Another dream...

I have written several times about my "Ayden dreams." I feel blessed to dream of him so frequently. Some people may think these are too precious to share, but I record them on my blog so that I can have them written down before I forget them.

Last night's was wonderful. It was much like the others. I held him throughout the entire dream. It was Ayden, Jeremy, and myself. We were at a get together at a friend's house. And much like the other dreams, we both knew he wasn't supposed to be there, but we held onto him as long as we could because we knew it wouldn't last. I remember walking up to the party holding him, and there were so many people there with their kids....most of them babies. And I remember feeling so happy because my arms weren't empty. Everyone was so happy to see Ayden. And, as usual, he was his smiley, happy self. He leaned his head against my cheek as he did so many times when I held him. He smiled, cooed, and laughed. And throughout the entire dream, Jeremy and I were trying to figure out what we could do to keep him with us. It was as if the setting was 2 weeks before we knew he would be leaving us, and we were planning for the 25th....trying to figure out how one of us could stay home with him....or if one of us could pick him up early from daycare right before we knew it was supposed to happen.....thinking of everything we could to prevent it from happening so we could keep him with us.

Then, the party ended, and we all got into the car. Then, I looked behind me, and his carseat was empty. In the dream, I just sighed....

But today, I've walked around with such a heavy heart. I just miss him so much. And I would give anything to have him back, just for an hour.....just to hold him one more time.

We did another interview yesterday. Our last interview, I hope. This one was more personal because it was done at home, and the guy interviewing us "knew" us. The questions were hard to answer.....remembering Ayden so personally was hard. It just hurts. And it's not a pain that just goes away. It always comes back. It isn't temporary, and it never will be. I will look at our future children and always see the one who is missing. Our family will never be "whole." We'll always be without Ayden, and that realization is painful.

One day, though, we will be a whole family. I pray often that our future children will learn from this and that they will decide to be believers as well. Only then can we all be promised to be a whole family again. I like to think that our future children will know Ayden somehow. I don't know how that works, but I like to think he gets to meet them before we do. He'll always be the oldest....the big brother, but he'll also always be the baby of the family.

I was doing well until today. Just happens that way sometimes. It helps to have times like this when I just breakdown and let myself feel it all. Missing him just hurts so badly.

Thank you all for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I hope you all have a safe and Merry Christmas. I like to visualize Ayden celebrating the birth of Christ....right there with I wish I could see it.


  1. Hello friends,
    I feel your pain today. It's been a very difficult day for me too. I've thought about William's Christmas that he received a puppy. He was so sick with his asthma and held his head up long enough to giggle. I know y'all have thousands of thoughts going thru your heads. Please know I'm pray for your strength. You have so many loved ones that care about you. God bless you.

    William Wheless 9-1-82 ~ 11-14-2005
    Love, gail

  2. Lindsay,

    I am a follower of your blog and just wanted to let you know how much your honesty is appreciated. It has been a hard day here too. I lost my baby girl in September and tomorrow my cousin will bury her 3 month old. She was the same age my Shyla would have been. They are still trying to figure out what exactly happened, but they think their toddler may have accidentally suffocated the baby. I never held my daughter in my arms while she was still living and breathing and I am just so heartbroken, I was wondering if you had any advice for me. I sent her a care package today, but want to do more. If you have any suggestions, please email me at

    Thank you again for sharing your journey with us.

  3. I am praying for you during this season- praying for strength.

  4. Praying for you guys. I can't imagine ( I think I type that every time I comment) your pain. That is a beautiful thought that your future children will already know him. I am sorry you are missing your baby, no mother should have to experience this. I hope you guys can find some joy over Christmas and that you get many more dreams with Ayden. Prayers!!!

  5. Lindsay,

    Our family will be wishing yours peace this Christmas. And I will personally pray that Ayden sends you another dream tonight for Christmas.


  6. I love the visual that you ended with. I can see it.
    No words again Lindsay. Except That I am here with much as I can I share your pain and sadness.
    And that I love you and am holding you in my arms in my mind right now.

  7. Thinking of you both during this holiday season. I wish there was something that us, as blog readers, could do to ease your pain and feelings of insurmountable loss. I am so happy that you ARE believers, and that you WILL see little Ayden again one day. For now, try to take comfort in the image of him celebrating Jesus' birthday in the most awesome party imaginable! He will be celebrating with my precious niece and nephew, Little Hannah Rochele and Baby Jacob Gabriel--two beautiful and much-loved babies from my family that went to meet Jesus much sooner than our family was ready for. We do take comfort in the thoughts of our babies celebrating with Jesus, but that still doesn't ease the ache of our empty arms when we miss our babies the most. So, as my heart breaks for you during this holiday season, I also am offering prayers for your peace and thankfulness that we will all see our little peanuts again someday in Heaven.

  8. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of and praying for and Jeremy each and everyday still, especially today and tomorrow as I know it will be difficult for you. You'll never know how you've touched and blessed my family through Ayden's story. ((hugs))!!!!

  9. I read your blog every single day and wanted to let you know my family and I are praying for you every day. We have a 9 month old baby, Natalie, and I cannot even fathom what you two are going through. There are so many times I just break down and cry because I can feel how upset you are--I wish I could take away the pain you are going through. I don't even know you but feel like I have known you for a long time! Know that many people are praying for you....

    With love,

    Lindsey, Michael and Natalie Grace Boggs

  10. I'm sorry Lindsay, I know it's hard waking to "reality".

    Thinking of the three of you, and praying too - Kelley

  11. Lindsay,

    I love your blogs about your dreams of Ayden. Although they are sad, I think they are good for you. The one where Ayden pooped all over you was so humorous! But then the heartbreak sets in when you wake up and he's not there. I know you'd rather dream of your sweet Ayden than not.

    Gosh, I am a broken record (see, you've heard that before from me, haha). I wish you and Jeremy didn't have to know this pain. I have heard it's the WORST pain in the world to lose a child.

    We talked to Landon about a loved one that passed away a couple of weeks after Ayden. Then we talked about Ayden and looked at pictures. As always, Landon says, "That sure is a cute baby." He understands pretty well that Ayden is with Jesus.

    We're still trying to come up with a unique way to add to Ayden's name gallery. I finally graduated!! So it's been busy, busy, busy! We'll come up with something. Landon loves to do little projects, especially if he knows it's for a special reason.

    Oh Lindsay, I feel if Ayden lived to Landon's age, they would be so much alike! This might be totally inappropriate, so I apologize! But I hope you can imagine Ayden like this: Landon is so inquisitive, smart, strong-willed, happy ALL THE TIME, a charmer, just pure sweet sugar... and EVERYONE that knows him LOVES HIM TO PIECES!!!! Oh how I wish that for you.

    I pray that God blesses you and Jeremy with another baby, so that you can experience that joy. I know, as you have said many times before, that another baby will NEVER replace the hole in your heart for Ayden. I think it's awesome that you want your future child(ren) to know about their big brother, Ayden Brooks.

    We are praying for you!!! BTW, did you get your vid. camera back? I have a feeling that may not be good news :( I am so sorry!

    With Love,

    Lauren B.

  12. Hey girl,

    I started reading a book tonight that my uncle gave me for Christmas. 1) because I hardly ever read, but 2) it looked like it had some good advice it in that, well, both of us could use at this point in our lives. So I skipped ahead, oh 8 chapters to one that interested me in particular. Mind you, this book mandates you read only one chapter a day, so I figured whats the harm in skipping to whatever one I wanted first :) But to the point, there is a quotation (actually a list) quoted from a book by Kari West called "Dare to Trust, Dare to Hope Again." The list is called "god's Mercy":

    When tears are the only language you know, God hears.

    When darkness envelops your way, God sees.

    When pain forces you off course, God stabilizes.

    When loss wears you down, God comforts.

    When grief suspends your progress and saps hope, God remains.


  13. Praying that you were able to find some joy in this season on Jesus' birth. He came to this earth that we could have everlasting life. Ayden just went on ahead of you. Blessings to you in the new year!