Back to where it all started...


14 comments
Starting the grief process all over again is very strange. I'm conflicted because I know what my dad would be telling me to do right now, but my heart may burst from the pain of it all. My dad was always very real with me....verbalizing reality to me whenever he could. "You know I won't be here forever. You have to accept that." He would explain to me and my sister where we could find the insurance information or how he wanted things done. I remembered my dad saying, "Don't make a fuss over me. I don't want to be dressed up." He never gave himself credit....for anything.
When 450 people showed up to his service, at 2 on a Monday afternoon, I was not surprised in the least. Wherever my dad went, he touched lives. Just being around him, you could feel the grace flowing through him. He was never quick to judge...always considering others before himself. He was a bit old-school about some things, but for the most part, he kept his opinions to himself. He was "Heaven-focused." It was all he talked about. I knew that I wouldn't have my daddy with me forever, but I didn't like thinking about it. He made that difficult though, because he was always talking about Heaven....about Christ's return....about the day when he would finally make it. I'm more selfish...I guess. I need my dad for so much. When I needed a reassuring word, a vote of confidence, or just a "Hey, sweetie" I would call my dad. When Jeremy needed help with anything around the house...or going to pick up something...I'd call my dad. My dad loved Jeremy. He loved being able to hang out with his "son." And as Jeremy put it at Daddy's service, "It's not often that your father-in-law is one of your best friends." Daddy was a friend to everyone he met. I spoke to a perfect stranger yesterday - a lady my dad found while working on genealogy (one of his passions) - and she spoke to me about how much daddy had touched her life in the very short time she had known him. When you met my dad, you were met with kindness, acceptance, grace, humor, and love.
I've been walking around the past few days wondering how the earth is still spinning without this man. How has life continued without him? It shouldn't be possible. I find myself wondering how in the world I'm able to get up and put one foot in front of the other, and I'm met with "because that's what he would want you to do." Daddy would tell us, "Girls, I'm okay. Don't you worry about me. Just take care of your mom." I know he's okay, but I'm not. I never would have imagined that I would lose my dad at 28. It still isn't real. We are still operating under the "daddy's coming home any day" mode (since he travelled a lot for work). But, days pass, and he still isn't here.
I spent the first couple of days after he passed feeling extreme anger. I had the compulsion to kick things, throw things, break anything I could. Since I've experienced grief....the full process...I guess I skipped a few parts of the process. I sat through the decisions and arrangements unable to speak....just not wanting to accept it. I wanted to run out and get as far away from all of it as I could, but I knew I had to be there. I'm the oldest. I'm the one who has to stand up and keep things moving. And I will because daddy would want me to.
Thank you all for your kind comments, encouraging words, and your prayers. Please keep them coming. We definitely need them.

14 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear about your Daddy. I will be praying for you and your family. So thankful for the promise of Heaven. <3
    Take Care!
    Natalie

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  2. reading about your relationship with your dad makes me wish i was closer with my own dad. i am so, so sorry for your loss, and sorry that collen will not know this many you loved so much.

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  3. oh Lindsay, I'm so sorry. I just was catching up on your blog and saw this news. I'm sorry.

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  4. my heart breaks for you, Lindsay. We're always going to have this... the time we went through grieving together, separately, for the losses of our own fathers. I was sitting next to my dad when I found out about yours and I told him about it and how my heart hurt that you were being put through more grief. He could not express himself but I bet you that he prayed silently to himself for you. I wonder if they met yesterday... if my dad said "so you're the one I was told about".

    Hold tight to those good memories of him.

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  5. continuing to think of you and your family

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  6. Lindsay,
    My heart aches so bad for you, even though I'm almost your Dad's age, losing my Mom at this age hurts so bad too! I literally picked up the phone after visitation to tell her what everyone had said about her, and how many people were there, and I realized she wasn't there, and would never pick up that phone again...I believe I'm still in denial. Please know ya'll are in my thoughts and prayers.

    MK Hucko

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  7. I have been consumed with thoughts and prayers for you and your family lately. I wish there was something I could do or say to help.
    My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry.
    Continuing to pray - Kelley

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  8. blessings.... the circle of life is always a hard thing to get a grasp on... God's timing isn't ours most of the time ... lost my dad in 2007 ... still not easy... October is his birth month... please know that I'm thinking of you and yours

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  9. Oh, Lindsay! I'm so sorry to hear about your Daddy. I can only remember being around him two times, but I very clearly remember him being so funny and at the same time very kind. So thankful that he's with his Savior, but so sorry that you're dealing with such a heartbreaking loss.

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  10. Lindsay, I read your blog regularly. I am so sorry to read about your dad's passing. Sounds like he was one special man. I lost my mom in my twenties unexpectedly and had the same relationship as you. It makes it so difficult, but what a legacy you will give to your children because of him. You have been through more in your twenties than some go though in a lifetime. My heart hurts for you to "start over" again. Praying for strength and courage to get through the tough days ahead.

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  11. Thinking and praying for you and your family Lindsay.
    Love, Kelley

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  12. I met your dad a few years ago when i was the meeting planner for an insurance meeting he attended. I started reading your blog b/c he was so passionate about you and your family - i had to find out about you! He was a wonderfully kind man and someone who connected with everyone he met. I really, really thought a lot of him and was so sad to hear the news. I've got you in my prayers and I KNOW where he is - Heaven and Christ were things he talked about just in passing - they were definitely in the forefront of his mind and in the depths of his heart. I'm sure he is being Grandpa to your baby boy up there and they are catching up on all good things.
    -Amy Kemp (Greensboro, NC)

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  13. I met your dad a few years ago at an insurance conference where i was the meeting planner. I started following your blog b/c he was so passionate about you and your family so i had to see what he was talking about! He was the kind of person who you instantly connected with - he was so kind and warm and loving - i could tell all that within five minutes of meeting him. I KNOW where he is because Heaven and Christ were things he talked about just in passing - they were at the forefront of his mind and in the depths of his heart. I was so very sorry to hear the news and I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. I know he was running to get to his grandbaby up there and i bet they are spending time catching up on all sorts of things. He was a very special man and I will always remember him. I know you will see him in the eyes of your son and his spirit will surround you always.

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  14. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, Lindsay. I care so much that you're going through this. I am just so sorry.

    So glad we will be with our loved ones again.

    Love, Kelley

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