The Desires of my Heart

I was talking to my cousin earlier this evening. She was speaking to me about the desires of my heart and that God has told us he would give us the desires of our heart. A year ago, the desire of my heart was to be pregnant with a perfect, healthy baby. I got the desire of my heart in Ayden. I never desired anything more than our precious baby. He brought ultimate happiness and joy into our lives.

With everything that's happened, I'm left to assume that perhaps I don't even know the true desires of my heart. God must know what my true desires are because I never desired this....

Romans 8:28 has popped into my mind a lot...especially when I begin to question or hit the low points (which, by the way, are more often than the high points). Just now, as I typed the above paragraph, it popped into my mind - as if God was reminding me - I WORK TO THE GOOD, Lindsay....I work to the good of those who love me. I hear Him say that to me all day long.

Today was a very hard day for me. One week ago, today, was my last day and night with Ayden. A week ago tonight, I made him laugh so loudly! A week ago tonight, I gave him his last bath. A week ago tonight, I watched him sleep and prayed over him so intently. A week ago tonight, he slept with me for most of the night because he was restless...and because I'm a pushover when it comes to him.

Then, a week ago tomorrow, our little boy left us.

I know that as each week passes, the pain will ease. But taking it one day at a time is all I can think about. I know I don't have to feel guilty about finding, or attempting to find, some kind of normalcy again, but I don't want to right now. Little things like...watching my favorite TV shows....hanging out with friends...playing board games.....I don't want to "entertain" myself right now. The only things I can manage to watch on TV are Spongebob and iCarly (yes, I watch both shows because I'd rather watch those than the rest of the junk that's on TV. I don't have to worry about profanity or sex on these 2 shows). I'm also able to watch my I Love Lucy dvds...only because I know every episode my heart, so I don't really have to "watch" it. It's just on in the background. We've had movies on...but I barely watch them... I spend most of my time on my laptop...reading messages and comments....trying to find encouragement through them.

I was talking to my sister today about thoughts that frequently enter my mind and also frighten me. I've always been strong in my faith....I accepted Christ when I was 6, and yes I knew what I was doing. I was well aware of the commitment I was making. Over the past twenty years, my faith has changed in perspective...of course. Often, this question comes to my mind: "What if everything I believe....this God....the stories of the great prophets....the promise of Heaven....what if it isn't real?" I feel so guilty for even letting that question enter my mind. After it does, I usually am able to quickly refute it with proof of the existence of my beliefs. All scientific knowledge still can not explain the workings of a mother's womb and how perfectly a child is formed.....miracles still occur with no true explanation.....and babies are taken from this world with no medical explanation other than "it was sudden and without cause." The only explanation of such things is God.

I was speaking with a friend of mine yesterday and I shared something with her that has been disturbing me. I told her that several people have told me, "Death isn't designed by God." Whenever I hear that, my immediate thought is, "Then who took my child from me?" Don't tell me it was random....or that Satan did it.....I can't believe that. God has a perfect will...one that is beyond our understanding.....HE numbers our days....HE sets the plan for our lives....HE knows how many breaths we will breathe.....God decided it was Ayden's time. She tried to explain to me what she thought they meant by that. There's so much I don't understand and won't ever understand....

I'm trying to find peace, but each day gets harder. I go to sleep at night feeling like it'll all be different in the morning....I'll wake up and he'll be here. Then, I wake up....and I'm reminded all over again of what happened. Flashes of Tuesday keep coming into my mind....holding my lifeless child....still gazing at him with wonder at his beauty and his pefect creation.....watching a team of medics do chest compressions and not wanting to stop.... I hate that I have these memories.

Please continue to pray for us. We feel lost and empty. We don't know what to do without Ayden here. We have family with us, and it's a nice distraction, but we are so afraid of the day we have to face this alone. Ayden is in Heaven, rejoicing with our Lord. I hope he is thinking of us and watching us. I want him here in my arms....I can't wait to hold him again.