Another dream...

I have written several times about my "Ayden dreams." I feel blessed to dream of him so frequently. Some people may think these are too precious to share, but I record them on my blog so that I can have them written down before I forget them.

Last night's was wonderful. It was much like the others. I held him throughout the entire dream. It was Ayden, Jeremy, and myself. We were at a get together at a friend's house. And much like the other dreams, we both knew he wasn't supposed to be there, but we held onto him as long as we could because we knew it wouldn't last. I remember walking up to the party holding him, and there were so many people there with their kids....most of them babies. And I remember feeling so happy because my arms weren't empty. Everyone was so happy to see Ayden. And, as usual, he was his smiley, happy self. He leaned his head against my cheek as he did so many times when I held him. He smiled, cooed, and laughed. And throughout the entire dream, Jeremy and I were trying to figure out what we could do to keep him with us. It was as if the setting was 2 weeks before we knew he would be leaving us, and we were planning for the 25th....trying to figure out how one of us could stay home with him....or if one of us could pick him up early from daycare right before we knew it was supposed to happen.....thinking of everything we could to prevent it from happening so we could keep him with us.

Then, the party ended, and we all got into the car. Then, I looked behind me, and his carseat was empty. In the dream, I just sighed....

But today, I've walked around with such a heavy heart. I just miss him so much. And I would give anything to have him back, just for an hour.....just to hold him one more time.

We did another interview yesterday. Our last interview, I hope. This one was more personal because it was done at home, and the guy interviewing us "knew" us. The questions were hard to answer.....remembering Ayden so personally was hard. It just hurts. And it's not a pain that just goes away. It always comes back. It isn't temporary, and it never will be. I will look at our future children and always see the one who is missing. Our family will never be "whole." We'll always be without Ayden, and that realization is painful.

One day, though, we will be a whole family. I pray often that our future children will learn from this and that they will decide to be believers as well. Only then can we all be promised to be a whole family again. I like to think that our future children will know Ayden somehow. I don't know how that works, but I like to think he gets to meet them before we do. He'll always be the oldest....the big brother, but he'll also always be the baby of the family.

I was doing well until today. Just happens that way sometimes. It helps to have times like this when I just breakdown and let myself feel it all. Missing him just hurts so badly.

Thank you all for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I hope you all have a safe and Merry Christmas. I like to visualize Ayden celebrating the birth of Christ....right there with Him....wow. I wish I could see it.