Lately, I have been aching for time to just sit...relax...not have to think about all the stuff that needs to be done...and how little time I have for it all.

I hate getting so lost in the "now" and only being able to focus on a few things at a time. Being a mom who has lost a child, it makes me feel like I'm cheating Ayden every second that he isn't at the front of my mind. I get so wrapped up in Collen. And although Collen is our only living child at the moment, he is still our 2nd child, and Ayden will always be our first...always be included in our line-up of kids. He is never forgotten. Although he isn't here physically, he still fights for attention with his brother. I hope that makes sense to say it like that, but in my mind, I battle with giving each of them equal time in my heart and in my mind. And now, with a third on the way, whew...I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I think of Ayden every single day. Multiple times a day. There isn't a day that goes by that my heart doesn't ache for him. And almost 3 years later, I'm realizing that isn't going to change, and I'm glad. He deserves a place in our family just as Collen and this new baby do. Collen loves to look at Ayden's pictures on the wall (we haven't pulled out photo albums, yet. Can't bring myself to let him get his hands on those just yet), and he will point out "Ain" (how he says Ayden) and say, "baby." It's still hard for me. Jeremy talks to him more about Ayden. I can't get the words out without choking up. I just miss him so, so much. And I feel guilty when our lives get so busy that he isn't included in the hustle and bustle of things. I realize that's the reality of having a child who has passed away. Life moves forward....we get busy....new children are born...new connections formed. But...there is always that constant battle of the heart...being pulled in two directions....being pulled between here, with the people of our present lives, and "there" - with those who have gone on before us. With my other child, my first born, who will always be the "baby" to his siblings, but cherished as so much more in my heart. The hustle and bustle feels even more dizzying and chaotic when you throw in the rest. I guess because you never feel balanced. Even when you do find that moment of rest....the balance is never fully there.

I have to remind myself to slow down...let some things go undone. Look at how blessed I am and have been. And look to the future I will have....the balance that will come...when we're all together again.

I told Jeremy the other morning that when I was on my way to drop Collen off before heading to work, I was certain I was about to witness the rapture. Hey, He said to ask for the desires of our hearts. My greatest desire is for that glorious reunion, and I ask for it all the time!! As I was driving, the sky all of a sudden (within a matter of a second...not kidding) when from dark and gray to bright and unusally light for that time of morning. It just so happened that I was sitting at the stop light across from the memorial park where Ayden's spot is. I thought, "Oh, this is it!! I'm going to get to see it!! "The dead in Christ shall rise." I'm going to witness Ayden going before us!!" I sat and watched, traffic moved and I drove, but I kept my eyes on his spot and the sky." Well, obviously....it didn't happen. The hope of that moment and the reminder of our future in Christ was reassuring (but I can't lie....a little disappointing, too, because I was so ready!!)

I'm determined to slow things down, spend more time giving thanks for my blessings, and continue to remember this sweet little boy and the light and joy he continues to bring to our lives even now:


  1. My step son knows about his first brother who passed away from SIDS. As he, his father and I were talking about his brother, he asked why some babies die in their sleep. It was the hardest question we've had to answer. Because we don't know why and a child won't understand why. And not knowing what to say and bringing up those memories were tough.

  2. I so completely understand your long for that day when we shall see our babies once again. Lately it seems that all of my focus, all that I do it just filling the time until that day. Can't wait.

  3. next week, my second born would have turned 11. no, the ache never goes away it only changes form from time to time. it is precious to me that all of my children speak of and love all of their siblings. 4 in heaven, 5 on earth. their love for each other has become balm to my heart as they have gotten old enough to really talk to me.... their love for each other is so very real....

    i too am so ready for heaven. earth is just my waiting room :)

  4. Oh...that video.

    So, so precious.

    I get you. It breaks my heart too...that Matthew will forever be frozen in time to our children, but to us...so much more. I know it's that way because we are parents, and they are siblings, and I know that's the way it works. But it still hurts.

    Sending you love friend. Hope the glucose testing went well!!

  5. I can totally relate to what you write. Except the baby we lost is our middle child. I constantly struggle with those same feelings and inability to balance it all.

    The video is priceless. What a gift you were able to capture those moments. My son is almost the same age as Ayden in the video I think (4 months?) and it tugged at my heart to think of losing him. And I have not been able to get a video of him laughing because he stops when I get the camera out. I'm so glad you were able to get a video of your precious Ayden.

  6. I know how you feel. I feel the same way about Grayson.
    Thinking of you, Kelley

  7. Hi I found your blog from safe in heaven. I just read Ayden's story I am so sorry, I can't imagine your pain I recently said goodbye to my Jonathan born at 20 weeks. I think great loss dose make us long for heaven more. I tell my husband all the time I just wish Jesus WOULD RETURN! Saying a prayer for you and your sweet family