I haven't disappeared...

I'm still here....I promise. Even though I haven't been writing much lately, I've been reading up on all of the blogs I follow....and thinking of, praying for, laughing with all of you. I just haven't felt like writing lately. One, because there really isn't much going on. Two, this month is a daunting one for me.....and I don't know how to express myself in writing without being completely depressing, which I don't want to do, so I just stay silent as a favor to you and to myself. I could choose to wallow....I could choose to begin a countdown where I look back at this time last year and let you all know that "today was this many days before Ayden was born." I don't want to be that person, though. I wouldn't want Ayden to be so full of self-pity or hopelessness, nor would he want me to be. So, I'm just taking it all in and facing each day as it comes.

I knew April would be tough....for a lot of reasons. I didn't know my first "crying in public" experience would happen so early, but it did. The poor lady had no idea what she had started when she began talking to me. I was minding my business, talking to Jeremy on the phone, and she overheard me mention that I needed to go to the memorial park where Ayden's spot is (I don't want to name it here). When I got off the phone, as she rang me up, she asked if I was taking something out there for someone. Immediately, the knot formed in my throat and my chest tightened. I could only squeak out a small, "Yes." She proceeded to say, "Well that's so nice of you. That'll be good for you. It's tough to go out there alone though." At this point, there was no stopping the tears. I tried to compose myself the best I could, but she could see that I was upset. So, she changed the subject by talking to her coworker behind her about - what else? - a lady who had just "picked up a wreath for her baby...not just any baby....her first baby....and boy, any baby is special, but that first baby....." and I'm standing here ready to run because she has no idea that her change of subject is making it worse! Finally, I had paid, she gave me my receipt, and I was out the door. I got in the car and just lost it. Then,, I went to Ayden's spot and lost it some more. All I wanted to do was put a little Easter balloon at my son's resting place for him. It's the only thing I can do for him.....that's the only place I can go to "see him."

That scene has run through my mind all day, and I've kicked myself for not speaking up and sharing Ayden's story with her. I've thought about different ways I could have handled it. When she asked if I was taking something out there for someone, I could have said, "Yes, my son." Then I could have bravely told her our story and all about the sweet little boy that changed our lives in so many ways...and continues to do so. But, at that moment, I froze....and all I could feel was my heart breaking all over again. I know there's no expected way to act in these situations, but one day I hope to be able to talk about it with people, but now is obviously way too early.

(For not having much to write about, I sure am filling this post up!)

My parents came to town yesterday to work on Ayden's garden. I'm so glad they did because I wouldn't have known what to do. According to them, it wasn't a total loss. We were afraid that since our winter was so much harsher this year that a lot of the plants wouldn't come back for spring. My mom said, though, that when they got started, they were surprised to see so much green! So, my parents, along with my sister, fixed the garden up, added some spring plants, some garden stones (for a pathway...not sure what they're officially called), a bench, and sweet figurine of a mom and her infant son. I'll take a picture soon so you can all see it. It really looks great. I was going to go out there today or Monday, but I would have had to work on it alone, and me and plants just don't do well together. So, a big thank you to my parents and my sister!

Today, I spent a relaxing morning in the spa with my good friend, Lauren. We treated our pregnant selves to pedicures, and it was lovely. We'll have to do that again sometime. It was so heavenly to be pampered. I could do that every day....

After that, I ran a lot of errands, then came home to make a corn pudding for my Grandma's birthday dinner. I have to say, I did a good job on my corn pudding. I followed Jeremy's grandma's recipe....and it tasted just like hers. :) That's a huge accomplishment...let me tell ya.

My grandma turned 77 today, so we had a big birthday bash for her that included immediate family and also a lot of other family we don't get to see that often. It was nice to be back at my grandparents' house where me, my sister, and our cousins grew up. I love that we have such wonderful memories there....and also tough memories of when our grandpa got sick and then left us for Heaven. All the memories are there though....memories of spending summer days barefoot running through the freshly plowed farm land, playing in the woods, swinging on the tire swing, and so much more. We feel very blessed to have such memories. It's hard to see my grandma getting older...weaker...slower, but she still has that zest she always has had. She's a tough one, and I tell her every year that she's going to be with us for a looooong time. I think she enjoyed her birthday. She deserved a special day with her family.

This week is spring break for us. We are both in need of a break from work to just rest our minds and refresh. Then, when we return to work, we have 9 weeks left until summer break. It's crazy that the end of the school year is almost here already! I'm hoping all of my kids are going to pull through and graduate. I have a few who are questionable, so I'm hoping they can buckle down and get serious for the remainder of the semester. Working with seniors is great because they have so much they're looking forward to, and I get to see them grow so much in such a small amount of time, but it's also hard to have to be a part of taking their joy away when they find out they aren't graduating because they didn't pass my class....especially in the spring. Hopefully, though, I won't have to make that decision.

Well, there you have it.....a week's worth of thoughts in one post. Kind of random and not at all focused, but if you could see inside my mind, you'd see that that's me right now. Random and unfocused. Hence the reason for a much needed spring break.

Hope you all have a happy Easter. Please remember the reason we celebrate Easter. Through Christ we have conquered death! Through Christ we have the promise of eternal life with Him if we choose to believe in Him and live a life according to His word. His sacrifice gave us the ultimate life. I have a whole new perspective now, and I now have an even deeper appreciation for the steps He took to assure us of a life eternally spent with Him in Heaven. Because of this promise, I will see Ayden again.....to be with Jesus and Ayden....what a glorious thought.

I read Patrice's blog tonight - couldn't have said it better myself. He lives (beautiful perspective!)



  1. Thinking of you today, I think the holidays make the pain more intense and there is no way around the hole in your lives with Ayden missing. Hoping the message of Easter brought some peace: He lives.

  2. Praying for you today and all month long. :)

  3. I can't say I blame you for reacting the way you did. Sorry it happened. I know this will be a tough month, so I'll be praying for you.

    Enjoy your spring break!