It's here.....the hardest month of the year. But, now, also one of the happiest months of the year. I spend the month of August going from dread to joy, sadness to elation, devastation to excitement.
It's enough to throw your emotional and mental state completely out of wack.
Here's what this August holds for me:
1. The 2nd anniversary of Ayden's passing away
2. Facing August 25th - another 1st day of school, another day like "that" day...leaving my baby while I go to work...reliving every second of "that" day....praying I never have to repeat it. (I will be SO glad when school doesn't start on August 25th...)
3. Leaving Collen after staying home with him for a year.
4. A new job, material I've never taught before, and age group I've never taught before, a school I'm not familiar with, and new coworkers/people to get to know. Lack of comfort and familiarity...no assurance of support (yet).
5. Planning Collen's first birthday party...amidst starting a new job and trying to get organized for that.
6. Football season - a lot of time without Jeremy. And when things are changing and the routine is disrupted....all I need is stability, and it's tough without Jeremy here to hold me up and calm me down when I'm stressed.
So....August is a tough month. It's hard because I feel like I face this month as two people - part of me dreads it, the other me is so happy to see it because it marks a year with my sweet Collen!
I always said that God made this the month of Collen's birth for a reason. When I became pregnant, and I realized he would be born in August, I knew it was part of His plan. A way for me to embrace this month for the sorrow and joy it brings me all at one time. And now, facing another August 25th....another first day of school....I keep shaking my head and saying, "Ok, God. I know you wouldn't make me face this if You didn't have a purpose." I truly believe He's trying to give me a positive August 25th this year....to show me that this day will end differently. (Deep breath....at least I hope so.)
I find myself feeling very on edge lately. I know it's because of everything all happening at one time, and I know I'm not in control. I can't stop time. I can't keep August 25th from coming around on the calendar. I can feel the panic creeping in, but I push it away....it isn't going to help anything. But then I wonder....wow...I bet medication would be niiiice right now. I've actually been taking over the counter sleeping pills just help me fall asleep. If I don't....I lie there with my mind reeling....making list after list.....answer questions and talking myself out of the stress. 2 hours later, I might fall asleep. (I've always been this way....my dad would have to come comfort me in the middle of the night because I'd lay there and cry....and I didn't know why....I was just worried and anxious. I've learned how to channel it now and calm down.)
Needless to say, August is a big month for us. I'm so thrilled to celebrate Collen's FIRST birthday this month.....and remember 4 beautiful months with our sweet Ayden. But, it is certainly bittersweet to face the 25th and mark the day we had to say goodbye.
Pray for us this month. This year, especially, this is a month of huge transitions and new routines....and once we're able to get into a new routine, we'll be breathing easier.