I still wake up at night expecting to be holding him.
I woke up last night for my nightly potty break. It was 4:45....almost 5...almost mine and Ayden's snuggle time. I still wake up, every morning -every. single. morning. - around that time. That was the time that Ayden began to get restless and the only thing he needed or wanted at that moment...every single morning....was me. I would pick him up out of his "bed" (pack'n play) and put him on my chest. He'd fall right back to sleep, and I'd just lie there and breathe him in. It was the most precious part of my entire day. I looked forward to it every morning. I still do.
This morning, as I said, I woke up. As I got back into bed, I laid there and just felt so empty. I wanted so badly to be holding him, breathing him in. On our last morning together, I remember falling asleep while I was holding him. I wouldn't do that often because it scared me to fall asleep while he was on my chest. I was so afraid he'd roll off. When I woke up, I looked down to find him in the crook of my arm, head back, mouth wide open, sleeping so soundly. He was okay, but it still scared me because he had moved. I remember my thought was first one of worry - I immediately checked to see if he was breathing. Once I realized he was fine, I remember the relief, "He's okay. Whew....he's still here with me." Completely oblivious to the fact that he wouldn't be with us anymore in 4 short hours.
When I wake up in the mornings, I remember THAT morning....our last morning....and that little face...mouth wide open....and the brief terror that rushed through me, followed by the sweet relief that he was still with me. It paled in comparison to the terror I would feel only hours later. When I wake up in the mornings, that's when I have my "why sessions" - Why can't he just be here? Why can't I have that back? Why can't I have him back?
Collen seems to be opposite. He is always very still in the early mornings. So still, that I become terrified. I lie there poking my belly waiting for a little nudge. Most of the time, I get one, but it seems very reluctant.
I know what many of you are thinking. "But just think....you get to have that with Collen." Yes. You're right. I do. And I look forward to it....more than you can imagine. But I also, more than you can imagine, miss it so terribly with Ayden. Collen won't replace Ayden. Having him won't magically make it all better...easier. He will help numb the pain, but he won't cure it. Some days, I get so exhausted by the reality that this is my life. Forever. I will long for my baby boy forever. I have to live with only memories of him for the rest of my life. And that will never change. It's so daunting, and as I said....exhausting...at times.
I think that story of our last morning was the one story I hadn't told anyone about. It was my last one that I haven't shared. The last one from only my memory. That makes me sadder than you can imagine. I don't have new memories. I won't get new memories with Ayden. I can only relive four months of stories, moments, and memories. I only have 4 months of pictures and videos. That's it. 4 beautiful, wonderful, life-changing, precious months.
Sorry to be such a downer today....almost like I've regressed. But that's grief I guess. 2 steps forward, a million steps back. Today, I just miss Ayden. I miss him every day....so very much....today has just been tougher than usual.
Most days I can keep things in perspective:
He's gone, but not forever.
I have the assurance that I will be with again someday.
Our family will be whole again.
It's easy, on the grand scale, to keep that perspective. But when you break it down into smaller pieces.....it just gets hard. I realize that the loss I feel is for myself...not for him. I realize that I mourn for myself...not for him. I cry because my child died. Those last two words should never be placed together, yet that's my reality. I cry because I miss him, and I long for what was taken so abruptly from me. I cry because I hate that life will move forward and so many people will never know how truly wonderful he was...that this world is without his sweet spirit. I grieve because it hurts, and sometimes it's just hard to face yet another day knowing that I'm living without my precious child. Sometimes, it's just too hard.
No one ever asks for this to be their life. And I often wonder why God chose this for us. Some days, I get so sick of being told how strong I am. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to inspire anyone. And why on earth did I have to lose my child to touch someone's life? Why did my child have to die for him to touch someone's life? Yet, that is my reality. And I have to choose how I deal with it. So, I choose to step back and see how this has affected people....not just me. Of course, most of this is selfish - inward focused - looking at how this tragedy has affected me. How can it not be? However, when I step back and try to see the big picture (I say try because I don't believe the big picture has been revealed at all....it'll be years before I see it...if ever), I do see how many lives have been touched....by Ayden. What an accomplishment! I'll never touch as many lives as he has. Never. And he did it in 4 months. I'm so honored and blessed to be Ayden's mommy. I don't like it all that he had to be taken from us for people to be touched in this way, but I guess I can't do anything about that. But what I can do is choose how I handle all of this in a way that will honor Ayden and make him proud of me. And I can also choose hope, and I'm so very glad that I have that choice. Because without it, I know my perspective would be so different.
