For Better or Worse

6 years ago - June 13, 2003
Engagement photo

They look so happy...so hopeful. A lifetime ahead of them full of wonderful memories to be made.

Who knew they would be where they are today?

God knew they would need each other, especially now. He knew Ayden would be loved beyond measure by these two, so He sent Ayden to them knowing the heartache they would endure. It took them by suprise, but He knew; it was in His plan.

They don't understand His plan, nor do they particularly like what life has brought their way right now. But they are resolved to glorify God....even now. You ask why? how? for what reason?

Because even in the hard times, HE never forsakes us. Because HIS promise is greater than anything this world has to offer. Because HE saw fit to give them a beautiful son and HE saw fit to take him back before they were ready. Because HE has shown grace even in the midst of turmoil and anguish. Because HE understands their pain and His heart breaks along with theirs. Because HIS word promises no more sorrow, tears, pain.....

....and that they will see their beautiful little boy again.


What better hope and assurance is there?

The comforters....

The moment we lost Ayden, we were crushed and broken. We felt helpless and hopeless. How do we make arrangements for a funeral service? He's 4 months old. "This isn't really happening. It's not real. He'll be back with us tomorrow." The despairing moments following all of this led to my need to be with people who brought me comfort. One would probably guess those people would be family. Yes, to a degree. My family brings my great comfort. However, others came to mind....people who popped into (and still do) mind as sources of comfort. It is b izzare that these some of these people have been sources of comfort in the tough times....some of them don't live nearby and I haven't seen them in years.

1. My Midwife, De Ette - the moment we came back into the family waiting room, I felt an overwhelming need to see her. I have no idea why. We don't know each other well (working on that one), we only had a few pre-natal appointments together. Why would I need her? She birthed my child. The child who is no longer here in spirit. My only child; my precious, beautiful son. She was with me through life's most vulnerable experience. She coached me through and encouraged me. I need her at times to encourage me now.

2. My cousin, Jeannie - Upon entering the family room, Jeannie called me in tears wanting to know what happened. We talked and cried and she prayed. She asked me what she could do. I told her to come and be with me was all I needed. This is a big request - she has 3 kids at home, one on the way, and a job. But she came. Jeannie is my 2nd sister, or I at least like to think of her that way. She said Ayden was more like her nephew than her cousin because she and I have always been like sisters. I'm so glad she got to meet and hold her "nephew" and see me as a mommy. She has always been a source of comfort and strength for me. She came and helped me so much. She continues to help me.

3. Jennifer Hayes - my former youth pastor's wife. Jennifer's face keeps popping into my mind throughout all of this. She isn't able to be here because she lives in Oklahoma. I haven't seen or spoken to her in years. However, her face continues to come to mind, and thinking of her brings me comfort. She is such a compassionate person, and I know that she is feeling this pain with me because she cares so much. Jennifer and her husband, Ronnie, have been constant sources of encouragement and inspiration throughout my life. I love them so much, and I know they feel the same for me. Which means that I also know the depth of sorrow they feel for us.

4. My students - certain faces pass through my mind from time to time: Kasey, Jessica, Whitney, Jeffrey, Melodie, Adam, Goose, Samantha, Hannah, Coressa, Casey, Katie, Abby, Moey, Caylene, Brittany, Chelsea, Sarah, and the list could go on and on....

When I see their faces, I see the kids who have shown such compassion.....when they could have just walked away. They could have easily all signed a card and mailed it to me and that be it. Nope. They took the initiative to make ribbons, promote awareness, show pictures of my beautiful boy, organize a school wide effort to show their support, organize a candlelight vigil in our honor, get t-shirts made in honor of Ayden (if you want one, we can get more), put up a butterfly board in honor of Ayden (the butterflies will later be placed on a Christmas tree at the Greenville Convention Center), and have continued to show their support for us as we are going through this. Teenagers are not known for selflessness; they get a bad wrap at times....an unfair stereotype. These kids prove it all wrong any day!


I have found comfort in the expected people....Jeremy, family, church family, friends, co-workers. However, the above four are the strange exception. They run through my mind often, usually when I'm having a rough moment in my day. At that moment, I see one of the faces, and comfort eases in. I hope all of this didn't sound too weird. But we all need people around us who bring us comfort during difficult times. I'm so thankful for such people. My friends - Candi and Amber - keep up with me and are sure to check in on me often. I can vent and rant to them and they listen and offer encouragement as needed. My sister gets me out of the house on her days off. It's so nice to know I can rely on her to help make things a little easier. She doesn't give herself credit for anything, but I will - she is an awesome sister and one of my best friends. She would do anything in the world for me, and I for her. Her compassion is evident, and I'm so thankful for her. She is hurting too, and at times I have to remind myself of that. She needs comfort too.

You would be amazed at the people who pop into your mind when you go through a tragic event in your life. Let those people encourage you, and grow from the wisdom they provide. It's no accident that they are placed in your life. Lean on them, and let them be there for you whether it is in body or in spirit through prayer. Your loved ones want to help in anyway they can. Let them. It will begin the healing process for all of you.

Beautiful

Ayden's Flower

I came across this blog, Say It With Flowers, not long after Ayden went to Heaven. I thought it was such an amazing outreach to families who have lost children. I immediately requested a flower for Ayden. Today, Ayden's flower was emailed to me. I chose a gerber daisy because it was the type of flower, along with sunflowers, we used at his service. I didn't want the typical because Ayden isn't typical. So, we chose vibrant flowers - sunflowers, gerber daisies, anything bright! And I said a big NO to blue flowers....thank God there weren't any. (you know, the fake-looking blue flowers that oftentimes come by the hundreds at services?) I wanted the flowers to reflect Ayden's life - bright, vibrant, a shining light.

If you click on the above link, you will see Ayden's flower along with several others. His is the third flower. I hope to receive the JPEG soon so I can have it printed and framed.

I know I've been kind of absent lately. My mind has been muddled recently, overcome really.... And it has been difficult for me to put all of it into words, so I've remained silent until it all comes together. I'm beginning to make sense of it all, though, so I will be posting soon. I'm not one who writes for the sake of writing. I used to write poetry a lot, but I could never write poems on command (which is why I struggled a lot in English class when it came to the poetry units....). My grandma asked me to write a poem for her after my grandfather died, but she quickly learned that it isn't that easy for me.....it had to come to me....and it did, a month later. Ayden isn't difficult to write about, though, so you won't have to wait a month to hear from me again. Grief is hard to process; it changes minute by minute. I can be smiling and laughing and then the next minute be overcome with emotion. That aspect of it all is what's hard to write about.

Thanks for continuing to join me on my journey - one of ranting, raging, crying, listening, despairing, hoping, wishing, and all out grieving. I'm comforted to know that grief is not of God's design....He desperately wants to take it away. I look forward to the day when sorrow and tears are no more....