As time continues to push us forward, our memories with Ayden remain in the past. That has been one of the cruelest parts of this loss....the fog that time brings...the memories becoming more like a dream than a reality. I find myself looking at pictures of Ayden and thinking, "He was really here. We really experienced that. We lived through tragedy. He's mine....and I held him, kissed him, love him so much." I know it's true; I have the vivid, clear memories...as if it was yesterday....but some days, he just seems so far away. And I hate that.
Nearly 2 years later, I still want my baby back. Although I've grown to accept this life as a life that I must live without my child, it doesn't mean I don't think about him, ache for him, weep for him...oh no...I think I cry harder now than the first year without him. I long to know the child who was taken from me too soon....to hear his voice just one more time...to see those bright, blue eyes..and that smile that he smiled just for me.
One day, I'll hold him in my lap forever....and I hope we can have conversations like this one again: (some people have trouble seeing this one for some reason. If you can't...I'm so sorry...)
((hugs)) this life is so cruel. we will always ache for our little boys. :'(
ReplyDeletePrayed for you today...
ReplyDeleteThat is the sweetest video. I hate the feeling that its not "real" I struggle with that emotion a lot. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss. Be happy that God has blessed you with another son, they're both adorable. Take peace in knowing that he is in paradise now.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet video. He is such a beautiful little boy and such a blessing that it hurts to know he is not here. But I know he is with God now and will someday be reunited with his momma. You have had to bear something I just don't even want to imagine. Your strength inspires me.
ReplyDeleteYou so often take words right out of my heart and head. It IS cruel...to even doubt the reality of their lives...and yet, sometimes, it is hard to remember that they really DID fill our world with nothing but them and everything we did revolved around them.
ReplyDeleteIt was just too little time...too, too little.
Thinking of you, sweet friend!
xoxo
I know its still tough - you are such a strong mom! I have to tell you, I don't even remember how I got to your blog, but I have been reading it for some time. Randomly today we tried a new church and I passed by your family and had to do a double take. Thought it would be too strange to say hey! I read your blog so I kept on going, but that goes to show how small this town is!
ReplyDeleteThank you, everyone, for your encouragement and prayers. Taking a lot of deep breaths these days and letting the tears come when they want.
ReplyDeleteKourtney - I hope you will visit again, and next time say hello!!
someone directed me to your blog. we just lost our 7 month old daughter almost 2 weeks ago. this is so terrible. but i am glad to see that you are smiling again. i hope i will too!
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