you neighbor as yourself," it is one of the top commands. So, why do we continue to fear? Fear is such a strong part of our nature. Why can't we let it go? Why do we worry and dwell on things outside of our control? If I knew the answers, my life would be a lot less complicated.

Before we lost Ayden, I was very good at living life without fear - or so I thought. I think I was so sure God wouldn't do that to us that I had convinced myself that I wasn't afraitd of the most tragic things that could happen. Truth is, I was afraid. I was terrified. But I pushed that away so much that it became this false sense of hope and confidence for me. I think my mindset was that if I said I trusted God enough....or said I wasn't afraid enough....then I would actually believe it and God would grant us grace and keep us from what we were most afraid of. It doesn't work that way, though.

Since losing Ayden, I have become crippled with fear at times. Soon after losing him, I remember being terrified of who I would lose next. Lately, I've had dreams of losing Jeremy either in death or by him leaving me. My number one fear is that every person I treasure and love is going to be taken from me. When I first learned I was pregnant, I was petrified. Normally, most women would be ecstatic, so happy yet a little scared. I was terrified. It has really challenged my faith and my strength. I can say that I have progressed. With every day that passes, trust is being restored. The real test will be when Collen is born. I know I can have a healthy pregnancy (although, I know that isn't promised at all), and I know we can have 4 months of wonderful, but what about after that? For the first year of Collen's life, it is going to be a struggle for me not to be fearful and worried 24/7. I often wonder if God even expects me to face this without fear! I'm only human, and I am so weak. He must understand how difficult all of this is and will be. However, I want so badly to just let it all go and live His command - to face it all without fear. It can be done, but it's so much easier said than done. We lived our lives according to His will, in prayer, trusting Him with our lives and Ayden's, and the worst still happened. It's hard not to be fearful after that. It would be different if we weren't believers....if we hadn't trusted Him to begin with. This takes us to a whole new level of faith and trust, and it's going to be a daily....moment by moment struggle.

Ultimately, we really don't have a reason to fear because what God has for us after this life is the ultimate goal. However, it's what happens between now and then - it's what we're faced with in the time being - that is difficult to face. We live such backward lives. Our focus is so skewed. The world tells us that our focus should be on wealth, health, and success. The world asks so much of us. If we focus on what's going on around us....what others have compared to us....our hardships compared to others' success....the imbalance of wealth....all of it - how are we not to worry? Yet, all God wants is for us to trust Him....not to worry and not to fear....just trust Him. We make it so hard.....

At this point, all I can say is that I'm working on it, but I know I have a long way to go. I pray that God will be patient with me and help me take the little steps I need to take in order to make it to where He wants me to be.