Lately, I have been aching for time to just sit...relax...not have to think about all the stuff that needs to be done...and how little time I have for it all.
I hate getting so lost in the "now" and only being able to focus on a few things at a time. Being a mom who has lost a child, it makes me feel like I'm cheating Ayden every second that he isn't at the front of my mind. I get so wrapped up in Collen. And although Collen is our only living child at the moment, he is still our 2nd child, and Ayden will always be our first...always be included in our line-up of kids. He is never forgotten. Although he isn't here physically, he still fights for attention with his brother. I hope that makes sense to say it like that, but in my mind, I battle with giving each of them equal time in my heart and in my mind. And now, with a third on the way, whew...I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
I think of Ayden every single day. Multiple times a day. There isn't a day that goes by that my heart doesn't ache for him. And almost 3 years later, I'm realizing that isn't going to change, and I'm glad. He deserves a place in our family just as Collen and this new baby do. Collen loves to look at Ayden's pictures on the wall (we haven't pulled out photo albums, yet. Can't bring myself to let him get his hands on those just yet), and he will point out "Ain" (how he says Ayden) and say, "baby." It's still hard for me. Jeremy talks to him more about Ayden. I can't get the words out without choking up. I just miss him so, so much. And I feel guilty when our lives get so busy that he isn't included in the hustle and bustle of things. I realize that's the reality of having a child who has passed away. Life moves forward....we get busy....new children are born...new connections formed. But...there is always that constant battle of the heart...being pulled in two directions....being pulled between here, with the people of our present lives, and "there" - with those who have gone on before us. With my other child, my first born, who will always be the "baby" to his siblings, but cherished as so much more in my heart. The hustle and bustle feels even more dizzying and chaotic when you throw in the rest. I guess because you never feel balanced. Even when you do find that moment of rest....the balance is never fully there.
I have to remind myself to slow down...let some things go undone. Look at how blessed I am and have been. And look to the future I will have....the balance that will come...when we're all together again.
I told Jeremy the other morning that when I was on my way to drop Collen off before heading to work, I was certain I was about to witness the rapture. Hey, He said to ask for the desires of our hearts. My greatest desire is for that glorious reunion, and I ask for it all the time!! As I was driving, the sky all of a sudden (within a matter of a second...not kidding) when from dark and gray to bright and unusally light for that time of morning. It just so happened that I was sitting at the stop light across from the memorial park where Ayden's spot is. I thought, "Oh, this is it!! I'm going to get to see it!! "The dead in Christ shall rise." I'm going to witness Ayden going before us!!" I sat and watched, traffic moved and I drove, but I kept my eyes on his spot and the sky." Well, obviously....it didn't happen. The hope of that moment and the reminder of our future in Christ was reassuring (but I can't lie....a little disappointing, too, because I was so ready!!)
I'm determined to slow things down, spend more time giving thanks for my blessings, and continue to remember this sweet little boy and the light and joy he continues to bring to our lives even now: