October 15th

A year ago today, Jeremy and I were standing on stage in my school's auditorium. One of my students had organized a candle-lighting ceremony in honor of Ayden and the many other (too many) babies who were taken too soon.



You can read my post from a year ago here

T-shirts were made...

Butterflies were created and sold as fundraiser for First Candle. I now have all of these butterflies in a scrapbook, made by the student who organized the candlelight vigil. I will forever cherish these butterflies because they were made with such love and care for us.

And candles were lit in the courtyard outside of the school.

Today is a national day of rememberance. Tonight, at 7pm, light a candle in memory of our babies who were taken too soon. Whether by miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, genetic disorder....our babies deserve to be remembered. Please join us in lighting a candle and saying a prayer or just remembering the babies in your lives who have gone before us.

We love you, Ayden. We miss you every second of every day. You are forever in our hearts, and one day, you will be back in our arms again. We long for that day with such intensity! Thank you for blessing our lives like we could have never imagined!

Oh, how I miss that sweet face looking back at me....

Collen - Week 7

I can hardly believe Collen is 7 weeks old! Really....where in the world does the time go?

Collen is growing by leaps and bounds! For the first two weeks, I was concerned that he was going to be on the smaller side....slow to gain weight (not that there is anything wrong with that...but we make big babies...so I expected him to plump up!). Well, for the first 2-3 weeks he was busy getting back to his birth weight. Once he got back to his birth weight, he just kept packing them on! He is one chunky 7 week old.

For some odd reason, I was under the misconception that breastfed babies were naturally smaller...less chunky. However, I'm learning that that was some lie that somehow infiltrated my mind! At his one month appointment, he was nearly 11 pounds, so I'm guessing we are closing in on 12-13 pounds by now. He has the cutest little tubby belly, and it is oh-so kissably sweet! He also has some rather chunky thighs, which are just too adorable.

He is really starting to show his little personality. He wants to coo so badly. He'll get his mouth in the cooing position, but he can't quite figure out how to make it work. I think by next week we'll be hearing some cooing. He is, however, mastering the squeal! He is in his best mood in the morning when he wakes up. He will smile and smile and smile! If you get him excited enough (a fair amount of baby talk is needed to accomplish this), he will let out the cutest squeal! And then he'll look surprised because he doesn't realize he made that sound. :)

Collen is becoming more aware of his hands, and he will bring them to his mouth. He will also bring his hands together at his chest. When we lay him down, he will kick, kick, kick those legs! And when he gets sleepy, he will rub his little eyes. So, he's definitely where he should be developmentally.

He's obviously eating well, so nursing is going wonderfully! For the first 2-4 weeks, I would say, at least once a day, that was going to quit. But I forged ahead, every day being the day that would be my last. When I hit 4 weeks, I couldn't believe I had lasted that long. By 5 weeks, it had become much easier, didn't hurt anymore, and had become less of a burden (yes, I said burden. Breastfeeding is confining, and I'm used to being on the go, so it was pretty cumbersome going from being able to go, go, go to having to constantly be a food source.). Now, at 7 weeks, it is going very well, and we're both having a positive experience with it. I actually dread the day when I have to eventually give it up; it's definitely been a bonding experience. I'll miss it.

Here are some pictures of Collen from the past couple weeks. I have to get better about taking pictures....and especially capturing videos. I promise to be better!

This is part of our nightly bedtime routine. Put a disposable diaper on, get the apnea monitor on, then the pjs.

Gushing at his mommy :)

Waiting for pjs

Collen showing off his gdiaper. Now that we're settled, I'm using cloth(ish) diapers. We got a lot of g-refills (disposable liners) at our showers, and he is about to outgrow the smalls, so I'm using the disposables while he can still wear them. I've used one of the cloth inserts, and I prefer the cloth to the disposable. I'm really enjoying them and not having to buy diapers!

Look at those pudgy legs! He is so handsome :)

We're coming up on 2 months. Aaahh...time...slow down!

Finding Grace in the Lowes checkout line

This morning, Collen and I were up and going earlier than usual. I'm ashamed to say that I do stay in the bed until he "get's up" for the day ("get's up" meaning...finishes his 2nd morning nap. Hey...the kid's naps last anywhere from 1-3 hours; I'm taking advantage now!). Usually, we're up anywhere between 9 and 10:30. This morning, though, we had to meet up with Jeremy so I could take him some shorts he had forgotten. I had to meet him by a specific time, so I thought to myself, "Do I just put Collen in the carseat in his pajamas and drive there unshowered, hair pulled up, in my pajamas?" OR "Do I feed Collen now, get a shower, fix my hair, put makeup on, put on normal clothes, and run some errands while we're out?" Considering the fact that I have been sick these past few days, I was impressed that I was able to pull it together and opt for running errands. Collen was such a trooper. Here is a rundown of what we did:

1. Met up with Daddy (the highlight of our day)
2. Drove back to Greenville
3. Went to the Pottery to look for a freestanding pantry (gosh, those things are hard to find!) Didn't walk away empty-handed; bought some fall flowers for Ayden's spot, bought a beautiful (and very reasonably priced) lantern and wreath for our dining table), and a candle for the lantern (which turned out to be too big!)
4. Went to the memorial park to visit Ayden's spot. Had to feed Collen there; it was very peaceful and quiet just sitting in the car...me and Collen...such a calming essence about that place.
5. Went out to Ayden's spot to switch out his arrangement. It was surreal to be there with Collen. The last time I visited, I was pregnant, and the thought of Collen actually being here with us was still unreal. I took him out of the stroller so he could sit with me by Ayden's spot, and I talked to him about his big brother. He sat and looked at me, listening, and looking at the flowers. It was a sweet, but very sad, moment.
6. We went to Lowes to look, yet again, for freestanding pantry...couldn't find one. But did find a curtain for our bathroom and 2 mum baskets.
7. Went home to find Aunt Megan waiting for us. It was time for Collen to eat again, so he ate and we watched (but didn't finish) Beauty and the Beast.


Now, I get to the topic of this post....


I had headed outside at Lowes to look at their mum selection. It took all I had not to buy the HUGE mum basket. It was absolutely gorgeous, but I was not about to spend $20 on flowers that are sure to die once they came home with me. I finally settled on 2 smaller baskets for our front steps. As I was going through the checkout, the lady behind the counter came around to ooh and aahh over Collen. She asked the usual questions and made the usual comments, "How old is he?" "He is beautiful!" Then, she said, "Makes you want to have another doesn't it?" I laughed. 2 babies/births/pregnancies in 2 years has been taxing on my body. I'm only 27, but I feel like I'm 60. I answered, "Not anytime soon, but someday." She then asked the not-so-common question - "Do you have any other children?" When I was pregnant, I was used to answering, "Is this your first?" Now, I'm faced with, "Is this your only?" So, I went with my heart and said, "We did, but our first passed away when he was four months old." Most people leave it at that, embarassed that they asked and received a complicated answer. This woman, though, went on to ask, "What happened?" So, I gave her our most simple answer, "He went to sleep and didn't wake up. We don't know what happened."

Then, Grace stepped in....

She looked at me and said, "That happened to my first, too. My daughter was 9 months old."

In that instant, we were no longer strangers.

I looked at her and said, "So you understand."

She said, "Yes. You probably never let him out of your sight, do you?" "And you won't let anyone else keep him."

She got it. She knew the fear and anxiety that I was/am feeling every moment of every day. She knew all of the questions that enter my mind. She knew what it meant to feel pain and joy at the same time.

We talked a little bit more. The conversation lasted all of 4 minutes, but in 4 minutes, I made a connection with someone I had never met before, and I left feeling less alone in my grief. As I was leaving, she reached over and touched my hand and said, "I will keep you in my prayers."

God placed her in my path today. I left Ayden's spot struggling with having two children but only one here in my arms. I left feeling alone in this because our situation is not the norm. Meeting this lady at Lowes made me feel less alone and a lot more hopeful. She had gone on to have two more daughters, and although life has moved forward, I could see that she still aches for her first child and hurts over her loss. Her first daughter is still very much with her; she isn't forgotten.

I walked away wanting to turn around and ask this woman if she wanted to go have coffee sometime. I didn't want her to think I was crazy. But....I just might seek her out again.

You never know when God is going to step in....

Without Him

As we moved into our new house, people were moving stuff everywhere! Everywhere I turned, there were more boxes and more stuff. I had no idea how we were going to even begin to find a place for it all.

So far, our room is pretty much set up. The living room is getting there. We're having spacial issues in there, so we're trying to figure out how to make our furniture work with the space. The kitchen is a work in progress. We had a pretty spacious pantry in our old house. We don't have a pantry in this house, which is presenting some issues. I have some ideas, though....

The guest bedroom and Collen's room are both still a mess. There is a path to the changing table in Collen's room, but that's about it. He sleeps in our room, though, so the only reason we have for going into his room right now is to get clothes for him. His room is the next one I will tackle....probably tomorrow.

Anyway, as I was looking around at all of the boxes....all of our belongings....I became overwhelmed with sadness. Because, here we were, moving into a new house.....making a new start...moving forward...without Ayden.

All of his stuff was in storage boxes, and I was standing there wondering what to do with it all. Both of my boys should have a room in our new house. I should be unpacking Ayden's things and setting them up for him in his big boy room. Now, I'm left wondering how I will bring myself to put some of it away into a closet somewhere. We have a trunk that a lot of the special items will go into, and for that I'm thankful, but you should never have to reduce your life with your child into a box.


I go into our nursery and it isn't Ayden's room anymore.

It was as if Ayden didn't have a place in our new house. In our old house, I could go into HIS room and feel closer to him. It was still his space...filled with his things....filled with our memories with him. Just realizing all of it made me ache all over, and I missed him more in that moment than I ever have before. I had to remove myself from the group for a few moments to just let it all out and then regain my composure.

I just miss him. And life will never be the same without him.