I wonder.

Hey sweet boy,

I think about you every day. Saying that I miss you doesn't even begin to express the longing and aching of my heart when my arms are missing the weight of you....and when I just need to see your smile.

I write a lot about your little brother. Oh, he's something, Ayden. The two of you would be such good buddies. I look at Collen and can't help but wonder what you would have been like at 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, 2 years and 2 months? Would you and Collen have the same silly, goofy personality? Would you be protective of your brother? Would you be his hero?

I only got 3 months and 28 days with you, but it was enough to learn so much about you. I think you definitely would have been silly. You already were so funny! But I think you would have been contemplative.....and quiet(er) than your brother. When you were with us, I imagined you older, and I could see you as the kid who could sit and play alone for hours.....content and so laid back.

It breaks my heart that all I can do is wonder. I see the kids in your Sunday school class and i wonder if they will ever feel your absence....will they realize that there should be one more playing and hearing the Bible stories? I wonder if people will begin to forget you....erase you from what they consider the Jones family....when they think of us, will they remember you?

On the outside, Mommy and Daddy seem okay these days. We can be seem smiling and shining with joy. But if they were to look deep inside our eyes...they would see the hurt. They would see just how incomplete our lives feel. We live an ordinary life, but buddy your absence is felt every day. I go through each day never feeling as if i am 100% here.....every part of me feels the loss....it feels the absence of the little boy who should be here. I dint have to wonder if that will ever change....it won't. I don't want it to. A mother is forever connected to her child....even when he is physically gone. It's a remarkable feeling...but I still feel you with me....subtle nudges of Ayden.

Some days I ache for you so much that it just hurts. I can physically hold Collen and snuggle and kiss him when I just need that baby love from him. But when I need my Ayden love, my arms are empty....and my heart just bursts. Some days it's just so, so hard. I have learned to live with the pain and exist between grief and hope, but some days it catches up with me....and I just need my Ayden.

Today, I need my Ayden. I wonder so much if God tells you about us....about your brother.....about all the people who love you. I wonder if you think of us. I wonder how long it will be until I see you again.

Every day that passes, the distance between our time with you and our life now continues to grow. Two worlds....two existences...two lives that can't quite seem to co-exist. But every day that passes is a day closer to you. I find such relief in that one truth. One step closer, every day.

I don't wonder what that day will be like.....I already know that I will run as fast I can and scoop you up in my arms (no matter how big or small you may be) and I will finally be whole again....with my Savior and with my baby. Death has no hold on me. I don't fear it....I don't welcome it....but I rejoice in the promise that will result. Until then, me and your dad have to guide your brother and show him the love of Jesus....and pray, and pray, and pray for him and his salvation. One day, we will have such a family reunion.


  1. Lindsay, my heart breaks for you. I've been a follower of yours for some time now but this is my first comment. This post just breaks me. I just could not imagine what you feel day to day with the loss of your beautiful Ayden. Collen is so lucky to have you as parents and a brother like Ayden. Keep your chin up and I am always thinking and praying for you and your family.
    You can check out my blog at http://cdnmom-sofarfromhome.blogspot.com/
    I hope you will follow me too :)

  2. Lindsay,
    That was so beautifully written. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I wondered how having another little baby after losing one would be. I wondered if I would always continue to ache to hold Maddie. I miss her so much some days it's hard to continue my normal routine. Thanks for sharing your heart. Our babies may not be here with us, but we will always carry them in our hearts. I love how you said "death has no hold on me." I feel the same. I can't wait to go to Heaven and hold my little girl again. And I can't wait to meet your little boy. <3

  3. it's so hard to live in this world knowing that we will never be 100% complete. missing our baby boys. it's just so unfair. i think about you guys constantly. sending you my love always...

  4. Lindsay, I can definately relate to todays post. Most days I can put on a smile but today I feel like all I want is to hold my daughter. Some days the loss is so much stronger, and today is one of those days. As much as these days are hard, I actually welcome them. They allow me to remember the love and the joy that the last 18 months brought.

    Thinking and praying for you and your family.


  5. made me miss my Csden...
    praying for you

  6. Lindsay,
    I can assure you that I continue to think of Ayden (and of course, your entire family) very often--especially when I see a yellow butterfly. :) I am so thankful for how the testimony Ayden's beautiful life affected my own.

    Still praying for your family,

  7. I lost my son at 5 months old this past Dec from a rare metabolic disorder that showed itself like SIDS. I also have made a blog..


    Feel free to send me a message if you're up for it...

  8. Lindsay, my heart truly breaks for your pain you go through every day. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I just want to share what it is like being a sibling of a deceased sibling.

    My parents lost two sons. They were grown but I believe your children are always your "children". Years after their deaths, my parents are still grieving heavily. I just spent Father's day without my dad (he lives four miles down the road). He is so depressed that he doesn't want to even participate in "life". My mother is the same way. If my brothers only knew how their parents have "checked out of life" they would be crushed. I am still alive, as is Collen. I feel that I don't matter as much as my brothers do for my parents. I don't know if they feel guilty for enjoying life or what. But I am basically no longer part of their lives now. I think they feel hurt that I am able to move on. I loved my brothers to pieces, and miss them. But I feel they are truly beaming looking down at me when they see me happy, and are shedding tears when they see my parents grieve continuously. I truly feel that. Just like my brothers, I feel Ayden would feel the same way. He is truly smiling seeing you love on his brother Collen. My dad once told me "you have no idea what it is like to lose a child". I don't, but I do know what it is like to be a sibling of a deceased brother(s). Always feel second best, like I really don't matter. I hope you feel free to give Collen 100% of your love...Ayden will understand. Hope I explained this in a caring way. I've seen my parent's grieve so painfully and I wish there was something I could say to take away your pain (I can't) but maybe could help. Ayden will always be loved and NEVER forgotten...he truly had loving, caring parents.