Without Him

As we moved into our new house, people were moving stuff everywhere! Everywhere I turned, there were more boxes and more stuff. I had no idea how we were going to even begin to find a place for it all.

So far, our room is pretty much set up. The living room is getting there. We're having spacial issues in there, so we're trying to figure out how to make our furniture work with the space. The kitchen is a work in progress. We had a pretty spacious pantry in our old house. We don't have a pantry in this house, which is presenting some issues. I have some ideas, though....

The guest bedroom and Collen's room are both still a mess. There is a path to the changing table in Collen's room, but that's about it. He sleeps in our room, though, so the only reason we have for going into his room right now is to get clothes for him. His room is the next one I will tackle....probably tomorrow.

Anyway, as I was looking around at all of the boxes....all of our belongings....I became overwhelmed with sadness. Because, here we were, moving into a new house.....making a new start...moving forward...without Ayden.

All of his stuff was in storage boxes, and I was standing there wondering what to do with it all. Both of my boys should have a room in our new house. I should be unpacking Ayden's things and setting them up for him in his big boy room. Now, I'm left wondering how I will bring myself to put some of it away into a closet somewhere. We have a trunk that a lot of the special items will go into, and for that I'm thankful, but you should never have to reduce your life with your child into a box.

I go into our nursery and it isn't Ayden's room anymore.

It was as if Ayden didn't have a place in our new house. In our old house, I could go into HIS room and feel closer to him. It was still his space...filled with his things....filled with our memories with him. Just realizing all of it made me ache all over, and I missed him more in that moment than I ever have before. I had to remove myself from the group for a few moments to just let it all out and then regain my composure.

I just miss him. And life will never be the same without him.



  1. As we box up and prepare to move, these are feelings that are coming to the surface in our home too. And it hurts. I cant even imagine what it will be like, in a month, when we are in our new home.

  2. Perhaps creating an Ayden "nook" somewhere in the house would be helpful? I know it is not the same, but of course nothing will ever be the same again. I can only imagine...

    In reference to the pantry, I CAN highly recommend a pantry unit. When we bought our current house, though we nearly doubled our square footage, the new house came without a pantry. I wasn't sure what to do! We ended up buying a pantry unit (similar to a bookcase with doors) that solved the problem 100%. Definitely something to consider if you have the space for it- they do come in varying sizes. Ours is housed in our dining room. I consider it the single best "house" purchase we made.

  3. This makes me cry & have tears in my eyes. This morning, I feel the same way about my beautiful Naomi. A video of hers popped up on my computer screen and I sat for a minute and watched it and kissed the screen. Then I had to stop it because it was just too much. I look at her little sister who is here now, 2 weeks old, and she reminds me so much of her. I think of you alot because I feel I feel the same way, when i read your posts, I cant express it as well as you do. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is surely not easy, because, I know. I know all too well. Hang in there.

  4. I stumbled on your blog recently...I can't empathize with you as I have not lost a child and can't wholly feel what you feel. However, I feel in my heart that Ayden goes with you wherever you go. He moved into that house with you and he will grow with you there and wherever else you may go. My thoughts are with you...and, on a lighter note, Happy Housewarming and congratulations!

  5. You express your emotions so clearly in words and it is an amazing gift. However, I am reduced to tears when you talk about missing sweet Ayden. I can feel your pain. Thank you for sharing and keeping Ayden in our hearts too.

    Thinking of you often xx

  6. Just got off the phone with my oldest daughter who has been trying for six years to have a baby(she decided to vent and basically take it out on me about an hour ago) and I read your post about missing Ayden so much...it literally breaks my heart into pieces that I can't help either one of you, it's SOOOOOOOO unfair and it makes me angry, sad, depressed, etc.
    Both of you are in my thoughts and especially my prayers... :)

  7. Been thinking about you guys a lot these last several days and how difficult (though exciting too) it must be...a new baby in itself is such a life change. As if you are not already, every day, adjusting to the biggest and most heartbreaking life change ever. And then you throw moving...and all the drama that's gone on with it--bless your heart. We've just been holding you close to our hearts.

    We just found out that we'll be moving back to Jacksonville next May/June for about 2 years...so, looking at some of the same feelings...and you are right--one should never have to reduce the life of one's child to a box or two. It's just so heartbreaking.

    On a positive note, though, we'll have to make some trips to Greenville so Collen and Luke can hang out some!