Firsts and Lasts

On Sunday, Ayden rolled over to his tummy for the first time! We were so proud of him. After he did it, he looked at me like, "Wow! I can't believe I just did that!" After that, he wanted to do it again and again. Such a smart boy.

Monday was a normal day. I dropped him off at day care, I went to work, I picked up, and the happy part of my day began. We talked and played and I made him laugh so loud that night. He slept, literally, right next to me most of the night. He gets restless while he is sleeping, and I wanted him close, I put him in the bed next to me, and as usual, he squirmed his way over right up against me. He never seemed to be able to get himself close enough. I just lay there and stroked his back, patted his butt, and gave him kisses. Sleep can wait.....I just wanted to cherish every second....as I did with every, single day.

Tuesday, normal morning. Dropped him off at day care, gave him a kiss, and told him I'd see him later. I hadn't been able to spend much time with him that morning because I was rushing around trying to get ready for the first day of school. He was his usual happy self, though. At about 10:30, I got a call from day care and I heard the words I never ever wanted to hear: Ayden had rolled to his stomach while he was sleeping and when she went to check on him, he was unresponsive. We later found out that his heart had stopped before the paramedics ever got there. I was told to go to the emergency room. When I got there, I was told that he was in the trauma bay and they were still working on him and that that was good because they were still trying to help him. They took my sister and I to a family room, and my friend Candi got there soon after that. Jeremy was still on his way. A chaplan was sent in. At that moment, I knew. Soon after, the Dr. came in. As soon as he knelt in front of me, I knew he was gone. I just kept saying, "No, no no no..." The Dr. was so compassionate. He cried as he told me that Ayden's heart had stopped and they couldn't get it back. He asked if I wanted to be with him when they stopped the chest compressions. I said yes. Jeremy still wasn't there. Megan and I went back....the Dr. holding my hand. Before we turned the corner, Jeremy ran up. I had to tell him that his son wasn't going to make it. Words I never in my life thought I'd have to utter. They took us in, and there he was. My sweet baby boy.... Surprisingly, I was not jolted by the tubes and sticky things all over him. I just saw my sweet, precious, innocent son and I hurt for him so badly. They let me hold him for as long as I wanted. I told them that I knew they couldn't let me hold him forever....so "as long as I wanted" was subjective. If was as if he was sleeping...like every night when I rocked him to sleep. I held out hope even then...that once he was in my arms...maybe his heart would miraculously come back. But he was just still...and peaceful. I wanted to see him smile...hear him laugh...and realized that the ones I saw and heard last night were the last I'd ever have.

There have been many, many tears shed. I don't know how many times I've asked the question, "Why?" or said, "I just don't understand." This is beyond my understanding. Why God needed my four month old is beyond anything I could ever begin to comprehend. I feel helpless, hopeless, devastated, numb, and I don't know where to go next. I don't want to go back to work and face everyone, but I don't want to stay at home all day either. I just want my baby back. I want him in my arms, where he should be. I want him snuggled up to me, as he should be. I want him smiling and laughing and playing, "Where's the baby" with me...as he should be. I shouldn't be planning a funeral for my child. The only solace I find in any of this is knowing that Ayden was spared all the ugly things of this world. He went ot Heaven knowing that his mommy and daddy loved him more than anything else in this world. He knew that he was safe, secure, sheltered, adored, and he loved us too. I'd give anything to see those big blue eyes again...to hear him laugh, cry, coo, whine....anything.

I'm trying really hard not to be angry. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to blame anyone. I just want one more minute with my son. I know I'll see him again, but I don't want to have to wait that long. Why God needed Ayden, I'll never know. Why the happiest part of my whole life was torn away from me, I'll never understand. It's still not real...

I have to make arrangments today. How do I do that? How do I plan this? I can't even get out of the bed. I can't go 5 minutes without crying. I don't want to take his stuff out of the rooms, but I can't face it all. How do I pick up the pieces? How do I ever look at his clothes again. Everything reminds me of him.

He IS my sweet, sweet boy. He was learning to give us kisses...and what I wouldn't do for one of those kisses right now. I know he is playing with Jesus...giving him kisses....laughing, smiling, taking it all in. I just wish I could be with him. I need him.... How do I live without him?

I know life will go forward and it'll take us with it. But right now, we are stuck and we are hurting beyond belief. I never thought I could hurt like this. I don't understand why God thought I could handle this, because I'm not doing well at all. Neither of us are. It was just too soon...

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We need all the support and strength that we can get right now. We're running on empty and just trying to function.