I don't want to do this....

Today has just been one of those days. One of those days when I get into a funk. One of those days when I'm up and down from one minute to the next. One of those days when my temper is short for the sole reason of just wishing my life was different, so I take it out on everyone else (they usually never hear me because it's all in my head). One of those days when I say to myself over and over, "I don't want to do this anymore."

The first part of my day was okay. I went to school for a little while to pick up some Graduation Project stuff to work on. I enjoyed seeing some of my students and colleagues. I'm getting better with "How are you" and "Are you looking forward to coming back", but I don't get "You look good." I get what people mean by that, I truly do, but I'm left wondering if they expected me to look terrible. It makes me a laugh a little.... Don't worry if you've said it to me - I really do understand what you mean by it. I've said it to people myself....but to be on the other side, it's just a little different.

After leaving school, I really didn't want to go home. I decided that since it was December 1st I would get some new flowers for Ayden's spot. It's funny - I have no desire whatsoever to decorate our house for Christmas. Last Christmas we were so excited. We had just found out we were having a boy, and we were looking forward to sharing Christmas with Ayden. How do you celebrate a holiday without your child? Especially this one? I figured that since I didn't want to decorate the house, I could at least decorate his spot. So, I went to the local pottery and picked up some silk flowers. As I was walking around, I just remember feeling so out of place....just lost. Here I am...26 years old....picking out a floral arrangement in memory of my child. I should be showing him the Christmas trees and the ornaments and the pretty lights. I was struck so suddenly that I almost had to leave the store. I took some deep breaths and just kept moving. I do that a lot. I picked out some really pretty red hydrangeas, some holly, and some small, prearranged bouqets. I looked for a "First Christmas" ornament to somehow put on it, but I couldn't find one. Want to experience depression? Look for a first Christmas ornament for the child who is no longer here.... I want him to have one, though....from us, and if it means putting it on his arrangement, so be it. I tried so hard to push the thoughts out of mind - the thought/reality that he has to experience his first Christmas away from us and that on days like today when I really just need to hold him and kiss him....I can't. Sometimes, when I'm buying things like I did today and I see the people around me laughing, buying decorations, smiling with their kids, I just want to scream at them.....and make them all stop and realize that it isn't that easy for some of us.

To make matters worse, it seems like everyone we know has kids these days or is pregnant or just had a baby. I know that isn't the case. However, it's hard to feel any other way. I look at some of our friends our age who have 2...3 kids, and here we are....our one and only child is gone. I don't in any way feel anger or jealously towards them. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't look at them and say, "Why? Why can't that be us? It was us....why did it have to change?" My cousin and his wife just found out they're having a boy. I'm happy for them....I really, truly am. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard. And I know they'll read this, so I have to say that I am in no way upset with them. I'm just upset with life and how unfair it can be sometimes. My cousin and I are really close, and we've always reached many of our milestones together. We are 6 months apart in age, so we are more like siblings. I hate that we both have to live with this now. They found out they were pregnant around the same time we lost Ayden. They didn't know how to tell us. I was proud of my cousin for calling me and telling me....and keeping it together. I truly am so happy for them, but I know they feel a little guilt. And I hate that. I hate that he and I will always have this memory......that he will look at his son and think of the one I lost. Christmas this year will be happy and hard at the same time....and probably a little awkward. Everyone around us tells us that they feel guilty that they have their kids while we have to endure this. I know I would feel the same way if it were someone other than myself.

I've spoken before about how isolating this is. On days like today, I feel so alone....as if I'm in this bubble....looking at the world from the outside looking in because I no longer fit into "normal". I walk around as an observer.....taking it all in and feeling every sting as I'm comfronted with what used to be my life. It's days like today when I forget that Ayden is in Heaven.....that he is where we all hope to be someday....that he will live in a perfect world and we will see him again. On days like today, I just want him back. I just want my baby back. I feel so weak and insignificant on days like today. Just beat down. I feel God trying to remind me....trying to push through, but I let the pain block Him out.

Have I mentioned lately how much I really dislike all of this?

Well, I do.