....I have just been incredibly, unimaginably busy. And, to be quite honest, a little lazy. We recently joined the world of smart phones, and my poor laptop has been neglected. That, and the power cord for our computer died, so all we had for a little while was our phones. Blogging, from my phone, takes forever.
I really haven't had much in the way of writing material. Life is life. And I'm struggling with that. I had a job interview about 2 months ago, and I was so excited about the opportunity. It fit me so perfectly. I had made it to the top round of candidates - narrowed down from 16 to 4. I was honored to have made it that far. The interview went very well. Then the waiting game began. And I waited, and waited, and waited. Then got the dreaded rejection email. :( I did inquire about what I might need to do in the future to better my chances and was told that the only reason I was not their top choice was because the other 2 they hired had more experience - one being a lead mentor teacher and another with administration experience. Hey, I can't argue with that....they definitely have more experience. However, had one of them not accepted, I was next on the list. I'm trying to remain encouraged, but (in my whiniest of little girl voices) "I really wanted that job!"
So, on I go with my 8th graders. I just finished The Hunger Games with 2 of my classes. They absolutely loved it! Every single day was a thrill because they were so eager to read and learn more. Most of them had read the entire series before we finished the first book as a class. They couldn't quite grasp the idea of "studying" a book....they wanted to zip through. They did, however, revel in the purpose, characterization, and symbolism. Go figure!
I plan to read Night with them next as we go into our non-fiction unit. I know it's typically reserved for high school, but I'd rather go with something I'm familiar with. Plus, I know they'll enjoy it. My 10th graders always do.
I'm beginning to get the hang of middle school. I don't hate my job in any way. I don't leave work unhappy every day. And I love the people I work with. I love my kids (I said love...I do love them. Liking them all the time is a different story.), and they seem to really like me. High school is still where I feel most comfortable, though.
We had our first family Christmas gathering without my Dad this past weekend. It was more than obvious that he wasn't there. My dad had a big presence. His spirit and laughter could fill an empty room with just him alone. When you were with him, there was just a fullness to the space around you that only he could create. I kept looking around the room at my family...noticing the places my dad would have been sitting. The ones (everyone) he would have made a point to talk to. My mom's family has been through a lot this year. My cousin lost her husband unexpectedly 5 weeks before my dad also unexpectedly passed. She has two young kids. So, we were all feeling the loss of two good men in our family. It was our most somber, relaxed gatherings yet.
With the holidays approaching, not getting the job, and just the hustle and bustle of work and trying to do it all....I had a rough week last week. I hold a lot in regarding my grief for my dad. I don't talk about it much. I talk to my mom, but with her I hold back because I don't want to upset her. However, I know how important it is to have those honest talks where you just let it all out. The day I found out I didn't get the job, more than anything I just needed to talk to my dad. Other can reassure me and encourage me, but it usually takes my dad saying "those things" for me to begin to believe them. Life hasn't turned out at all like I thought it would. That has been the hard realization I've been struggling with lately. I hadn't told anyone I had been feeling this way or thinking this way because I felt so guilty about it. Jeremy picked up on it (of course he did! I forget how well he knows me...) and has been so great about being sensitive to me needing space or just letting me talk when I feel like it. I have felt guilty because with everything I had to be thankful for and happy about.....I just haven't felt happy lately. I don't like what life has given me to deal with. I'm without a son. I'm without my dad. Who else will I have to lose? I hate to even think about it. I watch Collen and just ache thinking of the possibility of him not being here. Or Jeremy....can't even go there. I just have to keep repeating, "This is not my home. This is not my home. This is not my home."
Thank goodness for Christmas break. I chance to relax, process, recuperate, and prepare for another year.
Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. I have gotten your comments and messages. Thank you so much!