I don't want to do this....

Today has just been one of those days. One of those days when I get into a funk. One of those days when I'm up and down from one minute to the next. One of those days when my temper is short for the sole reason of just wishing my life was different, so I take it out on everyone else (they usually never hear me because it's all in my head). One of those days when I say to myself over and over, "I don't want to do this anymore."

The first part of my day was okay. I went to school for a little while to pick up some Graduation Project stuff to work on. I enjoyed seeing some of my students and colleagues. I'm getting better with "How are you" and "Are you looking forward to coming back", but I don't get "You look good." I get what people mean by that, I truly do, but I'm left wondering if they expected me to look terrible. It makes me a laugh a little.... Don't worry if you've said it to me - I really do understand what you mean by it. I've said it to people myself....but to be on the other side, it's just a little different.

After leaving school, I really didn't want to go home. I decided that since it was December 1st I would get some new flowers for Ayden's spot. It's funny - I have no desire whatsoever to decorate our house for Christmas. Last Christmas we were so excited. We had just found out we were having a boy, and we were looking forward to sharing Christmas with Ayden. How do you celebrate a holiday without your child? Especially this one? I figured that since I didn't want to decorate the house, I could at least decorate his spot. So, I went to the local pottery and picked up some silk flowers. As I was walking around, I just remember feeling so out of place....just lost. Here I am...26 years old....picking out a floral arrangement in memory of my child. I should be showing him the Christmas trees and the ornaments and the pretty lights. I was struck so suddenly that I almost had to leave the store. I took some deep breaths and just kept moving. I do that a lot. I picked out some really pretty red hydrangeas, some holly, and some small, prearranged bouqets. I looked for a "First Christmas" ornament to somehow put on it, but I couldn't find one. Want to experience depression? Look for a first Christmas ornament for the child who is no longer here.... I want him to have one, though....from us, and if it means putting it on his arrangement, so be it. I tried so hard to push the thoughts out of mind - the thought/reality that he has to experience his first Christmas away from us and that on days like today when I really just need to hold him and kiss him....I can't. Sometimes, when I'm buying things like I did today and I see the people around me laughing, buying decorations, smiling with their kids, I just want to scream at them.....and make them all stop and realize that it isn't that easy for some of us.

To make matters worse, it seems like everyone we know has kids these days or is pregnant or just had a baby. I know that isn't the case. However, it's hard to feel any other way. I look at some of our friends our age who have 2...3 kids, and here we are....our one and only child is gone. I don't in any way feel anger or jealously towards them. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't look at them and say, "Why? Why can't that be us? It was us....why did it have to change?" My cousin and his wife just found out they're having a boy. I'm happy for them....I really, truly am. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard. And I know they'll read this, so I have to say that I am in no way upset with them. I'm just upset with life and how unfair it can be sometimes. My cousin and I are really close, and we've always reached many of our milestones together. We are 6 months apart in age, so we are more like siblings. I hate that we both have to live with this now. They found out they were pregnant around the same time we lost Ayden. They didn't know how to tell us. I was proud of my cousin for calling me and telling me....and keeping it together. I truly am so happy for them, but I know they feel a little guilt. And I hate that. I hate that he and I will always have this memory......that he will look at his son and think of the one I lost. Christmas this year will be happy and hard at the same time....and probably a little awkward. Everyone around us tells us that they feel guilty that they have their kids while we have to endure this. I know I would feel the same way if it were someone other than myself.

I've spoken before about how isolating this is. On days like today, I feel so alone....as if I'm in this bubble....looking at the world from the outside looking in because I no longer fit into "normal". I walk around as an observer.....taking it all in and feeling every sting as I'm comfronted with what used to be my life. It's days like today when I forget that Ayden is in Heaven.....that he is where we all hope to be someday....that he will live in a perfect world and we will see him again. On days like today, I just want him back. I just want my baby back. I feel so weak and insignificant on days like today. Just beat down. I feel God trying to remind me....trying to push through, but I let the pain block Him out.

Have I mentioned lately how much I really dislike all of this?

Well, I do.



  1. Lindsay, I've just come across your blog recently, and I am so sorry you are experiencing his first Christmas without him. Last night I couldn't get through Ayden's Story without wiping my eyes and nose every 3 seconds truthfully. I lost a little brother to SIDS, so while I can't say I know how you feel as a mother, as a woman I can understand. I pray that things get easier for you and your husband and that you cling to each other for strength. I pray that you will be blessed with many babies here on earth...not to EVER replace Ayden, but to fulfill your earthly life and show you all the wonderful things you will experience with Ayden when the time comes. I hope you don't mind that I've become a follower. I also linked Ayden's story in a post of mine today/yesterday. If for any reason you want me to remove it, let me know. But I wanted everyone I know to be able to see your beautiful Ayden! Btw, his giggles you posted on the video in August are absolutely wondeful. I could listen to that all day long. Much love to you and your family.

    Kelli Duran

  2. It breaks my heart. I am so sorry.
    It is not fair that children must die. Faith is what holds us together during the deepest moments but that doesn't make it any easier. I will pray for God to continue to give you strength and comfort. My heart is so heavy with your pain and it hurts so much not being able to help you.

  3. Lindsay, we don't like it either. Not one bit. It makes me so mad and sad and worthless feeling. I cannot imagine how this season is for you.

    We continue to pray and love you guys--you have no idea how often you have crossed my mind.

    If you ever need to scream at someone, Chris and I have a high tolerance for noise. We can take it.

    We love you--if you would like we could try to get together sometime soon.

  4. I am so sorry. I think your feelings of loneliness and the comparisons you make are totally normal, or at least I hope they are because I have the same problems. I really wish our relationships wouldn't have changed but I know everything in our lives has changed forever and there is no going back. You have done such a good job focusing on all the positives this change has had on you, even if it is clearly something you wish you could unwind.

  5. Hi there--still thinking of you guys, ESPECIALLY during the holidays. I like the idea of the first christmas ornament and I wanted to let you know I saw some super cute ones at Target the other day. If you haven't already, you might swing by there if you can.

  6. Praying for you. Wish I could do more. I hate that you're hurting. I hate that Ayden isn't here with you today, and that he won't be here with you at Christmas. I wish I could say something that would ease your pain just a little, but I don't even know where to begin. So, I'll just pray for you. For Jeremy. For your peace, comfort, for making it through the day-to-days, the milestones, the holidays. I'll pray for your future. While God can't give Ayden back to you on this earth, I do pray He blesses and grows your family. I'm praying for you.

  7. Lindsay~
    your son is adorable.. I lost my daughter in May, she was 2 days shy of 9 months..and it is so incredibly hard to wake up and go on with you "new reality" and to toss in the holidays is just like a cruel joke.. sending prayers and good thoughts that today is a better day..

  8. Sad sad sad:// so sad to read these from a mother. Don't know what else to say.

    I'm sharing your pain deep in my heart.

  9. me too.
    for you, for me...for all who have a baby gone so soon.
    I know you have hear it a thousand times over...but it will get better? Easier? Lighter? All seem the wrong word but have the right conotation...God comforts and brings Joy...
    Psalm 27:13-14
    I am still confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
    Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

  10. Your words are so honest and eye opening. I hate that you have to go through this, its not fair. Again, your feelings are totally normal. I am thinking or you all the time and praying for you.

  11. Wow, this is exactly what Ive been feeling the last few days myself. I too am in this funk and alot of it is based on the upcoming holidays. You are so not alone in this. *HUGS*

  12. Hey Lindsay. So many of your blogs get me to crying, but especially this one. You'll never hear me tell you that I understand what you are going through. But the pain that you are expressing is heart and gut wrenching to me. Gosh, I cannot fathom how it must feel to see everyone, especially those w/ children, all joyful and excited for the holidays. I do not have much holiday spirit this year, because I have a lot of people close to me that have lost loved ones this year (many I am close to myself). And there has not been ONE time when I've been shopping for Landon this year that I haven't been thinking about YOU. As I peruse the shelves, I think to myself how you aren't getting to feel the joy of doing the "first Christmas" things for Ayden. I see babies in town and think the exact same things you do. In my mind it's, "That should be Lindsay and Jeremy this year." I believe you will experience that joy one day ;-) I guess I just want you to know that although I haven't lost a child, I am always aware that you have, always. I don't forget about it and move on with my life with my child. Cody and I pray for you and Jeremy daily. Even Landon chimes in from time to time :-) When Landon starts to grate on my nerves, I just want to kick myself. I stop and look at his innocent face with those beautiful blue eyes and remind myself how lucky I am to have him; that if something were to happen to him, I would LONG for him to get on my nerves again. I am so sorry Lindsay, so very sorry! You guys will be on our minds and in our hearts forever and ever! I wish I could take this away from you. I think it's so sweet that you want to get Ayden an ornament. Maybe you've already found one... but Hallmark used to have lots of cute ones. I imagine they would be hard to look at. I'm not even in your shoes and it's hard for me to look at baby stuff b/c of what happened to Ayden. So honey, you are not alone... even folks like me that aren't living your experience are grieving with you. I pray that God envelopes you with peace, comfort, and Ayden's warming spirit always. Love, Lauren

  13. Lindsay, I have said the same words you have said in this post, and felt the same things you are feeling right now. I soooo know what you're going through, and wish we lived closer.

    Maybe when December is over you will feel a little stronger, a little better. This month is very hard for y'all.

    Go to the site called Personal Creation, they have the perfect ornament for what you're looking for. That is where I have gotten Grayson many. He has his own tree every year, it's all about him and only him! The second year (we didn't even acknowledge Christmas the first year) I had our close friends and family make him an ornament, and it had to be MADE...from the heart.

    I am thinking about you and praying tons! I love you - Kelley

  14. Praying for you. . . I'd still like to have lunch one day. . . Sending hugs your way tonight, too.

  15. I hate those days... I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

    I've been thinking lately about what kind of Christmas flowers to put in Carleigh's vase on her stone. It's sad that the only thing I can really do now for my child is take care of her grave, but I do it with a joyful heart because it is for her.

    I know it is hard when family and friends are pregnant and have babies. It reminds you of what you are missing. There's a lot of people in my life right now that are currently pregnant or have had babies.