Harder than I expected...

First, I'd like to thank all of you who offered suggestions and advice!! It has been so helpful and has given me a lot to consider. Collen had a much better day yesterday, but I'm not sure why. I have to monitor his behavior and naps and such for a few days and see what's helping and what's hindering.

I like the "fourth trimester" concept someone suggested. That sounds very possible to me. He is becoming much more aware of his surroundings, and he makes it known if he is NOT happy with the way things are going. This boy is opinionated.....and he speaks his mind!

I've ruled out the "just not hungry" theory because in the midst of his screaming, I tried expressing milk into his mouth (sorry if that's TMI for some of you....some of my former students read this blog...), and once he tasted the milk, he'd agree to nurse. I'm wondering if he's just being lazy....and wants his milk RIGHT THEN and doesn't want to work for it. He doesn't get a bottle very often at all, so it can't be that he prefers the bottle....it takes him longer to take to the bottle actually.

I don't think it's gas or reflux. He definitely doesn't have a problem getting his gas out....and he hasn't had an issue with reflux as far as I can tell.

I checked his gums....no teeth coming in. His gums aren't swollen. Although, he has become a pro at chewing on his hands and fingers these days - this led me to wonder if some teeth just might be on their way, but I don't see any signs of them.

The ONE thing that will appease him during these crying spells....sitting up and looking around. So, that brings me back to the "fourth trimester" thing. Perhaps, he's just so interested in what's going on around him...he doesn't want to settle down and eat.

We'll see. Like I said, yesterday he was MUCH better. He took a 2 hour nap after I kept him awake for much of the morning. These seemed to help a lot. He was well-rested when he woke up and more into eating. So, maybe structured naps will help, too.

I'm just going to have to feel him out and take note of what works and what doesn't work. Babies....interesting little creatures. :)

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Now, to what was harder than expected....

I'm going to go ahead and put it out there....I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan. I've read (almost) all of the books, and I have been so anxiously anticipating the newest movie that came out yesterday! I have been known to show up for a midnight showing.....I'm that big of a fan. Alas, midnight showings are no longer possible these days. :)

My sister and I always go together. This is "our" thing. We are absolute NERDS over this stuff and will look at each other with goofy looks during the movie as to say, "You know what that means!!" Or....during last night's showing....we spent a lot of time saying, "Oh...I hated this part...." in squeamish anticipation of the scary scene that was ahead. This movie, no doubt, is the darkest of all....as it should be. But, wow....some scary scenes in this one.

Anyway, going to the movie meant having to leave Collen. Jeremy had a deacon's meeting at church at the same time the movie was playing, so we had to call in a babysitter. So, I called on my parents, and of course they agreed to come spend some time with their grandson.

Now, I could have just not gone to the movie. However, I knew that I needed to take some time for myself. In 3 months, I haven't done anything for me. I haven't taken time for myself....alone...to do something I wanted to do. So, I decided that this was the best way to "start small" by leaving him for a couple of hours.

Some of you may think I'm being dramatic, but it was so hard to walk out that door and leave him behind. The last time I walked out a door and left my child behind.....it was the last time I was saw him. So, I think the difficulty of this is understandable.

I fought back tears on my way to the movie theater, but once I got there, I was okay. I was anxious, and I texted my dad during the movie to check in. He assured me that all was well. I just didn't feel right. It took me back to the months after Ayden passed away. The feelings of..."My child should be with me. Why am I out...without my child?" Those few months were so terrible because I had to spend a lot of time reminding myself that he wouldn't be waiting for me when i got home. It's a very lonely, desperate feeling. This time, I had to keep reminding myself that Collen WOULD be waiting for me when I got home....and that he was going to be okay.

In the end, everything went well. He cooperated for my parents, and I enjoyed Part 1 of the last of the Harry Potter epic! As soon as it was over, I bolted for my car and was lucky enough to catch every green light on the way home! I know every mother struggles with leaving her child...especially when they're so little. Collen and I appear to be attached at the hip, and I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

This did show me, though, that I am not ready to go back to work. I recently turned down a part time position at the school I have worked at for the last 4 years. It was only one class...2 hours...and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. It would mean finding childcare for 2 hours...and that would likely mean someone other than family, and I'm just not ready for that yet.

So, I'm looking into teaching online and have registered for training. I've also applied for a job with the state department of instruction that will allow me to travel and "work-from-home" so to speak. It is a bit more flexible than being in the classroom, and it pays well. So, we'll see. That one is a long shot, but it can't hurt to try!

Thanks again for the suggestions...and for reading. Things don't seem so interesting around here, but you guys continue to read and keep me uplifted and encouraged! It's a true blessing. :)