Grief: 3 years, 5 months, 15 days....and counting.


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I think a lot of people look at me and think, "She's doing great! She has gotten over the tragic loss of her son.  Good for her."  That couldn't be further from the truth.

Yes, I've moved forward with life.
Yes, I've had 2 more beautiful children.
Yes, I smile and laugh and joke.

But inside....the hurt is still there.  Very much so.

I was driving to church Sunday and listening to the Christian music station.  It took me 3 years to really listen to music again; especially music that I knew could surprise me and send me into a breakdown....like contemporary Christian music.  Sunday, though, I felt strong.  I was ready to hear any song that would be difficult to hear.  I could handle it.  Then the following song came over the radio:

I'm gonna wrap my arms around my Daddy's neck
And tell him that I've missed him


Cue the breakdown.


I continued to listen to the song, which is Mercy Me's "When I Finally Make it Home."  Tears streaming down my face at the picture and sounds of Heaven.  All I could see was Ayden and my dad...I imagined what they are seeing...what they are hearing....the voices of the angels.  I was awestruck and so, so sad.  But not so much sad for our loss....sad for myself.  I want to be there so, so badly.  I heard a preacher once say, "If you're not homesick for Heaven, you need to get your heart right."  As each day passes without Ayden and without my dad...this world becomes more and more foreign to me.  For a while, after losing Ayden, I wondered why I felt so disconnected.  Then, I realized it was because a piece of me was no longer in this world.  It was beyond....it was "home."  I just wasn't there yet.


So, 3 years, 5 months, and 15 days later....the grief still hits.  This week, for some reason, has been a week of a "wave."  The waves of grief don't come as often as they used to, but they still come.  I expect them, and I even welcome them.  Grieving has become second nature to me.  Sure, the unrelenting pain has lessened.  I have been able to continue with my life.  However, after 3 years...it still isn't easy.  It never will be.  This week, I have been distant. I have conversations, but I'm not "all there."  My mind drifts and lingers on memories.  Tears flood my eyes as I remember his smile, his laugh, his snuggles, his sweet sighs in the middle of the night, his big hands, and his gentle demeanor.  3 years later I still tell God that I don't understand.  I still say, "I wish...." and "If only..."  In 30 years, I expect to still do the same.


It has been 1 year, 2 months, and 20 days since my dad passed away.  I have not processed this loss well.  With Ayden, I took a semester off of work.  I was home alone...a lot.  I was able to face grief head-on and really FEEL the loss.  I went through each step of grief and really had a chance to process it all in a healthy way....and in my own way.  When my dad passed, it was another unexpected loss.  My life was incredibly busy...and would soon be busier with a new baby.  I had not time to let it sink in...let it process.  I still struggle a lot with my dad's passing.  You would think that being through the loss of a child, I could handle this pretty easily...already knowing the steps.  I've learned that you grieve differently for each loss you experience.  Losing a child can't compare to losing a parent.  The two are completely different and require different approaches.  Thankfully, our church is hosting a GriefShare class.  I plan to attend so I can finally have a chance to process this.  I have been terribly broken over the past 3 years.  I hope I can find some healing through this class.


Time doesn't ease the pain.  It doesn't erase the event or the memory of it all.  Time only passes, and in my case...I encourage time to pass as quickly as it wants.  As time passes, I'm closer to the end and my ultimate goal.  I only pray that as time passes, I do my best to raise my children in such a way that they are with me in the end so we can all be together in glory.

7 comments:

  1. Beautifully written..and thank you for sharing. I appreciate your honesty and have found it very helpful along my own grief journey...10 months in now.

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  2. Thank you for sharing. I lost my son last December to SIDS. I occasionally read your posts and I appreciate how honest you are. I did the griefshare program this past year and it was helpful. I often recall things that the Guthrie 's mentioned and it helps. I hope to someday do their respit retreat. Thank you again for sharing. It helps to know we are not alone in our journeys.

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  3. This is a beautiful post, my heart goes out anyone who has lost a child in any capacity and my condolences to you. I can't directly related only because the experiences in my life are related to miscarriage. My best friend and my sister-in-law each have miscarried multiple times and my heart breaks for them because it always happened after they saw the heartbeat, and the idea of a child was real. Each time it happened, I always fought to find the words to comfort them, until one of my friends told me about a book to get them. It's called "There Was Supposed To Be a Baby" by Catherine Keating, you can check her and the book on the website http://therewassupposedtobe.com/. I've given this book to each of them as a gift and both have said what a wonderful book and comfort it was to them. Thank you for this post, and I pray that you may continue to find peace.

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  4. Right here with you, sister. I feel so much of the same things. Not having another little girl, I struggle with how my life is SO different now... from what I expected... from what I planned.

    It is a brand I carry with me... a sorrowful Hope. I am equal parts joyous and heartbroken.

    It will all be worth it, though,

    when we finally make it home.

    love you, girl!
    C

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  5. Praying for you sweety!Love you.

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  6. Love you girl.Praying for you.

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  7. I am so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing your thoughts, it will be 5 months on the 28th that i lost my daughter, I thought i was doing better, the last weeks I have been just overwhelmed with sadness and the tears won't stop, I miss her so much..

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