.....that's what comes to mind each time I am reminded that Sunday is Mother's Day. And believe me, I'm reminded many times a day..... At this point, I'm pretty much dreading it.
The months of April - August are going to be difficult for us this year.
April - My birthday, Ayden's birthday, the days leading up to his birthday and memories of the anticipation of the birth of our first born child.....
May - Mother's Day, Ayden's "due date" (May 4th; yesterday), The baby dedication at church - May 23rd.
June - Father's Day, memories of our summer with him
July - Continued memories of our summer with him, milestones we remember reaching with him
August - Probably our happiest of memories of him - when his personality began to really shine through - first big smiles, first laughs, memories of our happy, healthy, sweet, beautiful boy. All of that to then have to face........The day we had to say goodbye.
August is also when we will meet Mr. Collen. So, we will endure a true roller coaster this summer, especially in August. Someone asked me today how I was feeling about having another boy; how I was dealing with it. It was the first time someone actually acknowledged and understood right away that another boy is going to be difficult. I told her that I really had to face it one day at a time. I told her how I've tried to process it all in my mind....looking at Collen and seeing Collen....not seeing Ayden. Dressing Collen, feeding Collen, bathing Collen.....and reminding myself, "this isn't Ayden. I can't have Ayden again." That may be a bizarre thought to many of you....but this pregnancy has been a whirlwind. I catch myself calling Collen, Ayden. And each time his name begins to come out of my mouth, I'm hit once again with the fact that he isn't coming back. I won't have my Ayden back. I'm so afraid of Collen growing up feeling like he was second best.....like we had him so our hearts wouldn't be crushed without his brother, feeling like he was just a substitute. It kills me to know that he will have those thoughts. And don't say he won't because he WILL. I know he will. As hard as we try to prevent it, he will deal with those ideas and insecurities. And we'll deal with our own side of it. We'll be thrilled and elated to meet Collen, to know our second child. Our hearts will be full of so much love and adoration for him. But our hearts will ache for Ayden in the same beat. We'll never look at Collen and not think of Ayden. It's all so hard to grasp. So, when my co-worker asked me that question, I struggled to articulate it all.....just as I've struggled to write all of this. It's hard to put into words.
Jeremy and I went Mother's Day card shopping tonight. It quickly became depressing, and ended with me frantically grabbing at cards so I could rush Jeremy out of the store before I had a meltdown. I was okay when looking for a card for my Mom. However, I knew I wanted to get my mom and Jeremy's mom, "Grandma" cards. But how do you shop for a card for your child who is no longer here? How am I supposed to do that without breaking down right there in the middle of Hallmark? "How is this even my life?" is what I kept repeating in my mind. So, I searched, and I found some that would work....but I kept looking at them all saying, "Why don't you have a card for ME...one that fits our situation? Does anyone ever consider how difficult this is for us who are without our children???" I guess that would be too depressing, but it would be nice if they would acknowledge it. All of it is just not fair.
I will forever cherish Mother's Day, 2009. Ayden was almost 2 weeks old, and it was his first Sunday at church. That day also happened to be our church's baby dedication Sunday (I'll get to that in a second). We didn't know about the dedication, or we would have been up on that stage, proudly showing everyone our little Ayden and vowing our dedication as godly parents. I remember that day so clearly - my first Mother's Day, and I will always have the memory of sharing it with Ayden. That is probably going to be one of the most precious memories I'll have for the rest of my life. I remember how proud I felt to be celebrated as Mom....so amazing. Being a mother is the most awesome gift God could have ever given me. As soon as Ayden was born and I saw this beautiful little baby, I knew I was meant to be a mother....his mother. And he made that clear, too, by showing me how much he loved and needed me every day. Babies can't do much....but I can tell you that they do show love, especially to their parents....even at a young age. I've seen it and felt it, and it's breathtaking.
So, as this Mother's Day approaches, we're faced with yet another holiday without him. Another milestone in our grief. Another page added to the book we never intended to write.
May 23rd is our church's baby dedication Sunday.....the one we would have included Ayden in. I can't begin to tell you how heartbreaking it is to know that on that Sunday, when all the parents are lined up on the stage holding their children, we won't be up there because Ayden isn't here. There will be a family missing from that group....a child missing. They will show the slideshow of pictures of happy, beautiful, smiling babies.....except one won't be there. I can't tell you how much I looked forward to this day when Ayden was born. We talked about it a lot, wondering when they next dedication day would be because we couldn't wait to be up there with Ayden. To proclaim our vow as believers and godly parents. Our first witness to our son. I realize that we didn't need a special service to make that proclamation. We had already dedicated ourselves as Christian parents, but it's the meaning and symbolism behind it that we wanted to be a part of. Last time, we didn't find out in time, so we had to wait. Now, we're still left waiting.....
I want to go that Sunday, and I feel like I'll be able to. It'll just be really hard.
Now that I've cried through my whole post, I'll leave you with a bit of positive news. I'm now 23 (almost 24) weeks along with Collen. He gets stronger by the day. I can tell because I'm feeling him more and every day, which is such a relief! He seems to be pretty active all the time. He has his quiet moments, but when he's awake, he's moving! I can't wait until he's just a little bit bigger. Those movements won't be questionable at all! Jeremy has finally felt him kick, but only once. His kicks still aren't strong enough to be felt from the outside all the time. I think the anterior placenta has a lot to do with that. His heart beat is steady in the 140s, and sleeping and getting comfortable are becoming more of a challenge for me. I was getting out of bed the other morning and found myself struggling like a turtle on its back. Jeremy thought I was just overexaggerating the whole thing, so he just watched and laughed. Yeah....it was funny for about a second until I realized I really couldn't get myself up. It's definitely noticable that I'm pregnant, which is nice, but I wish my belly was invisible to everyone but Jeremy and myself. I know the questions are coming.....the questions I dread answering.
Questions like:
"Is this your first?"
And after that:
"How old is your first?"
Or...
"You're having a boy? Oh, there's nothing like the relationship between a baby boy and his mom."
Or....
"Are you sure you're ready for kids?"
(ignorantly asked when annoyed parents are fed up with their kids who are running around screaming.....not knowing that I'd die to have Ayden here running around screaming....)
I've had to face "the question" twice and have been able to elude it, sort of. Both times it was asked by perfect strangers not at all in an atmosphere conducive to the answer I wanted to give.
So, I'm sure a post on the questions will come soon.
I hope everyone has a good Mother's Day. I will especially be thinking of my friends who are without their children this Mother's Day. Special prayers go up for you this weekend and every day.
And for showing me how much you loved me each and every day....
I wish I was holding you today, gazing into those beautiful blue eyes, and seeing my heart right there in my arms. Because of you, I am the person I am today. Thank you for showing me what happiness, contentment, joy, and unconditional love are all about. I am forever changed....and absolutely for the better....because of you. I love you, sweet boy.
