Since Collen was born, I haven't dreamt of Ayden. I used to dream of him quite frequently. After Collen was born, the dreaming either stopped (due to lack of sleep and time to actually get into a dream state) or became about Collen.
Last night, though, I saw my Ayden. I've said in the past that I'm not one of those that puts a lot of stock in dreams. I don't see them as ways to receive messages (although, I don't entirely disbelieve that either) or to reach an enlightened moment. Dreams, to me, are blendings of the days events, emotions, and the thoughts that have been heavy on our minds. Ayden has been on my mind a lot lately, so I wasn't surprised when he showed up last night.
As much as I absolutely love dreaming of him, it is so incredibly hard. I remember the dream vividly because this time, he stayed with me. In every single dream I have had of Ayden, since he passed away, I haven't gotten to keep him. I've watched him slip through my fingers every single time. And I wake up heart-broken once again and just hurting....
Last night's dream was reminiscent of past dreams. He was in the hospital, fighting for his life. The doctors were giving me little hope, but I refused to believe them. I knew that he just needed me. He was lying so still....breathing but not responsive. It seemed like days passed, and I was still sitting there watching him....believe they were wrong. Then, the next thing I knew, he opened his eyes, sat up, looked at me and smiled, and said, "Momma." As I reached or him, I woke up. Tears flooded my eyes because it always happens that way....so close....I could feel him...and in this one, all I had to do was reach out and touch him....but I was too late.
I'm sure many of you wonder "where I am" in all of this these days. It's been almost 2 years. We've gone on to have another beautiful child who has helped ease the pain and bring joy back into our lives. BUT the hole is still there. The Ayden-sized hole is still in my heart, and nothing can fill it.
There are a lot of mothers who read my blog who have experience our same loss, and they see hope in us and where we are. But I want them, especially, to know that while we aren't in the deep, dark hole of grief anymore, the pain is still there. I doesn't go away. It begins to lessen, in a way, but I don't go a day without feeling it. I still cry and hurt for our loss. I still utter the "what ifs" and the "why me...why him?" But, I have to say, God has done a lot of work on us.
When we first lost Ayden, I remember thinking...."how in the world does a nonbeliever get through this?" I was barely hanging on....but I knew I still had hope to cling to. I had the promise of Heaven and an eternity with my son. But HOW does anyone get through this without that? A lot of healing has happened over the past (almost) 2 years. A degree of healing I never, ever thought possible. I imagined not being able to get out of bed for years....not being able to face friends with babies....not ever being happy again. I didn't think I'd ever laugh again....or smile. I invited the grief in, and I wanted to hurt until I couldn't breathe.
Losing a child is the most traumatic, life-changing, heart-breaking thing anyone can experience. Time does not heal the wound....it magnifies it until you are forced to face it. And nothing you can do can change it. Nothing. (That was the hardest part for me...I lost all control) Please know that you don't have to face it alone.
I've met so many families over the past 2 years...families who are walking this walk right alongside us. They are so special...and their children are always on my heart. I can watch Collen play and make friends, but I also know who some of Ayden's friends are, too. :) I think of you all so often, and I pray that your journey is becoming lighter....filled with a little more joy...and that you can somehow find hope and cling to it.
Double Digits!
Today, Collen turned 10 months old! I say it with every milestone, but I really can not believe he's already 10 months old! It's incredible just HOW MUCH a baby changes in 10 short months!
These days Collen is:
- Crawling up a storm! He loves to take off and then laugh and laugh...waiting for one of us to chase him.
- The week after he started crawling, he started pulling up. Now, he's pulling up with ease and cruising around the furniture. Today, I watched him move from one of his stand-up toys to the ottoman without help! (Slow down, buddy!!)
- He isn't showing an interest in walking at the moment, but I have a feeling he'll be walking by his first birthday. Those legs are still pretty wobbly right now!
- Such a character! For a while, I wondered if he would ever show his sense of humor. He would laugh at something a few times and then be done with it. That is no more. He laughs at so many things these days....usually whatever he deems humorous. He'll sit alone, playing, and just crack himself up. It's hilarious and so adorable!
- Developing a distinct personality. He definitely has his preferences on things, and he will let you know if he is not happy with something. It baffles me that kids already come wired with impatience and short tempers (because he certainly didn't learn any of that from us!). We're starting to have to use discipline to teach him boundaries and expectations - like not touching things that could hurt him and not throwing a fit when we take something away. Parenting becomes hard so early on....but I know it's for his own good.
- Speaking his own language. This week, Collen developed this language of his very own. You're all probably familiar with the jibberish that babies speak. Collen can be persuaded to get into a conversation by having his jibberish spoken to him. He will join in and talk right back. I've tried to get a video of it, but he's more interested in the camera at that point.
As far as where he is physically, he weighs somewhere around 22.5 - 23 pounds, and he's probably close to 30 inches.
He still LOVES to eat! He'll eat pretty much anything that's put in front of him. When we go out to eat, we used to (still try to) feed him before we ate, but once we're eating, he thinks he should be eating, too. So, we save snacks (puffs, yogurt melts, crunchies, etc.) for when we're eating so he's kept occupied. He gets 4 bottles of formula a day (6 ounces each), and of those bottles, he probably gets a total of 20 ounces. He has better things to do than drink his milk...
He loves to play, play, play. And if it all of a sudden goes quiet, you can usually find him with his books. He opens them and points at the pictures....talking to himself or laughing at the pictures. He is a child after my own heart. I hope he loves to read as much as I did as a child.
Collen loves animals - especially dogs. He and Tucker have become friends...sort of. Tucker tolerates him and lets him pat him and "hit" him without even flinching. I've been pleasantly surprised by Tucker. :) Gracie is still too big to play with Collen. She gets too excited when he's around, and she just wants to lick him all over. He likes to look at her from a distance and gets so excited when she comes into view.
It's so strange that in 2 months we'll be celebrating his first birthday! We have tentative plans in mind but nothing set in stone, yet. I know it doesn't need to be over-the-top, but we have so much to celebrate! Every day with Collen, these days, is something new, and we're loving watching him grow and learn and just be Collen. Just when I don't think I could love him anymore....I do. He brings so much joy to our lives. Thank you all for keeping up with us as Collen grows and for continuing to pray for us and praise with us!
Happy Anniversary & Happy Father's Day
Unfortunately, these pictures are not in the most organized of order, but I'll caption as I go.
Jeremy and I celebrated 6 years of marriage on Saturday! Married for 6 years, and in September, we will have been together for 11 years! So hard to believe it has been that long. We have been through so much together....more than any couple could ever imagine they would face. And what I love about us is that we know each other so well....we don't have to speak to know what the other would say...do...think...in any given situation. We just know. I love that we have a friendship that keeps us laughing and silly. And we have a relationship that keeps us grounded. We know what we expect from ourselves in our marriage. We know the standards we set for ourselves on the day we said "I do." It has become second nature to always include each other in decisions....to discuss issues....to be forthright and communicate with each other about anything at all (that part has gotten easier as the years have passed). We aren't perfect by any means, but I think we're doing pretty good, if I say so myself! God has blessed us beyond belief. Losing Ayden was obviously our most diffcult moment, and our marriage grew stronger through it. It forced us on our knees and required us to lean on each other. So far, we have two beautiful boys thanks to these 6 years (11 years), and they are definitely our most prized possessions. Just talk to either one of us about Ayden and Collen....you'll see our eyes light up and shine at the mere mention of them. We've learned a lot about life...love...loss...and enduring through it all...growing stronger, together. I look forward to many, many more years!
This year was Jeremy's 3rd Father's Day. Last year, our second Mother's and Father's Day, was undoubtedly the most difficult year. The year before, Ayden had just been born. Our first parents' day celebrations, and we were over the moon in love with our new bundle of joy. Our lives had changed in an instant. The two of us...who were once a couple of kids in love...had become parents! And then, we faced every parent's nightmare. The next year marked all of the firsts....without Ayden...including Mother's Day and Father's Day. God had blessed us with another baby on the way, and on those days, we held tight to Collen....feeling every nudge and kick...believing God for His faithfulness and His promise to bless us and see us through the good and the bad. And now....we've celebrated our third Mother's Day and Father's Day. The days are certainly still bittersweet; they always will be. The child who made us parents is no longer here to celebrate with us. However, Collen - the child who reminds us daily to never, ever take a single second for granted....to lean on God even when you don't want to....to love with your whole heart even when it is the most terrifying thing you can imagine - he has made this 3rd year so incredibly special!
Jeremy is a wonderful dad. I always knew he would be. We met when we were 17, and as any typical girl does....I dreamed of marrying him and starting our family. And I wondered what kind of dad he would be. I watched him with kids, and he was a natural....always playful and joining in with their games. I sighed a huge sigh of relief, knowing he would be such a wonderful dad! And I was right! I've never seen Jeremy more complete than when he's holding one of his babies. He adores his sons, and I absolutely love watching him with them. Ayden and Collen are blessed little boys to call him their Daddy!
I have been blessed to have wonderful men in my life - my grandfathers, my dad, Jeremy's dad, my godfather (no picture of him...unfortunately. He passed away when I was 14), and Jeremy. I could extend that list out even more, but I'll keep it to the pictures I have....
This is my grandpa "Grandaddy" - He adores all of his grandchildren and great grandchildren. Ayden holds a very special place in his heart. And he absolutely adores Collen and the time he gets to spend with him. He has taught me the value of family and the importance of forgiveness. He is known for telling funny stories and passing down stories and funny sayings he learned from his parents and grandparents. He is best remembered for THE CLAW! Happy Father's Day Grandaddy!
This is my dad - Thurman. I love this picture of Daddy and Collen...so sweet.
Jeremy, holding Ayden soon after he was born. I'll never, ever forget the absolute joy of that moment.
Jeremy, holding Collen soon after he was born. Such relief filled that room the moment he made his appearance. Relief...joy...renewed faith...and so much love.
Jeremy likes to have face-to-face time with his boys. I love these pictures.
Jeremy and Ayden enjoying some eskimo kisses.
Jeremy and Ayden - his first week of life. Jeremy couldn't hold him enough.
And this handsome guy is my dad! This was on my parents' wedding day in 1974. This my favorite picture of my dad....I just had to share. I was blessed with the most awesome dad a girl could ask for. He played with me and my sister, taught me how to play softball, taught me how to fish, encouraged every interest I had (even the weird ones), taught me to love Christ and to follow Him, and he showed me what a godly man should be and what to look for in a husband. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have had the childhood that I had. I know how blessed I am, and I am forever grateful for all that my parents have done for me, my sister, and me and Jeremy. My dad was the rock of our family....the kind of spiritual leader, husband, and father that God intended for all of us to have.
Daddy and Ayden (and Tucker). He loves his grandsons so, so much. I've only known him as a dad. Now, seeing him as a grandpa, I'm seeing a whole different side of him. I respect his advice and his encouragement so much. I could write a whole post about my dad alone. I just hope I've made him as proud of me as I am of him.
And this is Jeremy's dad, Calvin, and Ayden. I couldn't find a picture of him with Collen (although, I know I have one somewhere!) Jeremy's dad is a hard-working, loving man. He is incredibly tender-hearted behind his manly-man exterior (he tries to be tough, but he ain't foolin' me! :) ) From day one, he welcomed me into their family with open arms....always treating me as if I was his own daughter. I love our heart-to-heart conversations - although they don't happen often because he is a big softie....and I can't stand to see those crocodile tears welling up in his eyes. Jeremy's dad loves his grandchildren so, so much. You can see it so clearly. He is the proud grandpa of 3 boys and soon-to-be a little girl (Jeremy's sister is pregnant...due in August), and they have him wrapped around his little finger.
Jeremy and I celebrated 6 years of marriage on Saturday! Married for 6 years, and in September, we will have been together for 11 years! So hard to believe it has been that long. We have been through so much together....more than any couple could ever imagine they would face. And what I love about us is that we know each other so well....we don't have to speak to know what the other would say...do...think...in any given situation. We just know. I love that we have a friendship that keeps us laughing and silly. And we have a relationship that keeps us grounded. We know what we expect from ourselves in our marriage. We know the standards we set for ourselves on the day we said "I do." It has become second nature to always include each other in decisions....to discuss issues....to be forthright and communicate with each other about anything at all (that part has gotten easier as the years have passed). We aren't perfect by any means, but I think we're doing pretty good, if I say so myself! God has blessed us beyond belief. Losing Ayden was obviously our most diffcult moment, and our marriage grew stronger through it. It forced us on our knees and required us to lean on each other. So far, we have two beautiful boys thanks to these 6 years (11 years), and they are definitely our most prized possessions. Just talk to either one of us about Ayden and Collen....you'll see our eyes light up and shine at the mere mention of them. We've learned a lot about life...love...loss...and enduring through it all...growing stronger, together. I look forward to many, many more years!
This year was Jeremy's 3rd Father's Day. Last year, our second Mother's and Father's Day, was undoubtedly the most difficult year. The year before, Ayden had just been born. Our first parents' day celebrations, and we were over the moon in love with our new bundle of joy. Our lives had changed in an instant. The two of us...who were once a couple of kids in love...had become parents! And then, we faced every parent's nightmare. The next year marked all of the firsts....without Ayden...including Mother's Day and Father's Day. God had blessed us with another baby on the way, and on those days, we held tight to Collen....feeling every nudge and kick...believing God for His faithfulness and His promise to bless us and see us through the good and the bad. And now....we've celebrated our third Mother's Day and Father's Day. The days are certainly still bittersweet; they always will be. The child who made us parents is no longer here to celebrate with us. However, Collen - the child who reminds us daily to never, ever take a single second for granted....to lean on God even when you don't want to....to love with your whole heart even when it is the most terrifying thing you can imagine - he has made this 3rd year so incredibly special!
Jeremy is a wonderful dad. I always knew he would be. We met when we were 17, and as any typical girl does....I dreamed of marrying him and starting our family. And I wondered what kind of dad he would be. I watched him with kids, and he was a natural....always playful and joining in with their games. I sighed a huge sigh of relief, knowing he would be such a wonderful dad! And I was right! I've never seen Jeremy more complete than when he's holding one of his babies. He adores his sons, and I absolutely love watching him with them. Ayden and Collen are blessed little boys to call him their Daddy!
I have been blessed to have wonderful men in my life - my grandfathers, my dad, Jeremy's dad, my godfather (no picture of him...unfortunately. He passed away when I was 14), and Jeremy. I could extend that list out even more, but I'll keep it to the pictures I have....
This is my grandpa "Grandaddy" - He adores all of his grandchildren and great grandchildren. Ayden holds a very special place in his heart. And he absolutely adores Collen and the time he gets to spend with him. He has taught me the value of family and the importance of forgiveness. He is known for telling funny stories and passing down stories and funny sayings he learned from his parents and grandparents. He is best remembered for THE CLAW! Happy Father's Day Grandaddy!
This is my dad - Thurman. I love this picture of Daddy and Collen...so sweet.
Jeremy, holding Ayden soon after he was born. I'll never, ever forget the absolute joy of that moment.
Jeremy, holding Collen soon after he was born. Such relief filled that room the moment he made his appearance. Relief...joy...renewed faith...and so much love.
Jeremy likes to have face-to-face time with his boys. I love these pictures.
Jeremy and Ayden enjoying some eskimo kisses.One of my all time favorite pictures of the two of them. Always brings me to tears.
Jeremy and Ayden - his first week of life. Jeremy couldn't hold him enough.
And this handsome guy is my dad! This was on my parents' wedding day in 1974. This my favorite picture of my dad....I just had to share. I was blessed with the most awesome dad a girl could ask for. He played with me and my sister, taught me how to play softball, taught me how to fish, encouraged every interest I had (even the weird ones), taught me to love Christ and to follow Him, and he showed me what a godly man should be and what to look for in a husband. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have had the childhood that I had. I know how blessed I am, and I am forever grateful for all that my parents have done for me, my sister, and me and Jeremy. My dad was the rock of our family....the kind of spiritual leader, husband, and father that God intended for all of us to have.
Daddy and Ayden (and Tucker). He loves his grandsons so, so much. I've only known him as a dad. Now, seeing him as a grandpa, I'm seeing a whole different side of him. I respect his advice and his encouragement so much. I could write a whole post about my dad alone. I just hope I've made him as proud of me as I am of him.
And this is Jeremy's dad, Calvin, and Ayden. I couldn't find a picture of him with Collen (although, I know I have one somewhere!) Jeremy's dad is a hard-working, loving man. He is incredibly tender-hearted behind his manly-man exterior (he tries to be tough, but he ain't foolin' me! :) ) From day one, he welcomed me into their family with open arms....always treating me as if I was his own daughter. I love our heart-to-heart conversations - although they don't happen often because he is a big softie....and I can't stand to see those crocodile tears welling up in his eyes. Jeremy's dad loves his grandchildren so, so much. You can see it so clearly. He is the proud grandpa of 3 boys and soon-to-be a little girl (Jeremy's sister is pregnant...due in August), and they have him wrapped around his little finger.Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful, beautiful men in my life. I love you all, and I am so incredibly proud of the examples and role models you are. I pray that we have many more Father's Day celebrations together!
I wonder.
Hey sweet boy,
I think about you every day. Saying that I miss you doesn't even begin to express the longing and aching of my heart when my arms are missing the weight of you....and when I just need to see your smile.
I write a lot about your little brother. Oh, he's something, Ayden. The two of you would be such good buddies. I look at Collen and can't help but wonder what you would have been like at 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, 2 years and 2 months? Would you and Collen have the same silly, goofy personality? Would you be protective of your brother? Would you be his hero?
I only got 3 months and 28 days with you, but it was enough to learn so much about you. I think you definitely would have been silly. You already were so funny! But I think you would have been contemplative.....and quiet(er) than your brother. When you were with us, I imagined you older, and I could see you as the kid who could sit and play alone for hours.....content and so laid back.
It breaks my heart that all I can do is wonder. I see the kids in your Sunday school class and i wonder if they will ever feel your absence....will they realize that there should be one more playing and hearing the Bible stories? I wonder if people will begin to forget you....erase you from what they consider the Jones family....when they think of us, will they remember you?
On the outside, Mommy and Daddy seem okay these days. We can be seem smiling and shining with joy. But if they were to look deep inside our eyes...they would see the hurt. They would see just how incomplete our lives feel. We live an ordinary life, but buddy your absence is felt every day. I go through each day never feeling as if i am 100% here.....every part of me feels the loss....it feels the absence of the little boy who should be here. I dint have to wonder if that will ever change....it won't. I don't want it to. A mother is forever connected to her child....even when he is physically gone. It's a remarkable feeling...but I still feel you with me....subtle nudges of Ayden.
Some days I ache for you so much that it just hurts. I can physically hold Collen and snuggle and kiss him when I just need that baby love from him. But when I need my Ayden love, my arms are empty....and my heart just bursts. Some days it's just so, so hard. I have learned to live with the pain and exist between grief and hope, but some days it catches up with me....and I just need my Ayden.
Today, I need my Ayden. I wonder so much if God tells you about us....about your brother.....about all the people who love you. I wonder if you think of us. I wonder how long it will be until I see you again.
Every day that passes, the distance between our time with you and our life now continues to grow. Two worlds....two existences...two lives that can't quite seem to co-exist. But every day that passes is a day closer to you. I find such relief in that one truth. One step closer, every day.
I don't wonder what that day will be like.....I already know that I will run as fast I can and scoop you up in my arms (no matter how big or small you may be) and I will finally be whole again....with my Savior and with my baby. Death has no hold on me. I don't fear it....I don't welcome it....but I rejoice in the promise that will result. Until then, me and your dad have to guide your brother and show him the love of Jesus....and pray, and pray, and pray for him and his salvation. One day, we will have such a family reunion.
I think about you every day. Saying that I miss you doesn't even begin to express the longing and aching of my heart when my arms are missing the weight of you....and when I just need to see your smile.
I write a lot about your little brother. Oh, he's something, Ayden. The two of you would be such good buddies. I look at Collen and can't help but wonder what you would have been like at 6 months, 9 months, 12 months, 2 years and 2 months? Would you and Collen have the same silly, goofy personality? Would you be protective of your brother? Would you be his hero?
I only got 3 months and 28 days with you, but it was enough to learn so much about you. I think you definitely would have been silly. You already were so funny! But I think you would have been contemplative.....and quiet(er) than your brother. When you were with us, I imagined you older, and I could see you as the kid who could sit and play alone for hours.....content and so laid back.
It breaks my heart that all I can do is wonder. I see the kids in your Sunday school class and i wonder if they will ever feel your absence....will they realize that there should be one more playing and hearing the Bible stories? I wonder if people will begin to forget you....erase you from what they consider the Jones family....when they think of us, will they remember you?
On the outside, Mommy and Daddy seem okay these days. We can be seem smiling and shining with joy. But if they were to look deep inside our eyes...they would see the hurt. They would see just how incomplete our lives feel. We live an ordinary life, but buddy your absence is felt every day. I go through each day never feeling as if i am 100% here.....every part of me feels the loss....it feels the absence of the little boy who should be here. I dint have to wonder if that will ever change....it won't. I don't want it to. A mother is forever connected to her child....even when he is physically gone. It's a remarkable feeling...but I still feel you with me....subtle nudges of Ayden.
Some days I ache for you so much that it just hurts. I can physically hold Collen and snuggle and kiss him when I just need that baby love from him. But when I need my Ayden love, my arms are empty....and my heart just bursts. Some days it's just so, so hard. I have learned to live with the pain and exist between grief and hope, but some days it catches up with me....and I just need my Ayden.
Today, I need my Ayden. I wonder so much if God tells you about us....about your brother.....about all the people who love you. I wonder if you think of us. I wonder how long it will be until I see you again.
Every day that passes, the distance between our time with you and our life now continues to grow. Two worlds....two existences...two lives that can't quite seem to co-exist. But every day that passes is a day closer to you. I find such relief in that one truth. One step closer, every day.
I don't wonder what that day will be like.....I already know that I will run as fast I can and scoop you up in my arms (no matter how big or small you may be) and I will finally be whole again....with my Savior and with my baby. Death has no hold on me. I don't fear it....I don't welcome it....but I rejoice in the promise that will result. Until then, me and your dad have to guide your brother and show him the love of Jesus....and pray, and pray, and pray for him and his salvation. One day, we will have such a family reunion.
Me time and bugs...
Yeah, I'm not well acquainted with the concept of "me time" these days. I don't mind it...I really don't. In fact, when I do happen to be away from Collen, I feel like I'm missing one of my limbs...I literally have to stop and gather my thoughts because I actually have time to slow my brain down.
The most time I've spent away from Collen has been 2 hours...maybe 3. And he has always been at our house, being kept by Jeremy, grandparents or Aunt Megan. Jeremy's only "guy time" with Collen has been spent at the house...because I have been hesitant about letting go and letting them venture out. I know...I'm too paranoid. But seriously...Jeremy AND Collen out on the road together...if something happened - that's my whole life...right there...gone. It's not realistic to think that way, though....just have to trust they'll be okay. So, today, I was desperately needing some "me time." I mentioned to Jeremy the other day that I would love to just be able to sit...alone...and be able to just think, watch a movie from beginning to end, and relax. (Even saying that triggers my "selfish" red flags, but I know everyone deserves me time...even ME.) Jeremy mentioned meeting a friend and his son for wings, so I sent them on their way, asking Jeremy to text me when they got there so I knew they were okay. I must have kissed Collen 20 times before they left....
I got myself ready (ready enough to go through a drive thru), and went to Bojangles. Came home, put in My Girl, and enjoyed a movie. It was nice to just sit....clear my head...and just be. My Girl, however, is not the best choice of movie for me...considering our situation....and right as the really hard part was coming up, Jeremy and Collen walked in. So, I stopped the movie and decided to save my "good cry" for another day.
I think we should schedule in weekly Mommy "me time." :)
In other Jones household news....we have bugs. And not just any bugs...roaches. Ugh....it grosses me out just to type that. Every time we see one, I say, "HOW did it get in here?!?! And don't tell me from outside!" Apparently, though, we might have a problem on our hands because Jeremy found baby ones today....YES babies!! All day, I have felt like bugs have been crawling all over me. It makes me feel so dirty. We are not dirty people, and our house is definitely clean....and we don't have much clutter, so it baffles me that they've chosen our house. We've called some bug people, and they're coming on Monday. I can't stand a bug, and I certainly can't stand a bug in my house! Tonight, no bug sightings....luckily. ugh.
Hope you are all enjoying your weekend. :) If you haven't....schedule yourself some me time and do your body and your mind some good.
The most time I've spent away from Collen has been 2 hours...maybe 3. And he has always been at our house, being kept by Jeremy, grandparents or Aunt Megan. Jeremy's only "guy time" with Collen has been spent at the house...because I have been hesitant about letting go and letting them venture out. I know...I'm too paranoid. But seriously...Jeremy AND Collen out on the road together...if something happened - that's my whole life...right there...gone. It's not realistic to think that way, though....just have to trust they'll be okay. So, today, I was desperately needing some "me time." I mentioned to Jeremy the other day that I would love to just be able to sit...alone...and be able to just think, watch a movie from beginning to end, and relax. (Even saying that triggers my "selfish" red flags, but I know everyone deserves me time...even ME.) Jeremy mentioned meeting a friend and his son for wings, so I sent them on their way, asking Jeremy to text me when they got there so I knew they were okay. I must have kissed Collen 20 times before they left....
I got myself ready (ready enough to go through a drive thru), and went to Bojangles. Came home, put in My Girl, and enjoyed a movie. It was nice to just sit....clear my head...and just be. My Girl, however, is not the best choice of movie for me...considering our situation....and right as the really hard part was coming up, Jeremy and Collen walked in. So, I stopped the movie and decided to save my "good cry" for another day.
I think we should schedule in weekly Mommy "me time." :)
In other Jones household news....we have bugs. And not just any bugs...roaches. Ugh....it grosses me out just to type that. Every time we see one, I say, "HOW did it get in here?!?! And don't tell me from outside!" Apparently, though, we might have a problem on our hands because Jeremy found baby ones today....YES babies!! All day, I have felt like bugs have been crawling all over me. It makes me feel so dirty. We are not dirty people, and our house is definitely clean....and we don't have much clutter, so it baffles me that they've chosen our house. We've called some bug people, and they're coming on Monday. I can't stand a bug, and I certainly can't stand a bug in my house! Tonight, no bug sightings....luckily. ugh.
Hope you are all enjoying your weekend. :) If you haven't....schedule yourself some me time and do your body and your mind some good.
Do you really want to know?
As many of you have probably noticed (or maybe you haven't?)....I haven't been posting much lately. Well, as much as I adore spending every minute of my day with Collen....I somehow doubt that you really want to hear about that all the time. We really don't get out all that much. If we do, it's too run errands, but these days I have had to limit our outings due to heat and my knack for spending money whenever we leave the house (I need a job, people....seriously...still haven't heard anything).
So, I thought (for my own records and perhaps your interest/boredom) I would detail a typical day for us. I know you're just burning to know what goes on around here.
(The times have been approximated)
6:15: Collen wakes up. Put him in bed with us; he sleeps until 7:45 on.the.dot.
7:45: Bottle (6-7 ounces) and breakfast - some kind of oatmeal or fruit/rice cereal
8:15 - 10:00 - play time - plays on the floor in the living room, getting into whatever he can. He likes to explore these days. I usually play with him and try to do any cleaning/straightening that needs to be done. Or I catch up on emails, facebook, and blogs. He entertains himself well, so this usually a good time for quick internet usage.
10:00 - 11:00: nap time. I usually lay down with him. I must go to bed earlier....
11:00 - 12:30: More play time. We play all sorts of games....hide and seek, peek-a-boo, read books, play with toys, take Tucker out to potty, watch Sid the Science Kid, and I may get some more cleaning and such done.
Between wake up and lunch time, I have probably changed 2 poopy diapers.....and have 2 more to anticipate throughout the rest of the day. Anyone else's baby poop this much??
12:00 - 1:00 - Somewhere in here, he gets another bottle (6 ounces, but usually only takes 4), then lunch time. A serving of a green veggie and a serving of a fruit. Usually gets some yogurt melts or veggie crunchies and water in his sippy cup.
1:00 - 2:00: More play time. This is when I am likely to attempt a shower (if it's a day when Jeremy is gone all day - thank you, God, for summer break! So nice to have him home Tues. and Thurs. mornings...and all day Friday). For this to work, I have to put him in the exersaucer long enough to get a shower, then once I'm out, he's ready to get out of it. So, he sits on the floor in our room and plays/explores (supervised of course!) while I get ready.
2:00 - 3:30 or 4:00: nap time. I lay down with him until he falls asleep (I know....I need to break this habit, but really....it's just me and him here all the time....and it works for him. But we'll have to change this once day care comes into the picture). I either use this time to quickly check email again (to find no job prospects), do some light cleaning, pick up toys, maybe watch a movie (with captioning....haha....our tvs have the captioning on all over the house), read, etc. I have been known to indulge in a little nap of my own as well....
4:00 - 5:30: More play time. We may run errands during this time or take a bath (if we just need to change it up), got get the mail, check on the garden outside, clean up, definitely get some more play time in. Around 4:30, he gets his 3rd bottle of the day (6 ounces...might drink it all).
5:30 - 6:00: Dinner time. An orange veggie and a fruit or yogurt. I've tried him on the stage 3 veggies, but he does not handle the texture/chunks well. So, we're still on stage 2 for the most part. He actually prefers whole, solid foods. So, I have been cooking him carrots until they are super soft and slicing them. He loves it! I cooked a sweet potato the other day and just scooped the inside out, mashed it up, and served. He loved that, too. So, maybe he just wants to skip the 3rd stage and move to the 4th. He still only has 2 little teeth (the top ones look close to coming in!!), but he's learned how to use those jaws!
6:00 - 7:30: This is when we may venture out (with Daddy) to run errands, go to a softball game, go out to dinner with grandparents/friends/just us. If we're home, Collen plays while we eat our dinner. And we usually end up on the floor with him and just play and play. :) This is also the typical time frame for bath time and the nighttime/before-bed routine.
7:30: He starts winding down. We brush his teeth, get his pjs on, and then it's me and him in the recliner for a story, a bottle, and a little rocking. I've been reading the Little Boys Bible Story Book for Moms and Sons to him. So, we read a bible story - he usually points at the pictures. Then he gets his last bottle for the day (6-8 ounces - usually takes it all...especially if he's super sleepy). I give him his paci, snuggle him all I can, we say our good nights, and then I put him down in his crib (awake). We recently got him one of those baby aquariums, and he LOVES it. It has really helped him self-soothe to get to sleep. I usually stay with him until he seems drowsy enough....he likes for me to hold his hand, stroke his face and hair, and rub his belly. Lately, though, I've just stood by his crib while he watches the aquarium and drifts off the sleep. Really...that thing works for us! Typically, he's asleep within 5 minutes of putting him down.
8:00 pm - 6:15 am: Sleeps, tosses, turns, wakes up between 1-5 times during the night. I think his top teeth are bothering him right now; he cried out in his sleep about 4 times last night, but went right back to sleep. Last week, he only woke up once a night. This week....about 3-5. So, I'm thinking we'll be seeing teeth soon. :)
-- During this time of night, Jeremy and I can be found cleaning, straightening, washing bottles, putting up dishes and laundry, catching up on facebook/news/emails/football stuff (J...not me..haha), and some nights we'll watch a movie. This is also when we're able to catch up with each other - talk about our days and such. I usually don't go to bed until midnight (why I said I must go to bed earlier). Before bed, I read for about an hour....then drift off to sleep....and wake up whenever Collen needs to be soothed.
That's a typical day for us. Pretty boring, but I'll take boring any day!
So, I thought (for my own records and perhaps your interest/boredom) I would detail a typical day for us. I know you're just burning to know what goes on around here.
(The times have been approximated)
6:15: Collen wakes up. Put him in bed with us; he sleeps until 7:45 on.the.dot.
7:45: Bottle (6-7 ounces) and breakfast - some kind of oatmeal or fruit/rice cereal
8:15 - 10:00 - play time - plays on the floor in the living room, getting into whatever he can. He likes to explore these days. I usually play with him and try to do any cleaning/straightening that needs to be done. Or I catch up on emails, facebook, and blogs. He entertains himself well, so this usually a good time for quick internet usage.
10:00 - 11:00: nap time. I usually lay down with him. I must go to bed earlier....
11:00 - 12:30: More play time. We play all sorts of games....hide and seek, peek-a-boo, read books, play with toys, take Tucker out to potty, watch Sid the Science Kid, and I may get some more cleaning and such done.
Between wake up and lunch time, I have probably changed 2 poopy diapers.....and have 2 more to anticipate throughout the rest of the day. Anyone else's baby poop this much??
12:00 - 1:00 - Somewhere in here, he gets another bottle (6 ounces, but usually only takes 4), then lunch time. A serving of a green veggie and a serving of a fruit. Usually gets some yogurt melts or veggie crunchies and water in his sippy cup.
1:00 - 2:00: More play time. This is when I am likely to attempt a shower (if it's a day when Jeremy is gone all day - thank you, God, for summer break! So nice to have him home Tues. and Thurs. mornings...and all day Friday). For this to work, I have to put him in the exersaucer long enough to get a shower, then once I'm out, he's ready to get out of it. So, he sits on the floor in our room and plays/explores (supervised of course!) while I get ready.
2:00 - 3:30 or 4:00: nap time. I lay down with him until he falls asleep (I know....I need to break this habit, but really....it's just me and him here all the time....and it works for him. But we'll have to change this once day care comes into the picture). I either use this time to quickly check email again (to find no job prospects), do some light cleaning, pick up toys, maybe watch a movie (with captioning....haha....our tvs have the captioning on all over the house), read, etc. I have been known to indulge in a little nap of my own as well....
4:00 - 5:30: More play time. We may run errands during this time or take a bath (if we just need to change it up), got get the mail, check on the garden outside, clean up, definitely get some more play time in. Around 4:30, he gets his 3rd bottle of the day (6 ounces...might drink it all).
5:30 - 6:00: Dinner time. An orange veggie and a fruit or yogurt. I've tried him on the stage 3 veggies, but he does not handle the texture/chunks well. So, we're still on stage 2 for the most part. He actually prefers whole, solid foods. So, I have been cooking him carrots until they are super soft and slicing them. He loves it! I cooked a sweet potato the other day and just scooped the inside out, mashed it up, and served. He loved that, too. So, maybe he just wants to skip the 3rd stage and move to the 4th. He still only has 2 little teeth (the top ones look close to coming in!!), but he's learned how to use those jaws!
6:00 - 7:30: This is when we may venture out (with Daddy) to run errands, go to a softball game, go out to dinner with grandparents/friends/just us. If we're home, Collen plays while we eat our dinner. And we usually end up on the floor with him and just play and play. :) This is also the typical time frame for bath time and the nighttime/before-bed routine.
7:30: He starts winding down. We brush his teeth, get his pjs on, and then it's me and him in the recliner for a story, a bottle, and a little rocking. I've been reading the Little Boys Bible Story Book for Moms and Sons to him. So, we read a bible story - he usually points at the pictures. Then he gets his last bottle for the day (6-8 ounces - usually takes it all...especially if he's super sleepy). I give him his paci, snuggle him all I can, we say our good nights, and then I put him down in his crib (awake). We recently got him one of those baby aquariums, and he LOVES it. It has really helped him self-soothe to get to sleep. I usually stay with him until he seems drowsy enough....he likes for me to hold his hand, stroke his face and hair, and rub his belly. Lately, though, I've just stood by his crib while he watches the aquarium and drifts off the sleep. Really...that thing works for us! Typically, he's asleep within 5 minutes of putting him down.
8:00 pm - 6:15 am: Sleeps, tosses, turns, wakes up between 1-5 times during the night. I think his top teeth are bothering him right now; he cried out in his sleep about 4 times last night, but went right back to sleep. Last week, he only woke up once a night. This week....about 3-5. So, I'm thinking we'll be seeing teeth soon. :)
-- During this time of night, Jeremy and I can be found cleaning, straightening, washing bottles, putting up dishes and laundry, catching up on facebook/news/emails/football stuff (J...not me..haha), and some nights we'll watch a movie. This is also when we're able to catch up with each other - talk about our days and such. I usually don't go to bed until midnight (why I said I must go to bed earlier). Before bed, I read for about an hour....then drift off to sleep....and wake up whenever Collen needs to be soothed.
That's a typical day for us. Pretty boring, but I'll take boring any day!
What are you reading?
About 2 weeks ago, I decided to take on the monumental - but rewarding - task of reading through the Bible. From Genesis to Revelation. I realized....here I am... 28 years old and I have never read the entire Bible! Sad....such a shame. All I have ever known of the Old Testament has been what I learned in Sunday school or what I have read in a sermon on Sunday mornings. I had never actually read it and studied it for myself.
So, I began to read. I was ( and still am) so motivated and excited to read God's word! Even the begats....and all those measurements for the ark, table, altar, lamp stand, and tabernacle.....and priest garments. Whew...just got through all of that 2 nights ago. I am into Leviticus now, so I am reading about what kind of offering to give for sins. It is really interesting....and a bit repetitive at times. But I am approaching it with the spirit of excitement and learning.
At the same time, I am also reading The Color Purple. The English teacher in me had been craving some literature, and I had just watched the last episode of Oprah ( if I had been alone, I would have been boo-hooing!) and I realized I had never read The Color Purple! So...I took on that task as well. So far, it is an interesting read.....very interesting.
I am so excited about reading through the Bible! It's definitely a goal I know I will accomplish!
What are you reading?
So, I began to read. I was ( and still am) so motivated and excited to read God's word! Even the begats....and all those measurements for the ark, table, altar, lamp stand, and tabernacle.....and priest garments. Whew...just got through all of that 2 nights ago. I am into Leviticus now, so I am reading about what kind of offering to give for sins. It is really interesting....and a bit repetitive at times. But I am approaching it with the spirit of excitement and learning.
At the same time, I am also reading The Color Purple. The English teacher in me had been craving some literature, and I had just watched the last episode of Oprah ( if I had been alone, I would have been boo-hooing!) and I realized I had never read The Color Purple! So...I took on that task as well. So far, it is an interesting read.....very interesting.
I am so excited about reading through the Bible! It's definitely a goal I know I will accomplish!
What are you reading?
Randoms...
Not much going on around here this week. The drama for the week was taken care of with Collen's imitation of monkeys jumping off the bed on Monday. He is doing just fine and is acting like his same silly self. The little bruise on his face started fading Monday night and today you can hardly see it. So, so thankful that it wasn't any worse than that.
This week, my focus has been job hunting....again. I've sent about 25+ emails out to principals and such...expressing my interest in a job...any job...I'm capable of doing pretty much whatever they need. At this point, I'd teach Math if they'd let me (they'd have to be as desperate as I am....). Out of the 25-30 emails I sent, 2 people have responded - both with, "Thank you, but at this time we do not have a position available, but we will keep your information on file." Hey...at least they responded. There are a few positions I feel good about, but the outlook is grim around here for teachers. It's sad.
With the budget cuts going on, I'm hoping and praying to find something. I'm trying not to worry, but it's tough when I'm looking at our savings dropping every month....and that's our supplemental income. After it's gone....I don't even want to think about it. That's why I have to find a job. We have enough to make it to September...maybe October. I'm trusting that God is going to handle it. He has the right place chosen for me....He just has to work out the timing. I'm not above looking for a part time job, but I really want to get back into teaching or using my masters and working as a school librarian. As teachers, we need all the income we can get. Collen's insurance will change in August, so that's going to be extra money we'll have to find from somewhere, and with him getting older we could use the extra money.
On a happier note, Collen has officially spoken his first word. You all heard it with the "Momma" videos, but he is now...for real...saying Momma and associating it with me. And you have no idea how happy this Momma is to be hearing that little word coming out of his mouth! It melts my heart. Now we have to work on Da Da.
We planted a garden a few weeks ago. It's actually growing really well! It has been HOT here this week. Upper 90s all week long. I don't do hot very well. I'm not a summer girl. I don't like summer wardrobe. I'd much rather be in jeans and nice, comfy sweater than covers all the lumps and bumps motherhood has provided me. I hang out in a lot of dresses and skirts...sometimes capris. No shorts for me. And I don't do tank tops....and rarely a lot of t-shirts. I'm already wishing for fall.
Football has started up for Jeremy...summer work outs and practices. This means our schedule is flip-flopped. He is here during the day (most days) and then at school in the evenings. Not sure how supper is going to go...I don't like cooking for one, but I'm trying to stay motivated with the idea of left-overs. He does have Fridays off, which is great. It has taken some getting used to have him here during the day instead of later in the evenings, but Collen sure does enjoy it. My mom has been here with me this week, so we've enjoyed ourselves. I hope she'll make it common occurence!
I met a blog reader today - at Target. Isn't there where you normally see people who you know/who know you? Always nice to meet someone who is praying for us and reading about our ordinary )well...not-so-ordinary if you think about it) little life.
That's about it. Been a pretty quiet week. Please, please pray that something comes along on the job front. Pray that I'll leave it to God and trust Him to work it out. I tend to stress out....and I can feel it coming. Just trying to pray against it. Hope you are all having a great week. Friday is almost here!
This week, my focus has been job hunting....again. I've sent about 25+ emails out to principals and such...expressing my interest in a job...any job...I'm capable of doing pretty much whatever they need. At this point, I'd teach Math if they'd let me (they'd have to be as desperate as I am....). Out of the 25-30 emails I sent, 2 people have responded - both with, "Thank you, but at this time we do not have a position available, but we will keep your information on file." Hey...at least they responded. There are a few positions I feel good about, but the outlook is grim around here for teachers. It's sad.
With the budget cuts going on, I'm hoping and praying to find something. I'm trying not to worry, but it's tough when I'm looking at our savings dropping every month....and that's our supplemental income. After it's gone....I don't even want to think about it. That's why I have to find a job. We have enough to make it to September...maybe October. I'm trusting that God is going to handle it. He has the right place chosen for me....He just has to work out the timing. I'm not above looking for a part time job, but I really want to get back into teaching or using my masters and working as a school librarian. As teachers, we need all the income we can get. Collen's insurance will change in August, so that's going to be extra money we'll have to find from somewhere, and with him getting older we could use the extra money.
On a happier note, Collen has officially spoken his first word. You all heard it with the "Momma" videos, but he is now...for real...saying Momma and associating it with me. And you have no idea how happy this Momma is to be hearing that little word coming out of his mouth! It melts my heart. Now we have to work on Da Da.
We planted a garden a few weeks ago. It's actually growing really well! It has been HOT here this week. Upper 90s all week long. I don't do hot very well. I'm not a summer girl. I don't like summer wardrobe. I'd much rather be in jeans and nice, comfy sweater than covers all the lumps and bumps motherhood has provided me. I hang out in a lot of dresses and skirts...sometimes capris. No shorts for me. And I don't do tank tops....and rarely a lot of t-shirts. I'm already wishing for fall.
Football has started up for Jeremy...summer work outs and practices. This means our schedule is flip-flopped. He is here during the day (most days) and then at school in the evenings. Not sure how supper is going to go...I don't like cooking for one, but I'm trying to stay motivated with the idea of left-overs. He does have Fridays off, which is great. It has taken some getting used to have him here during the day instead of later in the evenings, but Collen sure does enjoy it. My mom has been here with me this week, so we've enjoyed ourselves. I hope she'll make it common occurence!
I met a blog reader today - at Target. Isn't there where you normally see people who you know/who know you? Always nice to meet someone who is praying for us and reading about our ordinary )well...not-so-ordinary if you think about it) little life.
That's about it. Been a pretty quiet week. Please, please pray that something comes along on the job front. Pray that I'll leave it to God and trust Him to work it out. I tend to stress out....and I can feel it coming. Just trying to pray against it. Hope you are all having a great week. Friday is almost here!
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