11 Months

Ayden would have been 11 months old today. I feel certain he would have already taken his first steps by now, and he would probably be saying a few words. He always amazed us at how smart he was. I know every parent thinks their child is brilliant, but as I've said many times before, he did things so much earlier than he was supposed to. We were always baffled by him and the progress in his development. I wonder if Collen will be the same way?

Today is not as hard as most would think. Every day without Ayden is a hard day. The rest of our lives will be filled with hard days. Sure, we have good days. And at this point we are having more good days than bad. But, life for us isn't going to be the "ideal" that most people expect. I realize that no one has a perfect life. We all experience loss. However, the ultimate loss is the loss of a child. I always pictured having a wonderful husband and us having the ideal life - kids, home, pets, complete happiness. And while we'll still have all those things, our happiness will be a little marred. We'll go through life rejoicing in our blessings but also feeling the loss of Ayden every day. Other people will move on....they'll think about us from time to time....they'll see us moving forward with our lives....but we'll never be the same "Lindsay and Jeremy" as we used to be.

God continues to bless us, and we are always awed by it. I think after such a loss, we felt like anything bad that could happen would happen to us. We're having to go back to square one with out faith...relearning how God's word views suffering, loss, pain, etc. Before losing Ayden, I knew that bad things happened to good people. I knew we weren't immune. I prayed over Ayden every night, and I would tell God that I knew he didn't belong to us.....that I know he could be taken at any moment, and that I knew all I could do was accept it and know that it was God's will. Those words were easier to speak when Ayden was physically there...breathing...living. Then, those words became my reality. I was left saying, "God, I did mean those words, but I didn't really think You would feel that I could live them." Now, our reality is a little more jaded. We know that at any moment, anything can happen. I know we shouldn't live in fear, but how do you not?

11 months have gone by so quickly. And next month will be one of the biggest milestones, yet. I don't even know how to prepare for that day. I imagine it won't be much different than today because as I said, every day is a hard day. It'll just be a little more sad to realize that a year ago, Ayden came into our lives and showed us the meaning of complete happiness, and unconditional love. He has changed our lives and the lives of others in so many ways. I never doubt God's purpose for Ayden's life because I've seen the fruit of it. So many people have been changed through Ayden's story - and it's all God. To see God work through such a tiny little person is so amazing....and then to know that it's our son....just humbling.