The fog is lifting...

Me and my family have spent the past week in a literal fog. I know I, personally, have been deep in denial that it all actually happened. That my dad is gone. It just wasn't real......

....until we came home. We have spent the past 9 days at my parents' house. You would think that would make it more difficult, but ironically, it has made it a bit easier. Even though Daddy's absence was clearly felt, it was easy to pretend that he was just in another room....out of sight....about to pop in at any moment. We had gotten so used to him being gone on business or in his office working, so we were used to him making a short appearence only to go back to work or to lie down.

Jeremy and I came home today. I have to go back to work tomorrow after being gone for a week. I absolutely dread it. I know getting back into a routine will help, and it's exactly what Daddy would tell me to do, but it scares me. I'm worried that my students won't be patient with me....and that one little thing will put me into a meltdown.

Speaking of meltdowns. As I said, I was okay, for the most part, until we came home. Jeremy had a coaches' meeting, so he left as soon as we got all of our bags and stuff into the house. It was just me and Collen....and a house I hadn't stepped foot in in a week. I was quickly overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done: cleaning, straightening, unpacking, schoolwork, planning, bathing and feeding the baby, putting him in a crib he hasn't slept in in over a week (he slept with me....hard transition). A meltdown came, and it came quickly.

My dad has always been my constant. When things were turned upside down and I was sure that life was never going to be the same again.....he was always there. He could calm nerves and ease my worries. At a young age, I dealt with anxiety. I would wake up at night crying, not sure of why I felt so anxious and worried....I just was. Daddy would come into my room and sit next to me. He would calm me down, talk to me, and pray for me. He would stay with me until I fell asleep. I cherish those moments with him.....stolen moments, just me and Daddy. I have a great relationship with my mom....I know I don't talk about it much, but she and I do have a wonderful relationship, and I go to her for so many things. However, with Daddy....I never had to explain myself....he just got me. I guess because he and I are so much alike. I would do anything in the world for my Dad. I was a bit more stubborn with my mom (sorry mom ;) I guess that's how mothers and daughters are, though). Daddy has always been the one person who made life stable. And now, without him, I feel completely unbalanced. No one can fill the Daddy-sized hole in my heart. 28 years of memories. 28 years of nothing but wonderful, treasured memories.

I've tried not to think about everything Collen will miss out on. I can't let my mind go there, yet. Collen adored my dad. All anyone had to do was be in a room with them for 2 minutes and the connection was clear. My dad is the one person Collen would go to over ME...his own mother! As long as Pa Pa was in the room, no one else mattered to Collen. He would light up at the very sight of Daddy. Collen is blessed with two great men for grandfather's, but I hate that he will only grow up really knowing one of them. I know what he's missing out on, and I ache for what he's missing. He won't go without knowing about his Pa Pa, though. We'll tell him all about him and be sure he knows how much his Pa Pa loves him. Collen is a lot like me....in personality and looks....and that means he's a lot like his Pa Pa. I love that....

I was telling my mom yesterday that out of all of us, I know Daddy was the most ready to go. Meaning....he was happy to be here while he could be, but if it was his time to go....he wasn't going to argue. I knew that, and the human side of me feared the day it would happen. Aside from losing a child and losing my husband, losing my daddy was at the top of my list of most-feared things. But, I knew that I couldn't have him forever, and I knew that given the opportunity, he'd go willingly. I'm thankful that we didn't have to watch him in a hospital....waiting. I'm thankful that he went quickly and peacefully. And i'm thankful that he is where he longed to be. He talked about it daily. I know he was so ready to get to Heaven and worship our God. Our loss is certainly Heaven's gain.

And as my mom said, "The world is just a little emptier, and the sun doesn't shine quite as bright anymore." And anyone who knew my dad, would agree.....it just isn't the same anymore.

I know I say it all the time - Lord come quickly.....