Not so much going on...

Have you ever gone through the day and at the end of the day you just feel beat up....exhausted....and then you look back over the day you really didn't do so much? Or at least, it feels like you didn't do so much. That has been my whole week. I have just felt so run down and I look over my week, and it was filled with a lot of playtime and attention for/towards Collen, running a few errands, not cooking much dinner, one day of cleaning, and lots of My So Called Life watching on Netflix (Anyone else remember that show from back in the day?!).

I go to bed every night feeling so wiped out, but it doesn't seem like I did a whole lot over the course of the day. I guess a little person sure can take a lot out of you.

Oh yeah, I guess it could be that this little person doesn't sleep well at night. I seem to forget that little tidbit. Collen has slept in our bed several times this week because he just won't get settled in his crib. He'll roll to his stomach, wake up and be mad; I'll give him his paci; he'll be appeased for about 20 minutes; then he's awake and crying again. This happens over and over and over again.....and boy is it exhausting.

My days (nights, really) are about to get even busier. I've started my online tutoring, which has been pretty good so far. I went into this thinking I was supposed to be tutoring 3rd-6th graders, which I thought, "Ok....3-6 grade math....I think I can handle that. Then, at my session yesterday, I get high schoolers....math....oh, and I freaked out. At the beginning of my session, I looked over the math work, and I see dun-dun-duhhhhh.....fractions. Not my strong point.....(well, any kind of math isn't my strong point....)

So, I run to get Jeremy (who is laying down with Collen as he's napping) and terrified, I say, "HELP ME!!!" So, he came into the other room and coached me as I tutored this student. ughh....my heart was racing the entire time.

Luckily, my next session was reading and 2nd grade math. I handled that one pretty well. :)

Jeremy is making out a quiz for me as I type this.....I've been practicing and brushing up on my math since my near heart attack.

I'll be tutoring every night now. So far, I like it, but even 2 hours of tutoring is hard to juggle with everything else going on. We'll see how long it lasts. The tutoring is seasonal, so once May rolls around, it may get slow, which I will gladly welcome.

********************

We've joined a new small group, which we are really enjoying. Right now we're doing the Five Love Languages. I've always wanted to go through that study with Jeremy, so once I heard this group was doing it, we made sure we joined in. It has been really interesting. I won't share our love languages here, but I will tell you that Jeremy is good at my love language, and I'm not so good at his. So, I guess I have more homework to do. I'm so glad to be back involved in a small group....a time of fellowship. My mom comes to take care of Collen so we can go, so she gets some grandson time and we get some social time with other grown ups. :) It lasts about 2 hours, which is about as long as I can stand to be away from Collen, so it works out well.

*********************

So, see....not much going on. Just enjoying life, spending time with Collen, watching him learn new things every day, balancing Collen, housework, tutoring, and life and trying to breathe through the craziness that comes with it all. So thankful for it all!

7 months old!

Today, you're 7 months old!!

You are silly, funny, friendly, loving, smart, and happy!

You love food, but you are finicky sometimes. You aren't a fan of your bottle because it requires you to stay still for too long. You enjoy eating your baby food and practicing drinking out a cup with your sippy cup! Sometimes you even get the little bit of juice Mommy puts in there for you.

You are fascinated with animals, and you watch Tucker and Sinatra all day long. They are gentle with you, and Tucker even lets you pet him sometimes!

You are opinionated, and you can throw mini-fits at times....usually when it's time to put your clothes on. You'd much rather hang out in your diaper.

You jabber all the time. You are now saying:

-ba ba

-da da

- te te (the "t" sound)

-ch ch

-ca ca (you say this when Sinatra comes around)

-ma ma (only when you're really upset)

When we say, "Yaaay Collen!!" you clap your hands together.

And you're beginning to try to wave to people....you're starting to connect the waving movement with "hello or bye bye."

Your main mode of transportation is rolling. You haven't quite figured out crawling yet. You like to reach at toys from a sitting position and try to lurch yourself towards them. You're skipping putting your knees down and just diving for toys! I think you're getting closer, though.

Mommy knows all your tickle spots and she can get you laughing away sometimes!

You have the most adorable laugh, and we love to hear it any chance we can.

You are wearing 6-9 month clothes.

You probably weigh a little over 20 pounds, but surprisingly, you don't feel so heavy to me. My mommy muscles must be coming in.

You don't sleep so well. You're getting better at napping, but you wake up several times during the night when you wake up and realize you don't have your paci anymore. We're working on figuring this one out.....because we like our sleep around here. ;)

You're such a happy baby.

You're an absolute blessing in our lives, and we love watching you grow and change with each new day.

You're learning so quickly, and it's amazing how much you change in such a short amount of time.

We love you more than you will ever, ever be able to comprehend. And God loves you even more than that!! What a loved little guy you are!

Happy 7 months sweet boy. We love you so much thank God for you every day.

65 years

65 years is a long time!! This weekend, we celebrated my grandparents' 65th wedding anniversary!

It was a surprise; my grandparents (or, my grandma) thought it was our annual girls' weekend. She kept wondering why the men were showing up! haha! My grandpa claims he knew what was going on. Either way, we had a huge gathering of family and friends and we celebrated with good food and a big cake, which I didn't eat one piece of! What's up with that?!

It was great to see my family, especially some of my cousins I don't see very often. Collen met some of the family for the first time, and of course he was a hit. He was so friendly with everyone and was very patient with being passed around from person to person. He got a lot of quality family time in, and I'm so thankful for that.

I wish I had pictures of the weekend to post for you, but I forgot my camera. :(

It was a great weekend and a good visit with family. And Collen is quite the little traveler....he just takes it all in stride. He did great!

Hope you all had a great weekend as well.

A handful

Things stay busy around here. As Collen has gotten older, he has gotten more and more BUSY! He's a handful - always wanting to be doing something.....never just sitting still. He isn't crawling yet....and goodness, once he's mobile, I can't imagine how much he's going to get into.


It take this many toys to keep him entertained......for about 10 minutes.

But look at that happy smile! :) I'm his favorite play pal.

Hey, Mommy....I love you.

Sweet, sweet boy. I'm happy to give all my time over to him.....but thank God for naps.

Ditto.

Right on the money.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

My thoughts exactly.

You hit the nail on the head.

Read here: http://holybfpbatman.blogspot.com/2011/03/those-left-behind-prayer-request.html

Being left behind stinks.

Facebook link

Here is the link to the Facebook event that my student organized. I'd love it if you would all join us on April 27th by releasing balloons in Ayden's honor!

A darker day

You might not have known it if you had seen me today, but today....I was struggling.

Ayden's birthday is quickly approaching.

And I'm sad.

So, so very sad.

You'd think the first birthday would be the hardest, but his second is seeming to be harder. Last year was a fog. I spent the year numb and frozen in grief, just making through it each day.

Now, the grief is thawing a bit. Some days, if feels like a lifetime ago (as Jeremy stated today). Other days, it feels so close....like it was just yesterday.

I was lying in bed while Collen napped today, thinking of my Ayden. Missing him. Wishing that more than anything I could look forward to birthday hugs, singing happy birthday to him as he woke up that morning, watching him blow out his candles, seeing him open his gifts, and hearing him laugh as he played his little heart out. On Ayden's birthday, I won't have any of those things we mothers look so forward to. I will just have silence where there should be laughter. He won't be here to celebrate; and we won't celebrate as we would like to.

I was thinking about his 50th birthday (for some reason), and how I will be 76. Lord, please come before then. I really don't want to become an old lady.... And I was thinking, "How will I commemorate Ayden's birthday then? Will I send off 50 balloons?" The thought of 50 balloons and me at 76 trying to wrangle them all made me smile a little....but I thought, "How could I not STILL honor him even then. Of course I will! And maybe I'll be such a small old lady, those 50 balloons will sweep me up to heaven right then and there!" After 50 years, my heart will still be broken. I will still live life with someone missing....with a piece of me missing. Joy and happy moments will come, but they will still be experienced with a bit of sadness for the one who isn't there to share it all.

We plan to keep Ayden's birthday low key this year. Although, a facebook group has been started by one of my dear former students that has invited others to release balloons for Ayden's bithday. Such a sweet, sweet sentiment, and I love that so many have said they will be joining in! We will likely go to Ayden's spot as a family and probably some close friends, should they be able to join us, and release our balloons there this year. Or we may go to his garden again....not sure yet. I just want to spend that day together as a little family and remember our sweet boy and the joyous event that was his birth two years ago!! Was it really just 2 years ago?

I miss that little boy so much. I wish I could hug him....kiss him...snuggle him...see him smile...tell him how much this mommy loves him!

Come quickly, Lord....

A word to my followers...

When I write, I don't really think about who will be reading the words I write. I know they will be read, but this blog has always just been an outlet for me. It didn't matter to me whether anyone read it or not.

But people DO.

And that humbles the mess out of me.

I read every single comment, and I think to myself, "Who am I to deserve such kind words, encouragement, and the sweet prayers of others?"

Thank you doesn't begin to express my gratitude. I have become connected with so many wonderful, life-changing people through my blog. And, as many of you so kindly tell me, (this is where I become so humbled and feel so undeserving) that through my blog your life has been touched or the life of someone else has been touched.....etc.

I've been sitting here for the past while just thinking of all of you and how you have changed my life. Your support, encouragement, goodness, and kindness have kept me going through really dark times. Your prayers have taken me through the good and bad days. And when you continue to tell me that you think of us or that you think of Ayden regularly....oh, it just touches me so dearly.

All I ever wanted was for Ayden to change lives. And he did that. He's still doing that. Thank you for reminding me of that so often.

I was reading Mary Beth Chapman's book, "Choosing to SEE." I'm still working through it. I had to take a break from it for a little bit so I could process everything. I'm getting to the part about when they brought Maria home. I believe it was Maria they were talking about when she said that they knew her name just fit her. When they heard her name, their hearts just felt so full and they knew she was their child. When I read that, chills just spread all over me.

Ayden's name was the same for us. I had considered so many names....as most girls do. But I remember putting Ayden's name together, and the first time I said, Ayden Brooks Jones out loud, I knew....that's my son's name. My heart felt so full of love for this little boy who didn't even exist....yet. God knew, even long before Ayden was born, that that name would touch me deeply. You can chalk it up to the fact that I was just planning for my first born and we all go through the process of picking names....the first is always going to be special. This is true, but Ayden's name was chosen years before we even began to plan for him. I considered other names, but I never let go of his....I knew our first child was going to be my Ayden.

As his birthday approaches, I can't imagine him at 2 years old. I feel like he would be such an easy-going child. He was so laid back and reserved but also such a happy baby. I think he would be a helper....always helping mommy and wanting to bring me gifts and surprises. I think he would have been a thinker....always contemplating things and thinking about how things work. He would have been big for his age, but I just can't picture him. In my mind, he'll always be 4 months old.

That's one thing Jeremy and I have always shared....we have never been able to imagine Ayden older than 4 months old. Even when we had him and we had those 4 beautiful months together....not once could we think to the future. We both thought it was weird because isn't that what parents do? Think about their child at 1, 2, 5, 10.....thinking about what that child will be like, what he/she will look like, what their mannerisms will be, etc. We can do that with Collen....easily. But with Ayden, we never could. Looking back, I think I understand why. God allowed Ayden to be born at a time when we could wrap ourselves up in him. We spent almost every moment of every day with him, and we spent every day living in the moment. Just soaking him in. I'm forever grateful for that. It has allowed us to parent Collen in the same way....and even deeper. If you have kids....I encourage you cherish every moment....every, single, moment. There's nothing more precious....nothing.


Anyway, I've veered from my initial purpose of this post.

Thank you all for becoming a part of our extended family and for continuing to keep us in your prayers...and most of all for remembering Ayden.

Love to you all!

"If I could fall into the sky..."

Collen and I were meandering around the grocery store the other day, and a song began to play. I had heard this song so, so many times. I knew the words by heart, and I began to sing it to Collen. Then, I started to listen to the words I was singing to him....

Making my way downtown

Walking fast

Faces pass

And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead

Just making my way

Making a way

Through the crowd

And I need you

And I miss you

And now I wonder....

If I could fall

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by

'Cause you know I'd walk

A thousand miles

If I could Just see you

Tonight

It's always times like these

When I think of you

And I wonder

If you ever

Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong

And I don't belong

Living in your

Precious memories

'Cause I need you

And I miss you

And now I wonder....

If I could fallInto the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by

'Cause you know

I'd walk

A thousand miles

If I could

Just see you

Tonight

And I, I

Don't want to let you know

I, I

Drown in your memory

I, I

Don't want to let this go

I, I

Don't....

Making my way downtown

Walking fast

Faces pass

And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead

Just making my way

Making a way

Through the crowd

And I still need you

And I still miss you

And now I wonder....

If I could fall

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass us by

'Cause you know

I'd walkA thousand miles

If I could Just see you...

If I could fall

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by

'Cause you know

I'd walk

A thousand miles

If I could

Just see you

If I could

Just hold you

Tonight

Right there in the grocery store, I was thinking...."This sums up my grief....right here in this song." Walking through life, staring blankly ahead, holding onto precious memories of my baby boy. I still need him. I still miss him. And knowing that I'd do absolutely anything to see him, hold him, kiss him again.

A moment of clarity, in the produce aisle.

A better day

Thank you for all of your suggestions!

And as Kathryn said, today he will take a fantastic nap....yes ma'am he sure did.

Granted....he took it with me right next to him, but that was an accident. I had every intention of getting up once he fell asleep, but the next thing I knew, I was waking up after falling asleep right along with him. He did, however, sleep for an hour and a half. The first half hour was on his own; then, he woke up. I was determined he was going to sleep longer because I knew he needed to. So, I laid him down next to me and just stroked his hair. He eventually drifted back off to sleep and slept for an hour.

Jeremy was home today (more on him in a sec), so we all went to a high school baseball game. Jeremy's school was playing "my" school (I still claim it even though I don't work there at the moment). When we left, my guys were winning! Both teams were doing really great, though. It was nice to get out and do something different. Collen loves to be outside, so he enjoyed himself.

Then, we came back home so Collen could eat and I could get dinner started. I draftd my mom to come help tonight since Jeremy's not the swiftest of movers these days. I needed her to help with Collen's nightime routine and helping him back to sleep during his several stirrings once he's down for the night. I ended up having to get him to sleep because he wasn't having any part of anyone else putting him to bed. My mom ended up cleaning, which was NOT my intention at all. I eventually joined in and was able to get some things accomplished. :)

Jeremy's ACL is fine. Thank the Lord! He might, however, have a dislocated or fracture kneecap. We're waiting for his MRI to be scheduled. Once he goes for the MRI, we'll know what we're dealing with. The doctor did say, though, that he didn't think surgery would be needed. Jeremy is walking better today, but he's still in a lot of pain if he turns his knee a certain way. I'm hoping and praying it heals quickly.

Thank you all again for your suggestions and advice. :) I really, really appreciate it!

My little daytime insomniac...

Maybe you kind folks can help me...


Collen is a terrible napper. Terrible. Today, for example, I think he napped all of 1.5 hours....most of which were either in our bed next to me (our morning nap) or in my arms in the rocking chair.

Something's gotta give.

For a few weeks, I had Collen buying into napping in his pac'n play, which is also where he sleeps at night. I wanted him to associate his bed with sleeping. This worked until he changed his napping routine.

Typically, he gets up around 6:30 in the morning after going down around 8pm the night before. So, that's a total of about 10 hours of sleep...give or take. At 6:30, I change him, nurse him, then he goes back to sleep until about 8:30 or 9, then he's up for the day. Normally, this "nap" takes place in our bed since Jeremy has gotten up and left for work (I know....I probably need to put him back in his bed....but I do love this time with him.) After this, he's up and it's either time for a little play time or time to eat. I try to feed him his solids first because he eats those better when he's hungry, so he gets some applesauce with rice cereal or bananas...or some other fruit of sorts. Then, I give him his bottle, and we're good to go. Typically, he'll take another nap around 11ish, which could last anywhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours....if I want to achieve a long nap, I have to lay down with him....the entire time, which is getting old. I used to be able to lay him down, sleepy, in his bed, and he'd take a good one hour - two hour nap. His afternoon nap falls anywhere from 2pm - 5pm....he's never predictable....and I'm left most days on-edge just waiting for the cues, knowing he has to be getting sleepy because he's cranky and irritable.

The past few days have not been very fun. :(

He has been so fussy. Yesterday, he cried for an hour straight....inconsolably. He was fed, changed, comfortable, and he was sleepy, but he fought me all day long.

I'm lucky, most days, to get him to nap a total of 2 hours all day long. A child his age should be getting 13-16 hours of sleep a day. He just barely gets the minimum. This results in a tired, cranky baby and a strung-out, frazzled Mommy who just needs her child to sleep so she can regroup. My "me" time consists of the 5 minutes I get in the shower (if he'll allow even that!). He's also seeming to have some separation anxiety, too. He won't let me out of his sight. He'll play fine in his exersaucer or jumper for about 10-15 minutes, but then when I come into view....oh no....he insists that I pick him up....but then that gets old after a little while. He must constantly be entertained (he's just like me....oh, dear...) and he does not play well alone.

I'm not complaining at all. I know this comes with being a stay-at-home mom. He's going to be fussy, irritable, clingy, etc. I expected all of that. What I didn't expect was to have a daytime insomniac resulting in a very unhappy baby for the greater part of every day. He can be such a happy child, and I hate that he's spending so much of his time upset because he's tired but will not give in and take a good nap.

I try simulating bedtime as much as possible. I lay him down sleepy, turn the white noise on, give him his paci, and walk away. This works like a charm at night, and it was working well during the day until now. I'm considering making the room darker so it looks more like night time to him. Maybe I can fake him out.... Another problem is that he is an incredibly light sleeper. A little sniffle of the nose can wake him up. Sheesh...

I also think teething MAY have something to do with it, but he doesn't really act like his tooth is bothering him. Teething hasn't seemed to be particularly hard on him, so I'm not sure on that one.

I'm just at a loss with him as far as napping goes. There are much larger problems than this in the world, I understand, but our little world is being rocked by this right now. I need my baby to sleep and be rested so he can be happy....and I can be calm and collected.

If you've never spent the day with an incredibly fussy baby....try it sometime and see how your nerves are at the end of the day.

And to add to this, Jeremy has injured his knee. He think it's something with his ACL. He goes for an MRI in the morning, and I am praying that it's just a bad sprain. If he has to have surgery, he's going to be limited for some time, and I need my extra set of hands....my back up!!! He's the one who steps in so I can cook dinner, or clean up, or run errands. If he's out of commission, I'm going to be a frazzled mess really soon. I commend single mothers. You ladies are awesome! I don't know how you do it!! You've got to be superwoman because I can't imagine doing all of this on my own.

So, if you have any napping advice, I'm open to suggestions!!