August 25, 2011

My Dearest Ayden,

Facing today may not have seemed difficult for me on the outside looking in, but I fought back tears all day. I couldn't fight the tears, though, when I told my first group of students about you. I had looked at my watch and realized that it was only minutes from being 2 years, officially. They were touched by your story, and I was relieved to share you with them....it was a way for me to be with you today. I talked about you throughout the day, and I remembered our wonderful times together. Of course, it's difficult to face today without thinking about what happened, but I was able to focus more on our future....together. Each day that passes is a day closer to you....what comfort I find in that!!

It was so hard to go back to work today. I was missing my boys. I wanted you in my arms, and I wanted your little brother in them as well. I wish so much that I could see the two of you together. I feel robbed of so many things. I feel heartache and joy at one time, and I find myself balancing grief and happiness a lot these days. To say I miss you doesn't even touch the longing I feel for you each day. I still watch families and wonder.....what could have been? I still ache when I see a little boy the age you should be. I watch them play and giggle and being such boys....and I just miss you. I miss the future we could have had together here, but I find hope through imaging the future we will have for eternity. I constantly ask Jesus to return quickly....tomorrow would be great.

I love you more than ever. The love and adoration I have for you continues to grow with each passing day. I am so, so proud of you....my first born. I will forever acknowledge you. You made me who I am. You showed me the absolute bliss that motherhood is and the completion that exists between mother and child. I know that while you were here (and even now) I loved you recklessly....with every ounce of my being. Losing you didn't change that. I love you and you brother in that same way.....no holding back, loving you both fully and deeply. It is the most amazing thing I will ever experience.

This day will never be easy. So many people were thinking of and remembering you today. Prayers were lifted for our family. You might have heard some talk of it up there...maybe? You are so loved...it's awesome. God has touched so many lives through you, and we are so, so proud of you for that. We are probably the proudest parents a kid could ask for!

Wait for us....we will see you soon. We'll be the ones racing to get to you!

Love always,
Mommy