Ayden's journey began. I woke up this morning around 3am, just as I did 2 years ago. That morning, though, was such a special morning. It was my birthday, and Ayden had begun his journey! It was the best birthday gift I could have ever been given....sharing the day with my little boy, in anxious anticipation of his arrival. Would he be born on my birthday? Would we share this day for the rest of our lives? When, oh when, would I get to hold my little boy!? Well....we went through the day, celebrated my birthday, and still....no baby, yet. We finally made enough progress to get to the hospital that night, but as you all know....Ayden waited to be born on his own day, which is tomorrow, the 27th.
As I laid in bed, awake and reliving 2 years ago, I just couldn't believe where we are today. It's hard not to dwell on the sadness of it all - that he's not here; that we won't be celebrating with cake or presents or little friends; that Collen will never know his big brother as we know him. I've already shed tears today, and I'm sure plenty more will follow. But....even in the midst of the sadness, there is joy. Ayden was here. He was alive. He IS beautiful and such a sweet, sweet baby boy. He changed our lives, and he will live on with us forever. I laid in bed actually thanking God that I have the assurance of seeing Ayden again. He is living in glory, ultimate joy, and experiencing Heaven with our Father and with Christ. Oh, how I envy him. As much as I would love to have him here (you just don't even know...), part of me is able to see the bigger picture and be thankful that Ayden was spared from this world and the ugly, scary stuff that comes along with it. But, oh how I'd love for him to be here with me....to hug him, kiss him, learn about him, read to him, see that bright smile again.
We will be releasing balloons tomorrow as a family at Ayden's spot. It will be a serene day, but I'm looking forward to honoring and remembering Ayden on his day tomorrow. It's so hard to believe it has been 2 years....
Ayden in my belly....a week before he was born
The day my life changed forever (the first time)
missing your sweet boy with you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. April 27 is special for us too- my first born also came on April 27. She will be 5 tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteThat picture of you and Ayden is beautiful. I will keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeletePerfect little angel. Love the pics.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Lindsay, I've had you on my mind so much lately, especially right now.
ReplyDeleteLove, Kelley
I understand that heaven envy and that thankfulness of the ugly parts of this world that our babies will never know. Even so, they are missed so very much. Praying that tomorrow is a gentle day for you...
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and praying for you and your family every day!
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you, I know it will never fully be healed. God blessed you with Collen for the rest of your life here on earth, one day your whole family will be together again.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I wanted to award you with the Stylish Blogger Award - - check out my latest post for the details :) ahjones2010.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and praying for you today, tomorrow and always. Love you :)
ReplyDeleteI came on to write you. I couldnt find an email or anything so I will wriet here.
ReplyDeleteI knew your little boy and my sweet Naomi share birthdays together. I have been thinking of you as well.
I just made Naomi's cupcakes and cake (I had too much batter left) and oh I cried. My mom came home from work tonight and I was frustrated with things and was giving her mouth I felt bad. She then calls me to her room and I got annoyed thinking what. she puts her hands out for a hug and I hug her and just cry, and she cries.
She said Naomi was a beautiful little girl. And she then says she has something for me, brings out two charms from Pandora. A butterfly and her birthstone. My aunt (her sister) bought me a pandora bracelet after Naomi was born, with a little baby shoe, a pink colored charm, and a little girl. And so she saw a patient with one on today and thought of me. So sweet but made me sad. I have not taken of this bracelet since then and I wont. its "Naomi's bracelet", until I decide to add more maybe for her sister Sadie, not sure yet.
But I did want to let you know you were and have been on my mind. I will be taking Sadie to the beach in the mornign and releasing balloons at 9*16 time she was born, and writing her name in the sand and hanging out at the beach for a while.
xoxo Happy Birthday mama.