When it hits you out of nowhere...

When we first lost Ayden, I remember writing about how hard it was for me to listen to music.  For me, music - especially Christian music - brought so much to the surface that I wasn't ready to face.  Jeremy was opposite, which made grieving together difficult because we had different outlets.  Music helped him. It hurt me.

August will mark 3 years.  Today was the first time in 3 years that I forced myself to listen to one of the songs played at Ayden's service.  While I have gotten much better about music, there are still moments when I turn the station or just turn the music off altogether because I know where it will lead.   I was dropping Collen off this morning and switched over to our local Christian station.  Once I heard the first 2 words, my arms reached out in a reflex action to turn the station, but I stopped myself.  After 3 years, I can't keep hiding from it.  In front of Collen, I can't turn a song just because I know it will bring pain to the surface.  I don't want to teach him to run and not confront tough situations (although, yes...this is helpful in certain situations....sometimes you just have to spare yourself the pain in that moment....).  So, I listened. For the first time in nearly 3 years.  And right there on the way to the babysitter's house, the tears were flowing.  But it was good.  I felt good to let it go.  What felt best was thinking of Ayden...remembering...even the hard parts.  Life moves so fast these days that while I do think of Ayden every day, I don't get to sit and dwell...and just mull through the memories.

The song was "Cry to Jesus" by Chris Rice.  It has a doubly special/difficult meaning now that I am also without my dad, but I love, LOVE the "Fly to Jesus" part. I certainly can't wait until that day come for me as well.  We chose this song for Ayden's service specifically for the order of the words.  It fits the loss...it fits the process...it fits life during its most difficult times. Come to Jesus, Sing to Jesus, Fall on Jesus, Cry to Jesus, Dance for Jesus, Fly to Jesus.  So grateful that He's there and will embrace in every moment.

Chris Rice - Untitled Hymn (Come To Jesus) Lyrics 

Weak and wounded sinner 
Lost and left to die 
O, raise your head, for love is passing by 
Come to Jesus 
Come to Jesus 
Come to Jesus and live! 

Now your burden's lifted 
And carried far away 
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so 
Sing to Jesus 
Sing to Jesus 
Sing to Jesus and live! 

And like a newborn baby 
Don't be afraid to crawl 
And remember when you walk 
Sometimes we fall...so 
Fall on Jesus 
Fall on Jesus 
Fall on Jesus and live! 

Sometimes the way is lonely 
And steep and filled with pain 
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then 
Cry to Jesus 
Cry to Jesus 
Cry to Jesus and live! 

O, and when the love spills over 
And music fills the night 
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then 
Dance for Jesus 
Dance for Jesus 
Dance for Jesus and live! 

And with your final heartbeat 
Kiss the world goodbye 
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and 
Fly to Jesus 
Fly to Jesus 
Fly to Jesus and live! 


  1. Did you ever see this post of mine? For a good month or so, before we lost Trey, I played this at least three times a day. Also one of those hard ones for me to listen to, but just in that mood...for a month. Swelling up with tears over the heart beating for the last time part...I wrote this post about two weeks before Trey's last heartbeat.

    Tears. But grateful to share them with you.

  2. I've enjoyed listening to "Held" recently. I also forced myself to listen to "Tears in Heaven" at home so I wouldn't wreck the car when it came on the radio the fist time ;)

    I'm sure you don't remember me...but I ran into you at the pediatrician's office a loong time ago (when Colin was just a teeny little baby) and introduced myself as a "blog reader". Fast forward a couple of years and my own son is on the waiting list for "Christian's Beach".

    Biggest congratulations on your latest addition!


  3. A very dear friend recently shared with me that when moments of grief come over me to let them come... cry and while I am to talk to Jesus tell him exactly how I"m feeling and then ask Jesus... Jesus where are you right now in this moment. Usually I get a picture or a word but always I know Jesus is right there beside me and comforting me...

  4. A very dear friend recently shared with me that when grief comes to let it out and to talk to Jesus in the midst telling him exactly how your feeling and ask him "Jesus where are you right now in this moment" and usually I get a picture or a word but always I know that he is right there comforting my heart.