Obviously, I haven't been keeping up my blog as I should. I wish I had more time to devote, but time is scarce these days. I was already behind at work when everything happened with my dad, then I took a week off, and I became even more behind. Not saying that I really care....I did what I had to do to take care of myself and my family. So, I'm slowly but surely catching up....definitely slowly.
Lately, I've been having those typical moments after loss....when you forget. I would talk to my dad on the phone every couple of days - either on my way to work or on my way home. On my way to work this morning, I had some down time after dropping Collen off and then driving to school. I had the sudden urge to call my dad...my mind was saying, "You haven't talked to Daddy in a while." My common sense kicked in just behind that thought with the obvious answer as to "why". Those moments are hard. When, for a split second, you forget that that horrible event ever happened, and then you're quickly reminded and hit with it all over again. It happened again on my way out of work. I was walking across the grass to get to my car, and I saw all these little holes in the ground...like an animal had tunneled all these little holes, and just as I was thinking, "Daddy would know what made these...." reality hit me again. ugh...
I've dreamt of my dad twice, and I have to say, it is quite comforting to see him there. When I'm awake, I feel very lost without him. Then, when he shows up in my dreams, everything feels "right" again. In my last dream, he was lying on the couch at he and my mom's house. I was so overcome to see him because I've missed him terribly. In my dream, I went over to him and knelt down....laying my head on his chest....just sobbing. He said, "What's wrong, sweetie?" And I answered, "I miss you, Daddy." And I think I remember him saying, "I know you do" in that tone of his that would say - "I know you're sad and upset, but everything is going to be okay." Oh, how I miss that voice and tone.....it brought such peace and calmness into my life.
28 years with someone is a short span of time when you're looking at the big picture. But, 28 years of memories, routines, traditions.....that's a long time to build a life with a person....to build such a secure and meaningful relationship. And now that that is gone, so abruptly, it has been very hard to get used to.
The grief I am experiencing through this loss is much different than losing Ayden - as it should be. Losing your child is probably the most tragic loss anyone can ever experience. It's not natural...it isn't expected. Now, I certainly didn't expect to lose my dad at 28, but my heart was beginning to prepare itself for his loss. I knew it was going to happen, and Daddy has been trying to prepare us for years now. But, as much as you anticipate it and try to wrap your mind around life without someone you cherish, you're never ready when it happens, and it hits hard. I haven't expressed my grief emotionally very much this time. I've held a lot in. A lot. Instead of feeling overwhelming pain, I've felt more of an overwhelming sense of confusion....feeling very lost and uncertain about everything.
I've been very open about how loss has affected my faith and relationship with God. No doubt, I've gone through a lot of questioning. A lot of doubt. A lot of wondering.....about everything. All the "what ifs" take over because you can't help but consider them. At first, I would push it all away....shocked that I would even think that way....that I would even doubt! Then, I realized, it's normal...and it has actually made my faith deeper. I've had to search my heart and really own what I believe.....really get into scripture and theology....and decide what I believe in the hardest of situations. I still have a long way to go, and before this, I felt like I was finally getting somewhere....finally getting to solid ground. Although this did spur the questions again, my foundation is much stronger. And I have my Dad to thank for that because whenever I questioned....whenever I doubted....he was one of those voices of reason....one of the people who helped me keep my faith. But, now, I understandably feel a little lost now that that is gone....but luckily, I can hear his voice still....telling me to keep leaning on the Lord.
We are taking a much-needed family vacation this weekend. We've never gone on a trip where it was just the three of us. We decided to take advantage of the last little bit of warm weather left and take Collen to the NC Zoo. I haven't been in a very long time. I'm really looking forward to it! We are planning to take our time...taking Friday and Monday off...and just spend time together as a family. Please pray for safety as we travel.
I know so many of you continue to think of us and remember us in prayer. Thank you, thank you, thank you! It means so, so much...especially when I just can't find the words to pray sometimes. I know God knows my heart, and he knows our hurt.....He knows what we need. I'm so thankful for that.