Thank you all so much for your prayers, thoughts, emails, and messages as we remembered Ayden's birthday today.
We've seen so many pictures, already, of balloons going up in celebration of Ayden's birthday! I've read your emails, comments, facebook messages/comments, text messages, etc.
We are truly blessed to have so many wonderful, thoughtful people in our lives who love Ayden and join us in celebrating his life!
I've included a video....I just couldn't resist. This is from my friend Cari, who I met, through reading her blog and her own story of loss, after we lost Ayden. She has since become a dear friend. I had to include her video because it was too sweet not to. Thank you Cari, Andy, Caden, Rigg, and Ryder! And thank you all so much for joining us in remembering Ayden today....and always.
Happy 2nd Birthday sweetheart. I can hardly believe it has been two years. Two years since our lives were blessed by the birth of you, our sweet, beautiful first child. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I can recall everything - the events of the day before and the day of your birth, the smells, the excitement, the fear, and the elation. We prayed and hoped for you so, so much Ayden. I used to tell you that all the time...about how much we wanted you and loved you....even before you were born...even before we knew about you. You were already ours, and boy did God do an awesome job in choosing you for us....and us for you. We were a perfect match, werent't we buddy?
But, God didn't quite prepare us for the rest of the journey. Well, not in our minds, anyway. However, looking back, he was preparing us for the day He would take you home. We prayed so fervently over you, and we didn't waste a second we spent with you. God put it upon us to consider life without you, which made us live life with you without taking a single moment for granted. I can remember so much. So many memories are still fresh and vivid....like they happened yesterday. I remember your warmth as I held you for the first time, and that sweet...brand-new baby smell. I can hear your soft, airy coos as you would "talk" to me about your day and everything you were soaking in. I remember your laugh and how happy you ALWAYS were. And I remember our morning snuggles....just me and you....and the weight of you lying on my chest as you slept.
2 years is a long time to go without those things. 2 hours is a long time.....2 years feels like an eternity. I say it seems like yesterday, but at the same time, it seems like forever ago since I held you, kissed you, saw you smile.....and saw those big, bright, blue eyes. Some days, I feel like I can't go another day.....sometimes I beg Jesus to come back....to please make me whole again. I'm not "me" without you, Ayden. And that's so hard. But I know it's part of this.....this plan....this life. Sorrow fills this life, but joy is coming. And when it comes, you'd better bet I'll be running for you. I can't wait to hear about everything you've been doing. I imagine you up there....having a huge birthday celebration! I asked God to tell you how much we love you, especially on your special day, and to give you a big birthday hug from mommy and daddy. I ache to be able to hold you again....but knowing that you're in the arms of Jesus brings comfort to this mommy's heart.
Your little brother will know about you, Ayden. Oh yes....he will know all about you. And in turn, he will learn so much about the love we have for both of you. We love the two of you more than I ever imagined possible. This kind of love is scary....because we know too well that a parent's heart can be shattered, and the pieces never go back together again. But we want you and Collen (and any future siblings....possibly) to know that we are better because of you. This scary love.....this breath-taking love....it fills us to the brim, and it brings us so much joy because you're ours! You're our pride....our joy....our heart...our whole life. You're our purpose, and although our plan wasn't God's plan, and although we've had to endure the ultimate in pain and loss.....you were still here. You were born, we held you in our arms, we comforted you, we made you laugh and smile, and we love you, and we felt the love you have for us. What a gift! What a blessing! What a miracle!
And that love remains. You aren't with us physically, but we feel you with us every day. My heart knows you're here with us. There are moments when I feel you so close.....so close I think I could reach out and grab you. I grow more and more in love with you each day. That will never change. You'll always be my baby boy. You'll always be my Ayden. And I will share your story as long as I have breath. You're so special, Ayden. God's purpose for you is still being fulfilled, and I'm so proud to call you my son.
So many people are remembering you today. You are loved and cherished. It's amazing how many have been touched by YOU and God using your story!
We love you, Ayden. We miss you more than you'll ever know. I have a long list of "I wish"es for today, but I know you're having the mose awesome birthday celebration imaginable.
Ayden's journey began. I woke up this morning around 3am, just as I did 2 years ago. That morning, though, was such a special morning. It was my birthday, and Ayden had begun his journey! It was the best birthday gift I could have ever been given....sharing the day with my little boy, in anxious anticipation of his arrival. Would he be born on my birthday? Would we share this day for the rest of our lives? When, oh when, would I get to hold my little boy!? Well....we went through the day, celebrated my birthday, and still....no baby, yet. We finally made enough progress to get to the hospital that night, but as you all know....Ayden waited to be born on his own day, which is tomorrow, the 27th.
As I laid in bed, awake and reliving 2 years ago, I just couldn't believe where we are today. It's hard not to dwell on the sadness of it all - that he's not here; that we won't be celebrating with cake or presents or little friends; that Collen will never know his big brother as we know him. I've already shed tears today, and I'm sure plenty more will follow. But....even in the midst of the sadness, there is joy. Ayden was here. He was alive. He IS beautiful and such a sweet, sweet baby boy. He changed our lives, and he will live on with us forever. I laid in bed actually thanking God that I have the assurance of seeing Ayden again. He is living in glory, ultimate joy, and experiencing Heaven with our Father and with Christ. Oh, how I envy him. As much as I would love to have him here (you just don't even know...), part of me is able to see the bigger picture and be thankful that Ayden was spared from this world and the ugly, scary stuff that comes along with it. But, oh how I'd love for him to be here with me....to hug him, kiss him, learn about him, read to him, see that bright smile again.
We will be releasing balloons tomorrow as a family at Ayden's spot. It will be a serene day, but I'm looking forward to honoring and remembering Ayden on his day tomorrow. It's so hard to believe it has been 2 years....
First....I'd like for you all to see just how big Collen has gotten SO QUICKLY! I can't believe how much he's doing these days. He's associating words with things - like when we say "light" he looks up at the light. When we say, "yay!!" he claps his hands together. He will pull your hand to his mouth so you can make him go "ba, ba, ba, ba." I promise you he said "light" the other day....in his own way....it came out, "aaa-tt"....but he was clearly saying it while looking at the light. He still isn't crawling, but every day I can see that he's getting closer.
Aaahh....I just love him to pieces. He's such a sweet baby. Collen happens to have a cold at the moment. Please say a quick little prayer that he gets over it quickly. His stuffy nose is interfering with sleep, and he wakes up crying....not understanding why he can't sleep.
NOW...on to the point of my post. This post is actually WAY overdue, and I really have no other excuse other than I just haven't been able to get to it.
Around Christmas-time, one of my former students came to visit, and she had a gift with her (and she brought me breakfast!!! She spoils me). I figured it was for Collen. I certainly didn't expect anything for myself. She gave me the gift and asked me to open it. What I found took my breath away. There, together, were my two boys in the same frame. Tears flooded my eyes to see them side by side....as they should be. She had had someone sketch both of them together from two pictures. It truly captures both of them so well....Ayden with his soft features - light hair, fair skin, sweet face and Collen with his bolder features - dark hair, darker complexion, and his sweet face as well. I will forever treasure this gift. I look at it often and take a moment to look at my boys side by side....something I'll never have in this lifetime, but I can have it this way at least.
A blog reader contacted me while I was pregnant with Collen saying she wanted to do something special for his room. She asked about his bedding/the theme for his nursery, so I sent her a link to the bedding we chose. We went with a sailboats theme with bold colors - navy blue, red, green, yellow. I had no idea what she was working on. She contacted me later in my pregnancy to tell me it was finished! It happened to be at the time when we were living with my parents while waiting for our house to close, so my sister went to pick it up. Megan (my sister) told me how beautiful it was and how it brought her to tears right there in the McAllister's parking lot. I couldn't wait to see it, but then again....knowing it would make me emotional...I was a little nervous.
When I opened the gift and found what was inside, I was blown away. It was so, so beautiful, and I couldn't believe how well the artist had captured the theme of Collen's room! She did such a great job, and it is now the main piece in the room. It's one of the first things people see when they walk in, and they always ask about it and walk over to look at it.
In the middle is a poem titled, "My Guardian Angel." The middle picture is a close-up of the poem; it should be readable. If it isn't, let me know, and I'll edit this post and type the poem out.
I LOVE this gift so much, and it is such a treasure. So many of you have been too kind. We've received baby gifts from many of you....some all the way from England! I have been humbled by your kindness, generosity, and love. You have walked this road with us through tragedy, hard days, good days, happy anticipation of a new life, and now our newfound joy in Collen as we continue grieve the loss of his big brother. We anxiously wait for the day when we'll all be together....when we'll never have to say goodbye again.
Thank you all for loving us so much! We love you right back!
