Harder than I expected...

First, I'd like to thank all of you who offered suggestions and advice!! It has been so helpful and has given me a lot to consider. Collen had a much better day yesterday, but I'm not sure why. I have to monitor his behavior and naps and such for a few days and see what's helping and what's hindering.

I like the "fourth trimester" concept someone suggested. That sounds very possible to me. He is becoming much more aware of his surroundings, and he makes it known if he is NOT happy with the way things are going. This boy is opinionated.....and he speaks his mind!

I've ruled out the "just not hungry" theory because in the midst of his screaming, I tried expressing milk into his mouth (sorry if that's TMI for some of you....some of my former students read this blog...), and once he tasted the milk, he'd agree to nurse. I'm wondering if he's just being lazy....and wants his milk RIGHT THEN and doesn't want to work for it. He doesn't get a bottle very often at all, so it can't be that he prefers the bottle....it takes him longer to take to the bottle actually.

I don't think it's gas or reflux. He definitely doesn't have a problem getting his gas out....and he hasn't had an issue with reflux as far as I can tell.

I checked his gums....no teeth coming in. His gums aren't swollen. Although, he has become a pro at chewing on his hands and fingers these days - this led me to wonder if some teeth just might be on their way, but I don't see any signs of them.

The ONE thing that will appease him during these crying spells....sitting up and looking around. So, that brings me back to the "fourth trimester" thing. Perhaps, he's just so interested in what's going on around him...he doesn't want to settle down and eat.

We'll see. Like I said, yesterday he was MUCH better. He took a 2 hour nap after I kept him awake for much of the morning. These seemed to help a lot. He was well-rested when he woke up and more into eating. So, maybe structured naps will help, too.

I'm just going to have to feel him out and take note of what works and what doesn't work. Babies....interesting little creatures. :)

Now, to what was harder than expected....
I'm going to go ahead and put it out there....I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan. I've read (almost) all of the books, and I have been so anxiously anticipating the newest movie that came out yesterday! I have been known to show up for a midnight showing.....I'm that big of a fan. Alas, midnight showings are no longer possible these days. :)
My sister and I always go together. This is "our" thing. We are absolute NERDS over this stuff and will look at each other with goofy looks during the movie as to say, "You know what that means!!" Or....during last night's showing....we spent a lot of time saying, "Oh...I hated this part...." in squeamish anticipation of the scary scene that was ahead. This movie, no doubt, is the darkest of all....as it should be. But, wow....some scary scenes in this one.
Anyway, going to the movie meant having to leave Collen. Jeremy had a deacon's meeting at church at the same time the movie was playing, so we had to call in a babysitter. So, I called on my parents, and of course they agreed to come spend some time with their grandson.
Now, I could have just not gone to the movie. However, I knew that I needed to take some time for myself. In 3 months, I haven't done anything for me. I haven't taken time for myself....alone...to do something I wanted to do. So, I decided that this was the best way to "start small" by leaving him for a couple of hours.
Some of you may think I'm being dramatic, but it was so hard to walk out that door and leave him behind. The last time I walked out a door and left my child behind.....it was the last time I was saw him. So, I think the difficulty of this is understandable.
I fought back tears on my way to the movie theater, but once I got there, I was okay. I was anxious, and I texted my dad during the movie to check in. He assured me that all was well. I just didn't feel right. It took me back to the months after Ayden passed away. The feelings of..."My child should be with me. Why am I out...without my child?" Those few months were so terrible because I had to spend a lot of time reminding myself that he wouldn't be waiting for me when i got home. It's a very lonely, desperate feeling. This time, I had to keep reminding myself that Collen WOULD be waiting for me when I got home....and that he was going to be okay.
In the end, everything went well. He cooperated for my parents, and I enjoyed Part 1 of the last of the Harry Potter epic! As soon as it was over, I bolted for my car and was lucky enough to catch every green light on the way home! I know every mother struggles with leaving her child...especially when they're so little. Collen and I appear to be attached at the hip, and I wouldn't have it any other way. :)
This did show me, though, that I am not ready to go back to work. I recently turned down a part time position at the school I have worked at for the last 4 years. It was only one class...2 hours...and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. It would mean finding childcare for 2 hours...and that would likely mean someone other than family, and I'm just not ready for that yet.
So, I'm looking into teaching online and have registered for training. I've also applied for a job with the state department of instruction that will allow me to travel and "work-from-home" so to speak. It is a bit more flexible than being in the classroom, and it pays well. So, we'll see. That one is a long shot, but it can't hurt to try!
Thanks again for the suggestions...and for reading. Things don't seem so interesting around here, but you guys continue to read and keep me uplifted and encouraged! It's a true blessing. :)



  1. I have not yet read your WHOLE post, but I just wanted to say the first few months are so hard. And add to that the trauma you are still experiencing from Aidens death. I really admire you and your strength (even if you do not see it for yourself). I wish we lived a little closer so we could hang out. Thinking about you and praying for you and your family!

  2. If you are interested in working, what about doing tutoring? Check out the going rate, in our area it is 35-50 an hour, and you control your hours. Having wanted a gifted teacher to be a tutor for my kids I would have been willing to compromise if a baby was in tow.
    The other thing I see parents paying for is help to prepare for the reading/writing portions of the SAT and ACT as well as the college essay. Again, it seems folks are willing to pay fairly well for this help for their child.

    Just throwing these things out your way as you consider your options. The last suggestion is for you to write "Ayden's" book.

    The one thing I know is that everything will work out better than you hoped for as far as blending mothering Collen and working.

    Good for you to take the step in getting out to watch the movie!

  3. I too was a teacher before I became a stay at home mom. Six years later, I have NO regrets about not going back. One possibility for work for you would be getting a job as a test scorer. I work for Pearson Education as a test scorer and the pay is pretty decent. It's all from home, so there's no traveling or anything. If you want more info, I'd be glad to pass it your way!

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  5. ((hugs)) i understand completely. D and i talk about what to do when we have more kids. i just can't leave them. it makes me have a panic attack to think about it. :'(

    D and i are big HP fans too. we'll be going to see the movie next weekend. glad to hear it was good.

  6. I can't understand what it's like to leave your child, because sometimes I HAVE to get away. But in the four and a half months since Liberty was born, I haven't gotten away, but I have had a couple of nights by myself while the wifey spends the night, with the baby, at Liberty's Godmama's house.

    BUT, I will say that after the first time I read your blog, around Liberty's 2nd month or so, I've been very apprehensive about leaving her with anyone but me or my wife.

    My wife is a little more open than I am to let her stay with the church nursery for an hour while we're in church, but I am against it.

    I just wouldn't be able to handle it if anything happened. I'm glad you enjoyed the movie though.