I wonder.

Hey sweet boy,

I think about you every day. Saying that I miss you doesn't even begin to express the longing and aching of my heart when my arms are missing the weight of you....and when I just need to see your smile.

I write a lot about your little brother. Oh, he's something, Ayden. The two of you would be such good buddies. I look at Collen and can't help but wonder what you would have been like at 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, 2 years and 2 months? Would you and Collen have the same silly, goofy personality? Would you be protective of your brother? Would you be his hero?

I only got 3 months and 28 days with you, but it was enough to learn so much about you. I think you definitely would have been silly. You already were so funny! But I think you would have been contemplative.....and quiet(er) than your brother. When you were with us, I imagined you older, and I could see you as the kid who could sit and play alone for hours.....content and so laid back.

It breaks my heart that all I can do is wonder. I see the kids in your Sunday school class and i wonder if they will ever feel your absence....will they realize that there should be one more playing and hearing the Bible stories? I wonder if people will begin to forget you....erase you from what they consider the Jones family....when they think of us, will they remember you?

On the outside, Mommy and Daddy seem okay these days. We can be seem smiling and shining with joy. But if they were to look deep inside our eyes...they would see the hurt. They would see just how incomplete our lives feel. We live an ordinary life, but buddy your absence is felt every day. I go through each day never feeling as if i am 100% here.....every part of me feels the loss....it feels the absence of the little boy who should be here. I dint have to wonder if that will ever change....it won't. I don't want it to. A mother is forever connected to her child....even when he is physically gone. It's a remarkable feeling...but I still feel you with me....subtle nudges of Ayden.

Some days I ache for you so much that it just hurts. I can physically hold Collen and snuggle and kiss him when I just need that baby love from him. But when I need my Ayden love, my arms are empty....and my heart just bursts. Some days it's just so, so hard. I have learned to live with the pain and exist between grief and hope, but some days it catches up with me....and I just need my Ayden.

Today, I need my Ayden. I wonder so much if God tells you about us....about your brother.....about all the people who love you. I wonder if you think of us. I wonder how long it will be until I see you again.

Every day that passes, the distance between our time with you and our life now continues to grow. Two worlds....two existences...two lives that can't quite seem to co-exist. But every day that passes is a day closer to you. I find such relief in that one truth. One step closer, every day.

I don't wonder what that day will be like.....I already know that I will run as fast I can and scoop you up in my arms (no matter how big or small you may be) and I will finally be whole again....with my Savior and with my baby. Death has no hold on me. I don't fear it....I don't welcome it....but I rejoice in the promise that will result. Until then, me and your dad have to guide your brother and show him the love of Jesus....and pray, and pray, and pray for him and his salvation. One day, we will have such a family reunion.