Today was the dreaded day - the day Collen and I would be separated for an entire work day.
Leading up to today, I did all that I could to ignore the fact that it was around the corner. Last week, I had some half days where I had to attend orientation, so we used that as an opportunity to get Collen used to his babysitter. Overall, he did well, but there was definitely some crying when he got dropped off and some resistance on his part. Going into today, I had a terrible feeling that it was going to just blow up....and I would have to walk away and hope that he did okay after I left. Thankfully, his babysitter is super, super patient with him and understands that this is a big transition after staying home with mommy for a year. Plus...he is hitting the height of separation anxiety - one day he'll be okay, the next....I can't be further than 2 feet from him without him losing it. I realize it's part of the age (and I'm so, so, so thankful to reach this age with him. I'll take the clinginess and getting up several times a night any day....at least I have my baby.) so I'm trying to be very patient with him and get him through this phase.
Last night, I was a nervous wreck. I was making spaghetti for some friends of ours, and I was standing there crying as I was stirring the sauce (haha....it was a sight). Luckily, I was alone for this, so no one had to witness my near breakdown. I told Jeremy that more than anything, it's fear. I'm reliving 2 years ago....to the day. We started back on the 17th. Ayden was put in day care. We had to face the transition. We had gotten adjusted and feeling good about it all......and then, the 25th. He was gone. It is more than traumatic, and I have no idea how I'm not on medication right now to calm my nerves. I'm so terrified of losing Collen. It is my ultimate fear, and I know that my heart couldn't take it again. However, my rational side keeps saying, "There's no point in living in fear. God's plan is in place, and you...His child...has to accept that He is in control." (that's hard to swallow sometimes...)
So, this morning, we tried to do everything as normal as possible. Luckily, I didn't HAVE to be at work until 8:30 (when school starts back officially, it's a bit earlier), so we took our time getting up. Jeremy and I both got up and got ready before Collen woke up. By 7:15, he was still asleep, so I had to wake him up to get him ready, give him his milk, and let him wake up a little bit. I got him to the babysitter's house by 8, and since I had some time, I stuck around for a few minutes to make sure he was comfortable. Well, we walked in....and I could tell that he immediately felt at ease. He was looking for the dog and pointing out things he remembered from last week. As soon as he hit the floor, he was crawling around, playing, looking for the dog. I was shocked. I waited until the right moment to leave - he was at the back door pointing outside for the dog, so I said "bye bye", he waved, and I know he saw me walk out - and he didn't shed one tear.
But, I did. :( I was so relieved and so thankful that he jumped right in and did so well. But my heart just hurts. I miss Ayden so much, especially on days like today when I'm remembering dropping him off and not knowing that I had so little time left. Remembering his face as I said goodbye for the last time (I can still see it so, so clearly). I keep telling God, "I can't do it again. I just can't. I won't survive it." So, I took a lot of deep breaths, and just kept moving.
Once I got to school, it was nonstop for the rest of the day. Middle school is going to be a HUGE transition for me. I'm used to the freedom of high school, and now I'm going into lining up my students, designating locker visits, taking them to lunch, etc. Wow!! Such a different world! I already love my TEAM and the grade level colleagues for the 8th grade, though, so I have a very positive outlook for this year. It's going to be a lot of work, but I'm excited about something new. I do, however, miss my AG family terribly. I miss my friends, and I miss my kids. My heart is always with my AG family.
So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your prayers. All day, I've just kept repeating, "PRAYER WORKS!!" God showed us so much grace today and brought me so much peace. What a mighty God we serve!! He bring comfort, healing, and peace in the moment when we need them the most. I pray for an even better day tomorrow.