Big, deep breaths...

Today was our big ultrasound for Miss Charlotte.  Of course, we already knew she was a girl.  She made that quite clear a few weeks ago.  Today, though, I was anxious to be sure all was well everywhere else.  We saw the 4 chambers of her heart, her kidneys, her bladder, tummy, cute little feet, and she was not going to let us get a profile of her face.  She was much too comfy with her hands up by her face.  She kept turning her face away from us instead of turning so we could get the profile shot.  She is a busy little wiggle worm and kept the ultrasound tech. working trying to see everything. 

 One thing we couldn't get a clear look at at first was her umbilical cord.  Finally, we were able to see it, and we found out that she does not have the typical 3 vessel (one artery, 2 veins) cord.  She has a two vessel cord - one artery, one vein.  If you would like to know what that means biologically, Google it - and read it from a medical website. Basically, it means instead of two veins taking blood away from the baby back to me, there is only one doing that.  The artery is still doing it's job....taking blood to the baby.  So one going in, one going out...instead of two going out.  This can mean different things in different situations.  A lot of time it is an implication of chromosomal abnormalities.  However, I've already undergone that testing, and she is very low risk for any chromosomal abnormalities (she scored even lower than Collen did).  The main thing we will be watching is her growth, movement, and fluid.  I will go in for more frequent ultrasounds, and we will keep track of how she is growing.  So far, she is right on target and looks great anatomically.  All of her organs look good...we couldn't see her hands (just fists), but I did see five toes on each foot.  Everything looks good....just going to have to monitor her more closely.

With all of that said, and everyone assuring me that this isn't highly unusual and most babies with 2 vessel cords end up being fine, I'm still just trying to hold myself together.  At the appointment today, I was able to stay positive and hopeful.  As the day went on, I got more and more worried.  Every possible thing that could go wrong popped into my head.  God knows that I struggle most with fear and worry....if He wasn't testing me before now, I think He definitely is now.  I'm going to do my best to trust Him and His will.  I will believe that the odds are in our favor and give the rest to Him.  It's in His hands ultimately, anyway.  

For the next 22 weeks, I'll just be taking a lot of deep, deep breaths.  I already adore this little girl so much....I need her to be okay.

Some pictures we were able to get from our little wiggle worm...

 Face

Sweet little foot :)

Happy Easter

Happy Easter (a day late) from our family to yours. May you be daily reminded of Christ's sacrifice and the promise of Eternity He gave us through the cross.  I spent the weekend feeling overcome with humility that He would give His life for us...as imperfect and selfish as we are.  Heaven and Eternity have been made sweeter for us over the past 3 years.  We long to be there, free of this world.  However, while we are here, our goal should be holiness (we were never promised happiness...and boy is there a huge difference between the two!) and shining the light of Christ to those around us.  I hope your Easter was filled with love, reflection, and cherished memories.

He's constantly on the move these days!

Prayer Request

Many of you have either come to my blog by way of Lori over at "Lori Does Maryland" or you've found her blog through mine. We met Lori and John at David and Nancy Guthrie's Respite Retreat.  If you have lost a child, please check out their website and GO!  It helped us immensely!  And we met people and made connections that helped us survive and live with hope.  Lori and her husband John have a story very similar to ours.  They lost their first son, Matthew, at birth to an undetected umbilical cord issue. They have faced infertility, adoption hopes and disappointments, successful IVF procedures that resulted in 3 pregnancies - their first, Matthew, who renewed hope and joy in their lives and then led to the deep sorrow of the loss of a child.  Next came Luke....who like Collen for us...brought back that hope...but hope that was guarded at times, yet determined to shine through and believe that this child was meant to live!  And little Luke has been an amazing blessing and shining light in their lives and the lives of so many.  I know what Collen is for us....the hope, joy, and amazing blessing he is each and every day, so I know what Luke brings to their lives!  Then, around the same time we found out about our little surprise (who we know now is Miss Charlotte), Lori and John were undergoing another IVF procedure in hopes of conceiving another sweet, precious baby, and it worked!  I was so thrilled to know that we were in this together again.  She and I were pregnant together with Luke and Collen, and it was so nice to have someone to talk to who understood the fear and hope and every other little emotion that comes with a pregnancy after the loss of a child.  And here we were again....carrying little lives again together....remaining hopeful, yet knowing all too well that we aren't promised that this child will live.  Just because we've lost one doesn't mean it won't/can't happen again.  Lori and John are experiencing that now.  Lori nicknamed their newest baby "Dash-3", and the little one's heart stopped beating some time in the past few days.  There are no words to offer in these times that can make any of this better.  It's something we are not capable of understanding....ever.  Perhaps when we meet God face to face, His plan will be clear.  But here, now, it's impossible.  Please lift Lori and John up in your prayers.  They are obviously heart-broken and hurting.  Little Luke will be a welcome distraction as they go through this process, but the pain will still remain.  Little Matthew is playing with his younger sibling....and both will run to meet Lori and John in Heaven someday.   And what a wonderful day that will be...

Resources

For those who have just experienced a SIDS loss, the questions come flooding in.  What is SIDS? Why did this happen?  Was it our fault?  Was something wrong with my baby?  I didn't find answers to all of my questions, but the following resources may help you gain a better understanding and also help you feel less alone in what has happened:

SIDS Center

 First Candle

SIDS America - find resources in your state

SIDS Facebook Support Group

Raindrop Memories - based in NC; provide families with special care packages/support items. I love the part of their mission statement that states that they provide:

Tokens of: Honor.Optimism.Peace.Encouragement.

Resources for Grief and Mourning

Rest Ministries

Just Between Us

Respite Retreats/Guthrie Family

GriefShare

Books 
These are books that I found especially helpful after losing Ayden so unexpectedly.  People would send books to me, and I read a lot of them, but as I read I began to see what type of healing I needed, so I searched for the books that specifically fit me and what I was craving.  What helps you through this process is personal to your experience and your beliefs.  These books helped me grieve with HOPE.

Safe in the Arms of God - John McArthur

The One Year Book of Hope - Nancy Guthrie

This book....oh, this book.  Look no further if you want to find hope in the darkest of times.  This was a go-to book for me, and I am so thankful it came into my life at the perfect time. This one is a must!

Heaven - Randy Alcorn

Heaven is for Real

Choosing to See - Mary Beth Chapman

This was by far the most helpful of all of the books I read.  I cried, laughed and grew so much stronger in my hope.  I loved it because it was real.  I was feeling what she was feeling.  I could touch the pain she expressed in her words because it was the same pain I felt daily...minute by minute.  If you don't read any other book, read this one!