11 Months

Ayden would have been 11 months old today. I feel certain he would have already taken his first steps by now, and he would probably be saying a few words. He always amazed us at how smart he was. I know every parent thinks their child is brilliant, but as I've said many times before, he did things so much earlier than he was supposed to. We were always baffled by him and the progress in his development. I wonder if Collen will be the same way?

Today is not as hard as most would think. Every day without Ayden is a hard day. The rest of our lives will be filled with hard days. Sure, we have good days. And at this point we are having more good days than bad. But, life for us isn't going to be the "ideal" that most people expect. I realize that no one has a perfect life. We all experience loss. However, the ultimate loss is the loss of a child. I always pictured having a wonderful husband and us having the ideal life - kids, home, pets, complete happiness. And while we'll still have all those things, our happiness will be a little marred. We'll go through life rejoicing in our blessings but also feeling the loss of Ayden every day. Other people will move on....they'll think about us from time to time....they'll see us moving forward with our lives....but we'll never be the same "Lindsay and Jeremy" as we used to be.

God continues to bless us, and we are always awed by it. I think after such a loss, we felt like anything bad that could happen would happen to us. We're having to go back to square one with out faith...relearning how God's word views suffering, loss, pain, etc. Before losing Ayden, I knew that bad things happened to good people. I knew we weren't immune. I prayed over Ayden every night, and I would tell God that I knew he didn't belong to us.....that I know he could be taken at any moment, and that I knew all I could do was accept it and know that it was God's will. Those words were easier to speak when Ayden was physically there...breathing...living. Then, those words became my reality. I was left saying, "God, I did mean those words, but I didn't really think You would feel that I could live them." Now, our reality is a little more jaded. We know that at any moment, anything can happen. I know we shouldn't live in fear, but how do you not?

11 months have gone by so quickly. And next month will be one of the biggest milestones, yet. I don't even know how to prepare for that day. I imagine it won't be much different than today because as I said, every day is a hard day. It'll just be a little more sad to realize that a year ago, Ayden came into our lives and showed us the meaning of complete happiness, and unconditional love. He has changed our lives and the lives of others in so many ways. I never doubt God's purpose for Ayden's life because I've seen the fruit of it. So many people have been changed through Ayden's story - and it's all God. To see God work through such a tiny little person is so amazing....and then to know that it's our son....just humbling.

Collen at 17 weeks

As you can see, he was not shy at all. The last picture is actually one of the first we saw. There was no question that he is a boy.

Going to this ultrasound appointment of course took me back to Ayden's ultrasound. I watched Collen squirm around, and I was astounded at how different the two of them are. Ayden was so laid back....and he wasn't going to show us anything. He was perfectly content to just hang out and go at his own pace. Collen's pace seems to be much faster....definitely an energetic little guy.

As exciting as this is, it's very hard. It's difficult for me to imagine loving Collen with the same intensity as I love Ayden. Don't get me wrong, I already love Collen to pieces! But, I've only ever had one child....one baby...and then I had to deal with losing him. So, he is such a HUGE part of my heart...and me in general. It's just hard to balance it all....but I know I will once he's here.

A lot of people have asked if we are going to have a baby shower. Yes. Some may see that as kind of selfish, but it's different. The situation is completely different. Hand-me-downs are one thing when your family is complete....but ours is not, and the owner of those hand-me-downs is no longer here. I can't look at Ayden's things as anyone else's but his. Even the clothes he never wore.....I still see them as Ayden's...no one else's. It wouldn't be fair to Collen to put him in Ayden's clothes and to use Ayden's things because all I would see is his brother. It would just be hurtful for all of us. So, we hope to do something special with Ayden's clothes. People have mentioned doing a quilt, and I love that idea. So, we hope to do that at some point. The next hurdle will be actually changing out the nursery. I don't want to take down Ayden's things.....I don't want to box it up. I hope the house sells before we have to do that so we can have another reason for boxing it all up, and we can start fresh in a new house....in a new room.

I wish we didn't have to think about all of this.

Collen is so loved....and he is SO very wanted and adored. Thanks for sharing in our joy...grief...excitement...pain...etc. Can't wait to meet Collen and introduce him to you all soon.

"THE" news....

*Added post-post: Did I mention I got to see my midwife for the first time at her new place of work today? Well, I did. She has returned from maternity leave, and can I tell you how wonderful it was to see her?? LOVED IT! LOVED seeing her face when I turned the corner. LOVED that she was waiting anxiously when we came out of the ultrasound (you could have come in there, DeEtte....). She ruined the surprise for herself, though, by seeing the results on the chart (she didn't know they were there) before seeing me. :) I can't tell you how comforted we felt just being with her again. We love the Dr. - she's absolutely wonderful, too. She has been a source of comfort as well...so helpful...and so understanding of our paranoia and NEED for answers right away. I'm so glad I switched over to this practice (not hating on Greenville OB - still love them too!) because since it is smaller, it is more personable. More one-on-one care.....more time for conversation and "getting to know you" time. It's everything I need for this pregnancy.....and so much more. My midwife has been prohibited from taking a vacation in the month of August (well, late August....), and she had made it clear that she will be with us at the delivery at all costs. (woo!)

*HUGE SIGH* - It's safe to say today was a good day.
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I know you've all been waiting....(im)patiently. :)

Ayden has a little brother on the way. We saw Mr. Collen Brooks Jones on the ultrasound today, and he is definitely a mover and a shaker. He squirmed the entire time, but we managed to get some good shots of him. He was not shy at all - the first thing we saw was his little boy parts.

Everything checked out great....no surprises. Textbook (I love hearing that term when it refers to me medically.....textbook is great!) I'm happy with being completely normal.

I'll post the ultrasound pictures soon, but couldn't wait to let everyone know.

Please be in prayer, as usual. We are excited, but as you can imagine....another little boy will be bittersweet, but also very special. We know we make beautiful, happy, sweet boys....so we're looking forward to sharing wonderful times with Collen.

One of "those" days...

It's been one of those days.

If you've lost a child, you know what kind of day I mean.

It's the I miss him so much it aches and I can't even remember how to breath properly but I have to force myself to be "normal" so I can make it through the day long enough to get home and let it all out kind of days. One of those days when it's just not fair. One of those days when the "whys" resurface. My number one why question is always, "Why Ayden?" Why did it have to be Ayden? Why the one thing in this world that brought us so much joy?

I've written before about how work causes me to compartmentalize everything, and grief usually gets placed into one of the "boxes" that gets shoved to the back during the work week. When the weekends approach, I feel the box pushing itself to the front....the grief has to come out. I'm glad that I'm able to hold it in while I'm at work, but I hate it, too, because I feel like I'm putting on a front. I feel like everyone thinks I'm back to normal. I know a lot of them know better, especially the people I'm closest to, but there are days when I want to scream, "Do you realize how hard this is for me? Do you know how badly I don't want this to be my life!?" I see the looks I get....the looks of pity (mostly from students because they have no clue what to say to me. I wouldn't know what to say to me either if I was a 17 year old kid.) I want them to know that they shouldn't be afraid to talk to me.....that I'm the same person I was. But I don't want them to think I want to talk about any of this, either, because I don't. I can't let that wall down with them. All of this is very complex....and much harder than I thought it would be....even if I make it look easier than people expected.

I received an email yesterday from a fellow SIDS mom. She and another woman, whom she met because they have both shared the same loss, have a blog that they run together. Yesterday, they both posted their stories. Against my better judgement, I read them. It took me back....and the pain just shot through my heart. I remember that day every, single day. On the way to work each morning, the memories from that day run through my head, and once I reach the parking lot, I'm left sitting....focusing on breathing....telling myself to face another day. All I can see is his face....and I miss that sweet, beautiful face. I miss that smile....and oh do I miss his voice. A few minutes ago, I watched one of my favorite videos of Ayden...one where he is "talking " to Jeremy....it's one of my favorite memories of him because it's so true to his nature. Just our sweet boy....enjoying our company....telling us all about his day...and there we are just smiling, laughing, and loving every second we have been given with him. And then it was gone. Just gone.....and I'm left here weeping....trying to keep it together the best I can.

On days like today, I just need him back. I just need to hold him....see him...touch him.

I was thinking about baby #2 today (so glad we'll have a name for him/her soon) and how much joy he/she will bring to our lives. However, I don't think we'll ever be completely happy again.....not like we were. We will always miss Ayden....no matter how much time passes. I will always cry for him and ache with loss. I will always hope for the future, though....and thank God I have hope.

In moments like these, I just have to write. If I don't, I keep it all in, which means the next time it cycles around, it'll be ten times worse. I've learned that it isn't smart to compress grief. You have to let it in....let it consume you....then let it go. Then...repeat at some point in the near future. So, I hope you all don't mind if, from time-to-time, you have read my "processing posts" where I'm just trying to work my way through it all. It helps me to write it down, and I don't expect comments at all. I know you're all out there....reading and praying. (thank you for that)

As April approaches, I feel like I will have more of these days. I want the month of April to just come and go.....as quickly as possible. It's going to be a long one.