Oh how I miss blogging. I promise to be better. I will post very soon!! I have some good material....just be patient with me!! Be on the look-out....new post coming soon. In the meantime, I am keeping up with the blogs I read and keeping everyone close in thought and prayer.
Love,
"Melmo"
Oh boy, 16 months is such a fun age! Collen has quite the personality, and he seems to do something new every single day!
We are loving watching his personality blossom. He is quite the social butterfly. He loves to say, "Hey!" to people and "Bye Bye" when they leave. He will repeat almost anything you try to get him to say. He is very verbal....really "talkative" - although it comes out as jibberish most of the time.
He is saying so many things:
"Melmo" - Elmo
Da Da
Momma
NaNa - which is banana and NaNa (Jeremy's mom)
Juice
Eat
No
Yes
Mess
Gross
Yuck - "uck"
Truck -"uck"
Sock - "ock"
Shoes - "oosh"
Hot
Light
Octopus - "Pus"
Football - "butt-ball"
Ball
And all sorts of animal sounds!!
He says even more than these, but I can't remember them all!
I need to get some updated pictures on here for you guys to see. I take so many pictures on my phone...I really need to start using my camera again.
I am enjoying watching him learn and finding out what interests him. He still LOVES books. He now really enjoys puzzles and riding on his cars. He also enjoys his Sesame Street playset he got for Christmas. Anything that is hand-held, like a figurine or a toy car...he loves! He has also, just recently, become interested in coloring. He doesn't quite have the attention span for it, yet, but he will sit and color for a little while (supervised of course....we don't leave him unattended for very long at all!! He gets into mischief pretty easily!). He has also taken an interest in watching particular tv shows - namely Sesame Street/Elmo's World. He also enjoys the Winnie the Pooh movie and Curious George.
This week, we have noticed a huge change in his sleeping patterns. Over our Christmas break, he slept all night long... 8:30 - 6:30 in his crib, and then he would move over to our bed to finish out the last 2 hours. It was heavenly!! Now that we have gone back to work and back to our routine, he hasn't slept well at all. I don't know if it's the change in routine again (he slept fine with this routine before) or teething or a new phase of separation anxiety. Whatever it is...it has us all exhausted. He is waking up at night (usually about 3 hours after we put him to bed) just screaming and inconsolable! We considered night terrors, but he is soothable once we hold him. But once we go to put him back in the crib, he's screeching and screaming so loud!! He sounds terrified!! And we don't have the heart to leave him in his crib crying like that. So, we let him sleep with us. We know this is bad practice, but we have to get some sleep!! This has gone on for the last week with no end in sight. Tonight, he wouldn't even go down as he normally does. I watched Jeremy (on the monitor) trying to lay him in the crib, and he just cried and cried. Eventually, Jeremy took the matress out of his crib and put it on the floor so he could lay next to him (I had almost done this the other night...). I'm watching now and it seems Jeremy has fallen asleep...haha. Anyway, I'm wondering if we should convert his crib to a bed and see how that goes. Since he likes our bed so much...I'm thinking it may make him feel more comfortable?
Never a dull moment, huh?
We are loving watching his personality blossom. He is quite the social butterfly. He loves to say, "Hey!" to people and "Bye Bye" when they leave. He will repeat almost anything you try to get him to say. He is very verbal....really "talkative" - although it comes out as jibberish most of the time.
He is saying so many things:
"Melmo" - Elmo
Da Da
Momma
NaNa - which is banana and NaNa (Jeremy's mom)
Juice
Eat
No
Yes
Mess
Gross
Yuck - "uck"
Truck -"uck"
Sock - "ock"
Shoes - "oosh"
Hot
Light
Octopus - "Pus"
Football - "butt-ball"
Ball
And all sorts of animal sounds!!
He says even more than these, but I can't remember them all!
I need to get some updated pictures on here for you guys to see. I take so many pictures on my phone...I really need to start using my camera again.
I am enjoying watching him learn and finding out what interests him. He still LOVES books. He now really enjoys puzzles and riding on his cars. He also enjoys his Sesame Street playset he got for Christmas. Anything that is hand-held, like a figurine or a toy car...he loves! He has also, just recently, become interested in coloring. He doesn't quite have the attention span for it, yet, but he will sit and color for a little while (supervised of course....we don't leave him unattended for very long at all!! He gets into mischief pretty easily!). He has also taken an interest in watching particular tv shows - namely Sesame Street/Elmo's World. He also enjoys the Winnie the Pooh movie and Curious George.
This week, we have noticed a huge change in his sleeping patterns. Over our Christmas break, he slept all night long... 8:30 - 6:30 in his crib, and then he would move over to our bed to finish out the last 2 hours. It was heavenly!! Now that we have gone back to work and back to our routine, he hasn't slept well at all. I don't know if it's the change in routine again (he slept fine with this routine before) or teething or a new phase of separation anxiety. Whatever it is...it has us all exhausted. He is waking up at night (usually about 3 hours after we put him to bed) just screaming and inconsolable! We considered night terrors, but he is soothable once we hold him. But once we go to put him back in the crib, he's screeching and screaming so loud!! He sounds terrified!! And we don't have the heart to leave him in his crib crying like that. So, we let him sleep with us. We know this is bad practice, but we have to get some sleep!! This has gone on for the last week with no end in sight. Tonight, he wouldn't even go down as he normally does. I watched Jeremy (on the monitor) trying to lay him in the crib, and he just cried and cried. Eventually, Jeremy took the matress out of his crib and put it on the floor so he could lay next to him (I had almost done this the other night...). I'm watching now and it seems Jeremy has fallen asleep...haha. Anyway, I'm wondering if we should convert his crib to a bed and see how that goes. Since he likes our bed so much...I'm thinking it may make him feel more comfortable?
Never a dull moment, huh?
You Hold Me Now
Our worship team has been playing a new song lately. I remember hearing it, for the first time, over the summer. It caught me completely off guard, and I sobbed through the entire song. Jeremy didn't even have to see my face to know I was about to fall apart....and he ever-so-sweetly put his arm around me and held me through the song. The song is "You Hold Me Now" by Hillsong. It, like so many other songs about Heaven, obviously bring Ayden to mind. And now...my dad. Worship, and music in general, was difficult for me after Ayden passed away because the words to each song had taken on a whole new meaning. I would look around at people singing wondering if they truly meant the words they were singing....did they really bless the name of the One who gives AND takes away? After Collen was born, worship became a little easier. Music had begun to ease back into my life, and I was able to sing and listen without breaking down so much. Then...my dad passed away. And the cycle started over again. It's not quite as hard as it was before, but worship still triggers the emotions...especially when I imagine my dad singing those songs...in full on worship...as I loved to see him. I miss watching my dad worship. I miss dad...period. And now, I have 3 things propelling me to Heaven - Christ, Ayden, and my Dad...and this song brings all of that to the surface. I love everything about this song, and I hope that one day I can actually sing it instead of sobbing through it.
Here are the lyrics:
On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fear is swept away
In the light of your embrace
When Your love is all I need
And forever I am free
Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
When Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day
When the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
Here are the lyrics:
On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fear is swept away
In the light of your embrace
When Your love is all I need
And forever I am free
Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
When Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day
When the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your name
No weeping, no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now,
You hold me now
Another Christmas...
As I've mentioned in the past, the anticipation of the holidays - especially the firsts without a loved one - is worse than the actual holiday.
Leading up to Christmas, I had no idea what the day would hold emotionally for everyone. I knew that I would be okay because I would be distracted by Collen. This was our third Christmas without Ayden. The first and second were super, super hard. I fought back tears and held a lump in my throat through the entire day both years. This year, Collen kept us so distracted, it was hard to focus on the loss we were feeling. But it was there. When we gathered together as a family and I looked at Collen playing...imagining the 2 and a half year old who should be there also...running around...excited about Christmas and spending time with family. I never forget that there should be another excited child in the room....never.
My dad's absence was greatly felt. When it came time for the blessing for our meal at my grandma's (my dad's family), my dad always spoke the prayer. This year, my uncle stepped in - as it should be - and through tears and a broken voice (and heart), he spoke a beautiful prayer over the family. Candles were lit in memory of our loved ones in heaven. It was hard to see that extra candle on the table this year - my father's candle. Not hearing his voice, his laughter....not seeing him with Collen...was very, very hard. But like I said, Collen was a great distraction for all of us. We had to be strong and watching the joy on his face was enough to keep us joyful and mindful of our blessings despite our pain. I "heard" my dad there with my family as my uncle responded to Collen's jibber-jabber with "You did?!" - my dad ALWAYS said that to Ayden and Collen when they would coo...or speak that baby jibberish. I sat next to my uncle purposefully. I needed to feel the presence of a big, daddy body next to mine. I needed to loop my arm through his, as I would my dad, to help me feel closer to him again...especially at Christmas. My uncle is a lot like my dad in demeanor and even stature...so it helped (if that makes sense...hope it does). We all had our moments where we broke - and that was okay. It helps me to see others hurting. I know that sounds terrible, but don't misunderstand my meaning here. When I looked over and saw my cousin crying....knowing that his dad's sadness and tears (my uncle) triggered his tears...triggered the loss he feels...it helps me to see that because it shows me that they miss him, too. My mom,my grandma, my uncles, my sister, DJ, Jeremy, and myself aren't the only ones missing him. The extended family members miss him...neighbors miss him...friends miss him...people he met a handful of times miss him. It just helps to know he is not forgotten. Just as I've said in the past with Ayden - it would hurt me more to feel like people forgot him. And people continue to remind me that Ayden is not forgotten. And my dad won't be forgotten either.
Collen's Christmas was filled with family, fun, too many gifts to count (he is absolutely blessed beyond belief!), joy, laughter, and so many smiles. It warmed my heart to spend this Christmas with him. Last Christmas he was 4 months old. I was excited but full of fear. 4 months will forever be a milestone of fear for me - it's the one Ayden missed by 2 days. We thought we were in the clear. We thought we were past the "peak" time for SIDS. And like most parents, we thought it could never happen to us. Last year, I was operating on auto-pilot...surviving...praying fervently for each day to come and go and allow me to keep my baby. We have now seen a 2nd Christmas with Collen. This Christmas was much more relaxed. I allowed myself to enjoy it and revel in the twinkle in his little eyes on Christmas morning. Even if he didn't really understand, he knew he was surrounded by those who love him most in the world (and in Heaven...I believe his big brother, PaPa, and Great PaPa and Grandpas were there, too.) I made it a point to fully immerse myself in this experience with Collen. 1. because I didn't want to wallow in what we were missing. I wanted to dwell on our blessings and all the joy we still have in our lives. 2. I know better than most that I'm not promised another day with my child. So, I make it a point to do my best to never take a single second for granted. It can be gone in the blink of an eye.
My mindset has evolved over the past 2 and a half years. Yes, I miss Ayden. More than anyone could ever imagine. He is my first born, and I will forever share a bond with him that I won't share with any of our other children. I was his mother first. I felt his kicks and jabs first. I loved him first (don't confuse that with "most" because I love he and his brother equally and just as fully). I found my purpose as a mother through Ayden, and I am a better mother today because of him. And my heart was shattered when he had to leave my world. I have experienced the entire realm of grief....and have gone through the cycle numerous times. I find that now, I am a point where I can say, "I'm okay." I know that Ayden is safe. I know that he is okay. I know that I will be with Ayden again. He's waiting for me, and each passing day is one more step closer to him. My purpose, now, is not to dwell in the loss and the grief, but to live my life so that I can be joined with him again...and so that his brother and future siblings (if there are to be any) will also join him in Heaven. This life is full of loss. I don't like it. It's hard to accept. But, if you're able to find hope...you can face loss head on knowing that it is only temporary. Ayden isn't gone forever. My dad isn't gone forever. We have only been separated for a short time. If I look at it that way, facing the hard days here aren't so daunting.
I hope you all had a blessed Christmas. I know that many of you had difficult holidays due to loss and missing loved ones. I pray that you find comfort in your memories and that you are able to find hope to help you through. God bless.
Leading up to Christmas, I had no idea what the day would hold emotionally for everyone. I knew that I would be okay because I would be distracted by Collen. This was our third Christmas without Ayden. The first and second were super, super hard. I fought back tears and held a lump in my throat through the entire day both years. This year, Collen kept us so distracted, it was hard to focus on the loss we were feeling. But it was there. When we gathered together as a family and I looked at Collen playing...imagining the 2 and a half year old who should be there also...running around...excited about Christmas and spending time with family. I never forget that there should be another excited child in the room....never.
My dad's absence was greatly felt. When it came time for the blessing for our meal at my grandma's (my dad's family), my dad always spoke the prayer. This year, my uncle stepped in - as it should be - and through tears and a broken voice (and heart), he spoke a beautiful prayer over the family. Candles were lit in memory of our loved ones in heaven. It was hard to see that extra candle on the table this year - my father's candle. Not hearing his voice, his laughter....not seeing him with Collen...was very, very hard. But like I said, Collen was a great distraction for all of us. We had to be strong and watching the joy on his face was enough to keep us joyful and mindful of our blessings despite our pain. I "heard" my dad there with my family as my uncle responded to Collen's jibber-jabber with "You did?!" - my dad ALWAYS said that to Ayden and Collen when they would coo...or speak that baby jibberish. I sat next to my uncle purposefully. I needed to feel the presence of a big, daddy body next to mine. I needed to loop my arm through his, as I would my dad, to help me feel closer to him again...especially at Christmas. My uncle is a lot like my dad in demeanor and even stature...so it helped (if that makes sense...hope it does). We all had our moments where we broke - and that was okay. It helps me to see others hurting. I know that sounds terrible, but don't misunderstand my meaning here. When I looked over and saw my cousin crying....knowing that his dad's sadness and tears (my uncle) triggered his tears...triggered the loss he feels...it helps me to see that because it shows me that they miss him, too. My mom,my grandma, my uncles, my sister, DJ, Jeremy, and myself aren't the only ones missing him. The extended family members miss him...neighbors miss him...friends miss him...people he met a handful of times miss him. It just helps to know he is not forgotten. Just as I've said in the past with Ayden - it would hurt me more to feel like people forgot him. And people continue to remind me that Ayden is not forgotten. And my dad won't be forgotten either.
Collen's Christmas was filled with family, fun, too many gifts to count (he is absolutely blessed beyond belief!), joy, laughter, and so many smiles. It warmed my heart to spend this Christmas with him. Last Christmas he was 4 months old. I was excited but full of fear. 4 months will forever be a milestone of fear for me - it's the one Ayden missed by 2 days. We thought we were in the clear. We thought we were past the "peak" time for SIDS. And like most parents, we thought it could never happen to us. Last year, I was operating on auto-pilot...surviving...praying fervently for each day to come and go and allow me to keep my baby. We have now seen a 2nd Christmas with Collen. This Christmas was much more relaxed. I allowed myself to enjoy it and revel in the twinkle in his little eyes on Christmas morning. Even if he didn't really understand, he knew he was surrounded by those who love him most in the world (and in Heaven...I believe his big brother, PaPa, and Great PaPa and Grandpas were there, too.) I made it a point to fully immerse myself in this experience with Collen. 1. because I didn't want to wallow in what we were missing. I wanted to dwell on our blessings and all the joy we still have in our lives. 2. I know better than most that I'm not promised another day with my child. So, I make it a point to do my best to never take a single second for granted. It can be gone in the blink of an eye.
My mindset has evolved over the past 2 and a half years. Yes, I miss Ayden. More than anyone could ever imagine. He is my first born, and I will forever share a bond with him that I won't share with any of our other children. I was his mother first. I felt his kicks and jabs first. I loved him first (don't confuse that with "most" because I love he and his brother equally and just as fully). I found my purpose as a mother through Ayden, and I am a better mother today because of him. And my heart was shattered when he had to leave my world. I have experienced the entire realm of grief....and have gone through the cycle numerous times. I find that now, I am a point where I can say, "I'm okay." I know that Ayden is safe. I know that he is okay. I know that I will be with Ayden again. He's waiting for me, and each passing day is one more step closer to him. My purpose, now, is not to dwell in the loss and the grief, but to live my life so that I can be joined with him again...and so that his brother and future siblings (if there are to be any) will also join him in Heaven. This life is full of loss. I don't like it. It's hard to accept. But, if you're able to find hope...you can face loss head on knowing that it is only temporary. Ayden isn't gone forever. My dad isn't gone forever. We have only been separated for a short time. If I look at it that way, facing the hard days here aren't so daunting.
I hope you all had a blessed Christmas. I know that many of you had difficult holidays due to loss and missing loved ones. I pray that you find comfort in your memories and that you are able to find hope to help you through. God bless.
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