11 Months

Ayden would have been 11 months old today. I feel certain he would have already taken his first steps by now, and he would probably be saying a few words. He always amazed us at how smart he was. I know every parent thinks their child is brilliant, but as I've said many times before, he did things so much earlier than he was supposed to. We were always baffled by him and the progress in his development. I wonder if Collen will be the same way?

Today is not as hard as most would think. Every day without Ayden is a hard day. The rest of our lives will be filled with hard days. Sure, we have good days. And at this point we are having more good days than bad. But, life for us isn't going to be the "ideal" that most people expect. I realize that no one has a perfect life. We all experience loss. However, the ultimate loss is the loss of a child. I always pictured having a wonderful husband and us having the ideal life - kids, home, pets, complete happiness. And while we'll still have all those things, our happiness will be a little marred. We'll go through life rejoicing in our blessings but also feeling the loss of Ayden every day. Other people will move on....they'll think about us from time to time....they'll see us moving forward with our lives....but we'll never be the same "Lindsay and Jeremy" as we used to be.

God continues to bless us, and we are always awed by it. I think after such a loss, we felt like anything bad that could happen would happen to us. We're having to go back to square one with out faith...relearning how God's word views suffering, loss, pain, etc. Before losing Ayden, I knew that bad things happened to good people. I knew we weren't immune. I prayed over Ayden every night, and I would tell God that I knew he didn't belong to us.....that I know he could be taken at any moment, and that I knew all I could do was accept it and know that it was God's will. Those words were easier to speak when Ayden was physically there...breathing...living. Then, those words became my reality. I was left saying, "God, I did mean those words, but I didn't really think You would feel that I could live them." Now, our reality is a little more jaded. We know that at any moment, anything can happen. I know we shouldn't live in fear, but how do you not?

11 months have gone by so quickly. And next month will be one of the biggest milestones, yet. I don't even know how to prepare for that day. I imagine it won't be much different than today because as I said, every day is a hard day. It'll just be a little more sad to realize that a year ago, Ayden came into our lives and showed us the meaning of complete happiness, and unconditional love. He has changed our lives and the lives of others in so many ways. I never doubt God's purpose for Ayden's life because I've seen the fruit of it. So many people have been changed through Ayden's story - and it's all God. To see God work through such a tiny little person is so amazing....and then to know that it's our son....just humbling.



  1. Ayden will always be in your heart...I pray that Collen restores the joy in the empty parts!

    My little guy turns 3 on April 27. I will be thinking of your Ayden on that day!

    I have prayed those same prayers...and wondered if I truly meant them. I do. I know I do, but they are hard prayers. I pray that if Max isn't going to make it to heaven as an adult, that God would take him at whatever time he would make it to heaven...so hard to say, but if our children don't make it to heaven to spend eternity with Him, all is lost. You have already reached that goal with one sweet boy!

  2. Your Ayden has impacted my life, My son Omar will be 11mths on May 5th. It has really touched me because our sons are so close in age. I hold him alittle tighter each night and thank god for the moments I do have with him. Even the really late nights and early morning hours he just wants to be awake. Thank you for sharing Ayden with us I know it's not easy to tell it because it's realty what you go through each and everyday. Once I again I thank you for including me a perfect stranger into your life to meet your sweet Ayden.

  3. I'm praying for you and your faith and joy and everything to be greater than ever. Is that even possible after such a loss?

  4. I just wanted to stop by and say hello once again. I read your blog every time you post a new thought or feeling. Thank you for being honest on your journey of grief. I was surprised to find out we are due within days of each other. I am so excited for you and your family. You are in me and my husbands prayers.

    Sage's Mom,

  5. Hi Lindsay. You don't know me but I'm a friend of a friend and I just happened to wander over to your blog tonight. I just had a baby girl, Olivia, 4 weeks ago. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a baby. I just wanted you to know I'm praying for you. Ayden is lucky to have such an amazing mom and I know you'll be reunited again someday. So sorry for your loss. Love and prayers for you, Allison

  6. Thinking of you today and for the rest of my days. I am certain that Ayden and Lila are good friends up there with Jesus. My heart aches for you, but after reading through your blog I can tell you are strong and faithful. I will continue to pray for you as you build your family. Love and hugs, Carrie.