One of "those" days...

It's been one of those days.

If you've lost a child, you know what kind of day I mean.

It's the I miss him so much it aches and I can't even remember how to breath properly but I have to force myself to be "normal" so I can make it through the day long enough to get home and let it all out kind of days. One of those days when it's just not fair. One of those days when the "whys" resurface. My number one why question is always, "Why Ayden?" Why did it have to be Ayden? Why the one thing in this world that brought us so much joy?

I've written before about how work causes me to compartmentalize everything, and grief usually gets placed into one of the "boxes" that gets shoved to the back during the work week. When the weekends approach, I feel the box pushing itself to the front....the grief has to come out. I'm glad that I'm able to hold it in while I'm at work, but I hate it, too, because I feel like I'm putting on a front. I feel like everyone thinks I'm back to normal. I know a lot of them know better, especially the people I'm closest to, but there are days when I want to scream, "Do you realize how hard this is for me? Do you know how badly I don't want this to be my life!?" I see the looks I get....the looks of pity (mostly from students because they have no clue what to say to me. I wouldn't know what to say to me either if I was a 17 year old kid.) I want them to know that they shouldn't be afraid to talk to me.....that I'm the same person I was. But I don't want them to think I want to talk about any of this, either, because I don't. I can't let that wall down with them. All of this is very complex....and much harder than I thought it would be....even if I make it look easier than people expected.

I received an email yesterday from a fellow SIDS mom. She and another woman, whom she met because they have both shared the same loss, have a blog that they run together. Yesterday, they both posted their stories. Against my better judgement, I read them. It took me back....and the pain just shot through my heart. I remember that day every, single day. On the way to work each morning, the memories from that day run through my head, and once I reach the parking lot, I'm left sitting....focusing on breathing....telling myself to face another day. All I can see is his face....and I miss that sweet, beautiful face. I miss that smile....and oh do I miss his voice. A few minutes ago, I watched one of my favorite videos of Ayden...one where he is "talking " to Jeremy....it's one of my favorite memories of him because it's so true to his nature. Just our sweet boy....enjoying our company....telling us all about his day...and there we are just smiling, laughing, and loving every second we have been given with him. And then it was gone. Just gone.....and I'm left here weeping....trying to keep it together the best I can.

On days like today, I just need him back. I just need to hold him....see him...touch him.

I was thinking about baby #2 today (so glad we'll have a name for him/her soon) and how much joy he/she will bring to our lives. However, I don't think we'll ever be completely happy again.....not like we were. We will always miss Ayden....no matter how much time passes. I will always cry for him and ache with loss. I will always hope for the future, though....and thank God I have hope.

In moments like these, I just have to write. If I don't, I keep it all in, which means the next time it cycles around, it'll be ten times worse. I've learned that it isn't smart to compress grief. You have to let it in....let it consume you....then let it go. Then...repeat at some point in the near future. So, I hope you all don't mind if, from time-to-time, you have read my "processing posts" where I'm just trying to work my way through it all. It helps me to write it down, and I don't expect comments at all. I know you're all out there....reading and praying. (thank you for that)

As April approaches, I feel like I will have more of these days. I want the month of April to just come and go.....as quickly as possible. It's going to be a long one.