As time continues to push us forward, our memories with Ayden remain in the past. That has been one of the cruelest parts of this loss....the fog that time brings...the memories becoming more like a dream than a reality. I find myself looking at pictures of Ayden and thinking, "He was really here. We really experienced that. We lived through tragedy. He's mine....and I held him, kissed him, love him so much." I know it's true; I have the vivid, clear memories...as if it was yesterday....but some days, he just seems so far away. And I hate that.
Nearly 2 years later, I still want my baby back. Although I've grown to accept this life as a life that I must live without my child, it doesn't mean I don't think about him, ache for him, weep for him...oh no...I think I cry harder now than the first year without him. I long to know the child who was taken from me too soon....to hear his voice just one more time...to see those bright, blue eyes..and that smile that he smiled just for me.
One day, I'll hold him in my lap forever....and I hope we can have conversations like this one again: (some people have trouble seeing this one for some reason. If you can't...I'm so sorry...)