Double digits

Saturday will mark 99 days.

99 days until Collen's expected arrival!

I've been impatiently awaiting the day I could post this blog! I know that my little ticker down to the right won't read 99 days until Monday, but it's a little off. I've been marking a new week every Saturday since one of our ultrasounds had Collen measuring a couple days ahead of what we first thought. So, Saturday - we reach double digits!

I never expected to make it this far. With each passing week, I become more and more used to the idea of accepting that Collen is coming - our second child will, God-willing, join us in about 3 months.

When we first found out I was pregnant, back in December, I remember setting milestones for myself - just make it to 8, 12, 16, 20 weeks. Once we reached 20 weeks, the next milestone was 24 weeks. I'll make it to 26 weeks on Saturday.

I still prepare myself daily for something bad to happen. I guess because I know, better than a lot of people, that I am not immune to tragedy. It's happened once, and it can happen again. As much as I long for children, I realize just how much we take on when we make the decision to become parents. Sure, when you decide you want kids and first find out your efforts have worked - a baby is on the way - your first thoughts are of this cute little baby with cute little clothes and sweet baby smells. Then, you begin to prepare yourself for when this little baby grows up, you discuss the schools he/she will go to, the accomplishments he/she will make. The list goes on and on. You have hopes and dreams for this little miracle. Most people don't consider the other alternative first off. You don't consider how you will handle the news of the loss of this child, having to plan a memorial service, paying for plots in a memorial park...financing those plots at 26 years old....and ultimately outliving that child.

When you become a parent, you have to accept that your life could take one path or the other....and there really isn't a whole lot you can do to prevent it. That's a huge responsibility. With Collen, I have done my best to remain hopeful, to even let myself consider my own hopes and dreams for him. However, I've also had to have the same talk with God that I had with Ayden. I know that God could choose to take Collen, too. I know that it is not my decision, and ultimately, His will will be done. Collen is as much His as Ayden is. Our job is to just guide and direct Collen for his life here on this earth....for as long as God deems necessary.

I'll stop there. I let my post get heavy again. mind has just been full lately, so I have to release everything here. I promise I'm not soooo serious all the time, but I guess it comes with the territory. It's part of the new me....

So....99 days...or less....until Collen joins us. I'm so excited to meet this little miracle. He has already been such a huge blessing to us. I look forward to the plans God has for his life...whatever they may be.

Keep growing little man.....we'll see you soon. :)



  1. You know...when people talk about the responsibility of being a parent, I never balked..OF COURSE I am responsible...duh!

    But you are right...there is another facet to that responsibility that you don't think about until you are forced to...and then you wonder how it didn't color every second of your life prior and how you will function with that perspective for the rest of your life.

    Can't wait to to see sweet little Collen! xoxoxo

  2. 26 weeks on Saturday, that is wonderful news. Keeping you all in my prayers. I am very happy for you.

  3. When I try to search for words to comfort you, I have such a hard time finding them. I can only say that if virtual hugs were enough then I would send them all your way.

  4. There are no right or wrong ways to walk in your shoes. You just have to take the steps (or not) that you can bear and eventually they do get a little more comfortable. Hang in there.

  5. Hi, Lindsay looking forward to meeting your little guy too:)

  6. Lindsay, I want to start by saying you are a STRONG woman! I follow you on your blog and pray each day that God will lessen the hurt day by day. I cant wait and look forward to read all about Collen as he grows up to be a little man! Keep your faith! Mindy

  7. I have followed your blog since your started. I have never met you, but I met your husband tonight when I dropped my son off at Roanoke Christian Service Camp for the first timers lock in. When I saw him, I made the comment that he looked so familiar. Then, it hit me as to why he looked so familiar and I was frozen as what to say after that.

    I just wanted to let you and him know that I appreciate his willingness to spend time and be a role model for the little boys in his dorm room. I do not know what you go through everyday. However, I can say that I do know the feeling of a loss because I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy.

    I continue to pray for your family.

    I know that you must approve all comments. I don't expect you to publish this, but I just wanted to let you know that his time is appreciated by many.

    With Christian Love

  8. I'll take all the virtual hugs sent my way :) Thank you all....

  9. I wanted to share this blog with you. I was reading a recent entry, and I thought of you, and of how you will always be a mom of (insert # here). With Collen, that will make you a mom of two.

  10. Hi Lindsay! Since I'm far away I've been out of the loop for a while and have just been back to your blog and see the news that you are expecting again -- I am overjoyed for you, and simultaneously aware of the challenges and blessings this brings all at once. Though I don't understand them I'll be praying for you!

    I wasn't able to comment on the post where you talked about not reusing some of the things that were very special and remind you of Ayden - I just want to encourage you that I think you're on the right track. What one person might be able to do, another might not be able to handle. You are thinking things through and making decisions with wisdom and practicality in mind. It is more practical to NOT use something that could cause you to burst out crying every time you see it than to use something just because it's in the closet! You are learning how to walk your path, and it is honoring God and encouraging others. I'm excited for what's ahead for you guys...the reunion some Day, and even the joy that is between now and then!

    Blessings all the way from South Africa! :)

  11. Yay for 99 days! I found my second pregnancy to move much faster than my first; I was more prepared for what to expect, being pregnant wasn't a totally foreign thing. Baby Collen will be here before you know it.

    In your previous post, "Every piece of clothing, every toy, every blanket is linked to a memory of Ayden. A memory we don't want to lose. A memory we want to be just ours and his." Beautiful. While I haven't experienced your loss, I have experienced similar feelings of wanting to save some of my first baby's things because they are HERS. Always.