A darker day

You might not have known it if you had seen me today, but today....I was struggling.

Ayden's birthday is quickly approaching.

And I'm sad.

So, so very sad.

You'd think the first birthday would be the hardest, but his second is seeming to be harder. Last year was a fog. I spent the year numb and frozen in grief, just making through it each day.

Now, the grief is thawing a bit. Some days, if feels like a lifetime ago (as Jeremy stated today). Other days, it feels so close....like it was just yesterday.

I was lying in bed while Collen napped today, thinking of my Ayden. Missing him. Wishing that more than anything I could look forward to birthday hugs, singing happy birthday to him as he woke up that morning, watching him blow out his candles, seeing him open his gifts, and hearing him laugh as he played his little heart out. On Ayden's birthday, I won't have any of those things we mothers look so forward to. I will just have silence where there should be laughter. He won't be here to celebrate; and we won't celebrate as we would like to.

I was thinking about his 50th birthday (for some reason), and how I will be 76. Lord, please come before then. I really don't want to become an old lady.... And I was thinking, "How will I commemorate Ayden's birthday then? Will I send off 50 balloons?" The thought of 50 balloons and me at 76 trying to wrangle them all made me smile a little....but I thought, "How could I not STILL honor him even then. Of course I will! And maybe I'll be such a small old lady, those 50 balloons will sweep me up to heaven right then and there!" After 50 years, my heart will still be broken. I will still live life with someone missing....with a piece of me missing. Joy and happy moments will come, but they will still be experienced with a bit of sadness for the one who isn't there to share it all.

We plan to keep Ayden's birthday low key this year. Although, a facebook group has been started by one of my dear former students that has invited others to release balloons for Ayden's bithday. Such a sweet, sweet sentiment, and I love that so many have said they will be joining in! We will likely go to Ayden's spot as a family and probably some close friends, should they be able to join us, and release our balloons there this year. Or we may go to his garden again....not sure yet. I just want to spend that day together as a little family and remember our sweet boy and the joyous event that was his birth two years ago!! Was it really just 2 years ago?

I miss that little boy so much. I wish I could hug him....kiss him...snuggle him...see him smile...tell him how much this mommy loves him!

Come quickly, Lord....



  1. I saw this post, and I thought, I must read and comment. Your little boy and my sweet little girl, Naomi, both have the SAME birthday. April 27, 2009. I feel the same way as you do. I found myself getting upset and even ANGRY more this month, this past week or so and I couldn't figure out why but then it HIT me very quickly, that her would be 2nd birthday is around the corner. I still feel like it was forever ago, yet it feels like yesterday! How can that be? Last year, I had a couple close friends and family gather at a local park, my best friend made beautiful cupcakes that read Happy Birthday Naomi on them and we had some food and we talked and then we all released a balloon into the sky as the sunset. I can still see the pictures in my head. I miss her so much. I am thinking this year, I will make cupcakes (since I have gotten alot better at baking since then) and release some balloons and donate to the preeclampsia foundation as well. I think I will make that a yearly donation on her birthday. Hugs to you and I will also send a balloon up as well for your sweet little man. xoxox

  2. Thinking of you all and sending you big hugs from across the pond.

  3. i'm thinking of you. you are right, the pain will never go away. in 50 yrs we will still be heartbroken from this. and i too wish God will take me before then. for me it seems like torture to have to live 50 more yrs without my son. sending you love. i would love to find this event that was started on fb for Ayden's ballon release. do you have a link you could send me?

  4. I am with you...someone posted "Maranatha" on FB this morning and I couldn't agree more...just ready for us all to be together again. Sending you love...