The Desires of my Heart

I was talking to my cousin earlier this evening. She was speaking to me about the desires of my heart and that God has told us he would give us the desires of our heart. A year ago, the desire of my heart was to be pregnant with a perfect, healthy baby. I got the desire of my heart in Ayden. I never desired anything more than our precious baby. He brought ultimate happiness and joy into our lives.

With everything that's happened, I'm left to assume that perhaps I don't even know the true desires of my heart. God must know what my true desires are because I never desired this....

Romans 8:28 has popped into my mind a lot...especially when I begin to question or hit the low points (which, by the way, are more often than the high points). Just now, as I typed the above paragraph, it popped into my mind - as if God was reminding me - I WORK TO THE GOOD, Lindsay....I work to the good of those who love me. I hear Him say that to me all day long.

Today was a very hard day for me. One week ago, today, was my last day and night with Ayden. A week ago tonight, I made him laugh so loudly! A week ago tonight, I gave him his last bath. A week ago tonight, I watched him sleep and prayed over him so intently. A week ago tonight, he slept with me for most of the night because he was restless...and because I'm a pushover when it comes to him.

Then, a week ago tomorrow, our little boy left us.

I know that as each week passes, the pain will ease. But taking it one day at a time is all I can think about. I know I don't have to feel guilty about finding, or attempting to find, some kind of normalcy again, but I don't want to right now. Little things like...watching my favorite TV shows....hanging out with friends...playing board games.....I don't want to "entertain" myself right now. The only things I can manage to watch on TV are Spongebob and iCarly (yes, I watch both shows because I'd rather watch those than the rest of the junk that's on TV. I don't have to worry about profanity or sex on these 2 shows). I'm also able to watch my I Love Lucy dvds...only because I know every episode my heart, so I don't really have to "watch" it. It's just on in the background. We've had movies on...but I barely watch them... I spend most of my time on my laptop...reading messages and comments....trying to find encouragement through them.

I was talking to my sister today about thoughts that frequently enter my mind and also frighten me. I've always been strong in my faith....I accepted Christ when I was 6, and yes I knew what I was doing. I was well aware of the commitment I was making. Over the past twenty years, my faith has changed in perspective...of course. Often, this question comes to my mind: "What if everything I believe....this God....the stories of the great prophets....the promise of Heaven....what if it isn't real?" I feel so guilty for even letting that question enter my mind. After it does, I usually am able to quickly refute it with proof of the existence of my beliefs. All scientific knowledge still can not explain the workings of a mother's womb and how perfectly a child is formed.....miracles still occur with no true explanation.....and babies are taken from this world with no medical explanation other than "it was sudden and without cause." The only explanation of such things is God.

I was speaking with a friend of mine yesterday and I shared something with her that has been disturbing me. I told her that several people have told me, "Death isn't designed by God." Whenever I hear that, my immediate thought is, "Then who took my child from me?" Don't tell me it was random....or that Satan did it.....I can't believe that. God has a perfect that is beyond our understanding.....HE numbers our days....HE sets the plan for our lives....HE knows how many breaths we will breathe.....God decided it was Ayden's time. She tried to explain to me what she thought they meant by that. There's so much I don't understand and won't ever understand....

I'm trying to find peace, but each day gets harder. I go to sleep at night feeling like it'll all be different in the morning....I'll wake up and he'll be here. Then, I wake up....and I'm reminded all over again of what happened. Flashes of Tuesday keep coming into my mind....holding my lifeless child....still gazing at him with wonder at his beauty and his pefect creation.....watching a team of medics do chest compressions and not wanting to stop.... I hate that I have these memories.

Please continue to pray for us. We feel lost and empty. We don't know what to do without Ayden here. We have family with us, and it's a nice distraction, but we are so afraid of the day we have to face this alone. Ayden is in Heaven, rejoicing with our Lord. I hope he is thinking of us and watching us. I want him here in my arms....I can't wait to hold him again.


  1. Lindsay, thank you for being so honest with us, even though we all wish you didn't have to share any of these experiences with us.

    We all love you and Jeremy and we all continue to pray for the two of you.

  2. There is nothing I can say to ease your pain but God is the ALL knowing and All loving God. I am praying for you and your family.

  3. Lindsay,
    I am a stranger who found your story from Patrice William's blog. Please know that I have no words of comfort as your pain must be so great. Your words were so real, so raw and so beautiful. I will pray specifically that tonight your empty, aching arms are comforted a bit by our Savior. Again, praying for you...

  4. I do not know you or your family personally, but I have read your blog for the last two days and I have sat here and sobbed as I read your story. All I can say is that I am so very sorry for the loss of your son and I pray in the name of Jesus that he puts his loving arms around you and your husband and eases your pain. I have a 14 month old son whom I adore as you do with your little Ayden. Just know that I am lifting you up in my prayers and will continue to in the days ahead. Although we may not understand, God has a big plan for each of us and I know Ayden is a sweet little angel in heaven!

  5. i also found your story through patrice's blog, and i just want to say thank you for your honesty. we all have doubts, questions, unexplainable thoughts...and the only thing that will bring you comfort is to remember that He does number our days, that He does work for Good, and that He alone is worthy. i am so, so sorry for the loss of baby ayden. i have no words to comfort you. but i do have words with our Father, and i know that He is working out an amazing plan He has for you. i know that when you're hurting, it's like, who cares about His Plan? but please cling to His promises, to His eternity, to His gift, to His love, and to His plan for you, for jeremy, for ayden...i just was shown this video yesterday. it's amazing and i thought of it while reading your post tonight.

    take care of yourself. and if it's possible, take comfort in knowing that so many Believers...your brothers and sisters...are lifting you up to the Father right now.

  6. I wish I could take some of your pain away!!! You are such precious people and Ayden is soo lucky to have you as his parents!! I am praying for you everyday!!! I wish you never had to feel the hurt that you do!!! No one should have to out live there children!!! Normal life will come back when its time!!!

    Thinking about you from Georgia

  7. Lindsay,

    I found your blog through Jonah's and literally sobbed when I read what had happened. My little one, Cooper, was born the day after Ayden. It breaks my heart that you have had something so precious taken from you. Know that God has his big arms around you. Lifting you in prayers.


  8. Lindsay, Like many people, I don't know you personally but my husband Justin Burnett is from Rocky Mount. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your lose. I've cried time and time again for you and your husband. I can't begin to say that I understand your pain but I will promise to pray for you and for healing. I know it seems impossible, but our Lord can heal even the greatest wounds. I will continue to pray for you.

    Kristin Burnett

  9. Hi Lindsay,
    I too found your story from little Jonah's blog. I am so sorry that your family is facing this difficult journey. I wanted to maybe connect you to another girl whose blog I also stumbled upon a few weeks ago. Sadly, like you all, she lost her baby girl a few weeks ago. Maybe you all could find some peace knowing you are not all alone. It's sometimes hard for us to know exactly what to say when we cannot even imagine the immense pain you are suffering. Thanks for being honest and sharing your story. My heart breaks for you. I pray that God is carrying you during this time in which you cannot walk. Anyway, here is the link to her blog incase you want to visit. She too has a very strong faith that I find inspirational just as I do yours.

  10. Covering you and your family in prayer!!!

  11. Lindsay, thank you so much for spilling your heart and thoughts here for all to see. Please know that you and Jeremy and your family are being prayed for and that God loves you all very, very much.

    Words cannot convey my thoughts - I wish you and your family didn't have to experience such loss.

    Thinking of you and praying for you daily.

  12. Lindsay,

    My husband and I are petitioning the Father for you! We are so sorry for what has happened but I second what you have said that God does have good for this! We have to believe it and trust in the grace of our Saviour. Right after I read your story, I was in the car and a sermon by John MacArthur came on that was talking about death of infants and that they are in heaven. It was a very encouraging sermon that refrenced the fact that they are in heaven is a testimony of God's grace in their life! We serve a loving, mighty, and gracious God and he has a future for you and your husband that will include your past! It WILL be worked out of the good.

    We don't know you but we love you guys and are praying fervently for your family!

    "May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him"

  13. Lindsay,

    I am a complete stranger and found your blog through Jeannie Glover. You and your husband have been in my thoughts and prayers since last week. I too have a four month old son and the thought of him ever leaving me shakes me to the core. Like you I feel that my faith in God is solid but I also believe that it is perfectly fine for us to ask questions of why things happen the way they do. As you said God does work all things out for the good even when we don't understand them. I have been asking everyone I know to keep you and your husband bathed in prayers. I pray that His peace enfolds you and lifts you up in the days and nights to come. May He fill that void that has been left in your life with His peace that passes all human understanding.

    In His Love,

  14. Lindsey, I thought of you and Jeremy so often the last couple of days. I read your blog Saturday evening when I got off work and cried until my head started hurting. My mom told that I was grieving for you guys. It's not a day that does not go by that I don't think of your family. I pray for guys daily. It strange we live across the street from each other for the last past two years and really didn't connect until we both became mothers. I have learn more about you and Jeremy in the last couple days than I have in the last two years we live across from each other. It is funny how we are so similar, we both are Christian, been married about three years, what I found that was really weird was that your bridesmaids had the same exact dresses my bridesmaids had, but a different color. We even went to same doctor when we were pregnant, but we never crossed paths. I so wanted Brayden and Ayden to grow up together. I just want you know that I am here for you and your family. Continue Prays...Lisa and Shone Boyd

  15. Lindsey,
    Like many others, I only know you through your blog after being asked by Patrice to pray for you.
    Please know you are in my prayers tonight - I pray for peace for you.

  16. Thinking and praying for you more and more.

  17. Lindsay,
    I've been thinking and praying for you all week.

    I'm glad you are able to write down your feelings. I just spent an hour typing and deleting mine...looking for just the right words to help lift part of your pain away. I can't find them.

    I will continue to pray for your husband and yourself.

    Love and ((((((HUGS))))))),
    Kelly from Hillsborough,NC

  18. I too found your blog through the Williams blog. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Those words seem so inadequate and meaninless right now....I wish I could say or do something to ease your pain, but of course there is nothing. Please know that I am here, praying for you and crying with you.


    Christina in MI

  19. Lindsay,
    I don't know you personally, but you are my sister in Christ. A friend of mine, Rashel Ross, lead me to your blog to pray for you. I have faithfully prayed for you and your husband everyday. I'm so glad that you are letting God comfort you, instead of shaking your fist at Him in anger. God will never allow more to come upon us than what is necessary to experience him in a way to bring us closer to Him.

    Know that every day of Ayden's life was numbered in God's book and ordained by Him(Ps. 139:16) and that He will keep you in perfect peace when your mind is steadfast on Him (Is. 26:3). Ayden's life was not taken in vain...and God will give you back the years the locust have eaten (Joel 2:25). It doesn't make sense, it isn't fair and there's NOTHING anyone can do or say to take your sorrow away. We are lifting you up to the One who can.

    I have never lost a child, but I know grief and my heart has been heavy for you. Loss is loss, whether it's through death, betrayal or abandonment. No mother lives each day with the thoughts of it being her child's last. It sounds like you were a fantastic and devoted mother. You will be such a blessing to someone else that will walk in your shoes one day and you will be able to cry with her and minister to her in ways that I, nor others can minister. You are a warrior, called out to be a soldier on a different type of battlefield. Let God teach you and grow you through this, even though it seems that nothing "good" can come of such a tragedy...God works in unexpected ways.

    God has a record of your tears and hears your cry of lament (Ps. 56:8). King David knew that kind of grief...he even told the Lord that his heart had "turned to wax; it has melted away within me."(Ps. 22:14). I KNOW that your heart is being ripped from your chest and the pain is suffocating at times. Rest in Him, Lindsey, He is your peace and very help in times of trouble!

    Much love and prayers,
    dana shelton
    Psalm 34:17-18

  20. I also found you through the William's blog. I pray for you and your peace. I also found this poem that I then posted on my blog and it gives me some peace everyday to know I will see my son again....
    Please keep talking about it with your husband and your family...the day you stop is the day you stop healing.

  21. Lindsay,

    I am so sorry you are on this heartbreaking road. Your story has affected me deeply. My very best friend lost her perfectly healthy baby in utero a day before she was to be induced. I heard so many people say the most horrific things to her in a pitiful attempt to make her feel better about her baby's death. I can tell by reading your blog that you are undoubtedly a child of God, so I hope that you can push aside the foolish things that people will say to you. Of course you will have a million different questions and emotions running through your mind. And that's okay. Nobody expects you to just carry on. You will never be the same person you were before you lost your son. I have always heard people say that God will never give you more than you can handle. That is simply not true. God never made that promise. What God does promise, though, is that He will draw His children nearer to Him so they don't have to walk this road alone. Lindsay, I know you don't feel strong right now, but you are one amazing servant of the Lord. Who in the world could go give their testimony to a school full of children just after they've buried their son? Nobody that I know! Thank God for teachers like you!! You remain faithful and God will see you through this. You know He will.

    --On a side note--EVERYONE has at one point or another, questioned the existence of God....and here's how I see it: What if we go through life and believe with all our heart that Jesus is the one and only Saviour, talk to Him, have a personal relationship with Him, and rely on Him to pull us through our deepest and darkest days...and then when we die, we find out there really is no God? What have we lost? We've lived a life full of peace, patience, kindness, love, hope.....a life full of all of the fruits of the Spirit (which of course we know wouldn't exist without the Holy Spirit!). On the other hand, what if we refuse to buy into the whole idea of "God". We live like hell, do as we please, chase after all the wordly things...and then when we die, we find out there really WAS a God?! Then that would mean that there REALLY is a hell and there REALLY is an Eternity! And then what have we lost? OUR SOUL!!!

    Lindsay, I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I hope very soon you will find peace that surpasses all understanding!

    Love in Christ,

    Jimmi Johnson

  22. Hi Lindsay,

    I wanted you to know that I am still thinking about you and keeping your family in my heart and prayers. As I read your post so many memories came back to me because we had so many of the same feelings. One thing my daughter and I decided to do was to write down everything we remembered about Sage especially the details of the last days. I knew I would forget things and I wanted to remember every little detail about my grandson. So evertime a memory would come back to me I ran to the computer and recorded it. Even though it's only been 5 months sadly I have read things I have already forgotten. Reading them now brings me comfort and peace. I'm so thankful I wrote everything down.
    Also there is an organization that found us after Sage died. This woman lost a child to SIDS and has put together a wonderful program to honor her child's memory and to help other families. They mail you a packet full of information several times throughout the first year with each one geared toward where you are at (as closely as possible) in the grieving process. There is a book she published full of information on SIDS and many stories written by other parents who lost a child to SIDS. I will get the information for you. They were so helpful and informative.
    Lindsay I bare testimony to you that God was aware of every breath your son took and he called him home at his appointed time. There is a time and season to everything. You are right God called him home! I believe Sage's purpose was to receive a body and to teach us. Our family has learned and grown in closeness and strenght, our Faith has grown and our testimonies strengthened all Because of Sage. We are more aware of others grief and more compassionate. Sage's life had a purpose and part of that was to bring us love, joy and to give us the opportunity to grow and learn. It's easy to live your life and say that you have a testimiony of Jesus Christ and that we know he is the only begotten Son and that if we believe in him we will have eternal life. But then something like this shakes your testimony right down to the foundation. I remember telling my daughter the day Sage died, "It's game time", it is time to put your testimony/faith to the test. It is time to find out if you truly believe what you have lived and been taught your entire life. I love the child's song and scripture about, Building your house upon the rock. The rains are tumbling down not just tumbling but crashing down around us. With Sage's passing we had to ask, "Is my testimony built on a rock and will it stand firm or is it built upon the sand and will it be smashed?" Our faith, as will yours, was tested to the very limits. Satan knows our weeknesses and he lies in wait for those times when he can put doubts into our head and make us question our very testimony. So don't feel bad about questioning - it's normal - it just means Satan is doing his job - to cause us to turn away from Christ.
    Lindsay again I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
    Sages Grandma

  23. I don't even know how I arrived here...and now my heart is heavy and my eyes wet with tears. What is going on in this world that beautiful, too many, beautiful babies are leaving and their parents are suffering? God, are you shouting at us? Your hearts must be shattered, I can not imagine the brokeness. By sharing your story, complete strangers like me, are touched by his, too short, life. Ayden will live on this earth in our hearts, while he LIVES in heaven. May God comfort you and provide peace. Blessings to you.

  24. There are no words. I pray for God's strength and healing for you and Jeremy. I am so sorry for your tremendous loss of your precious little Ayden.

  25. I wish there was something I could say to bring comfort but I fear there is nothing. I am praying for you. I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful Ayden.

  26. Lindsay, I so appreciate your transparency. I feel like I am being let into a very private and vulnerable part of your life but it feels like a privilege. It's not that it feels GOOD to hurt a long with you (not that our pain is anywhere even near yours), it's that it makes me feel a little more connected to humans as a whole. It's really hard to explain, and I'm not sure if I totally understand it. It also helps me know better how to specifically pray for you and Jeremy. Even though what I'm saying doesn't really make sense, the bottom line is... thank you for letting me and everyone else in. It's going to be amazing to be able to see what good God makes from this horrible awful thing and I know you'll be sharing that with us too.

  27. You are in my prayers. Thanks for being so open and honest with us. . . God is holding you close today.

  28. Dear Lindsay,

    I am so sorry for your loss. You are walking in the path me and my husband started on back on March 19- 2009. We lost our 8 month old to SIDS.

    Words just are not enough at this time. The only thing I can do for you is pray that you find peace and comfort at this time. I am so glad you have faith in your life.

    I pray you and your husband are blessed soon with the Desires of your heart continue growing your family.

    Come visit my blogs....I have 2 one just for my little boy Sage and another for my family.

    We love you and wish you strength.

    Please come and visit when you are ready. Take your time. We can heal together.

  29. Lindsay, I do not know you personally but I found your website through Patrice's and I have not been able to get you and your family off my mind. I cannot even imagine what you are feeling. Losing a child has to be the worst thing in the world that a parent could ever go through. Please know that many people are praying for you. I only hope that will bring you some comfort in the days ahead.

  30. Lindsay,

    I read what you have wrote with tears in my eyes and my heart aches for your family. I have a friend that lost her 2 month old daughter a week this Thurday to SIDS. As my self am a mother I am at loss for words to say to her. Just know that your family are in my prayers as well as many other families.


  31. I am so sorry to hear about your loss! There is nothing I can say to ease your pain, only that my family will be praying for you and your family and the healing of your heart. I know that sometimes it is hard to understand why God would have taken away such a beautiful boy from you after such a short time, but there was a reason. Your son lived and died for a reason. What it was you may never know, or it may be years down the road before you do, but know that--there was a reason. You may have a friend, family member or co-worker who goes through this same thing and they may not believe in God, but because of you and your testimony and your life through this trial you will help to bring them to the God they might never had known. I hope this brings you some comfort. Please know that I will be praying for you!

  32. My family will be keeping yours in our prayers. I am so deeply sorry for you, your husband's, and family's loss.

  33. The Cord
    We are connected,
    My child and I, by
    An invisible cord
    Not seen by the eye.

    It's not like the cord
    That connects us 'til birth
    This cord can't been seen
    By any on Earth.

    This cord does it's work
    Right from the start.
    It binds us together
    Attached to my heart.

    I know that it's there
    Though no one can see
    The invisible cord
    From my child to me.

    The strength of this cord
    Is hard to describe.
    It can't be destroyed
    It can't be denied.

    It's stronger than any cord
    Man could create
    It withstands the test
    Can hold any weight.

    And though you are gone,
    Though you're not here with me,
    The cord is still there
    But no one can see.

    It pulls at my heart
    I am bruised...I am sore,
    But this cord is my lifeline
    As never before.

    I am thankful that God
    Connects us this way
    A mother and child
    Death can't take it away!


    I found this poem and thought of you and Ayden as well as myself and how I feel about my sons. I am Glenn Strickland's Mama and I feel like I know you and Megan through the conversations I have had with Glenn and Kristan through the years. I wish there was something I could do just to take away the pain. I hope you can find comfort in always knowing that Ayden lives in your heart just as Jesus does and he and Jesus loves you everyday all day.
    Much love, sincere heart felt sympathy and prayers to you and your family,

    Pam Sparks

  34. I can not imagine your pain. Your faith in God is amazing. As hard as it is to accept that it was His plan that Ayden was to join Him in Heaven right now, know he will be waiting for you and you will see him again. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. I have not stopped praying for you and hope that these prayers will reach your heart and give you a few moments of peace during this time. God Bless you and your family.

  35. One thought that helps me sometimes is to think that the time I will have to live without my Anna is miniscule compared to the time I will have with her in eternity. If you can keep an eternal (rather than temporal) perspective it helps.
    2 Corinthians 4:18

  36. Lindsay, I've been keeping up with your blog, thinking about you constantly, and praying for you since last week. But even after all that, I still don't know what to say to you.

    All I can say is that God had a purpose for Ayden to be on this earth for those four months and He had a purpose for calling him back home when He did. I know that right now that probably doesn't even bring much peace or comfort, and that's ok.

    I am still praying for you.

    Mandy K

  37. If you have any friends who joined the 90,000 people for the Beth Moore Living Proof simulcast this past weekend, ask them to share her insight on on the Lord giving us the desires of our heart. Her entire 2-day global simulcast was on Psalm 37:4...Delighting ourselves in the Lord and he will give us the desires of our heart. And in typical Beth style, she explained it very well. She also explained how in Psalm 37:8, "refrain" means "be still" just like in Psalm 46:10.
    Take care, sister. We're praying for you in Rocky Mount.

  38. I ache for your loss. Your post was perfect about God...our days on earth are all numbered, our life on earth is a temporary assignement. Heaven is our home. I pray that God wraps his arms around you and gives you comfort. The bible says when this tent we live it is torn down (our body here on earth) God has a house for us in heaven. Ayden is at home with our savior and you WILL get to hold your sweet boy again.

  39. Lindsay,
    I realize that I don't know you in person, but I learned of you through Patrice William's blog. Please know that I think of you often and have been praying for you. I cannot imagine the pain and grief you and your husband must be dealing with. Hold onto Jesus because He's holding onto you...


  40. Lindsay,

    A very wise friend who was struggling once told me that she could only do 10 minutes at a time, because one day at a time was way too overwhelming. I loved that and found myself praying, okay God, please just get me through the next 10 minutes. Sometimes it was five minutes or even one minute.

    We love you guys

  41. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't even imagine what you, your husband and family are going through right now. I watched your sons first giggle, and started to just cry. I can't imagine having your son here one day and gone the next. God be with you guys, prayers are being said all over the world for you and your family. I only wish the best for you and your family.

  42. Another stranger here who heard your story from various friends and coworkers. I ache for your loss. I honestly cannot stop thinking about you and your family, and endless prayers have been sent your way. Your bravery in your blogs is so admirable.

    Today's blog reminded me of this:

    Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 5: 5-6

  43. I have been praying for your daily and will continue to pray for strength and peace over you and your husband. Your sweet angel is with you everyday and I know he misses you! God Bless

  44. you are a strong woman of God! I am so grateful to have read your thoughts on God being in control of everything...even death. although He may not have intended for us to experience the pain of death I too believe that He has a plan that is greater than us. I am praying for you and your family every day!

  45. I will continue to pray for you, your husband and your family. Here are some Bible verses that may help
    1 Pet 5:6-7
    Psalms 9:9, 18:2
    Matt 5:4

  46. I just found your blog and my heart is aching for you right now! You and your husband will be in my prayers as you go through your day to day life. May God pour His richest comfort out to you during this time! Isn't it such a comfort to know one day soon, we will see our loved ones again! God bless you!