I often write about meeting you in my dreams. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but in a way I am thankful for that....it makes the dream even more vivid and memorable. It is a treasure I can cling to....grace from our Father. I truly believe He gives me these glimpses as a way to help me bide my time....until we're together again.
Today, I was napping with your brother. I slipped into a deep sleep and began dreaming. I thought it was real....I hardly ever sleep so soundly! In my dream, I was watching a video of the two of you. You were both around the same age....about 10 months old. I was amazed to see my boys together...side by side. The two of you were doing what all brothers do - playing/wrestling together. Throughout the dream, I had the biggest smile on my face, but as usual...I kept wondering how it could be. How were the two of you together? And then, again as usual, I decided that didn't matter....I would cling to the moment as long as I could. It was beautiful to see the two of you together.
And then, of course I woke up, and I realized it wasn't real. I quickly closed my eyes again, praying to continue the dream. There you were again, but this time - it was you and me, sweet boy. :) I was holding you, marvelling at your beauty (you truly are/were a gorgeous baby....), and giggling about your pudgy rolls and porcelain skin (traits you surely got from me!). You were all smiles, as usual, and so was I. It was one of those moments within a dream that you pray you never awake from. But, of course, I did.
My heart has been heavy lately. I miss you....I always miss you....but I have moments when "missing you" feels like my heart being ripped out all over again. I have described grief as an ocean, with waves that sometimes come as small ripples and then at other times come as tidal waves, crashing relentlessly. I still experience those crashing waves from time-to-time. Not as much as I did in my earlier stages of grief, but I want mothers/parents out there to know that although the waves don't hit as often.....they still hit. The pain remains. And as the years pass, I expect the waves to continue to come. I've done a lot of, "I just want him here" and "Lord, please come quickly" lately. The prospect of Heaven is more urgent with each passing day....the opportunity to finally be with you....to finally be a whole family....it is always on my mind. I long for that day.
This time of year is hardest for me because I am taken back to the days, weeks, months after passed away. That was the lowest I have ever been. The closest I have ever felt to being completely without my senses....just numb and vacant. The holidays are hard. Music continues to be difficult for me. I still can't bring myself to hear the songs we played at your celebration service. It hurts too much.....still. It probably always will.
I want you, and others to know, that although your physical absence is felt....you are not absent from our lives and our hearts....and our love. You are remembered every second of every day. You are a very present part of our lives, and we live our lives differently because of you. Our steps are more cautious, more considerate, more purposeful, more deliberate. There is no question what our ultimate goal is: to be in Heaven with Jesus and you. There is no question of our hope, and we do our best to live that hope and let it shine through us each and every day.
We love you, Ayden. We know you know that. We know you are okay. We know you are safe...and waiting. And we are waiting (im)patiently to be with you again. 4 wonderful months with you.....and life here without you.....joy and heartache....all to experience eternity together. Lord, come quickly.