A birthday letter

Dear sweet Ayden,

Happy 2nd Birthday sweetheart. I can hardly believe it has been two years. Two years since our lives were blessed by the birth of you, our sweet, beautiful first child. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I can recall everything - the events of the day before and the day of your birth, the smells, the excitement, the fear, and the elation. We prayed and hoped for you so, so much Ayden. I used to tell you that all the time...about how much we wanted you and loved you....even before you were born...even before we knew about you. You were already ours, and boy did God do an awesome job in choosing you for us....and us for you. We were a perfect match, werent't we buddy?

But, God didn't quite prepare us for the rest of the journey. Well, not in our minds, anyway. However, looking back, he was preparing us for the day He would take you home. We prayed so fervently over you, and we didn't waste a second we spent with you. God put it upon us to consider life without you, which made us live life with you without taking a single moment for granted. I can remember so much. So many memories are still fresh and vivid....like they happened yesterday. I remember your warmth as I held you for the first time, and that sweet...brand-new baby smell. I can hear your soft, airy coos as you would "talk" to me about your day and everything you were soaking in. I remember your laugh and how happy you ALWAYS were. And I remember our morning snuggles....just me and you....and the weight of you lying on my chest as you slept.

2 years is a long time to go without those things. 2 hours is a long time.....2 years feels like an eternity. I say it seems like yesterday, but at the same time, it seems like forever ago since I held you, kissed you, saw you smile.....and saw those big, bright, blue eyes. Some days, I feel like I can't go another day.....sometimes I beg Jesus to come back....to please make me whole again. I'm not "me" without you, Ayden. And that's so hard. But I know it's part of this.....this plan....this life. Sorrow fills this life, but joy is coming. And when it comes, you'd better bet I'll be running for you. I can't wait to hear about everything you've been doing. I imagine you up there....having a huge birthday celebration! I asked God to tell you how much we love you, especially on your special day, and to give you a big birthday hug from mommy and daddy. I ache to be able to hold you again....but knowing that you're in the arms of Jesus brings comfort to this mommy's heart.



Your little brother will know about you, Ayden. Oh yes....he will know all about you. And in turn, he will learn so much about the love we have for both of you. We love the two of you more than I ever imagined possible. This kind of love is scary....because we know too well that a parent's heart can be shattered, and the pieces never go back together again. But we want you and Collen (and any future siblings....possibly) to know that we are better because of you. This scary love.....this breath-taking love....it fills us to the brim, and it brings us so much joy because you're ours! You're our pride....our joy....our heart...our whole life. You're our purpose, and although our plan wasn't God's plan, and although we've had to endure the ultimate in pain and loss.....you were still here. You were born, we held you in our arms, we comforted you, we made you laugh and smile, and we love you, and we felt the love you have for us. What a gift! What a blessing! What a miracle!



And that love remains. You aren't with us physically, but we feel you with us every day. My heart knows you're here with us. There are moments when I feel you so close.....so close I think I could reach out and grab you. I grow more and more in love with you each day. That will never change. You'll always be my baby boy. You'll always be my Ayden. And I will share your story as long as I have breath. You're so special, Ayden. God's purpose for you is still being fulfilled, and I'm so proud to call you my son.



So many people are remembering you today. You are loved and cherished. It's amazing how many have been touched by YOU and God using your story!



We love you, Ayden. We miss you more than you'll ever know. I have a long list of "I wish"es for today, but I know you're having the mose awesome birthday celebration imaginable.





I will see you soon....


Happy Birthday sweet boy.

Oh, Lord....come quickly.