This will be long...

Many have had questions about just what happened to Ayden.  We have been told by the medical examiner that the only thing she can rule it as is SIDS.  In a way, I'm comforted by this verdict.  He didn't choke.  He didn't suffocate.  He didn't struggle.  He wasn't in pain.  God just said, Ayden...I need you sweet boy...come see me.

Yesterday, Jeremy and I had to attend a funeral service for our son, Ayden.  As you can imagine, it was the hardest thing we ever had to and will have to do.  Amazingly, it was the easiest day of this week.  I woke up at 5, as I usually do, and just wept and sobbed.  Every morning at 5, I would move Ayden into bed with us for morning snuggles.  I hardly every went back to sleep; I just watched him sleep or watched him smile up at me.  Oh, I miss that....  Jeremy and I held each other and sobbed...something I believe we will do every morning for some time to come.  As we got ourselves ready for the day, we reflected on Ayden and the abundant life he led in such a short time.  We went to the funeral home to see Ayden....how do you prepare yourself for that?  I was numb...spending a lot of time just staring away....not able to focus on what was going on around me.  We got there and Jeremy and I went in first.  He looked so beautiful...as he always did.  He looked like he did when he slept.  Somehow, I couldn't cry.  I could never look at him and cry....so I looked at him and smiled as I stroked his beautiful hair and kissed those sweet cheeks.  I was waiting to see him open those eyes and smile up at me....knowing, though, that he wouldn't.  We placed his Curious George and blue elephant blanket/lovie with him.  We put his blanket in his hands - he loved holding it and feeling the different textures.  After we spent our time with him, we stepped out so the rest of the family could see him.  We didn't want to hear them, so we went outside and sat together on the lawn.  What a healing time that was.  I'm not able to find much strength, but when I am with Jeremy...I can.  He has always been a source of encouragement and support for me....but now, he will be so more than ever.  We sat and talked and cried together about the good that has to come of this.  We have to believe that good with come...otherwise we will become bitter and hardened.  

We sat together for some time but eventually went back in to see Ayden one more time.  We each had alone time with him so we could say what we wanted to say.  I told Ayden what I told him every day - just how much he means to me, how much he was wanted, and how blessed I am to have him in my life.  I told him how much I cherished every second of my pregnancy...never complaining or griping....and then we he was born...never, ever taking a second for granted.  I hurt every time to go somewhere without him....so I never spent much time without him.  I'm so grateful for that now.  I couldn't even take him out of our room when I knew he could sleep in his crib....I just couldn't.  Again, I'm so grateful for that now.

We left the funeral home to go home and change.  I wore what I was wearing Tuesday when I held him for the last time.  You may wonder how I even look at that outfit or even managed to put it back on.  I told myself that morning when I got ready that if no one else thought I looked pretty today, Ayden would.  So, I wanted to feel that way again.

At this time, I do well with a routine...a plan for a day...because it allows me to go through the motions.  When Ayden was with us, I hated a routine or a plan....I just wanted to spend every second with him.  And for the most part, I did.  Anyway, we left for the church, again...with plans in our mind...able to go through the motions.  We received friends and family and requested that it be open-casket.  As long as I could see him, I was okay.  I know it was hard for some people to understand how/why we could do that, but it was comforting to us.  

SO MANY PEOPLE....over 550 people attending the visitation and service.  I was humbled and overwhelmed by the people that came...some from across the state.  So many of my co-workers came...I have such a wonderful group of co-workers. They are truly my family, and I love them all so much.  Our church family was amazing as well.  My parents now understand why we love our church family so much. So many prayers...so many kind words....so many speechless moments of mutual understanding.

Jeremy and I gave the Eulogy.  People commented on how strong we were and how they couldn't imagine being able to do that.  Honestly, I don't know how I did.  Maybe it's the teacher in me that was able to stand up in front of so many people.  Jeremy spoke first, reading from Tony Dungee's book, The Uncommon Man and also reading his own words.  I read from the journal I have kept for Ayden since the day we found out I was pregnant.  I read from my Monday entry of updating him on his accomplishments, gushing over him, and telling him how much we love him and then had to read from Tuesday's......  One day, I had a happy, full-of-life baby boy....the next, he was gone.  It still isn't real.  Our hope from our Euology to Ayden was that people would come to understand the hope we are able to find in the promise that we will see Ayden again.  So many parents don't know if they will see their children again once they leave this world.  We KNOW without a doubt that we will see Ayden again.  That's the only comfort I can find at this time.

We sang songs and listened to songs in tribute of Ayden and our Lord.  A video was put together of pictures and videos. I cried, smiled, and laughed.  I AM so incredibly proud of my little boy.  He IS the light of my life.  

The graveside was private...with a few friends and family.  Jeremy and I asked to see Ayden once more before we left.  I was apprehensive about this, but I'm so glad we did it.  It gave us comfort to see him one last time.  We know that it's just his body, but oh, what a beautiful body it is.  He truly IS a beautiful baby, and he's now even more gorgeous.  He is shining with the light of Heaven and the love of Jesus.  What I wouldn't give to see his smiling face.....

Afterwards, the family was fed at the church.  Again...going through the motions....dreading going home...knowing that from this point on....we have to move forward.  We have been given something to help us sleep, so Jeremy and I both took something and got ourselves ready for bed.  We prayed together and cried together and were able to get some rest.

This morning, I awoke crying once again....wondering how long I would hurt this way but thankful that Ayden NEVER had to feel this kind of pain...not once.  Today was not as structured and was therefore the hardest yet.  My students had put together something really special for today, so we planned to go and see them.  A few of my students orchestrated the wearing of white polo shirts and blue ribbons in honor of Ayden today.  I knew a lot would participate, but little did I know.....  We arrived at the school, and the students were called to the gym for an assembly.  Jeremy and I were waiting in the hallway after everyone got settled and I caught a glimpse....wow.  14, 15, 16, 17, and 18 year olds....all in white....how beautiful.  As a teacher, I know that teenagers often have their own agenda...it's natural...they're supposed to be all about themselves at this age.  So to see them all in white...wearing the ribbons...selflessly exhibiting their concern and care....I was so humbled.  I spoke with them about what happened to Ayden and the hope Jeremy and I hope to find out of this situation.  I shared very candidly about our relationship...how we met in high school...dated through college....saved ourselves for marriage so that our children would know just how special and pure marriage was to us.  I also shared my faith and my hope for them to also find faith.  I probably stepped over some boundaries, but my son just died.......I'll say whatever I need/want to say so that his death is not in vain.  My students often wonder why I love Ayden-Grifton so much....I hope they know why now.  The staff and students showed me just how much they love us today....I'm so proud to know them.

After we left the school, Jeremy and I went to the cemetary to see Ayden's resting place.  The flowers smelled so wonderful....and looked so beautiful.  Jeremy and I spent time talking more about how we are gong to find hope in this.  Our conversations are, by the way, are not casual and simple.  They almost always include tears and questions and yearnings.  Today, I wanted to change Ayden's diaper so badly....I wanted to bathe him....clothe him....hug him...kiss him....hear him...smell him....but I couldn't, and it tore me up.  Whenever I would hold Ayden, my heart would just swell with love for him....I never knew I could love so completely and fully.  I still feel that love...and the hard part is that I know he is gone, but I still FEEL him...I feel his presence...his life....his exhuberance....everything.  In a way I'm thankful for that because I get to feel that swelling of my heart, but at the same time, it is so painful because he isn't here to receive it. 

The days to come are going to be painful.

I will cry every day...several times a day.

I don't know when I wlll go in his room again.

I don't know how to move forward.

I don't want to live my life without my son.  I don't like that I don't have a choice. 

I don't like that my four month old had to experience death nor do I like that I had to experience his death.

I don't want to pack away his things.

I don't know how to live life without him.....because he was every part of my life.

Today, a yellow butterfly landed on me.  My cousin told me butterflies landing on you symbolized babies.  I hope it was Ayden saying, Mommy...I'm here....I love you....   I also hope it is a sign of happiness to come.  Jeremy and I want to add to our family again very soon.  Please pray that God finds it in His will to allow this to happen.  We don't want to feel this emptiness for long...although we will ache and cry for Ayden for the rest of our lives....he will never be replaced....but comfort will come with the joy of our future children.  

We covet your prayers at this time and in the days, weeks months ahead.  Pray for us to find strength in one another and to lean on each other.  Pray for the pain to ease, but the memories to remain.  Pray that God will see fit to bless us very soon with another little life to care for, nurture, and love in His name.  Just pray....because it's all we can do.