Back to work


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I meant to write about Monday on....well...Monday, but this week has gone by very quickly. And here it is, Thursday night, and I'm staring the weekend in the face (thank God!).


Needless to say, going back to work Monday was not easy. It's amazing how quickly you get out of the groove...especially when teaching. It was as if I was meeting my students all over again. Most of them, though, were very gracious and sympathetic. A couple of them actually had flowers sent to me during class (I was holding back tears at such a kind gesture from middle schoolers!). Of my 3 three, a majority of them were extremely sympathetic and cooperative. But, you always have those few.....the ones who can just ruin it all. I choose to ignore them and just focus on the ones who make it worthwhile.


I did not teach on my first day back. I had planned to. I had notes ready to go. But, I just couldn't get my "teacher voice" going. I needed to my legs back under me. So, I did what every good teacher does - we watched a movie. It was Halloween....so why not? And I chose two movies that were both based on literary works. For my advanced group: The Count of Monte Cristo (they LOVED it!!) and for my standard groups: Because I knew it might keep their attention more - The Others (based on Henry James's The Turn of the Screw). My 2nd group loved it, and I loved watching them squirm when that suspenseful music started to play. My 3rd group...well, they're my challenging group. We survived it....and that's an accomplishment.


I have gotten back into the swing of things, and being back at work has been a good distraction. It's just strange, though, because I feel like I have a split personality. All day, I'm in teacher mode, but my grieving side....the daughter who desperately misses her dad....tries to push through all day. And I have to push back in order to keep my composure. On the outside, it looks like I'm handling it all well, but on the inside.....I'm not. Once school is over, and I'm in the car on my way home, I'm breaking down.....the emotions surface....and I'm a meltdown waiting to happen. It definitely takes a toll on you when you have to handle it this way.


I'm so used to picking up my phone on the way home and calling Daddy....or him calling me. I miss that so much. That's what I have missed the most this week....hearing his voice. It is becoming more real, which is just plain hard. But, I am able to find comfort in knowing that my dad is up there in heaven....with Ayden. They're together. 2 friends have made allusions to butterflies this week....both mentioning my dad and Ayden together represented as those butterflies. It's such a sweet image.....warms my heart a little bit. I also find comfort in knowing that my dad is worshipping....boy is he worshipping!! I loved to watch my dad worship the Lord. For his memorial service, we chose the song, "How Great Thou Art." There was no question in my mind what had to be sung at his service because that song IS my dad. As a child, I remember watching my dad sing this song....belting it out....raising his hands...and tears rolling down his face. He meant every word. He was always in awe of God. He taught me to be in awe of God. We shared so many interests - nature, weather, animals (birds in particular), the Universe (he and I loved looking at the constellations, planets, pictures of galaxies and stars), and we would talk about the return of Christ because the book of Revelation always fascinated us. I'm really, really going to miss sharing those things with him because those were things that I shared only with him.

As the song was sung at his service, I sat with my eyes closed....taking in every word. It had been a while sing I had last heard the song, but I knew most of it by heart. I hadn't realized, until that very moment, just how perfectly it fit my dad.

Stanza 1:
O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all
The world Thy Hand hath made,
I see the stars,
I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy pow'r throughout
The universe displayed;

Refrain:
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!

Stanza 2:
When through the woods
And forest glades I wander
I hear the birds
Sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down
From lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook
And feel the gentle breeze;

Refrain:

Stanza 3:
And when I think,
That God, His Son not sparing;
Sent Him to die,
I scarce can take it in;
That on the Cross,
My burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died
To take away my sin.

Refrain:

Stanza 4:
When Christ shall come,
With shouts of acclamation,
And take me home,
What joy shall fill my heart
!
Then I shall bow
In humble adoration
And there proclaim,
"My God, how great Thou art!"

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that joy filled my father's heart in the moment that he met Christ face to face. My prayer is that, here on earth, I can be half the person and believer my dad was every single day.

6 comments:

  1. Praying for your aching heart.

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  2. Sweet, sweet friend....my heart aches for you...and so much more because I SO>REMEMBER>THIS>FEELING! Seriously...after my mom died and I went back to school, it was just as you described it...functioning and seemingly fine on the outside and when I left that building, I'd come home and just wither away...my heart was broken and John was deployed and I just was alone, only wishing that I could hear her voice just one.more.time. It is so hard, but I am overjoyed that your father's faith is what is helping YOU right now...what a legacy he's left. Praying for you and your family daily!

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  3. Praying for you and your family. Your Father sounds like a wonderful man.
    Kelley

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  4. Thinking and praying for you, Lindsay!
    Love, Kelley

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  5. Hope the trip this weekend brought you a little comfort. Thinking and praying for you and the rest of your family.
    Love, Kelley

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